They took him!

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by standswithcourage, Oct 16, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Susan I agree with witz , kathy and bbk.

    Your son hasn't acted like an adult, yet he is 24 yrs old. The victim of this crime is the minor.

    I had a mom of a 15 yr old come to my house looking for her son. My heart broke for her because her 15 yr old was with my 18 yr old son and another 18 yr old difficult child. I told her the truth, I apologized to her and warned her to make my son off limits to hers.

    Yes, it hurt to say those things about my son, but he was older and in my eyes had no business involving a 15 yr old in what he was doing.

    Your son is 24, regardless of what the 15 yr old did, your son is the adult.

    Susan I hope this is a wake call for you, you are not responsible for what your adult son does. He needs to be treated as an adult and suffer the consequences, if not now..when????

  2. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You've received some very good advice in this thread. Honestly, the ball is in YOUR court right now. We all know the difficulty of pulling away and letting them sink or swim...believe me, we've all been there done that. If it is so difficult to let him go, I suggest taking a trip somewhere for a week or two leaving no message as to where you are. Do something nice for yourself and let him work out his own stuff.

    Some of the responses may seem a bit harsh, but it's because we've seen this scenario over and over again. One may be a bit more understanding if it was a 16 year old, but not a 24 year old.

    Like I said before - if and when you decide to stop enabling him, it will most likely get worse before it gets better. I'm guessing he's a master at guilt trips.

    <span style="color: #FF0000"><span style='font-size: 20pt'>DO NOT GIVE IN.</span></span>

    If you do, you'll continue to live in the personal heck you are right now and he'll keep doing what he's doing.

    Hugs to you and I hope you stay strong.

  3. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: Dammit Janet</div><div class="ubbcode-body">Oh yes...I understand your pain...completely.

    When I had Corys bail revoked last time I couldnt even sleep in my own house for two nights. I took the baby and stayed in a motel and cried.

    I do know the pain. </div></div>

    I know the pain too. I also am far enough away from it to know that it was me who caused that pain by projecting my life onto M's. When I owned my part in causing me pain, it was easier to make it go away.

    Stands, if you worry and fret and regret and are sad, at this point ia lot of that's on you. Because 1) it doesn't bother your son, so it's a wasted emotion; and 2) your relationship with that grown man is entirely inappropriate.
  4. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    Thanks so much Wombatina! That made me feel the best. I agree with all the others too - I just know it is so hard to grieve and to see someone going down the tubes. I only hope this is another open door he can go through. I wonder if he is mentally incompetent? I have never thought of that only that he is addicted to drugs? I havent talked to him or anything. I cant because we have cell phones. Iknow he is probably suffering coming off the drugs. It is more p eaceful here at home. My easy child had his friends over tonight. I love it when he is happy and we dont have to worry. It is like a weight is lifted off. It is just so sad that my other son cannot be a part of our family. I really miss the son he was.
  5. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    OK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for all the advice. I will follow it and let you know how I do. I really appreciate everyone being here for me. Even if it is harsh I still need it. It is so hard to see it go on. I did call the 15 year old mother and told her I did not blame her for turning them all in. I told her my son had no busiiness hanging around her son. I had told him that many times and tried to keep her son away from my son by telling him to leave my property and dont come back. It didnt work. I knew it was a matter of time. Then they started going somewhere off mhy property and I didnt know where it was - that is where they would smoke and drug I guess. Yes - i would be livid if my son were the 15 year old but he has been before. He has been that child that hung around older kids that did drugs - he was also that kid that hung around kids doing drugs and he got used to it - I hate that. I am learning to let go. I didnt call his PO. I just feel exhausted. The wedding was beautiful but stressful - then the next day this!! We do need a vacation - we just cant afford it!
  6. Mildred

    Mildred New Member

    We haven't had this issue, Susan, but I can only imagine how much pain you must be in. Just wanted to let you know my heart is hurting with yours.
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Susan ~ thinking of you and sending cyber (((hugs!!)))

