They took him!

[Abbey]

My gosh...at 24, it IS time for him to step up. The only way you learn how to get out of a hole you've dug is to start digging. Let him talk to the PO. Not your job anymore.

It's hard to sit back and watch the drama, but if you continue to 'help' him, his problems will most likely continue. We got to the point to where we moved, would not accept prison calls...yadda, yadda. But, I *think* after all these years he might be getting the message. Still...walls are up and we guard our emotions.

Abbey

 

[DammitJanet]

I hope when you say you are angry that you are not angry with the other boy or his mom.

There was a time when Cory was running with this 17 year old difficult child and I was in contact with his mom trying to help her locate her son while I was attempting to get Cory picked up by the cops. This was probably before you joined this board. Now granted that boy wasnt supplying my son with prescription drugs out of this poor womans house...


But speaking of that...how dare her son...and how dare YOUR son take the medications from her 15 year old son knowing that these were prescription medications that were obviously prescribed for someone in that house who needed them!

I had my medications stolen from me before and it is an awful violation that cannot be expressed. You cant get them replaced because the doctors and pharmacies think you are abusing them yourself. What a crock!

 

[Kathy813]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am going to call the probation officer </div></div>

Why? You were not the one contributing to the deliquency of a minor. Let him deal with this and suffer the consequences of his actions. He will never learn if you keep fixing things for him.

~Kathy

 

[standswithcourage]

Ok I guess I just feel desparate - what he should feel. I feel all the feelings of anxiousness. Last night he told the cops he was scared. I felt those feelings for him but did not take up for him because I knkew he was wrong and guilty. I had told him it was just a matter of time if he kept hanging around with this kid. He didnt listen. He kinda blames it on me - always. I just told the cops that they had been hanging out for months and I always suspected drugs. I guess I just want someone to see that he needs help - just to help me feel like he is getting help instead of being sent to prison. Who knows?

 

[witzend]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I am angry - I told him he would be the one to get in trouble even though the other kid was a willing participant and had provided my son with drugs out of their medicine cabinet many times - also pot. </div></div>

I find this position offensive. Let's change the issue of drugs to sex. Who deserves to get in trouble when a 15 year old girl (or boy) has a consentual sexual relationship with a 24 year old man (or woman)? The fact of the matter is <span style='font-size: 14pt'>Your son a 24 year old man!</span> There is not and never will be any excuse for him participating in illicit and illegal conduct with a 15 year old boy. Your son is the adult, at the very least he is supposed to walk away. A real man would straighten that boy up and protect him. His behavior in this is disgusting, and your viewpoint of his role in this is disturbing to say the least.

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I am going to call the probation officer</div></div>

Why?

I'm sorry. You just don't get it, do you?

 

[Kathy813]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body">even though the other kid </div></div>

I just reread this and realized what was bothering me about it.

There is no "other" kid here. There was one man and one kid. Period. And no 24 year old should be "hanging" around a 15 year old. I don't understand why the other mother even allowed it but that is beside the point here.

Stop making excuses for your adult son. I know that you are hurting but take a moment to think about the real victim here.

~Kathy

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Yep. I have to agree with Witz and Kathy here.

If you do ANYTHING, you are enabling him. He is a grown man and can contact his own PO. If he does not, and ends up looking like he is just in prison instead of needing help, tough beans. HIS PROBLEM, NOT YOURS.

LET IT GO. Pretend he is not there. Do not answer his calls. For Pete's sake, take a vacation with husband, at least at this point you know that your house won't be broken into while you are gone.

If you have to be involved in his affairs at all, go over to the 15 year old's house, and see what you can do to help that kid and his mother.

Stop making excuses for him. Stop coddling him. Stop babying him.

 

[jamrobmic]

I haven't had to deal with addiction with my son (knock on wood, because I don't think any of us can say it would never happen to us or someone we love), but I have dealt with my son being locked up. I don't think anyone can really understand the feelings involved until they go through it. Yes, you know they did it to themselves, but it still feels like a part of you is locked up with them. It's normal to hurt for your son, to want something better for him than the life he was living, but it doesn't sound like there was any other way your son was going to stop what he was doing. Hang onto that hope-that this is a chance for him to make the changes he needs to make. I hope he gets the help he needs.

 

[DammitJanet]

See...I agree with Witz and Kathy here. When I was attempting to get Cory picked up and this other 17 year old boy was hanging out with him who was a runaway...I was trying to help his mom find him too...and I was mad at Cory for hanging out with this boy! Cory was 20 then so there was even less difference in age than what you are talking about. There is no reason for a 24 year old to hang out with a 15 year old unless they are related or grew up together.

 

[Wombatina]

Dear Stands,

When your difficult child calls and tells you how scared he is, I'm sorry, but he's playing you like a cheap fiddle. You know what he's scared of? The party ending.

