THIS Lie is HUGE....
- Thread starter Star*
- Start date
MrsMcNear46
New Member
Star-
Much love coming your way. I don't have any contact with ex anymore. No need for him. Everytime I am around him, he only reminds me why I left him. UGH!
For years, I heard how I was the cause of the divorce, how I single handily ruined their lives. Sweet Bets threw that card out a zillion times. Now that they are older, they understand completely who he really is and why I really left.
To this day, he still disappoints them. Over and over. But they continue to forgive him, to seek his acceptance, to feel his love. Sometimes, they get it, but they are oh so aware if they do something he doesn't agree with or if they don't do exactly what he wants, he does not hesitate to tell them to "Get the heck out of his house." Yet, they give it time and always go back. I just stay out of it.
I'm afraid Dude may have to get tired of it or not, all on his own. He may someday accept Bio for who he really is and walk away. But he may do what my girls do and keep coming back for more. Only time will tell.
I'll keep you guys in my prayers. (((HUGS))))
Julie
Much love coming your way. I don't have any contact with ex anymore. No need for him. Everytime I am around him, he only reminds me why I left him. UGH!
For years, I heard how I was the cause of the divorce, how I single handily ruined their lives. Sweet Bets threw that card out a zillion times. Now that they are older, they understand completely who he really is and why I really left.
To this day, he still disappoints them. Over and over. But they continue to forgive him, to seek his acceptance, to feel his love. Sometimes, they get it, but they are oh so aware if they do something he doesn't agree with or if they don't do exactly what he wants, he does not hesitate to tell them to "Get the heck out of his house." Yet, they give it time and always go back. I just stay out of it.
I'm afraid Dude may have to get tired of it or not, all on his own. He may someday accept Bio for who he really is and walk away. But he may do what my girls do and keep coming back for more. Only time will tell.
I'll keep you guys in my prayers. (((HUGS))))
Julie
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M
ML
Guest
Star you amaze me. You are a perfect blend of strength and heart. You are a true survivor and Dude is lucky to have you in his corner. I will pray that he finds peace with the reality of who is father is and that he realizes he is NOT his father. I also will pray that he knows love and acceptance in his friends and family and that his need for love and acceptance from this evil man dissolves.
moonglow
New Member
Thanks Moon -
I've missed you so much, but kept you and Nate in my thoughts and though you already know that this is a reality - when it hits your door it leaves a hole bigger than you think. Couple the fact that my x has tried to kill me on numerous occasions and given a chance would do it and think nothing of it, plus ....now that Dude is old enough he's been told what happened and thinks nothing about what "I feel" is a 2nd slap in the face by him "Having to" run to Daddy for this "approval" over "loyalty"? It's a little tougher than I needed to deal with ON TOP OF trying to deal with Dude's already CD attitude and mood swings.
The worst thing? It's ME again......Daddy is lying and NOT keeping promises and who do you think is having to bear the brunt of the temper tantrums and fall out from Dudes disappointments? Certainly not Daddy - Never was, never has been - never will be. I think maybe the next time Dude has a fit because this jerk made yet another promise and didn't keep it I'm going to dial his number and set the phone down so he can get an earful of what I have to hear. He should - he caused it.x1,000,000 - why can't he just go stay under that rock.
Oh Star my heart just aches for you..what you are going through. While ex never tried to kill me...its not something I would put past him though it might not be his intentions...you know..just rough me up a bit..
And likely being drunk it would too to far..But maybe I am just projecting my fears...he has aged horribly while in prison. I check on his prison profile once in awhile..I was utterly shocked at how much he has aged. He looks like a really old man even though he is the same age as I am. I can only hope he will be too old to do anymore then make threats. The abuse we went through seems mild compared to what you two endured.
I can understand what your son is doing and the effect it has on you. Nate did the same thing while ex was still around and even for years after he went to prison.
Dad could do no wrong...inspite of his terror of him. And yes I was the one that always got the fall out...though Nate was little...your son is not. So you have even more to deal with! And I can image you are angry with Dude..I mean after all YOU are the rock for him and truly love him and you should be the one he loves the most...and he does ..its just right now he is in a turmoil wanting his dad's love too and not getting it. I image its also bringing out past buried feelings being triggered by contact with his dad again. That's an awful lot to deal with. Being pulled towards someone and repulsed at the same time. The internal struggle in him must be huge right now. But still it hurts!
Its all part of what happens to the mind of an abused child. They would die protecting that parent..even though it makes totally no sense at all. At least until reality finally sets in, then the grief for them is nearly unbearable...
The feeling of rejection won't ever leave not until he can heal from this. face the reality and go through the grief...the anger, then finally acceptance. Its like dealing with death. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression and finally acceptance. And it is like a death..the death of what they imaged their dads to be...what they wanted them to be..the dream of a loving dad like other kids have...Meanwhile though yes you take the crushing rejection and verbal punching...its not fair, its not right and its certainly not logical at all.
I wish I had words or suggestion to help you get through this..I think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is daily focus on forgiving your son...other wise the resentment, the bitterness and the anger will grow daily and get bigger and bigger and bigger until it overwhelms you and eats you alive.
Forgiving your son doesn't mean letting him off the hook or forgetting or saying 'oh its ok to rant and rave at me about what your dad is not doing'...it doesn't mean that at all. Its for you..to keep your sanity in all of this and get through it. Forgive him because he really is doing something typical of abused children....he just wants to be love BY his dad. And it hurts because his dad failings are showing him he isn't loved. So he is acting out in pain. If you can understand that...you can forgive him. For YOUR sake.
...and yes ex should have stayed under the rock!
If I am upsetting you more..showing my ignorance of what you are enduring..if I am angering you...please, please know that is the last thing I would ever want to do. Just tell me I don't know what I am talking about and I will shut up. Just know I want to help...not hurt...
