The 2nd (maybe 3rd) worst phone call

[Snow White]

There are no words other than evil, hell and hostage.

I've been off the computer pretty much since daughter arrived. Hide everything. I feel like the house has been taken over by aliens. And my mind goes back to the past - everything is being replayed....just with older people. Arguments, bullying, lies.

The roller-coaster has been up and running full swing since their arrival. Thursday evening I took daughter to yoga, after which she said she had a "vision" and that she needed to raise the child on her own. Made boyfriend sleep on the couch so she could "have her space". Friday they went out visiting old friends, so I guess everyone was on their best behaviour. Saturday morning - fighting again. boyfriend left the house (after being told to). Hubby went out looking for him. He eventually returned. We had already planned the "family get together BBQ" (damned if you do and damned if you don't). That turned into a disaster as daughter felt that several family members didn't even ask her about Asia. Hmmm...they were at the house for 2 hours (40 minutes of which daughter and boyfriend spent upstairs when company arrived - we had to physically go up and tell them dinner was on the table). With son & his girlfriend (and us) being the only ones left at the table, we got the "blame game" shoved at us. Afterwards, daughter suggests we watch a movie. We all settle in when one of our dogs decides to start "pawing" at the 2 of them. I reprimand dog but TV is so loud and dog is getting reinforcement from daughter. I tap dog (he's huge) on the shoulder to get his attention and suddenly daughter is taking her blanket and going upstairs because I am "abusing the dog". Thankfully, they go out on Sunday but I am just sick watching the abuse unfold. On Sunday evening, daughter tells boyfriend to leave the house because he went upstairs and had a shower without her. He leaves and sleeps in the car a block away from the house. Hubby went out to talk with boyfriend. boyfriend says, "It's ok, she will change her mind tomorrow." daughter wants to watch a movie with me...seriously? I made her watch Trainwreck. Thought it was appropriate but didn't think the happy ending would help her. Who can sit through a movie while their boyfriend is sleeping in a car?? Monday is like a hostage-taking. daughter got up in a foul mood. A few hours later, boyfriend rings the doorbell. daughter screams to not let him in. I told her it is our house and SHE had made him a guest. Let the boyfriend in and she went ballistic. Offered boyfriend food and tea, which he accepted. Eventually daughter came around and before you know it, they are a couple again. Hubby and I feel like wet dishrags. I get up on Tuesday morning and boyfriend is again on the couch. Before I can get showered, daughter has thrown his bags into the hallway and he is gone from the house. Hubby & I had an errand to run. We look for boyfriend's car but can't find it. We get back home and daughter is walking down the street (we thought she was looking for him but turns out she was "going for her run"). I'm home alone when I see boyfriend walking up the street to our house. I let him in and ask if he needs food. He eats. I ask him what he at the house to do. He told me, "I want to go home". I asked if he wanted to use the phone. He called his family. daughter had made sure that boyfriend used HIS money for gas and food on the trip out west. He had none left. Family asked if they could send me money to give to him. I did. daughter had found the car and was laying-in-wait for boyfriend. boyfriend asked to wait for her to leave so he could go. I drove around for a bit....daughter went home and boyfriend made his escape, thanking me for helping.

Then the REAL drama started. daughter went back to the car and discovered boyfriend was gone. Tried to rationalize (maybe he's gone for food, maybe to get gas, blah, blah, blah). After a couple of hours and frantic phone calls/texts to his family, she demanded I drive her to catch up to him. Told her he already had a few hours at the wheel. She then demanded our car and she would do it herself. When I said no, she called hubby at work, who also said, "No." Then the phone and furniture started flying. Called a friend to borrow their car. So desperate.

Now the plotting. Threaten boyfriend's brother. Cry to boyfriend's mother. Look at flights, bus, etc. to meet him. Then call friend (money man) out west...make plans to go there (ask him if HE wants to go on a road trip out east). Hubby had her convinced to take the bus...anything to just leave the house. But then she talked to another friend (I don't really like the bus). Now she wants to buy a bicycle and tour across Canada, eventually to her loved one.

So, that's the very, very condensed version of the past week. I did not/could not imagine that her evilness could extend that far - that she could treat someone she says she loves like a street dog. I am ashamed, disgusted and everything else in between.

