The Angry Phase?

[Tanya M]

WearyMom, you did great. My heart hurts for you, I know how hard it is to hear those words "I'm hungry". One thing for sure our Difficult Child are very resourceful and they will not starve. One thing I always keep in mind is that they always manage to find a way to have their booze and drugs so if they can do that, they can surely come up with a meal.
They don't seam to have a problem putting out the effort to get their drugs or booze but when it comes to food it's like it's too hard for them so instead they call us and hope they can get us to feel sorry for them.
My son has made many comments about how he should just kill himself because he's so tired of always screwing things up. It is hard to hear those things but all I can do is tell him I'm sorry he's struggling and that I love him. I've been through it for so many years with my son that he rarely asks me for anything because he knows I will say no. Of course that doesn't stop him from spinning a story in hopes that I will feel sorry for him.
It's good that you have talked to your mother in-law about what's going on. It sounds like she understands. Sometimes people don't so be on your guard for that also. I have had people make comments to me "how can you allow your son to be homeless and hungry" to which I tell them, he's an adult, I have no control over his choices and it's his choices that have led him to be homeless and hungry. These type of people you have to just let go. If they cannot support you then you should distance yourself. Don't let your daughter or anyone else try and make you feel guilty. This is nothing that you did. One thing I know for sure is that people that have found their way to this site truly love their children, if they didn't care they wouldn't be here.
I hope you are taking time to take care of yourself.
((HUGS)) to you................

 

[WearyMom18]

Do any of you ever find yourself questioning why you're not allowing your Difficult Child to come home, why you're going the tough love route? Similar to when we look back on childbirth and think, that wasn't so bad because time has past and the pain and suffering you felt has faded in your mind. I know that when I think back to just 1 month ago, right before my Difficult Child left home, it was miserable because of her sneaking around, drug use in my home, lying, secret phone conversations and not respecting our rules not to mention the legal problems, court dates and all my efforts to help her with that and more. I know it was miserable and stressful and couldn't continue for my health, literally but I have moments when I doubt that I'm doing the right thing by making her struggle and essentially pay the consequences of her actions. I ask myself, did I do everything I could have done? Should I have gotten her back in rehab again? Should I have tried therapy again or an inpatient mental health facility? I have done all of those things and they didn't seem to help because she wouldn't cooperate with them. There's all of that but there's also what started her homelessness which is this crazy hit and run incident which I think was a drug deal gone bad and the cops looking for her. She ran off on foot and that's when she stopped loving at home. I do not want to live like that anymore, I know that all the times in the past that I gave her money it enabled her and I know she can't live at home anymore because she will not respect us or our rules but at the same time, there are times (not always) that I ask myself if I'm abandoning her and ultimately adding to the failure her life is becoming. Ughhhh, I hate this doubt although I know I can't live that way anymore.

I guess I'm scared that because she has violated our trust so many times and we will probably never be able to trust her again that we won't really know if she turns her life around or has learned her lesson? How will I know if she is truly in bad shape and truly needs help? Am I damaging her for life by pushing her away? She has no stable place to stay and therefore has a hard time getting a job and with no transportation it means relying on others. She has nothing but the clothes on her back but I also know that if we let her come home it would go back to the same crap all over again.
I guess I'm feeling sorry for her and I'm in a moment of weakness. I'm doubting myself. I feel like a horrible person at times but then I think, after today's cry for help because she's hungry, if she was truly hungry wouldn't she have pushed me harder to help her instead of just saying OK? That's not like her to say OK and stop texting. She didn't have a ride to my mother in law to go eat, was that just because she wasn't offered money and was just offered food?

I want to believe that she is just trying to get money but she has never reached out to family before today and it was to ask for food. That kills me; makes me think she was truly in need of food and that makes me so sad.

Writing all of this is making me feel better to get all of these thoughts out of my head and down on 'paper' so don't feel like you need to respond.

My heart hurts.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm sorry your heart hurts. I know so well how that feels.