    You experienced and good evening watching your easy child have fun with his friends over~ that is how it is supposed to be now.

    Embrace easy child, this is more than likely the first time he hasn't been stressed by difficult child and his antics.

    He was comfortable enough at home to invite friends over. It took a while for my easy child to trust that difficult child wouldn't show up at home with some crazy actions when she had friends over.

    An addict can't appreciate the time with family, the only concern for them is the next high.

    If he wasn't in jail, you and your family would not have been able to enjoy your time together. You wouldn't have been in the right frame of mind and neither would easy child.

    Rest. Enjoy your family. Your daughter wasn't there to experience the time together, yet you didn't mention her missing out on it.
    so put difficult child on the same page ~ he is busy getting a wake up call that he needs to survive, she is busy setting up her own household.

    It is time for YOU, husband and easy child


  8. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body"> I did call the 15 year old mother and told her I did not blame her for turning them all in. I told her my son had no busiiness hanging around her son. I had told him that many times and tried to keep her son away from my son by telling him to leave my property and dont come back. </div></div>

    Do you see anything wrong with the above statements?

    You should (1) be apologizing to that mother that your son was involved with her son at all and (2) praising her to high heavens for having the courage to admit her son was using drugs and trying to do something about it.

    Why were you telling a 15 YO to stay off of your property rather than flat out telling your 24 YO son to stay away from a minor? Why didn't you call the boy's mother the first time you saw them hanging out together and warn her that your son had a drug problem and she needed to move heaven and earth to keep the two apart?

    Do you truly not see that you make as many excuses for your son as your son does for using drugs? It needs to stop. You need to make your son 100% responsible for his behavior. Not thinking he is mentally incompetent -- of course he is: HE'S A JUNKIE!!!! Not blaming others for his use. Of course it's possible older kids got him started but at some point he began making the choice that using drugs was better than being straight!

    The reality is your son had choices: use or not use. You had choices: support his usage or bring the wrath of God (or mom) down on him. He chose to use. You chose to support his addiction. Please stop making excuses for him. Please make him take care of this problem by himself. Let him learn how to be a man. That is your job as a mother -- not protect him from life and its consequences for the rest of his life but how to stand on his own two feet and make his own decisions. It's not easy but it can be done.

    Write him a letter explaining you love him but it is time for him to handle his problems himself. Tell him that if you can, you will give him advice but nothing more than that. No money, no making calls for him, fighting the penal system to get him into programs, etc. He needs to deal with it all. He is 24 and is at least of average intelligence. He can do this if he has to.
  9. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen

    You know...oddly enough, we got the best change from J (as small as it is) when we started to refuse any phone conversations. We sent him prestamped letters (have to do that in prison) and said if it was important for him to have a conversation with us...write a letter. He did write a few, but 'kids' these days HATE to write. It forced him to sit down and actually think about what he was thinking.

    We eventually stopped paying for the letters as he was working in prison. Yes...he only got about $10/week, but HE had to make the choice of what was a better way of spending his money. He could either buy cigarettes, or he could buy a stamp. No longer our choice.

    He was SOOOO angry when we cut off the 800 number for the prison system. Well, he got over it. :wink:

    Tough love is tough love. Don't get sucked into the drama.

  10. ForeverSpring

    ForeverSpring Well-Known Member

    I think my daughter would be dead if we hadn't used tough love. Yes, I cried for three weeks after we threw her out and she said, "I'll &^*( hate you forever!" She doesn't hate us. We're very close. She turned her life around. She may not have if we'd babied her. We'd tried that and it was disastrous. I have called the police on my own daughter. When I found out the 30 year old was giving her drugs, I had to turn HER in to turn HIM in and she begged on the floor before my feet not to do it. How hard was THAT? I did it because I wanted her to stop and wanted to get HIM off the streets. Was it easy? NO! Am I sorry? NO! I have a healthy, happy, functional, drug-free 23 year old. 24 is getting up there. Make your move now and detach from his madness or he may be that way forever. He could even die.
  11. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    Just a reminder...

