The last straw

[Calista]

Could it be that she has split you two intentionally? If he is constantly coming to her rescue and siding with her you can bet she knows it. Any child in that situation will take advantage of it, intentionally or not. husband is obviously not capable of seeing what is actually going on here. He is clearly not willing to get her the help she needs and deserves. Maybe the right choice, after things have calmed down, is for husband to go and for you to keep the two kids, without fostering for a while. I was a foster home developer for many years and one of the things I always told potential foster parents at the end of a recruiting meeting was, "I have kids so I work in a foster care/adoption agency. That is my way of being involved with kids in need. I've seen to much to ever bring foster children in to my home. I will not sacrifice my own children and family for someone else's. When you leave here tonight I want you to go home and spend time with YOUR kids and pray about this. Think about it, talk about it, make sure. Then if you are still interested call me and we'll start your certification process." I would also hand out pamphlets from other volunteer organizations so that they would have other options to "be involved." Many of them called back and some did not. Right now your focus needs to be on YOU and on YOUR 2 children.

My prayers are with you. Take care of YOU.

 

[Shari]

No additional advice or thoughts, just sending many hugs.

 

['Chelle]

I'm so sorry that things have gone so far. I'm sure there are many things happening and being said that we don't know about, so only you can decide what's right for you and Jayme and Aly. I know that you've worked hard with Aly and done everything possible to get her the help she needs. With the violence, I don't see much else you could have done than leave to keep you and Jayme safe. Sorry your husband can't see that by going to Aly and comforting her and not addressing the situation just sends her mixed messages that the violence is ok to him. Don't make any "permanent" decisions in the heat of the moment, take time to really think about what you want to happen for the future and work towards that.

{{{HUGS}}} hope your broken arm and heart will be better soon

 

[PersonalEnigma]

(((HUGS))) I can't imagine what it must be like to have Aly blow up at you enough to break your arm Take care of yourself and your own. There's not a lot you can do about Aly until husband acknolewdges (spelled wrong I know...) Aly's issues.

 

[timer lady]

Vickie - sorry that things escalated to that level.

I was also thinking a bit like Calista. You know our "little wonders" are pros at triangulation & somehow, someway, it's going to be someone else's fault. They are just the poor misunderstood orphan.

And you know I don't say this lightly.l We've been through too much together with our individual adopted children to know I wouldn't bring it up if it weren't a concern.

However, I'm not walking in your shoes - I don't know where your marriage is. I don't know if your husband is using Aly to not face up to issues between you & him. AND if that is the case Aly has done her job well.

She isn't an evil shild - she is a child fighting to survive. As are you, Jayme, your husband - your entire family. It seems the only one not greatly impacted by Aly's actions last night is Aly. I would bet she's sitting back & watching the chaos she created.

Think on it, sweetie. I've seen it happen here. I know it happens elsewhere.

 

[dreamer]

I am not all so sure Aly would be sitting back and "watching the chaos she created" exactly nor that she is not so greatly affected.
Nor am I so sure she intentionally became violent etc. Even a neurotypical child could become overstressed, overwhelmed and unable to control an outburst at that time.
I am not saying accept the violence, but, accept it as a sign things might be out of control in the entire situation here? Maybe haveing more fosters ("outnumbering her" so to speak) might keep her overstimulated.

While her age might be one number, it may have been too much for her, especially after a difficult school day- to be left to "play nicely" with kids she may see as some sort of "competition" given all her diagnosis'es and issues. Similar to how we would not leave a toddler alone to "play nice" with an infant? Or how sometimes we ourself sometimes become overwhelmed and feel a need for respite or outside help dealing with our own day to day life and responsibilities? Maybe the current foster kids are great kids, but, ALy does have, I am sure, memories of the other foster- the little boy.....and maybe she is living with a constant undercurrent of fear? And maybe it finally got the best of her?
I fear she may be looking at this whole thing right now as you chooseing to "side" with foster children instead of her, your child?

Have you spoken with husband today? Has he explained why he did not take Aly to crisis unit? Has your experiences been that that is ever helpful? (seems for some families a crisis unit or a crisis intervention does help, and in others experiences it does not help at all?) If your experience has been it is not helpful then is that why he did not take her there last nite? Was he afraid it might just escalate things worse with no benefit?

Seems there is no "easy" answer......but it does sound like Aly is in need and this is a sign of that need.
I am hoping you can have some rest today away from her......maybe regroup etc?

 

[Star*]

Vickie,

If I had a clue what went through difficult child kids' minds - I'd be a rich woman
If i had a clue what went through men's minds - I'd be a bazillionaire 10x

Nothing you've done is written in stone
Nothing you've said can't be taken back or given again
Nothing you said DOESN'T make sense


I think you have gone above and beyond what any parent could/would/should do for any child. At some point I think we just have to admit that maybe we aren't the person that is supposed to raise them until they are full grown. No one deserves to live with a child that breaks bones, because if she's still that violent after all you've done for her she needs a level of care that you can't provide.

Keeping her at your home only prolongs her not getting the structure she is going to need if she is to survive. If she could help how she is it still wouldn't be a different story. I'm sorry for you all.

Hugs
Star

 

[susiestar]

Vickie,

Just checking in on you today. Hope the docs gave you good medications to help with the pain and that you are taking them.

Hugs, honey. I know how much it hurts to have your child attack you.

Susie