Do any of you ever find yourself questioning why you're not allowing your Difficult Child to come home, why you're going the tough love route? Similar to when we look back on childbirth and think, that wasn't so bad because time has past and the pain and suffering

Yes, I think we all question ourselves over and over and over again because we want so bad to believe them even when we know better, the self doubt on this path is enormous. This is one of the reasons I always strongly suggest getting professional support. I don't know that I could have done it without that support, it is just too hard.

I ask myself, did I do everything I could have done? Should I have gotten her back in rehab again? Should I have tried therapy again or an inpatient mental health facility? I

Those "shoulds" are a killer, however you might consider changing the should to "could." It feels more like a choice then. You could have gotten her into rehab, but if you read all our stories here, you will get that the only time an addict changes is when THEY are ready, not when you get them into rehab. You could have tried therapy again or inpatient mental health facility, but you likely know on some level, that without a commitment to change from your daughter, nothing is going to happen. You can work hard and then harder but it won't make any difference until SHE is ready to change.And if she is really ready to change, you will know it. She will not be calling for food.

I do not want to live like that anymore,

You know what that is like. So do I. So do most of us here, and most of us here cannot live with our troubled kids. You shouldn't have to live like that. YOU are not making the poor choices, she is. She has to suffer the consequences, not you. She will only learn when she becomes aware of how all of this has impacted her life. Or not. She may not get that for a long time. Which is why it's up to you to change. She won't. You will likely need help to do it, the doubts, she shoulds, the guilts, they are very, very difficult to stop. For me, having a therapist continue to remind me of my choices, remind me of my power, remind me of what the appropriate path is......was invaluable and allowed me to learn and to heal and to grow so that I stopped enabling and stopped simply surviving and worrying and started thriving.

How will I know if she is truly in bad shape and truly needs help? Am I damaging her for life by pushing her away?

I believe if she is really in bad shape you will find out. Until then, you can worry yourself sick about something that may never happen, or you can learn to live in the uncertainty and chaos that is this life we Iive here........it is a harrowing path with a lot of uncertainty and we humans are not wired to do uncertainty well.......we want to control life, and control the people around us. But, we can't. And learning that we can't is a 'mother' of a lesson in life....perhaps the hardest thing you'll ever do.........it was certainly the hardest thing I've ever done. And, you are not pushing her away, she walked away on her own because of the choices she made. You are protecting yourself and your family. She made all the poor choices, you did not, you did not push her away. That is guilt talking. Guilt is part of this, but over time, you'll realize, it has no bearing on anything and will not serve you to feel it......as a humorist used to say, "guilt is the gift that keeps on giving." Let it go. You did ENOUGH already. ENOUGH. We often have no idea what enough is with our kids because they manipulate our emotions with their neediness. When drugs are involved, you are dealing with someone who is operating under a substance, it is not your little girl talking, it is an addict talking, willing to do whatever it takes to get what they need.

I feel like a horrible person at times

Every one of us here has felt like a horrible person. These are our children and we are forced to detach from them and allow them to learn (or not) from their behavior when they face the consequences. It goes against everything we know about parenting and love.......we want to help, support, nurture, love, guide........all of it........but we cannot.......these are abnormal ways of responding, and we have to learn how to do it. OR live the way you were living when your daughter was living with you. That is our choice.

I want to believe that she is just trying to get money but she has never reached out to family before today and it was to ask for food. That kills me; makes me think she was truly in need of food and that makes me so sad.

It is sad. It is very, very sad. And we have to move through that too......all of those feelings are devastating for us parents. We have no control over our kids choices. But, we do have choices over how we deal with their choices, how we respond to those choices and even how we feel about their choices. And, it usually requires help to stay the course. As you can see, it is HARD.

Since your daughter has a number of mental health issues, I think you would find NAMI to be helpful. You can access them online and they have chapters in most towns and cities. They offer excellent resources for parents and informative courses for parents as well. You may also benefit from Narc Anon or Families anonymous. Many here find great comfort in these programs. I can't stress enough how much harder it is when you are without support. You will move though all of the heartache faster and easier if you put yourself in supportive environments.

