The 2nd (maybe 3rd) worst phone call

[Littleboylost]

Hi McD
My Difficult Child is make also. I still live in fear of Sally Sad Sack pot smoking cop moms daughter gettin pregnant. Ugh!!!

You have had some wise support here. This is some tough stuff. You are an amazing and strong person. You are also a loving person and a good mom. The decisions we make are a struggle as they are counterintuitive to our mothering spirit.

I love REs quote argue with reality and suffer.

I agree that if you let that Camel into your tent you will be out in the cold before long.

 

[ksm]

Did you know you can google a sight... I think I found it be typing in reverse photo look up on google. Then you upload the photo on the sight and if it finds a match or near match, you can see it.

My DGD tried to buy extra time, saying her friends free birthday dessert was late being served and sent me a copy... Found out it was a photo from Applebee's website. She said she was at a local cal Mexican restaurant.

Ksm

 

[Crayola13]

If she's pregnant the situation will be very hard on you and your husband. You will be tempted to raise your grandchild. Your daughter is going to try and convince you that her word travelling days are over, and that she needs stability by living with you, etc. Eventually, she will probably decide that life isn't what she wants, and you will be raising the child while she continues to travel and have dysfunctional relationships with multiple men, etc. There are so many complications in raising a grandchild: Generation gap, expense, potential health problems as you age, etc.

 

[BloodiedButUnbowed]

I don't know if it's good or bad that if either of my difficult male stepchildren procreate, we will probably never know about it.

 

[BusynMember]

Good if they still ostracize their mother. It would break her heart and they would withhold them from her.

 

[Snow White]

Thanks, all. Crayola and DoneDad have summed up the "grandparents raising grandkids" scenario so well - we are definitely not prepared for that.

AND IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT - Totally unannounced, Daughter arrived on doorstep, complete with fiancé. While it was wonderful to see her (been 3 years for me and 6 for hubby), I could immediately feel the dread and uneasiness seeping through my body. The boyfriend is nice - he did not contradict any of her stories with regard to hospital stay, pregnancy, etc. However, my guard is really up when I heard that he has left his job and apartment behind (fully furnished, etc.). They loaded what they needed into his car and drove 1500 miles to our place. Her timelines are bizarre. Not sure she had "time" to get pregnant between her hospitalization and his hospitalization (she's only been in the country for 19 days. She stated boyfriend does not have money but that she does (last week she said she had hardly any money). Lots of "MY baby" comments. I reminded her that there are 2 parents involved here. Not even sure if she is pregnant - if she is, its going to be an extremely long 9 months.

So, against my better judgment and boundaries I thought were set in stone, they are being allowed to stay a couple of days to visit. She is always good for a week visit, so a few days should be doable. We will have the "family BBQ" on the weekend, so she/they can announce whatever news they wish to share. Then they can be on their way. They are not being given a house key and will need to be out of the house when hubby and I are not there.

I was happy to see her and hug her but now I am anxious and on edge. Wish us luck.

 

[Lil]

Good Luck McDonna. I hope this is just a short visit and goes smoothly.

 

[BusynMember]

I wish you luck. Take precautions with your money and bank account. Please dont think that she has changed. People dont change without serious therapy and desire. She may or may not be pregnant. Dont be shocked if there is a sudden miscarriage.

I have heard that cops and judges say "if it doesnt make sense, its not true." Your daughter and fiance have a very odd story and because of her history, included the gofundme scam, I dont believe her...she kind of has to prove to me that she is being truthful.

I would guard your heart and be leery of the boyfriend and watch out for the pregnancy, if there is one.

 

[Snow White]

Thanks, Lil! SWOT - you have repeated everything I am feeling/thinking - thank you for the reinforcement. I am so "on guard" right now. Especially more so guarded when I realized (through conversation) that daughter had not met fiance in her travels (apparently he does not have a passport). Another "internet" boyfriend. The last internet boyfriend was the one who paid her one-way ticket from Canada to Europe so she could start her travel adventure. That one didn't turn out well - she said he was a psychopath. Turns out we had actually met the European internet boyfriend many years prior when we had a family trip to Sweden and our son attended a sports camp that the boyfriend was at. Talk about your small world. He was far from a psychopath but of course, every guy she has been with gets labelled as that when she is done with them.

Daughter did the "miscarriage" drama once many years ago. Often, I marvel at daughter's histrionic and "medical" misadventures. She never seems to remember that I worked in a hospital for 24 years (OB/GYN in particular).

I trust nothing that comes out of her mouth. I don't know that I will ever be able to trust her. It's been so many, many years of lies and deceit. She has a "partner-in-crime" now, so her game can change at any time. Every time she talks about the "future", I keep thinking about the gofundme scam. She will not take ownership of it or the videos she circulated at the time. We've locked down pretty much everything we can think of but I'm sure she will still pry around.

 

[Albatross]

I am glad you are taking such thorough precautions, McDonna. What a shocker to have her show up on your doorstep that way. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I can't imagine their plan was to walk away from all of their belongings and drive 1500 miles to only stay for a couple of days. I think they have more in mind, and I think you are wise to set a firm limit on her visit. All of that being said, I do hope you have a lovely visit.

 

[BusynMember]

I am not sure your daughter will ever change. I have been on this board for a long time and read a lot if scary stories. Interestingly enough, the scariest were females...stealing, robbing, bankrupting Mom.

