Thank you all for your comfort and guidance
The rage is so overpowering that it replaces all else. The mechanics of this I’ve read is that they are operating in the reactionary portion of the brain, it has overpowered and shut down all reasoning. I understand the why of it, but can’t and won’t deal with the possibility that in this state, he may seriously harm himself or any one of us.. I think she meant to hit him. Her eyes had gone black.. hard to explain.
I don’t know Busy, I would like to think that with the right therapy and care, my grandson could rise above. It’s so hard factoring in his awful past, being 15, using pot daily, hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was pretty lost at 15. Not violent, but searching for answers in all the wrong places. He has a chance to change. I hope he wants better for himself.I believe some kids are so damaged, entrenched in anger and hate, that they have no desire to do better. They are punishing us, themselves, the world. Maybe some can't do better as early trauma can change the brain. Who knows? Nobody. I often wonder how much is brain damage from trauma/mental illness.
At this time, he is dangerous. To himself and others. I can’t have that in my home.You have yourself, a widow alone, and two other kids to keep safe. It is a shame that it came to this, but he is dangerous.
Thank you RN. It is a horrible decision to have to make, but his behaviors are what drove it.Nope. Some people insist on learning things the hard way.
You did the right thing and it doesn't mean that you don't love him.
It is terrifying. My son is very mellow. The most I have seen from him is a bad mood, and he would retreat to his room, then apologize for being a jerk the next day. He spoiled me! I don’t even watch violent shows, never had the taste for them.My son raged. I was never afraid of violence toward myself, but watching him slam his fists into doors and walls until they bled, hearing him scream and just be so out of control - it was terrifying.
Thank you Lil. I had to choose peace in my home for my sake and also for my two grands. How can they heal being in constant fear of the next episode? He groomed them as victims and was trying to do the same with me.I hope he learns and grows and makes choices that enable him to come into a peaceful loving home again. But if he does not, do not blame yourself. You tried.
I have not seen her Lil. She called wanting to use a chainsaw. I didn’t have one and that is the last I heard from her. Hopefully no news is good news?On a different subject, have you seen Rain? I keep thinking about her leg and your description and hoping she is, physically, better now.
Correct. He is aping the male figures in his life.This is a child. All he knows is what he's lived. Children don't have any other choice but to build their own humanity based upon what they experience, what they see, modeled by the adults upon whom they depend. His own personhood he has not yet discovered. He is aping his father, his uncles, his grandfathers.
I am hoping it will be a turning point. It took a long time to learn these behaviors and will take a lot of effort to learn differently.What you've given him New Leaf for the first time in his life, is a choice point, to become himself. What he is displaying now is behaviors, not essence. It's no more than monkey see, monkey do. But he needs to know deeply and surely that it's not acceptable. He did not pay attention in your house. Because he's internalized a system of values of brute power and violence. And it's this value system that has betrayed him. He now has the opportunity to begin to learn another value system, and the behavior that goes with it.
I hope so too, but truthfully, I am leery. He is smart and knows how to “work” people for his benefit.I hope there is the possibility of some kind of family therapy with you and him together.
There is a lot of research about brain development and theories on behaviors stemming from trauma and attachment issues even from within the womb. I am trying to learn as much as I can because it helps me process the grief of it all.Is that two months in an orphanage worse than Dave's 12 years of torture?
It is what it is. I can learn as much as humanly possible but that does not take away from the behaviors occurring in my home. I am trying to find ways to deal with the culmination of neglect and abandonment. This is not a normal situation by any means.NOBODY KNOWS! It doesn't matter anymore. It just is.
They each have their own way of processing and acting out. I feel that I am facing these extreme behaviors because therapy is peeling back layers of buried experiences. They are not held back with fear that they will be punished by uncles or grandparents. They have to learn whole new ways to express themselves. If they are flashing back to trauma experienced at two or three years old, that is how they present, as toddlers. It is very, very complicated, yet in a way simple? That they would reenact the terror with the mindset of the little child that witnessed it? Regression and aggression, fright, fight or flight. All of my grandchildren are filled with so much hurt and pain. It is frustrating. I can’t turn back the clock and fix it, but I can try to get them the help they need to process it and learn that there is a better life for them.Leafy, I hope the other two kids are not like your oldest grandson. It does not have to be. Kids do not necessarily copy what they see and I will pray that the two younger ones heal and do well.
Oh Busy, thank you so much, I am not that wonderful! There are days when I am lamenting my chance to just be a cookie making grandma. But, I feel this is life choosing me for this responsibility. If I lived close to my Mom, I would take care of her. Who knows why we end up where we are? What does God want me to learn this time?You are an inspiring and wonderful lady and I admire you. I hope you appreciate your courage and goodness and I hope you see these admirable traits in yourself as well. God bless you. Thanks for being an inspiration.
Thank you MissLulu. I miss my grandson, but not his behaviors. He was out of control and spinning down the rabbit hole rapidly. Full of himself, behaving like a tyrant. Can’t have that.I am so sorry for what you are going through with your grandson. I can only imagine how hard this must be after all you have already been through. For what it's worth, I think you absolutely made the right decision.
The chaos may have felt comfortable to him, that is all he knew. My younger grandson mused that they all wanted a better life than what they were living and his brothers version of that was to be able to do whatever he wanted. Not go to counseling and deal with issues. While younger grand misses his brother, I think he does know that it was a safety issue. It was not a good situation for the other two. They were being lorded over by their brother.You have certainly done enough to give your grands a better chance. I believe you are right to remove the grand that is keeping your home in chaos. It's not good for the other two, either.
Thank you Blindsided. All that you wrote of is true. But, these behaviors are a manifestation of what he grew up with. Not to excuse the behaviors, but to understand as Copa said a child mimics what is displayed to them. It will take a lot of therapy to unravel the tapestry of it. Then they all shall have to choose their paths.Suffice it to say, your Difficult Child grand is very manipulative. When he threatens you and others, it suggests he lacks empathy or the ability to have gratitude for the things you do provide. This is the only way I see you protecting your other grands and yourself.
I do too, Blindsided. I have read that these kids feel deep shame for their behaviors. It is a maelstrom of emotion going on inside a traumatized child. I have read up on CPTSD, the c meaning chronic. Long lasting unrelenting trauma and the effects on a developing brain, the constant release of stress hormones, etc. It is eye opening.I pray he gets to the right person to give him the mental health help he obviously needs, including behavioural therapy.
Thank you JayPee. I see my younger grands going through the emotional roller coaster of missing brother, relief that our home is more peaceful, guilt that they feel that way. It will be a task to process it all. These kids have lived a lifetime of extremes. It will be a long road to recovery. All I can offer them is love, hopefully stability and help. I have to hope that my eldest grandson will eventually understand why he had to leave our home. I have to give him over to God and hope and pray he will choose a better path.I hope you are able to gain some healing, respect and peace with two grandkids at home with you. Place your older grandson in God’s care asking him to put the right people in his life to guide him on the right path.
Thank you all for your comfort and guidance