Hang in there, you really are doing a good job. AND, it's hard. Questioning yourself as you've done tonight is a part of this path, you are going to have more of those moments, it is unavoidable. My only child is older then you are now and I had to go through exactly the same things you are going through. It isn't easier when your kids are older, it is the same, we are always parents, they are always our children......it is always hard. But, there is a path that works for us, it is detachment and acceptance. And it is a tough one, there are many lessons to learn, we have to change our thinking in many ways......and learn a new way of dealing with uncertainty and chaos and lack of control BUT, it can be done. YOU can do it. I did it. So can you.

Sending you a big hug for your hurting heart......I am truly so sorry you're going through this, I do know how much it hurts......

 

[WearyMom18]

You're right, I need to get myself some support to help me through this. I'm learning to be strong but I'm not strong enough to get through this alone. I will make that my task this week, check into the groups you have recommended and into getting in with a therapist too.

The journey goes on and I wont quit...

 

[recoveringenabler]

I'm not strong enough to get through this alone.

WearyMom, very, very few of us are strong enough to get through this alone. I'm happy that you'll be seeking support, you deserve that and it will help you in enormous ways. If you don't like the first therapist, find one you do like, it's important to find someone you feel safe with. Ask around at NAMI, finding someone who is knowledgeable about mentally ill kids who are substance abusers will be your best resource and NAMI likely can give you referrals. Good luck on your search.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

As I expected and as you have all warned me abou, she text me today and said she's hungry and her boyfriend 'screwed her over' 2 days ago and she's back in our hometown.

This is a time of power and opportunity for you.

State what you expect from your child and accept nothing less. If she comes back into the fold, wonderful. If she chooses not to abide by your rules that is on her.

Now I am going to read the rest of your post. This time is crucial for both of you. I hope to read that you stuck to your guns and came out blasting.

I hope this for you so much.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

Weary,

You've gotten some great advice and support on this thread. I don't have anything smarter to add. I do want to say that I feel ALL of what you are saying, and have been there as well, more than once...its like a gyre.

I want to address the "I'm hungry" thing, though. Hunger is a funny thing in our incredibly well-resourced country. Some how we have the idea that we should never feel hunger and our kids particularly have a weird incapacity to tolerate even an hour or an evening of being hungry. We equate it with deprivation....I just want to say IT ISN"T THE SAME THING. People are hungry when they diet, when they stay late at work, when they got to the hotel late and the restaurant was closed. They are hungry when they travel, through time changes and when they forget to plan for food on the plane. HUNGER is different than STARVING. Hungry is not an issue...in fact I think that the inability to tolerate a little discomfort like being hungry for an evening is related to our kids inability to tolerate anything but immediate gratification, with their drugs, their texts (repeated like gun fire till we answer) their refusal to do any kind of consistent work or chore or school.

Hungry is just a thing, almost a signal of being spoiled. In the world of homelessness here there is NO lack of food, but it does require some effort to stay on top of it. She'll figure it out. I mean, if she can't be motivated to FEED herself, what is there?

I have more thoughts, especially about the regret and self doubt...but I'll have to say those later, and much of it has already been said.

Hugs to you, Weary.

Echo

 

[Tanya M]

Do any of you ever find yourself questioning why you're not allowing your Difficult Child to come home, why you're going the tough love route?

I think this is very normal to have these thoughts. When I was just starting to go through all the troubles with my son I second guessed so many of my decisions. It's the "mom" in us that wants to protect them, kiss their boo boos and make everything ok but we have to remember they are not "little kids" anymore, they are adults. The natural progression of life is you have children, you raise them by teaching them right from wrong, you feed them, you clothe them, you love them, you support them, and then one day they go out into the world and live their life. The difference for parents like us is that our Difficult Child are making poor choices in how to live their lives. We have no control over the choices they make.

I have moments when I doubt that I'm doing the right thing by making her struggle and essentially pay the consequences of her actions.

You are not making her struggle, you do not have that kind of power. She is struggling because of the choices she is making. Paying the consequences of her actions, again, that is a natural progression of her choices.

I ask myself if I'm abandoning her and ultimately adding to the failure her life is becoming

You have not abandoned her, she has abandoned you. She has abandoned all that you have taught her.

guess I'm scared that because she has violated our trust so many times and we will probably never be able to trust her again that we won't really know if she turns her life around or has learned her lesson? How will I know if she is truly in bad shape and truly needs help? Am I damaging her for life by pushing her away?

