Standing strong in the aftermath.

[Littleboylost]

I agree. Though our hearts and thoughts may lead us to feel otherwise at times, this is true. To pull back when our d cs are rampaging goes against every inclination in our aching hearts, but it is not just the right thing, it is the only thing we can do.

So true Southern, how we wish we could insert some common sense, here and there, but they have got to learn in their own time. We can't do it for them.
What a poignant description of how it feels in the aftermath of this storm. I am glad you feel strong and resolute LBL. It is a new day for your husband, you and your son.
It is amazing to me where their focus is. So much drama and blame seeking, but in the end all, partying is the ultimate driver. Dumbfounding. Mindboggling. These moments can provide clarity and strengthen our direction in saying no more.
"Empty in that place we call mother" You are a poet LBL. How well I know this feeling.
However, all you have done for your son, is still there. In your memory and heart. Copa is right, it is there in him as well, he is numbing that down to keep doing what he is doing.
I viewed an inspiring talk from a woman who's young son had a craniotomy due to a tumor. Faced with the unimaginable pain of possibly losing her son, she realized that her two closest companions were becoming worry and doubt.
She replaced them with faith.
I think when we wake up from the horrible nightmare of dealing with our young d cs first losing control to whatever, be it mental instability, brain injury or drugs, we go down a path where we have to look at the insanity of their choices and the consequences we have suffered, full in the face.
The insanity became theirs, and ours.
When I think back at what hubs and I endured, I think of how crazy we were to put up with all of the nonsense!
Different set of circumstances that led us to keep on trying, but it was certainly a desperate and crazy situation (okay, a whole bunch of crazy situations).
Looking at it full in the face for what it was drove us to realize that we couldn't control it, didn't cause it, couldn't continue to live with it and allow the descent to happen in our home.
Then they are out there, and we faced a whole different onslaught of emotions. I found CD and dove into posting, hubs, into work. The kids were out there and made frequent attempts to rub their choices in our face, blame us, then triangulate and blame me.
They tried to play us.
Then they would "disappear", which led to another onslaught of emotions and worry.
It was a whole nother battle when they weren't with us, dealing with the what if's, the doubt and worry.
What a roller coaster ride.
Good for you LBL, that is balance.
Wonderful, powerful advice. Do something kind and nourishing for yourself. It is so important to shift focus. Self care is not selfish, it is tantamount to our well being. We mothers have a way of sacrificing self for our children. In reality, a strong sense of self, only helps our children to see the importance of self care. It is what we want them to do. Be the example!

That is a powerful statement. That is faith.
Your son has it in his power to make better decisions.
All of our d cs do.
They have to understand this and own their choices.
You are helping your son do this.
Be kind and gentle with yourself, LBL.
Continue to build yourself up.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

Thank you these words of wisdom are much needed today. A cold grey sad day. It's ok to embrace the sadness I just can't let it consume me.

 

[Littleboylost]

Acacia has a thread from June. I found it very comforting.
It was titled Tell me How you Stay Strong.
A great deal of advice and wisdom shared there.

 

[Copabanana]

lbl. i finished sand and ash last night. i loved it. i love novels centered in that period. ww2.

today is time to watch a great movie or curl up with a book.

we think of a boundary as saying no to somebody else.

but i have learned a boundary is actually how i decide to define myself in relation to other people. a boundary to me now is not a no. i actually visualize myself as separate from m, say, who can be critical. i see myself as a body with a few feet of margin/barrier so the pain of his words cannot enter.

i used to defend myself verbally.

then i realized. why do i have to?

now. i listen attentively and do not take it personally. instead of feeling weak and defenseless (pattern of past) i imagine myself contained, self-reliant, independent and strong.

and i give him his right to speak, to be angry and to have issues with me. if he chooses. i used to feel this made me passive and voiceless. now i am trying to see myself as autonomous.

i think the same sort of dynamic is present with our children.

they can have the space to choose their lives and define themselves. this happens whether we permit it or not. we know this.

now we can do the same thing for ourselves. give ourselves the gift to define our conscious moments and embrace and be with our feelings, rather than fight them or run with them.

that is why re's response, she's still struggling is apt. it's true. and it names the issue as about our child, not us or our relationship.

i am learning i can be sad and afraid and still do a nice thing for myself. because i am the person who defines me...and how i think of myself and my life. nobody else.

