Sons' girlfriend died in her sleep

[JMom]

Tired, so sorry to hear of your son's struggles. I'm glad the mom softened to allow him to grieve.

As far as your son and his teeth, after my brother went to rehab at 44 yo, toothless,alcoholic (he had been without teeth for about 15 years) the family chipped in and got him dentures.

It made a huge difference in his appearance, self esteem and ability to find work. He got a job he was proud of and even got his ex wife back. They had been estranged for 10 years.

He recently relapsed but is maintaining. I'm a softy, so I'm rooting for your son to get his teeth fixed. I don't know that him having dental work will affect his ability to want sobriety or anything else for that matter.

Like my brother, he caused it himself, but I feel strongly that it restores a level of dignity. Self worth is unfortunately sometimes found in the mirror.

Do what your gut tells you. If it feels like enabling steer clear, but if you're just giving a kind gesture and are worried about him asking for more, maybe set it up anonymously.

Like I said, I'm a softy, so I'd seek advice from the more weathered folks. My son is a 21 yo addict since 14 but I was in denial for a long time. This forum has really helped me learn the ropes. Some things are enabling and some are just things we do for ourselves.

Prayers for you and your son.

 

[Tiredof33]

JMom, thank you, I'm a softy too. Many years ago I paid a dentist in advance for my son's dental work. He did not go for one appointment. After two years I asked for a refund (I knew the dentist).

My son is not interested in dental work, he wants the money. They (she is deceased now) spend all of their money on a new drum set, concerts, drugs, alcohol, and they spent a weekend in PR two weeks ago.

He's not ready to change his lifestyle. Maybe some day soon. My motto is I never give up, I just don't hold my breath. There was a time when I let his problems control me to the point of almost losing my job, pension, sanity, and self respect. It still hurts, some days more than others.

The suicide, my sister just being diagnosed with leukemia, my senior mother's health, a few others just pulled me back into a pity party. I have allowed my self to wallow for some days, now I'm crawling back into detach mode.

If getting his teeth fixed was important to him he would go.

 

[JMom]

Tired, you have a lot on your plate. Sometimes a pity party is on the menu!

 

[Nature]

Dear Tired friend , I'm so sorry for all that has happened. I want you to know I feel your pain, grief and concern for your son. I'm here for you.

 

[TerryJ2]

Tired of 33, how tragic. I am so sorry.
My first thought was that her sister just couldn't stand it after the liver disease death, and couldn't go on without her. So suicide and bipolar make sense. If any sense can be made.
I totally agree about the drug issues and numbing.
And about detachment. Easier said than done, but a true necessity.
Hugs to you and your son ... and the mom who has lost two daughters ... and Mother's Day is coming up.

 

[Tanya M]

To33, how are you doing? How is your son coping?
With all that you have going on, your son, your sister, your mom, I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

((HUGS))

 

[Tiredof33]

Thank you Tanya M, as a cancer survivor you know how stressful it can be! My sister's chemo is going well, it may have given my senior mother something to focus on other than her illnesses.

As far as my son, he is self medicating. He has sent me some strange texts and I can't really figure out if he is by himself or staying with friends. each time I have asked he has given me a different answer. He is reaching out to others. Yesterday was hard for him. The mother had no obituary or memorial service for this daughter, just a few brief words by the priest as her ashes were placed by her sister. I thought of sending a card, then decided not to. The mother is a wonderful person, we do not understand either other's methods. Her and her family felt I had abandoned my son, their way was to do everything they could for the daughter. That didn't exactly work out.

in my opinion, there is no right or wrong, just what we as parents (loved ones) can handle. My detachment was for my health (both mental and physical) and in my heart I truly believe it is the best for my son.

This service was a stark contrast to the sister's memorial and funeral six months earlier. I'm in no way judging, I don't know how she is making it through, I can only imagine the pain. Suicide leaves so many hurts and unanswered questions. I think now she will distance herself from my son, I understand that and I will always be grateful that she did invite him to the service.

My son is working, but sent me a text at 10PM that he was going to pack a bag and just leave. I just text him back that he really should give his friend some notice before he does that. Then I watched some TV and went to bed.

It's not as hard and soul shattering as it was before I started practicing the process of detachment. His choices are his and nothing can make him go for counseling and treatment. But, we certainly do get pulled back to the edge don't we?

Thank you for thinking of me, blessings for you and yours!

 

[Tanya M]

I'm glad to hear your sister's chemo is going well. She is blessed to have you.

I do hope your son will be able to move on from his grief. There is just no telling how things will go down the road. I'm glad that he's texting you. I truly think texting and private messages via FB are a good way for us parents to communicate with our d_c's. It gives us and them space and time. I do not miss the face to face confrontations, or the ones on the phone.

Hopefully your sons talk of just taking off is just that, talk.

But, we certainly do get pulled back to the edge don't we?

Yes we do but with all that we have learned we now know how to stop when we get to the edge and fall off the cliff.

I hope you are taking time for yourself.

((HUGS))