Son update.

Helpless29

Active Member
Last I posted my son was working construction & had his own apartment, though we haven’t talked I was glad to hear he was doing ok . Recently I got a call from him , he lost his apartment because he said he was to loud he didn’t give me to much details but asked if I could co-sign for a apartment for him I said no , I know he called his dad and asked him to , his dad also said no . Don’t understand why he ruined a good thing he had & it only lasted a month. I think he still has his construction job which is good, not sure if he’s staying with his friend or not , he won’t tell me . His friend is also 18 teen still lives with his parents ,so not sure how long they will allow him to stay if he’s there . My son has called a few times but just to ask for random things about his credit , his income tax etc but really won’t go beyond that about details about his life except he got a phone & gave me his number. I don’t think I will ever get a apology about the disturbing video chat that happened months back but I wasn’t expecting one as bad as that might sound.Me & my husband just got a offer accepted for a new house a hour away & though I’m so happy because it’s my dream home , I feel horrible leaving my son ,I just want to know he’s ok & stable before I leave . I texted his good friend who’s been helping him to find out what’s really going on but no response yet . I feel like since he called I’m starting to get back on that rollercoaster of worry, fear etc . I just know with him how fast things can go downhill .
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi and I am so sorry that he self sabotaged again. It's not your fault and not accepting your new house will change nothing.

Your son is behaving like an addict, which we learn about in NarAnon. Even if they quit drugs they have personality traits that hurt them and that they need therapy to change. Even then it's hard.

You could wait around forever and give up your own dreams but it won't help him. He doesn't need you to get real help. He only needs professional help and his own eagerness to change. How can not moving help your son?

In Nar Anon we say we didn't cause it, we can't change it and we can't cure it. Even our love does not grant us those powers.

If you are not in therapy for yourself or Nar Anon it will probably help you to reach out to others in real life who can help. Nar Anon is online now so you can do zoom and if you choose you can use your phone and hide your face that way. Put NarAnon Zoom Meetings in your search engine. Many from all over will come up with different days and times and you will be welcome at any meeting even if it's in a far away state from yours. Some people with addicted loved ones go to many meetings, whenever they need support. Not pushing it if it's not for you but I hope that even our lurkers get this information. Many don't know you can go online.

We do not interfer when another shares. We can't interrupt. We do NOT judge or tell you what to do. We share how the steps and tools work for us and we take what we need and leave the rest. If you find a meeting that doesn't follow these guidelines try another one. These rules are hard and fast...no interrupting and no telling another that he or she is wrong....no judging.

Anyhow I hope you take the house because it makes you happy. That act will do nothing to harm your son. Or help him. As far as getting well, only he can do it. We give support. It is all we can offer. And we can do that by phone no matter how far away we live.

Sending prayers and love from deep in my heart.
 
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RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Thanks for the update. Have thought about your situation a lot.

I agree that just hearing from him quickly puts you back in the hot seat mentally anyway.

Congratulations on your new home! I hope you can focus on the good for now. Your son will do what he will do. They are like that when they are in the rebellious mode.

You have to wonder if he even told you the truth about the apartment and why they have to move. They don't tell the truth and usually what you hear is the tip of the iceberg. I agree not to cosign. That would put you in a bad situation financially. Let him feel the consequences of his actions so he can learn from them.

You are doing the right thing by maintaining your distance and focusing on your young family. Let his dad deal with him. That is what I would do!!!

Sending prayers and good thoughts. Keep us posted!
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Don’t understand why he ruined a good thing he had & it only lasted a month. I think he still has his construction job which is good, not sure if he’s staying with his friend or not , he won’t tell me .
Good Morning Helpless. Based upon my experience, he ruined a good thing because of who he is right now. He's either oblivious or uncaring of how he affects others, irresponsible and doesn't think past this minute, right now, to what the consequences will be f what he does.

My experience also is that my son doesn't tell me the details of his life, unless he wants to manipulate me with them. Either to punish me or to try to extract something. Other than that he plays things close to the chest. I agree with the others the ONLY course of action open to you is to stay focused on your own well-being, and that of your young family, because this is where you have control.

However difficult it is we have to learn to get out of their business and to not base our own well-being and peace of mind on our fears. This has been the very hardest thing for me, too. There are good things happening for your son. He has the job. He has this friend. He lands on his feet. He always seems to get new jobs quickly. He seems self-sufficient.

For some reason we keep looking to our sons to feel better in ourselves. Based on my own experience, it never, ever works.

Congratulations on the house!
 
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