Trust is something that once it's broken will never be the same. My husband and I have given our Difficult Child so many chances, we have "wiped the slate clean" so he could start over, paid his rent, bought him food and clothes, all he had to do was get a job. We did this more than a few times. Every time he would scam us, lie to us, play us for fools. In order for me to ever trust my son again would take years of him living a responsible life and even then it would always be in the back of my mind. I will always love my son but trust him, I have accepted the fact it may never happen.
You already know your daughter is in bad shape or your wouldn't be worried, you wouldn't be searching for help. That's part of what is so hard about dealing with a Difficult Child, you know they are in trouble but there is nothing you can do to save them. Again, they are not little kids anymore, they are adults. The only way their lives will ever change for the better is if they themselves decide to change and put for the effort.

My son has told me so many times that he is tired of living the life he's living and I've told him that in order to change it he has to put forth the effort. I've told him there are many organizations available to help him but until he puts effort into changing it won't happen. There is nothing more I can do for him other than pray for him and let him know that I love him.

It takes time to work through the emotions you are feeling. Guilt can be a big one, there's nothing like "mom guilt" but you need to remember you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not do this to your daughter, she did this to herself.

While this site is a great and offers advice and tools in how to deal with all that you are going through I would also suggest getting some counseling.

I've been dealing with my Difficult Child for close to 20 years and I can tell you that you can get through it, you can and should go on to live a wonderful joy filled life.

Hang in there!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Yes, I unblocked her number this morning after feeling bad for blocking her. (A step back I guess)

Not a step back.

You have a right to know.

It is what you do with the information, it is how you see yourself and how you treat yourself now, that is what matters.

Be wise and be wary.

I told her I was sure she would find a meal commenting that I know she is resourceful

Great response.

Good for you!

:O)

I am sorry for the mishmash of emotions and for the hurt and confusion and anger and shame. You handled it so well.

difficult child will be wondering where she stands, now. The changes in you will puzzle and maybe even frighten her. If you can frighten her enough, perhaps she will change, too.

If not, the strength and changed perspective about who is the guilty one here will help you survive the choices your child is making intact.

10 minutes later I grt a text from my mother in law that Difficult Child had text her and told her she was hungry. mother in law told her she would feed her if she wanted to come over. Difficult Child told her she didn't have a ride. mother in law told Difficult Child that she has broken her heart with her choices. Difficult Child said sorry and stopped texting.

I am so glad the grandmother texted you regarding her grandchild. That indicates trust and respect.

Sorry, but I cannot turn the italics off. Whatever I write continues to come in italics. Please disregard those darn italics. They are not intentional.

So hard to hear that your child is hungry but my very first thought was that she was lying, trying to get money and that her boyfriend is probably still around.

None of this is easy.

You are doing so well.

I'm trying to not let it worry me, she's always found a way when she ran away all those times before, she will find a way now. I'm proud that I kept the responses short and didn't fall prey to what might be another lie. I also coached my mother in law to give her no money and only if she wanted to, give her food. I know I'm going the right way but it was a tough interaction even without her yelling or anything.

There is nothing easy about any of this. What is happening to our children is tragic. Here on the site, we are trying to learn how to survive it.

Once again, I think you are handling all of it so well. Your advice to the mother-in-law, the support the mother-in-law obviously feels for you and the love she feels for her grandchild ~ these are all places of strength for everyone in the family.

When our daughter went into inpatient at a dual-diagnostic for the first time (at fourteen), both my husband's parents were there the next day. There was nothing they could do either, but they loved her (and us) enough to be there for their granddaughter.

Husband's mother (Hey! The italics are gone!!! :O)) would remain a staunch support for both husband and myself through all the hellish years to come.

So I am glad you have a mother-in-law like that.

I just don't know how to feel.

I know what you mean. I am sorry this is happening.

You are here with us, now.

We will all get one another through whatever is coming, next.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I ask myself, did I do everything I could have done?

