Son

Helpless29

Active Member
I got a letter from son, he told me how sorry he was, how he felt horrible for letting me down & for making me cry, he said, one day he will make me proud & he will prove to me he can be successful, there was a lot more , 3 full pages of his true feelings , I believe what he wrote was sincere . He also wrote one to my husband telling him how ashamed he felt for letting him down , that he’s been more of a dad to him then his real father , that he does appreciate everything he’s done for him when he was growing up. My sons next court date is September 10th , if he has someone to pick him up , he can be released, am I crazy for wanting to give him another chance? I want to ask my husband to give him another chance to come back here , but I feel like the conversation is not going to go well .Am I being an enabler? I don’t know why in my mind , I always feel like maybe this will be the time he changes. I need honest advice. I’m confused.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Helpless

I know that when we get things like this from our children that we cannot reach emotionally, our heart melts.

I don't know if your son has changed but I do not know what would make him change so quickly.

I would not want to let him back into my home because you have younger children and it's not fair to them. I was not ready to let my son move back until I saw change over the course of a program that he was in that lasted over a year. I was not even ready then. He was our youngest.

I am not sure where your son can go when he is released if you do not take him but I seriously would have a lot of worry about doing that. I think that he showed you exactly what he will do last time he came home. I'm sorry but I would not do that again until you have seen long term change.

Your husband and children do not deserve to be pulled into this chaos again. I know it hurts you terribly not to have him with you but sometimes we have to go through this pain for the greater good of other family members.

Most of us here are guilty of enabling this behavior at one time or another (me, me, me) but sometimes a line has to be drawn. You will know when you get to that point and it still will not be easy. We know you love your son and he knows it too.


:staystrong:
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
You are being a mom...we all want to hope for the best. Second chances are what we are made of ( or 4th, 5th, 6th chances).

Is there any other options that he could try beside moving back home with you, or other relatives? I don't know where you live and what might be available. Moving back with you puts you into a supervisor role and not a mom role. It would be good if you could just be mom, and not be policing his behavior.

It's a hard decision to make, especially since you have other children in the home. Can you and your husband seek professional help? Ksm
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
if he has someone to pick him up , he can be released, am I crazy for wanting to give him another chance?
Hi Helpless

I think it's a strong step by your son to write these letters.

Is he specifically requesting in the letter to come back to your home? If so that raises red flags for me. I would think he's saying "magic words." Actually, to me there is a 90 percent likelihood this is what is going on. (Which doesn't make him bad.)

He may be getting in touch with that part of him that does want to do the right thing, and does have regret, and does feel gratitude, but he does not know yet to harness his motivations, intentions, self-control, to do the right things for himself. This is a learning process for all of us. This means that he needs a specific setting where he gets help to learn these things and to put them into practice. He may need a residential training program for boys who have gotten into trouble. Or I am thinking right now of another option, Job Corps, a federal, residential job training program, that is free. I believe they take kids that are 16 and over. There are sites all over the country. They supervise the residents very well. My son went. Your son likes to work, and has had a taste of work he likes. Maybe this is worth checking out.

What I am trying to say, as others have already: Your home may not be best for him right now.

There are just so many factors here. I think the way to approach it would be to let go right now of a specific result and see what emerges, after exploring different options, after talking with him more, after speaking with your husband (without a specific result in mind.)

Right now you have the "feeling" of wanting to let him come back. You have the "feeling" of being afraid your husband will say no. Another way to approach this might be as information seeking. That might free you up to go forward. There is so much here that is both unknown and out of your control. Sometimes we are too quick to react based upon feelings rather than solid information.

As others have said, and you know full well, there are realities that need to be considered. Most of all there is the reality of your son's welfare. Right now he is in a mental space of acknowledging and changing. But he has not put into place behaviors over a sustained time to create that. In my own life I know how hard that can be. Insight is one thing. Actually doing different is quite another.

I think speaking with your husband is an essential first step, to see where he is, what he thinks, and how he feels. Not just about your son coming home, but in general.

I think looking at alternatives for your son, is essential. He has specific needs, for strong control and monitoring and other situations may be a better fit. To let yourself be open to that, may get some of the pressure off of you, whatever the final decision would be.
 
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BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Hi and thanks for updating us. I will give you my two cents and you will do what you want. We all do :)

When Kay was ready to ask for money or other "help'" she was a model daughter, full of kindness and compliments. When she didn't need something from us, she called us by our first names, told us we didn't love her and she would lhave been better off staying in her orphanage, and what hideous parents we were.

Every time Kay acted nice and sincere, I fell for it for over ten years, until she turned 30. I would beg my husband, who stopped believing her way before I did, to do what Kay wanted because I would tell him that she has changed and we would fight and he was ALWAYS right....she never changed. I just wanted it to be so. This is a warning to you. Uncanny timing for your son to suddenly apologize. It's what they do and say to get us to give in.

But it took me ten years to finally stop letting Kay play me. I don't know for sure that your son is doing what Kay did, but I would make other arrangements if I had had hindsight at the time and if I were you. Those younger kids deserve peace and quiet in their sanctuary, their home.

Before you approach your husband, please get calm and think for two days. Talk to a therapist. You are emotional now. That isn't a good time to make a decision. Think about his history. in my opinion he has not gone for help and has not changed at all. in my opinion you also know this, just as I knew Kay was faking her love, at least I knew this deep in the back of my mind. I think your son would need years of intensive therapy before being well enough to safely live in your house. What about his father? Can he stay there to spare the younger kids? May not be the best place to go, but at least your younger kids would be spared.

Prayers and hugs. Will be thinking of you and will support your decision.
 

JayPee

Sending good vibes...
Helpless. I don’t have the answers for you but I have two troubled sons (who are each for now making some good changes) that were living in their cars for 3 yrs. I was divorcing my husband who was an alcoholic and I could not and would not take them with me. So many nights for years I cried and worried about them. During that time I felt heartless during snow storms and extreme heat but I knew deep down inside that I had not seen sustained changes and actually at that time no changes. I had to remain strong and not even have them visit my home. I was too afraid I’d cave and allow them to stay. Too many times I’ve seen things turn from good to bad very quickly.
Several years ago as a piece of my own therapy I journaled. It was very helpful to me when my heart was breaking thinking of their predicament and wanting to take them in and fix them to re-read my journal and see the things they’d done in the past and how history repeats itself. Remember that even if you don’t take him in with you to live he can still be part of your life. But you will be able to set the boundaries of how when and where you see him. That way you can protect your wellbeing and your family.
 
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