 

[It'sbeentoolong]

I love your post. I am working so hard to learn boundaries. As I pulled up to my dual diagnosis homeless son sitting on a bench, I repeated to myself, "That is him. This is me. I'm not him." So elementary, but that's where I am.

 

[Littleboylost]

I love your post. I am working so hard to learn boundaries. As I pulled up to my dual diagnosis homeless son sitting on a bench, I repeated to myself, "That is him. This is me. I'm not him." So elementary, but that's where I am.

My mantra as well. as leafy says thoughts have power.

 

[New Leaf]

Thank you these words of wisdom are much needed today. A cold grey sad day. It's ok to embrace the sadness I just can't let it consume me.

It is a process we go through. Certainly, embrace the sadness. It is how you feel.
When I have my down days, I listen to sad songs.
I need that release.
It is a hard and weary road we travel, LBL.

today is time to watch a great movie or curl up with a book.

YES!

now we can do the same thing for ourselves. give ourselves the gift to define our conscious moments and embrace and be with our feelings, rather than fight them or run with them.

There is so much wisdom here. Thank you Copa.
The calm after the storm.
The house is quiet and you are actually able to sit with your thoughts and feelings.
Imagine that.
What a shock to the system after all that you have been through.
The peace of it is..........odd.
Honor your feelings and process them as they come and go.
May warmth and light comfort and guide you.
gentle soft cuddly blanket hugs to you LBL.
Leafy

 

[Lila256]

What a beautifully written post of a difficult experience. I completely understand that feeling of disquiet after the storm. I think I felt that for an entire month after he left home, where you don't know what to do or what is going to happen next. The feeling you describe as "empty in that place we call mother" is so accurate I almost started crying. I had been thinking about what to call that feeling for a while now, if I was describing it to someone and nothing seemed to quite fit. I'm sure your next battle is just beginning, as they seem to just take on new form as we move through this process. My heart is with you.<3

 

[pigless in VA]

You describe that feeling so poetically -- "empty in the place we call mother." I have two others but I know there is still this feeling akin to amputation. I can't retract or shrink the motherhood for my firstborn.

I've been feeling that empty place of motherhood, too. I am still moving things from my city home. On the last trip I found boxes of photos of the kids when they were young. I was thrilled to find them as Lloyd deleted all the photos from the computer. Then as I looked at some of them, I felt bereft at the close relationship that I used to have with my son has evaporated.

My own mother likes to say that if we give kids a good foundation of love in their early years, that it makes a huge difference later in life. I hope that is true.

 

[Littleboylost]

I've been feeling that empty place of motherhood, too. I am still moving things from my city home. On the last trip I found boxes of photos of the kids when they were young. I was thrilled to find them as Lloyd deleted all the photos from the computer. Then as I looked at some of them, I felt bereft at the close relationship that I used to have with my son has evaporated.

My own mother likes to say that if we give kids a good foundation of love in their early years, that it makes a huge difference later in life. I hope that is true.

I share the same hope Pigless. I truly do.

 

[Littleboylost]

Update;
2 weeks flys by fast. We get out of their way and it is up to them to do what they need to do.

Surprising son has a place to stay. It is a city over and he has to now catch 2 buses to get to school vs a 10 min walk. He is going. He sends we a message over wifi from school and it is 08:25 am! Wow. Good for him.

He stopped by for a visit. He doesn't like the place he stays very much. No food just a room, no wifi. I am glad he sees the way life is. He asked to take a shower and have a snack. I let him. He told me he is not taking xanax or anything else any more. Too soon for that to be reality. He did eat well and seamed clear headed.

He has his social assistance set up. I think he is realizing that he does not want this limited life for himself.

He asked me for a ride to court on Thursday. I will take him. I did not remind him of his court date. He remembered on his own.

He also asked if we could reschedule a visit to in Patient rehab and an intake interview. They kept his file open (good thing!). I have booked an intake interview on the 13th. Let's hope things don't go south before then.

He says he has changed his entire social circle of friends because the drug crowd are getting nowhere fast. Let's hope this sticks!

He left on a pleasant note. Did not ask for money or get into any negative discussions.
Hope with no expectations.

 

[Sam3]

I'm happy for you guys -- even if it turns out to be just a glimpse, he's capable of the right stuff.

 

[ColleenB]

I am hopeful for you LBL