This question is actually crucial. How you answer it in your secret heart matters very much. In this, I am sometimes at odds with the others on our site. I feel strongly that we cannot fully practice detachment parenting until we can know we have done everything we can possibly do for our children.

This is not a game.

Bad things can and do happen.

If a bad thing happens, you (and I) need to know, deep down in the roots of ourselves, that we have done our best to save our children.

Helping the kids turns out to be detaching from the emotions and performing actions that I have seen help other kids on this site.

That is how I learned to practice detachment parenting. I swear, if things go well with everyone for like, two minutes, I slip right back into the mom I wish I had been able to be.

But I cannot be that mom.

If I want to help my differently wired children toward independence, I have to be the kind of mom I am crafting of myself (with everyone's help) here on the site.

My children are older than your troubled child. We did have them home, separately and together and with their children and with all their dogs and cats and birds. And they did try, and they did stop using, and they did do well but they went back to it. Addiction is a cruel master. I believe now that unless you can see addiction for what it is and separate the love you feel for your child from the really rotten things that are going to happen because of the addiction, it will be very hard to parent appropriately for an addicted child.

The rules are different, when your child is addicted. I am not sure what the high feels like, but I have seen the puzzlement, the horrified acknowledgment, the pain and desperation in the eyes of a child who cannot escape the hell of his (or her ~ I have two, remember) addiction.

I am sorry this happened to your child.

There is research indicating there is a genetic component to addiction. Your daughter may not have done anything differently than all kids do. A little experimentation for the others turned into a trap, a steel strung trap, for her.

And for my kids, too.

There are no villains, here.

Our children are in trouble, and we have to figure out how best to parent them, now that the addiction has them, and how best to console and strengthen ourselves for the battle ahead.

My goodness, but I am chatty this morning.

You must have hit a chord. I learn so much about myself when I am posting for another mom.

Thank you.

***

Really, for me, until I could understand the unbalanced dynamic that had come to be between myself and my children because of addiction ~ through my enabling and their lying and justification ~ I could no more consider detachment parenting than I would consider throwing my tiny dog or cat onto the street and expecting them to make it.

I love cherishing and protecting and teaching my kids and my animals and my husband and myself. That is what it is to be human, and to be happy.

It wasn't until I could understand that the things that would soothe my worried mind and my terror about the future and the real, living, sickening horror of the imagery of what was happening to either child in the present ~ it wasn't until I could get it that what I was doing was not only not helping, but was making things worse, that I began to think about all of this differently.

Part of it, I think the first step, for me, had to do with the way my son talked to me. All at once, I could see the wrongness of it not as something he didn't mean, not as something that was happening out of his desperation to hide his dire straits from both me and himself, but as simple abuse.

That's when I began to see all this differently.

Another thing that helped me: MWM posts all the time about older children being cared for and abusing their even older parents.

Huh.

So that meant that loving them enough could never change the paths all our lives were following.

In fact, loving them enough could find me harboring both of them, me poor now too because they finally got hold of power of attorney and ran through my money for drugs and all of us living by the messed up parameters of relationship that had evolved around denial and addiction.

So, once I got that, then I had to admit the truth of it.

And I had to change. For all our sakes, I had to change what was happening to all of us.

When I could see it that way, I could do it.

It gets to be about loving ourselves and one another enough to do the right thing, however bad it feels.

Once we can see what the right thing is.

And it is a good place to get to, because our daughter was beat and left for dead just over a year ago now. There was brain damage, there were children involved, there was ongoing addiction and homelessness.

And somehow, we made it through that.

You will have to be very strong to get yourself and your daughter through her addiction, too. You will have to be very wise to love her, and continue to love yourself, through everything that may be coming.

But here we all are, and our stories are all so terribly sad, but we are standing, and we have learned we are strong enough, after all.

I am so happy to know you have found us, and that you and your child will not be going through this alone.

It is a very hard thing, to learn how not to judge either them or ourselves.

Cedar

P.S. Well, for Heaven's sake. Looks like I finally ran out of things to say.