Ready to purchase a one-way ticket for her. Problem is, she might not go.

Thanks for listening - sorry for the rant. I finally made it into work to try and get a few things done and that's where I'm emailing from. Fortunately, I have a very understanding management team.

I'm also going to change my profile name shortly. I think it's time. It's a little too close to my real name. But I hope you'll all remember me!!!

 

[BusynMember]

Your daughter is extreme and very dangerous.

You have others to protect. Get the police to get her out or take out a restraining order on her. I am no doctor but to me it sounds like she could be antisocial and they have no empathy and are very capable of harming others in many ways, as she did boyfriend.

I know you love her but she is incapable of being even decent. Incapable .Get her out. Never let her back .She is not capable of being a loving person. I know you keep hoping she will change but she is so extreme and vile....I personally dont think she ever will. Or wants to. She loves her entitled life

So sorry.

Love and light!

 

[Copabanana]

Hi M.

Every single thing you foretold.

There are no surprises here.

She is who she is.

The only decision there is with respect to daughter is "when." When to stop this. When you have had enough.

I would do almost anything to get her gone. And next time you choose to see her, it is on your terms away from your home.

She is who she is.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I would do almost anything to get her gone. And next time you choose to see her, it is on your terms away from your home.

I completely agree.

She is who she is.

That reminded me of this story......

The Scorpion and the Frog

A scorpion and a frog meet on the bank of a stream and the
scorpion asks the frog to carry him across on its back. The
frog asks, "How do I know you won't sting me?" The scorpion
says, "Because if I do, I will die too."

The frog is satisfied, and they set out, but in midstream,
the scorpion stings the frog. The frog feels the onset of
paralysis and starts to sink, knowing they both will drown,
but has just enough time to gasp "Why?"

Replies the scorpion: "Its my nature..."

Take very good care of yourself......

 

[Lil]

Ready to purchase a one-way ticket for her. Problem is, she might not go.

My opinion, fwiw:

Buy the ticket. Tell her to pack and you'll take her to the bus. If she throws a fit, call the police, tell them she MUST leave and you believe she will assault you if she stays, that she came to visit, but now refuses to leave. Give THEM the ticket.

You poor thing. I wish I could say anything else but that.

 

[DoneDad]

Sorry about what you’re going through. She has shown you (again) who she is.

For us, we finally had to accept that daughter is who she is. We can’t change her. Attempts to help her are just opportunities to take advantage of us to her. The only thing we can do is detach from her lifestyle and choices.

I’d get her out and make it VERY clear that she can’t come back. If she’s throwing furniture and damaging property, get the police involved.

She’s shown clearly that she is incapable of being a parent. Tell her you will not be raising her child for her and that she should consider adoption. She probably won’t do it, but that’s all you can do.

If you want to stop the roller coaster ride, you have to get off. She’s not going to change, no matter how much you want her to.

 

[ksm]

Omg... I am still hoping this pregnancy is a hoax... Ksm

 

[DoneDad]

I read your message again. One thing that struck me was this

Now she wants to buy a bicycle and tour across Canada, eventually to her loved one.

Is this the way an expectant mother thinks? Like ksm said, hopefully it’s a hoax.

 

[Albatross]

How are you, McDonna?

 

[Snow White]

Thank you to all for the reinforcing comments and suggestions. They are not lost on me and hubby.

We are breathing a HUGE sigh but still holding our breath. I last posted on Thursday, at which point daughter was on her "bicycle" idea. She went to a couple of bike shops but found it was too expensive. She returned to the house and then....reconnects with the boyfriend on Skype. She tried to convince him to come back - offered to pay gas money, flight, whatever. He was hesitant. She spent all night online. They have now planned to work on a fruit farm (boyfriend has a friend who owns a farm), earn a few weeks pay and then head to western Canada. On Friday, she continued working on her plan and late in the evening booked herself on a one-way ticket back to her boyfriend. So - off to the airport at 6 am on Saturday - happy to do it but so exhausted!

As she hugged me goodbye, the realization set in that this was a total game changer and that the next time will not be the way things used to be. I was instantly sad for my "perceived loss" but in retrospect I have actually "gained"....gain control, gain freedom, gain a healthy home.