I am no doctor and not diagnosing and not even sure that I believe that personality disorders exist. But if they do, I think your daughter may qualify as antisocial. She is way over the top even for adult kids who bring us here. She is scary as a manipulator and a thief and a fraud (gofundme). She is so beyond normal with lying. She has lied you out of so much money. And others too.

Some people are not safe. Very tragically sometimes they are our beloved children. I get the feeling, from your posts, that your daughter is not safe. Ever. My guess is she wants something from you, pregnant or not, and that she thought up a story and put on her nice face to get it. This is how manipulators operate. They can be sweet as pie while they plot.

I hope I am wrong.

I also hope i have not offended you. I am worried about you. It is so easy to try hard to believe "This time maybe it's different." But with some people sometimes it never changes...some people dont, wont, cant or refuse to change. Im afraid your daughter may be one.

Remember, I have no credentials in psychiatry. I am just really, really concerned for you. This dropping by and story seems preplanned, contrived for a self serving reason.

Please take care.
.

 

[Snow White]

Oh my, SWOT! I am in no way offended by your comments. They are truthful, insightful and said in perfect context. They are both wanted and needed! Thank you.

I so wish that you and I were wrong. I know that she will never seek treatment. My husband wavers a bit - he said today that because we helped son and our hoarder friend that maybe we should help daughter now. I asked him if he had taken total leave of his senses. I reminded him of all the "help" we have given her in the past many years (think I need to print out all of my old posts for him to read again).

The truths will start coming out. She doesn't have the greatest memory and there are things that will be said that will help me fill in the details. Everything she does is with a motive. Time to play True Detective again.

I agree with others who have stated in various posts that it is often better to "love from a distance". Even that can be hard.

 

[RN0441]

Have been reading along. Please keep us posted. Good luck with this. So very very stressful.

 

[CareTooMuch]

It is just so hard as parents to know what to do even if we keep getting burned. We just can't turn our love off because they are our children, no matter what age. Deep breaths and try not to let this hurt your relationship with your husband, we all know this stresses even the best relationships

 

[Triedntrue]

I agree with the others you are in a very difficult situation. Anytime a child is mentioned it makes it so much more difficult. I also agree after a short visit other arrangements have to be made. The one thing i will hold to is that my son can not live here. It is my sanctuary and i need that. Prayers are with you.

 

[DoneDad]

I feel that I'm being rushed into making a decision and I now realize that it is exactly what she does every time....the drama is "instant" and I am being made to "fix it" immediately.

Wow, she's certainly done that by showing up unannounced at your doorstep supposedly pregnant. It's like being ambushed. I know all the emotions that go with it because we've been through it. How can I turn my pregnant daughter away? Isn't helping in tough times what family is all about? Isn't having a baby a joyous occasion, something to celebrate?

I hope everything turns out OK, but I have to tell you all my spidey senses are saying "WATCH OUT."

For one thing, who finds out their girlfriend is pregnant and then immediately quits their job and leaves their furnished apartment? Pin her down on details - where are they going when they leave your place? How will they pay the medical expenses of having a baby? (I don't know how it works in Canada, but it's expensive here.). Where will they live when they have the baby? How will they support it?

Can you see a therapist or the psychiatrist who told you not to let her move back in?

It could all be some kind of con, which the boyfriend is either in on or is also being conned. Who knows?

But if it's not, it's going to be very hard not to get dragged in as the pregnancy progresses, especially if the boyfriend splits and she's on her own. It's going to be winter and she'll be showing. It will be Christmastime. She's at your door. What do you do then? You've got to get boundaries established early to make sure that doesn't happen. There's got to be some kind of plan besides "I'll move in with you and you take care of me and then you raise the baby after it's born." (Unless you're OK with that). The first step is setting a firm date for them leaving your house.

Good luck. You are in a tough situation. You don't even know what's true and what isn't, it's not at all clear what is the right thing to do and what isn't, all kinds of emotions come in to play with a grandchild, it's a pretty impossible situation. I would try to see a therapist with your husband so you're at least on the same page as to what you want to do. Try to find something you can do for 30 minutes or so a day that just takes your mind off it, like running or playing guitar or planning a trip or whatever. You have to stay sane in an insane situation.

 

[DoneDad]

I forgot to mention another thing that makes it tough - everybody has an opinion on what you should do, especially family members. Or they want to tell you, "That would never happen to me because ......" Tune them all out, figure out what your long term goal is, and make a plan to get there.

 

[BusynMember]

If you dont get legal custody of the grand, and that means going against her in court and making her out to be unfit, she will use the child and take it from you every time you dont do what she wants. Legally she will be the one in charge even if you care for the baby unless you go to court and her rights are terminated and you get full custody.

 

[AppleCori]

Take care of yourself and your hubby, McDonna.

As others have said, there is something wrong with this picture.

I mean, what kind of man quits his job, leaves his apartment without notice, and abandons his possessions when his girlfriend is supposedly pregnant?

He sounds like the type of adult sons that bring many of us to this forum.

He is either a total patsy or a conspirator.

Watch your back.

 

[Cheerwyn]

Oh my gosh, what a shock it must have been to open the door and see them on your doorstep.

Your daughter was likely counting on using the element of surprise to catch you unawares and get into your house.
Because who does this? Who shows up unannounced like that???

Now that she's wedged her way it, it is going to be hard to get her out. After this weekend, could you and husband agree to move them to a hotel and pay for a week or two's stay? Because the longer she is in your home, the more difficult it will be to get her out when things turn south.

You have such a great heart and you clearly care for your daughter. But past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior. Please put yourself and your husband first here.