:O)

 

[WearyMom18]

If it weren't for all of you these past few weeks I swear I probably would have given her money or worse to continue enabling her. It would make me feel better for just that instant in time when she was smiling at me and says Thanks, Mom as she takes the money from my hand. I'm proud of myself for the changes I've made but as you have all acknowledged, this is a very hard road and it's indefinite. Your understanding and support are worth their weight in gold.

Thank you all, I am so blessed to have found you.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

True. The hardest thing is to live with ourselves when we have not given money or a ride or our time or a place to live or food. Especially when we have enough, and more than enough. Especially when the happiness and stability of our children's lives truly powered the beat of our own hearts. (Not to be too dramatic here, but purplish prose sometimes turns out to be the only way to describe such a powerful thing as mother love.)

I have never loved the way I love my children. There has never been joy that begins to compare to the simplest things having to do with my children. The way the sun shone into the room when they were babies, the strength in them as they grew ~ watching their senses of humor develop!!!

:O)

Remember those first little jokes they would tell?

Ha!

To wonder at the intelligence and vocabulary and appearance of these people who were growing up and up, taller than me, now.

And then, I lost them.

So the battle is how to love what is.

How to face what is.

How to trust myself, because I still feel a measure of responsibility. Not the full weight of it, as I did when they were the age your child is, now.

It is a very hard thing.

Cedar

 

[Tentimesaround]

Each day I strive for strength and peace and I pray my daughter will find this as well, knowing that this is for each of us to find. I, too, have struggled with the same thoughts and feels as you. Waking each day not knowing what will happen next. I am new to this journey as well so sliding backwards is very easy. My heart aches with sadness and pain when I see her classmates graduating and living normal teen lives. I have cried endless tears over this, screamed in rage and frustration and sunken into deep depression over these things. I have fixed, managed, mended, disaplined, discussed, ignored etc etc. without result. Finding this site was a turning point for me. I no long felt so alone and I found solace in the wisdom of the parents here. I have cried for them and prayed for them all the while learning from them. In the past month I have begun to change...no longer letting little things destroy my day or ruin my life. I have blocked my Difficult Child calls as I do not have the strength do deal with her and her life is not mine to deal with. I have attend 2 alanon meetings and have found such strength there. Building this base of support is teaching me how to change my own behaviour. Now before reacting to a situation or allowing negative feelings to overwhelm me, I take a moment to tell myself "left it go" or "silence". This has been a big step for me! I am a mom, a doer a fixer. I know through all of these struggles I will grow stronger and find my way. I love my daughter and wish the same for her but that is for her to do. WM I hope and pray the same for you and your child. Just know we are all with you and we have all asked ourselves the same questions.

 

[Lil]

My son has made many comments about how he should just kill himself because he's so tired of always screwing things up.

OMG I hate those calls. I hate the despair and self-loathing he'll come out with sometimes. What makes it worse is...he doesn't have to be this way! Get a job! Pay your bills! Quit being like this! I truly believe he chooses to stay this way, yet hates it, still has no desire to change. I guess I do understand it in a small way. I hate my cluttered house, but have no desire to clean. Sort of the same. But my life won't go downhill if my house is dirty.

Do any of you ever find yourself questioning why you're not allowing your Difficult Child to come home, why you're going the tough love route? Similar to when we look back on childbirth and think, that wasn't so bad because time has past and the pain and suffering you felt has faded in your mind.

Constantly. I have to constantly remind myself that he stole from us and we grounded him and then forgave him. We stole again and we cut off funds to him, yet still let him go to college. He blew off college and cost us thousands in housing, yet we forgave him and had him come home. We gave him a month to find work, it took him two or three, then I got up two hours early to make sure he got to work, then he quit. And at some point in there he stole from us again...nearly $700 cash...and tried to lie about it. It took all that for us to put him out. Now we're paying his rent, because he got a job and we co-signed the lease for him so he could have a place to sleep days and work nights. And he lost that job within a month and got arrested within days.

The worst part? While he was doing all that stealing and such at home...I liked him. I liked him better before we found the missing money than I had in years. He was working. He was nice. He actually talked to us. And he was stealing from us.

I still can't wrap my brain around it.