    I am a product of tough love. VERY tough love.

    Mom took my older daughter from me, tossed me out on my behind, and told me not to come back until and unless I was clean.

    My kid could have DIED for how stupid I was.

    My mom rocks.
  12. Abbey

    Abbey Spork Queen


    What a good testament to how hard this road is. Kudos to your mom and to you for finding your way.

    It would be nice some day for you to share your story if you feel comfortable. It might ease a lot of pain for those of us that are making these incredible hard decisions.

  13. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    BBK -

    You rock, too.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    stands, more hugs as I know you are doing the best anyone could in this very hard situation.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I guess every time I would tell my difficult child I was going to call the 15 year olds mother and tell her what was going on my difficult child would say not too that I was making a mountain out of a mole hill. Sometimes I didnt know if to believe him or not. I told my difficult child to stop hanging around with the minor. I told him many times and that if anything ever happened they would come tohim first. I did tell the mother that she was courageous and thanks. I have been courageous also - maybe not as much as she was this time but I have. I didnt take up for my son and say he was innocent. I just wonder what will happen now. But more than that I am anxious to see my daughter.
  16. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: standswithcourage</div><div class="ubbcode-body">I need to put my difficult child is Gods arms too. I need not to take it back and try to fix things. When the answer doesnt come fast enough we want to fix it. It seems that anything I do at this point would not be good.</div></div>

    Those are the words of a true wise warrior mom.

    Now, don't just say them. DO them. Let go and let God. He's been a parent for a long loooooong time. I think he knows what he is doing. :wink: Let him drive the bus for awhile.

    You mentioned not being able to afford a vacation. Well, take a mental vacation. Go to the library, and choose a great book to just engross yourself in. Join a cookie exchange. Go through some magazines and find a great new recipe to find for Thanksgiving. Heck, join a yoga class or something.

    Give yourself permission to do something that improves your well being without feeling guilty for it. You deserve it. As Wombatina said, you graduated. Go take care of Susan.
  17. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    And you are right. I talked to my 80 year old daddy tonight (bless his heart). He loved my difficult child soooooooo much and still does but he is a great granddaddy to him. He told me tonight to take care of myself - to do what I could for me - that I didnt need to do anything for anyone anymore - I had done it already - I didnt tell him where my difficult child was - it would break his heart again. His advice was good and at the right time.
  18. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    I'm comming in late here but I want you to know that I also "know" your pain. My difficult child just got out of prison. He has been gone almost 2 years. I was in a panic when he first went in because he is not of normal inteligence and he was very depressed at the time but he did remain safe while in there and even though he didn't get the MH care he needed he wasn't living on the streets or drugging up. And I got a chance to rest and restore. My advice to you is just let it beAND let him be. Take care of yourself and forget what other's might be thinking. Until they have walked in your shoes they have no right to critize. -RM
  19. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    I feel like I have done everything humanly possible to help. It is so hard not to try. I dont know if he will ever be sober or "normal" again. It is a scary thought. I feel like if he had a sore throat and got medicine for it he would get better but this is different. If he gets better, who knows how he will be then. I am so sorry he is an addict but being sorry for him and trying to make it easier is like adding fuel to the fire. I have to stop running after him and treating him like he cannot do it for himself. Finally I might see what I have been needing to do! I feel like his life is in the balance now.
  20. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Stands, you've done your job. His life may be in the balance, but it is HIS life. He needs to make the choices at this point. If he doesn't make the effort, there really is nothing you can do. You can (and should) love him, but he needs to decide that drugs are not the life he wants. You cannot do this for him. Until he decides that, the best you can do is stand back.

    Focus on your son at home. The best times of high school are coming up for him -- senior prom, graduation, college choices if he's so inclined, just generally looking towards his future.

    Your daughter is a new bride. She's going to need your advice and help.

    You're almost an empty nester. It is time to start cementing your relationship with your husband so that you two can plan the fun things to do together.

    It is also time for you to do for YOU.