The thing that has the body of your son and speaks to you with the voice of your son is not your son, it's the drugs. It's like one of those science fiction movies about pod people, he's not in there. A hostile alien is making him do the terrible crimes and lies and manipulations, and you don't have to answer that monster or love it or do anything with it, because it's not your son. Maybe he's still in there, way in the back somewhere, or maybe he's gone. We have no way of knowing. Maybe he can find the strength to come back some day, or maybe this is it. Only time can tell. Everybody did their best. If anyone on the street, any of your neighbors or friends or relatives asks about him, you hold your head high and tell them you did your best and if they can't deal with that, if they think they have the right to judge you, then they're not worthy of being with you.

From now on, this is your mantra: you are a good parent. You are a good, wonderful, loving mother. You did your job as well as you possibly could. Do not believe the lie that there is something more you need to do for your son, because that time is over. His failures are HIS, not yours. We all try our best and sometimes our efforts make no difference and it wasn't our fault because it wasn't GIVEN to us that this person, with their own separate mind and thoughts and will, would come out okay. We never know. It's not entirely up to us, just as we might get a disease or be in an accident and that wouldn't be our fault either. Sometimes we receive sad, hard luck. That is why you get to stop trying to fix the unfixable now. You get to have a long, long rest. Have a good cry and hug your PCs and your husband and your new sister in law tightly, because thank g-d, or whoever/whatever your higher power is, that at least they're well. They are your gifts.

Collect your diploma. This phase of your life is now over. Believe it or not, you graduated. It's time for the next thing and trust me, it'll be a lot better than this last one because this terrible weight has been taken from you.

Much love and prayers and everything positive I can possibly send to you,

Wombatina

 

[DazedandConfused]

I'm going to second Kathy and the others.

He's 24. An adult. The other person was a kid, 15. Let me tell you, if an adult was hanging around one of my kids giving drugs....well, we're talking angry mobs and fire torches.

I know when you think of him you still see the baby you gave birth to and the child you raised. But, he's not that anymore. He's grown now. Inspite of everything you did, he is the way he is. Back away and allow him to feel the full brunt of his actions.

(((hugs)))

 

[goldenguru]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Quote:</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I guess I just want someone to see that he needs help</div></div>

Telling the probation officer he needs help is sort of moot - I'm sure he knows it. Guess who needs to understand the need for help? YOUR SON. Perhaps this time in jail will help him to finally hear the message loud and clear.

I'm sorry for your pain stands. I really am. But, I second the others who wisely point out that your adult son contributed to the delinquency of a minor. Imagine if an adult man was supplying your easy child son with drugs. You'd see red.

This is where you need to really begin to understand detachment. Use the serenity prayer. You are powerless over your son's addiction.

But, you are not powerless over YOUR life.

It is time to spend some energy on husband, easy child and your daughter/son in law. It is time to spend some emotional energy on strengthening yourself.

 

[BusynMember]

All I can say is, a twenty-four year old should NOT be anywhere near a minor child, and I don't care if the fifteen year old gave him the drugs--he had no business messing with a young teen. He may think your son is older and really cool. A thirty year old once supplied my fifteen year old daughter with drugs--she didn't need the help getting into trouble, was doing fine on her own--and he got into considerable trouble for giving drugs to a minor. I know that this didn't happen to your son, but in my opinion he needs to go somewhere, even jail, to clear his head and get clean before he makes things even worse for himself (and possibly others). My daughter was almost nineteen when we made her leave the house because of her drug abuse. I thought she'd end up behind bars, but she cleaned up. Now, instead of drugs, she's into health food and exercise. Keep your chin up. It can happen to anyone if it happened to her. Now your son has a chance to think about his life and if this is what he wants it to be.

 

[flutterbee]

I find it very offensive, too. Your son is a 24 year old MAN and you're angry at a 15 year old CHILD?!!

This goes way beyond enabling. You've turned your son into the victim when in reality he is the perpetrator. I don't care if the 15 year old supplied drugs to your son. Your son is the ADULT in the scenario.

Until he takes responsibility for his actions, I wouldn't lift a finger for him.

 

[ScentofCedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I am so sorry about all of this so much. I feel so tired. </div></div>

It helped me to label those feelings the enemy, Stands. They are counterproductive. Develop a mantra, write a gratitude journal ~ whatever you need to do to break those feelings, do it. Those are the feelings that sap our energy to no avail.

There is nothing you can do to help your son, now.

Destroying yourself is not going to make a difference for him.

You told him not to do these things. You could not be there with him every second to keep him from walking the path he was determined to walk.

It is one thing togrieve what has happened to our children, and quite another to let the addiction destroy us and our remaining families, too.

Don't let the addiction win, Stands.

Fight those feelings.

You can, you know.

I did it.

But I was seriously depressed and totally wrapped up in how I might change things, where I had gone wrong in creating the situation ~ anything, Stands. I would have done anything to have helped my son not be where he was.

But that's the horrible thing.

Nothing I can do will make a difference.

Addicition is a horrible thing.

I'm sorry this is all happening, Stands. I loved Golden Guru's idea of composing a loving, instructive letter for your son.

I did that so many times too, Stands.

Whether you mail it or not, writing the letter will ease the pain
and clarify your feelings.