I guess I'm scared that because she has violated our trust so many times and we will probably never be able to trust her again that we won't really know if she turns her life around or has learned her lesson? How will I know if she is truly in bad shape and truly needs help? Am I damaging her for life by pushing her away? She has no stable place to stay and therefore has a hard time getting a job and with no transportation it means relying on others.

Ditto.

I worry constantly that this is just getting worse. Mine has until June to get work and pay his rent himself. In June his lease is over. In June his phone is cut off. To my knowledge, he isn't even looking.

Hugs to you...from one "weary mom" to another.

 

[WearyMom18]

Yesterday she was hungry, called me and her grandmother for help and then nothing. No communication today. I guess she found some money to get high so she's good again....makes me sick. I know of I was truly hungry and my grandma offered me a meal, even a TV dinner, I would have gotten there somehow to get it. So sick of the lies. I don't want to hear about her constant struggles because it is still hard for me to deal with. I'm better and when she contacts me I've been strong and done the right thing (no money, no nothing) but it sure would be nice if she wouldn't even tell me about it. She is completely clueless to the impact on others and I also think she is so self-centered that she can't think that way. It would be so nice if she would just do her thing that clearly, is more important than being a decent, productive person and leave me alone.
she has said, in the past, that she hates to see me cry or be stressed but her actions scream, 'I want my way or I'm going to scream and slam doors and not come home for days at a time!'

I know there are ways to get on your feet, even at 18. I have given her the name and number of a place that will give her a place to stay, meals and help her learn job skills. I can only imagine in her mind she's saying, 'that's dumb Mom, I can do it myself' but then never does it.
It's so frustrating! Not only have I put myself through hell trying to help her and get her professional help but now that she's gone, I now need therapy and group support to learn how to live with the hurt and disappointment she continues to cause. It's a curse, these Difficult Child's!!!
Lord help the therapist I work with, they've got their work cut out with me. I'm a sad, mad, frustrated, hurt, confused momma of a child that doesn't care about the destruction in her wake.
When I update my Dad on my Difficult Child'S situation he says I didn't spank her butt enough growing up. Lol, he's from the old school and I remember being her age and thinking to myself that I would never do anything to disrespect my parents. I did from time to time by talking back or some other minor offense and it was handled and we went on.
I don't remember having peers that ever did the stuff my daughter has done and is still doing. I can see how the older generation would think we aren't parenting forcefully enough; demanding respect and consistent punishment as my dad does. I tell him I did all of those things and tried every other approach too and this is still the outcome. Then he said with a chuckle, 'Must be the hormones in the food!' LOL. At least he has his own ways of trying to figure this out or make sense of it although I don't think there is any logic or sense to it. Clearly, my daughter left a nice home, nice clothes, a car, college education, large and loving extended family, etc.....for what.....dope, illegal activity, poverty, suffering, homelessness? Great choice! There is no sense about it, it's a wiring problem which I guess she's going to have to digure out for herself.

Rant over...LOL

 

[Tanya M]

It is just truly sad that these Difficult Child don't see how good they have had it and what they are giving up. My son was also raised in a good home, loving extended family, he had every opportunity to do something great with his life. We certainly did not expect him to be a Dr. or Lawyer but we had hoped that he would at least get a job and take care of himself. I have accepted that all the dreams I had for him are just that dreams. I have accepted the fact that he is going to live his life the way he wants.

You are doing great by not giving into your daughter. I know how hard it is, I know the struggle between your heart and head.
I'm glad that you are going to seek out some counseling. It's so important for you to take care of yourself and reclaim your life.

Thanks for sharing and hugs to you...........

 

[Lil]

I have given her the name and number of a place that will give her a place to stay, meals and help her learn job skills.

Ours actually did go to a homeless shelter and after three months, got a job and promptly got kicked out, which is how he ended up in the apartment he's in now. He was told by people at the shelter he should join the service. He was 19 with no record. Nope. I suggested Job Corps. I have a friend who's stepson went and got a computer tech certification. My son was ONE quarter from having that certification in high school. He would live in Chicago, have everything paid, get his cert. and job search help. But no. Won't consider it. Basically, won't consider nothing with rules attached.