Heard from her late Saturday night. She is with the boyfriend. All is well. Or so we thought. Was just walking into a desperately needed yoga class when I received a message from the boyfriend's mother, who is clearly upset. She says that her son won't speak with her and that she believes he is returning to our city. She hopes he will be ok. My thought is now that my daughter and boyfriend are refusing contact with his family so that they can proceed with their plan. I've heard nothing from daughter since. That's why there is still some "breath holding"!!!

Buy the ticket. Tell her to pack and you'll take her to the bus.

Lil - We came so close but then she back-tracked and missed the only bus out that day. In a way, I'm glad we didn't pay. This whole visit has been expensive ($500+ for her flight and $400 that his parents sent for him to return home).

I know you keep hoping she will change but she is so extreme and vile.

SWOT - even when she hugged me at the airport, I couldn't get some of the visions of her behaviour out of my mind. And all I have to do is look at the side of our nearly new fridge to remember her by!

I would do almost anything to get her gone. And next time you choose to see her, it is on your terms away from your home.

Hubby and I are firm in our plan going forward. She and/or boyfriend will not be allowed to stay in our home. They can stay in a nearby hotel/hostel/AirBNB and we will visit them. We will not provide money or pay for any debts they incur.

The Scorpion and the Frog

I had not heard this story in years - very appropriate. Thank you!

Is this the way an expectant mother thinks? Like ksm said, hopefully it’s a hoax.

DoneDad - there were days when she spoke of being pregnant and then days when she said nothing. And normally she 'fixates' on health issues, so it is quite odd. I'm hoping it's fake news. I don't think my husband and I could do the work that you are doing now to raise your grandchild. There will be a special place in heaven for you and your wife.

To end the story - today is our 35th anniversary! Our 20 year-old dishwasher died on Saturday (somewhat poetic), so our anniversary gift to ourselves will be a new one! I can't imagine sharing this up-and-down lifetime adventure with anyone else - we have been each other's rocks and we've definitely learned to roll!!!

 

[BusynMember]

The hug was fake to keep you available to do er bidding. My opinion.

I am appalled at daighters persuasive powers
She is only gponh to hurt her newest man again. She does not lnow how to hace a loving give and take relationship. This will end too the same way Occupational Therapist (OT) ended last time.

Since your daughter is such a hypochpndriac, wouldnt she play on her pregnancy of itbwere real? Morning sickness? Cramps? Fatiqie?

I beloeve you will hear about a miscarriage soon and she may be very draroc about it. Has she ever done farm work before? Wouldntbthat be hard to do if pregnant? Colore cynical and the only way I know your daughter is from your stories.

O am stuck on what kind of perspn would do what she does? Fake go fund me??? Her other balobey?

Please never letnher in your house again. I dont thinknits smartbto encourage herbtoblive near you. Your gisits will resultnin monetary demands and abuse.

One thing your daughter excels in....using anyone, even you.

Enjoy your anniversity! Love and light!

 

[Triedntrue]

Happy Anniversary! Be kind to yourselves turn off phone for the whole day and treat yourselves to a nice dinner or desert at least.

 

[DoneDad]

Happy anniversary! Enjoy your now peaceful house and new dishwasher and yoga class. I bet you feel like you've just gone through a cycle in the clothes dryer. Good luck going forward!

Her plan

They have now planned to work on a fruit farm (boyfriend has a friend who owns a farm), earn a few weeks pay and then head to western Canada.

doesn't sound like it's going to last more than a few days (working on a farm is hard work, and doesn't pay a lot) so be prepared for her to show up at your door again. Figure out what you're going to say so she doesn't catch you by surprise again.

Hubby and I are firm in our plan going forward. She and/or boyfriend will not be allowed to stay in our home. They can stay in a nearby hotel/hostel/AirBNB and we will visit them. We will not provide money or pay for any debts they incur.

Sounds like you have your boundaries set. Again, good luck!

 

[Littleboylost]

Thanks, all. Crayola and DoneDad have summed up the "grandparents raising grandkids" scenario so well - we are definitely not prepared for that.