Barbara

 

[ScentofCedar]

<div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Wombatina</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Dear Stands,

When your difficult child calls and tells you how scared he is, I'm sorry, but he's playing you like a cheap fiddle. You know what he's scared of? The party ending.

The thing that has the body of your son and speaks to you with the voice of your son is not your son, it's the drugs. It's like one of those science fiction movies about pod people, he's not in there. A hostile alien is making him do the terrible crimes and lies and manipulations, and you don't have to answer that monster or love it or do anything with it, because it's not your son. Maybe he's still in there, way in the back somewhere, or maybe he's gone. We have no way of knowing. Maybe he can find the strength to come back some day, or maybe this is it. Only time can tell. Everybody did their best. If anyone on the street, any of your neighbors or friends or relatives asks about him, you hold your head high and tell them you did your best and if they can't deal with that, if they think they have the right to judge you, then they're not worthy of being with you.

From now on, this is your mantra: you are a good parent. You are a good, wonderful, loving mother. You did your job as well as you possibly could. Do not believe the lie that there is something more you need to do for your son, because that time is over. His failures are HIS, not yours. We all try our best and sometimes our efforts make no difference and it wasn't our fault because it wasn't GIVEN to us that this person, with their own separate mind and thoughts and will, would come out okay. We never know. It's not entirely up to us, just as we might get a disease or be in an accident and that wouldn't be our fault either. Sometimes we receive sad, hard luck. That is why you get to stop trying to fix the unfixable now. You get to have a long, long rest. Have a good cry and hug your PCs and your husband and your new sister in law tightly, because thank g-d, or whoever/whatever your higher power is, that at least they're well. They are your gifts.

Collect your diploma. This phase of your life is now over. Believe it or not, you graduated. It's time for the next thing and trust me, it'll be a lot better than this last one because this terrible weight has been taken from you.

Much love and prayers and everything positive I can possibly send to you,

Wombatina
</div></div>

Wow.

I loved this post so much I am quoting it in its entirety.

Welcome, wombatina.

I love the name, too.

Barbara

 

[busywend]

Stands, how are you today?

I want you to know that nobody minimizes the pain you feel. You have a right to that pain. It hurts to know your child has such a difficult life.

The point we are trying to get you to see is that you have to stop doing things for him. Period. He has to take this on if he is ever to get better. If he is ever to get clean, it has to be HIM that does it.
By doing things for him, you are not helping him. It may have been necessary at 16, but not at 24.

So, we know your pain is real and justified, but you must channel it in another way.

HUGS!

 

[DammitJanet]

Oh yes...I understand your pain...completely.

When I had Corys bail revoked last time I couldnt even sleep in my own house for two nights. I took the baby and stayed in a motel and cried.

I do know the pain.

 

[CrazyinVA]

I haven't had a child in jail (knock on wood), but both of mine have been taken away by police and admitted to psch units, unwillingly. My Oldest was escorted out of my house by police when I finally got the guts to kick her out, at 19. Not exactly the same thing.. but .. I wanted to say that I remember feeling so relieved when they were gone, yet then struggling (in the beginning) with guilt for feeling that way. It struck me that you might be feeling some guilt as well, so I wanted to say.. don't.

Take this time for YOU. I can't emphasize that enough. Regroup, revitalize, go to an al-anon meeting every day if you need to. Let go of your son. It's you that needs healing now, more than ever.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Welcome, Wombatina. You have a fine way with words.

Susan, as busywend mentioned, nobody is minimizing your pain. we are all validating it. But we are trying to show you how to detach, and more importantly, WHY it so important that you do so.

Here is another way of looking at it. You are in pain now, mental anguish over what your son has done. Detaching, while it is not easy, is the road to LESS pain over what he does.

You are on a merry go round that never stops. It goes around and around and around. Your son is running it. That symbolically is his drug use, his sense of entitlement, his theft, his in and out of jail, everything that stems from his addiction is that merry go round. YOU chose to get on the merry go round. And you are on it, yelling at him to stop, stop, stop. He does not want to stop. You come here, telling us that you are on this merry go round, and it hurts. What you are looking for is an answer as to how to make him stop.

THERE. IS. NO. ANSWER. YOU. CANNOT. MAKE. HIM. STOP.

You have to jump off the merry go round. Your pain will eventually stop because YOU ARE NO LONGER ON IT. Yo have to let him decide FOR HIMSELF if he chooses to keep the merry go round going or if he chooses to stop it. HE WILL NEVER STOP IT as long as you are on it with him. YOU HAVE GOT TO LEAVE HIM ALONE. That is symbolic for he will never get help for his addiction as long as you enable him. Calling his PO is enabling him. Being mad at the 15 yr old is enabling him. Taking him to the ER, or the dentist, or for oral surgery, or to the pharmacy for pain pills is enabling him. Taking collect calls from jail to listen to him tell you that it is your fault that he is there is enabling him.

HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.
HE WILL NOT GET HELP UNTIL YOU STOP ENABLING HIM.

Instead of enabling him, go ahead and grieve. Like I said (and like busywend said), your feelings are valid. But don't let him suc.k you in. Addicts are masters at that.

I know. I was one.

Hugs.