I remember being her age and thinking to myself that I would never do anything to disrespect my parents. I did from time to time by talking back or some other minor offense and it was handled and we went on.
I don't remember having peers that ever did the stuff my daughter has done and is still doing. I can see how the older generation would think we aren't parenting forcefully enough; demanding respect and consistent punishment as my dad does. I tell him I did all of those things and tried every other approach too and this is still the outcome. Then he said with a chuckle, 'Must be the hormones in the food!'

Same here. Granted my son didn't really start giving us trouble until he was about 16 or 17, but at his age I was consciously avoiding doing things that my parents would be hurt by. I drank. But all kids drank. That was it. I wouldn't even have dated anyone they didn't approve of. I didn't talk back. I didn't demand. I didn't throw tantrums. Drugs? NEVER! I would NEVER have done that. Hell, when I was in law school I got a blood clot in my leg and was hospitalized. I had to confess to my mom that I took birth control pills. I was sooooo embarrassed and so worried about disappointing them. In. My. 20's. I hadn't lived at home for YEARS.

I don't think I was inconsistent with him. We would tell him no...and usually stick to it. He never, ever, got his way when he would throw a fit. I did the carrying him out of stores because he wanted something and threw a tantrum. We spanked...until he was about 7...it simply didn't do anything. Taking stuff away did, so we did that. We once took his games and toys away for a month and he had to earn them back...one at a time. I don't think we did anything wrong, parenting-wise.

It is just truly sad that these Difficult Child don't see how good they have had it and what they are giving up. My son was also raised in a good home, loving extended family, he had every opportunity to do something great with his life.

I keep telling myself this too. He had a nice room, tv, dvd, playstation, computer, car. We bought food that only he would eat. All he had to do was not do drugs, treat us with some respect, get a job and not steal. Really, that was all we wanted.

 

[BusynMember]

Yesterday she was hungry, called me and her grandmother for help and then nothing. No communication today. I guess she found some money to get high so she's good again....makes me sick. I know of I was truly hungry and my grandma offered me a meal, even a TV dinner,

Although they all use the hungry card, because they know it tears up our hearts and makes us feel very guilty, it is 99% probably not true. The homeless have many resources for food...being hungry isn't really an issue. The street community is close and share this info with one another. They access everything from food pantries, to the Salvation Army (great resource), to picking food out of garbage cans from grocery stores that throw out day old food (most still wrapped...a bit yukky, but when you do drugs, you aren't all that concerned with cleanliness) and other places. NEVER EVER send money. If they say, "I'm hungry, send money" DO NOT. Find the resources in your area that are free. If you feel generous, bring them a sandwich or bread and peanut butter. But if you send them money, you are sending them drugs, which is why they are telling you they are hungry. Usually.

As you see, your daughter was not starving as she turned down a meal. Starving people don't do that. You are probably right about what happened. And it used to make me sick too. My daughter was never homeless, although I did kick her out, however she had other dire "needs" and requests for money from us, including "I'm sick." We told her to go to a hospital and we'd directly pay the bill. We didn't hear back about that again.

 

[Tanya M]

You can drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong and the reality is, we may never know. I have actually gotten to the point that the how and why no longer matter as having that knowledge won't change anything.

As parents we do what we can to help our children. Some of us have gone above and beyond what we should have to help our Difficult Child. We each have to find the stopping point, the point where we know that we can do no more for our Difficult Child. For some that point comes quickly while others it will take longer. There is no one size fits all answer when it comes to dealing with our adult children and their poor choices.

I am grateful for this site where we can come together to share our hurts and our victories. It's a true blessing.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I guess I'm scared that because she has violated our trust so many times and we will probably never be able to trust her again that we won't really know if she turns her life around or has learned her lesson? How will I know if she is truly in bad shape and truly needs help?

Based on a challenging brother... You WILL know if/when she turns her life around and learned her lesson.

If/when that happens... she will NOT be in bad shape, and will generally NOT be calling for help.

She will have her life in reasonable order. Her call may be for advice - like how to solve a problem for herself, not how to get you to jump in. She will be interested in you and what you are doing.

If those things haven't happened... you really can't trust her.

My bro... well, he got my parent's trust back. And some of mine - but I still have boundaries.