AND IT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT - Totally unannounced, Daughter arrived on doorstep, complete with fiancé. While it was wonderful to see her (been 3 years for me and 6 for hubby), I could immediately feel the dread and uneasiness seeping through my body. The boyfriend is nice - he did not contradict any of her stories with regard to hospital stay, pregnancy, etc. However, my guard is really up when I heard that he has left his job and apartment behind (fully furnished, etc.). They loaded what they needed into his car and drove 1500 miles to our place. Her timelines are bizarre. Not sure she had "time" to get pregnant between her hospitalization and his hospitalization (she's only been in the country for 19 days. She stated boyfriend does not have money but that she does (last week she said she had hardly any money). Lots of "MY baby" comments. I reminded her that there are 2 parents involved here. Not even sure if she is pregnant - if she is, its going to be an extremely long 9 months.

So, against my better judgment and boundaries I thought were set in stone, they are being allowed to stay a couple of days to visit. She is always good for a week visit, so a few days should be doable. We will have the "family BBQ" on the weekend, so she/they can announce whatever news they wish to share. Then they can be on their way. They are not being given a house key and will need to be out of the house when hubby and I are not there.

I was happy to see her and hug her but now I am anxious and on edge. Wish us luck.

Best of luck keep us posted!

 

[Lil]

Happy Anniversary! I'm glad you are celebrating in relative peace.

 

[Wish]

Mcdonna, if she happens to swing by again soon, here's an idea if you really want to know if she is pregnant or not, because having that knowledge would of course really help you in a way. I know there so many other problems going on with her, but solving at least one big one might help.

Buy a pregnancy test in advance. This idea will only really work if you have two bathrooms I suppose because you want to have an open toilet you and your husband can use during this process. Rig the toilet she uses most in your home to where it can't flush (disconnect the chain entirely). After she goes to the bathroom, she will most likely tell you that the toilet won't flush. Act surprised and say ok, we will tend to it. Now assuming there is only urine in there and that your stomach can handle it, use the pregnancy test and dip it in there for however long the directions say to pee on the stick for. Make sure toilet is really clean beforehand but flush about 7 tines so there is no cleaning chemicals left that will hurt the pregnancy test. You could just clean the toilet out with a good white vinegar scrub which would be even better. Also have latex gloves ready because I'm sure you don't want to touch pee. Before I did this to the intended subject, I tested this idea out first on an actual pregnant woman (she was fully aware of what I was trying to do) who was only 2 months along at the time and the test did read correctly. The reason why we preformed this idea, ah, on second thought, too long of a story, lol.

I know this idea might be extreme and difficult for some, but for me it wasn't. I am a very determined truth finder and it was pretty easy for me to do. It's really not that complicated to do at all.

P.S. You can do this for drug testing as well.

Disclaimer 1: I can't swear 100% by the accuracy of test results preformed in this way.

Disclaimer 2: She might already know this trick so don't be surprised if she connects the toilet chain back up herself and flushes or gets really upset that the toilet won't flush, and if that happens, then you know your answer.

Disclaimer 3: I think someone mentioned this before, but it's worth mentioning again, make sure she is not reading this board. She seems pretty sneaky. Be wary of her getting into your computer or browser history somehow.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Mcdonna, I am just catching up on your thread and boy oh boy does it bring back memories. Our household got caught up in some pretty crazy shenanigans, right out of a Jerry Springer episode. It was the worst nightmare come true with three grands in the mix.
I put a stop to it by not allowing my two to stay in my home. Just. Cannot. Do. It.
I am glad you are setting boundaries.
It always amazed me how my two could recoup any kind of relationship after the bizarre arguments, chaos and drama. I have patched holes in my drywall, amongst other visual reminders, that it was a whirlwind of crazy that swept through my home and wreaked havoc on our lives.
My son said if I sponsored Tornados release, he would not be home much. He has been scarred by the memories and won’t tolerate another round.
Neither will I. It is unhealthy and nerve wracking, but for them, just another Tuesday. Their “normal” is like a war zone. I think some people just thrive off of chaos and drama.
I don’t even watch that stuff on tv, had my fill.
Our homes should be a respite, our sanctuary. No one has a right to come in and overrun our peace. No one.
I hope you have had time to decompress after all of this hoopla. I know my two gave me ptsd, I don’t ever want to witness that again.
What an upside down world our wayward adult children live in.

Wishing you a Happy Anniversary and newfound strength.
Onward and upward to living the best rest of your lives.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy