Totally overwhelmed with my life right now!

[Firefly2]

Hi everyone! Haven't posted in awhile. I am very overwhelmed and not sure what do to. My 8 year old (ADHD, depression, sensory processing disorder (SPD) +ho knows what else) is on medication and has been getting better the past month or two, but the past couple of weeks things are going downhill. He is incredibly needy, angry, moody...he takes up a LOT of my time. My 2 year old spends at least 50% of his day crying and is angry as well. Think he will follow in his brother's footsteps. Now, there are good times and times where they are happy and a joy to be around. There are just so many not-so-good times that I am stressed out!
We have a big house that I can't keep up with (my 8 year old helps, but he ends up making more messes than he cleans up), we have a lot of pets that I can barely take care of, and I babysit and stay very busy during the day. There is certainly no time for me, and my anger and frustration is building. I have been losing my patience and getting very angry with my 8 year old-the other day I pushed him to the floor. Now, this was after 1 1/2 hours of bad attitude and not listening and all that ****. But-my frustration hit a boiling point and I pushed him to the floor. Today my frustration is at another boiling point and I grabbed him by the arm and was screaming at him. I know this isn't good-I know things have to change. Like this morning....I am in my pajamas trying to get the dogs in the house at 7:30 this morning because they are barking at a stray dog, my 8 year old and 2 year old have been fighting most of the morning, the house is trashed, and they both refuse to eat. The 2 year old threw his whole plate of eggs on the floor because he didn't want them and spent most of the morning crying. My 8 year old didn't want to eat anything at all and was getting crabbier by the minute...he was mean and very difficult to get along with. After some arguing and telling him he was going to be grounded, he finally said he would eat sausage and some cheese. Gave them to him, and he spit them out. I walked away to get dressed, and when I came back out, one of the cats was eating the sausage and cheese, and my 8 year old had hats, gloves and coats spread out everywhere and was trying to get himself and his 2 year old brother dressed to go outside. There was also pee on the bathroom floor mixed in with some crushed up cereal-lovely! My 8 year old still hadn't eaten, and I managed to get him to eat a few almonds on the way to church. This type of stuff happens every day, all day.
I have been reading a great book, I think it is called Little Sugar Addicts, and I definitely think our family could use some changes in our diet. I feel that I am addicted to sugar, and our overall diet could use improvement. Out of all of us, my 8 year old eats the best-he really does. So, that is on my mind as well. We see the psy. nurse practitioner tomorrow, and I don't know whether we should stick with my 8 year olds current medications (Adderall, Zoloft, Risperdal) or change them. I am just totally overwhelmed and spread thin, but am not looking for sympathy or anything like that. I want to know if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and what you did to help yourself and your family. I need some changes!!
P.S. I have a wonderful husband who is a wonderful father. He works 2 jobs and is busy. He isn't a housework type, never has been. He does the outdoor stuff. And now that he is working 2 jobs I don't ask for much. But I told him today I need help, and he said he will do what he can to help me.

 

[BusynMember]

Hi there. I'm so sorry you have it rough. One thing I noticed when I was stressed out: the pets didn't help!!! Perhaps you should humanely and carefully rehome (no pound) your pets to minimize a little stress. difficult children can make pets act like more difficult child kids.

I strongly recommend a second neuropsychologist evaluation if your eight year old has already had one. Clearly what is happening (medications and otherwise) isn't helping him for more than a two week stretch. I would make sure the two year old gets testing as soon as he turns three. The school district will do it for free and if he qualifies, he can get intensive interventions and stay at school part of the day so that you get a break. One thing we parents need to do and that is to take GOOD care of ourselves, find ways to rest from our kids while our kids are being safely taken care of, and make sure we do not get to the point where we are acting as badly as our kids. That does not set a good example, BUT it is common amongst us because we live with so much pressure. The key is to find ways to alleviate it.

If you want to try a new diet, go for it. I'm not one who believes diets help/hurt much, but many people do and there is help with these diets all over the internet and some great warrior moms here can also advise you.


I do hope you get your boys re-evaluated. Also, it would be good if you could find the time to see a therapist for yourself. I would not discount that your kids may have a form of autistic spectrum disorder and maybe that's why the stimulants are not helping your eight year old son. At any rate, keep in touch and try very hard to be good to yourself. "If Mom Ain't Happy, Ain't NOBODY Happy." Right?

 

[Malika]

Hello. Reading your post was like visualising a cartoon strip Sorry, to sound facetious but really you paint a very vivid picture! I can empathise with how stressful all this is. At the same time, reconnecting to a sense of humour, despite all the odds, can greatly help defuse a burgeoning nervous breakdown... if it can at all be managed. Anyway, you clearly have retained something of YOUR humour so I would encourage you to let go and to chill as much as is humanly possible in an impossible situation.
Read, or reread, The Explosive Child, my current bible. Put as much as possible into the file marked "Doesn't really matter". You are in a situation of crisis, you need to reorder priorities. Number one priority: keeping your sanity! Which means ensuring that you are living the lives you need to lead, not the ones you are "supposed" to lead. Try not to take things to a painful point - head things off at the pass as much as you can. At least you have a great husband on board.
Deep breath... then another... and another...

 

[Firefly2]

Thanks so much-I can't tell you how much I appreciate how you, and others, take time from your day to help others! My 8 year old has never seen a neuropsychologist. He had testing done by our family counselor 2 years ago (lots of paperwork) and it said dysthemia and ADHD. We are seeing a psychiatric. nurse practitioner, a counselor, and he is getting Occupational Therapist (OT) therapy for sensory processing disorder (SPD). We are spending lots of money, and that's ok. But, to see someone else and pay for testing...I don't know how we would pay for it. He has minimal issues at school, so the school cannot/will not do any testing on him. His counselor suggested psychological testing, and he said it cost about $1500. I don't really know what to do-I really don't. The medication seemed to be helping a lot, but lately it is not. It is hard to imagine my boys having autism-they don't show most of the signs. But, something is going on-and I can't put my finger on it. I have considered aspergers with my 8 year old, but then he shows signs of bipolar also, I don't know.
My 2 (almost 3) year old shows lots of the same symptoms as his brother, but away from the house (away from me) he is much better. Hard to NOT think it is my fault.
I definitely need to thin out our pet herd-lol. My 8 year old had dirty hamster shavings all over his carpet today (LOTS of it) because he was digging in the cage trying to find them. Sure enough-the hamsters have escaped, his room is a mess, I lost my temper, and we found one of them but not the other. I imagine one of the 5 cats will find it.
I need to take care of myself-there is no time for that. Every day I feel like I am going through the motions, and can't wait to go to bed at night. So I have to simplify!

 

[compassion]

My expereince is private insurance covers pysch assessments/testing, except for co-pays.

 

[Firefly2]

Found a neuropsychologist that is about 35 mins away! It will probably take weeks, possibly months to get an apt, but I have a place to start. Yay!

 

[compassion]

Great news! My experience is those type of appts. take months to get but it is worth it.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Hi firefly2, I'm not around on General parenting much, but I just wanted you to know I read your post. The other more knowledgeable parents are giving you good advice for your kids............I just wanted to say that having been in stressful life situations many times, one thing that has helped me is to make sure you carve out time for you. That's where a lot of the resentment comes in. We woman just give and give and when there isn't enough energy and care coming back to balance that out, we get depleted and then we can't deal.

You're taking care of 2 demanding children and babysitting for others, that's a lot of giving and not much getting. Even if you plan a night out with your husband once a week, a date, or go get a manicure, or take a long bath, it doesn't matter as long as it's something just for you that replenishes you. You need help and I'm glad you asked your husband..........however, I think you need more then that. Being a mom is a full time gig and it's a hard gig, and you add in challenging children and you've got a recipe for burnout.

Just think about what it is that gives you that feeling of being nurtured and do as much of it as you can, every single day. If you do that, I think you will then have the reserves to be there for everyone else's needs, but you have to take care of YOU first. Not last. Sending hugs and good wishes for you to get your needs met and find your joy once again.

 

[BusynMember]

Hon, your insurance should cover an evaluation, even if you have Medicaid, like me. I found that university hospitals are not only Medicaid friendly, but have some of the best, most cutting edge professionals in the country. Your child may well have inherited a mood disorder. Kids do not usually have just one issue going on. It is usually bipolar/ADHD/learning disabilities....etc. A neuropsychologist is best at diagnosing from my VAST amount of unwanted experience...lol. However, your son is getting a lot of good services. You should really get an evaluation if only to bring to school so that they have no choice but to offer those services to you for free. You may have to fight with them to get them, but it's worth it to save all that money going to private professionals.

A family counselor does not have the education or actually even the authority to diagnose anything. It's those with the more education (psychiatrists and neuropsychs) who have that knowledge and authority. I would not trust a family counselor.

I also recommend calling the Dept. of Education in your state and ask for the name of your free parent advocate who works for the parents with special needs children in your school district. Call and make an appointment. with the advocate and never ask for any service for your child without the advocate. You will get much farther much faster. You should not have to pay out of pocket. Every child in the US has to be served by the school, even if the school doesn't want to put out the $$$. Your child is no exception. You need help getting started in your battle which is where the advocate comes in.

If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to be any good for others either, including your children. You have to find a way to get a break and school for the youngest is one way. It does not cost anything if he qualifies for early education and is quite beneficial to the child. I don't know where my son would be today if he had not started his interventions very young. It made a big difference, especially in his behavior and ability to adapt to the world around him.

 

[Liahona]

There are times my kids are sent to their rooms because mommy needs a time out.

 

[Firefly2]

Thank you-I am so grateful for your time and experience. Really. Thank you.

 

[Firefly2]

I have to fight to not cry. The phrase "find your joy once again" really hit me hard. I have no joy right now. I really don't. Just stress. I have to fix this. Thank you!!

 

[recoveringenabler]

Firefly, I know how you feel, been there done that............ today, do something just for YOU, buy yourself flowers, anything, but it's JUST FOR YOU. Big hugs..............................

 

[Firefly2]

I got a pedicure last night, and I was sitting there, feeling like I just won the lottery! I felt like a queen! It was great-haven't had a pedicure in well over a year. I must do that more often!! Still needing to simplify my life and not sure where to start. I do know I need to take action and not keep talking about it-just do it!!

 

[InsaneCdn]

Still needing to simplify my life and not sure where to start

For you? or for difficult child?
When we had to simplify for difficult child, we started with saying NO to one event/activity per week. If we really didn't miss it, it became permanent and we said no to something else. Some things got put back in.... they had enough value to be worth the effort.
For ME... I find it works to set limits to my day... X hours in the office, and X hours of at-home (domestic engineer) work... and X hours of sleep and X hours of ME time... and the last two are non-negotiable.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I LOVE hearing that you had a pedicure and felt like a queen, it warms my heart.........keep nurturing yourself, fill up that empty well with lots of nice ,wonderful things that are just for YOU.

*When I don't know what to do, I make lists! Make a list of what can go overboard on your schedule, what is necessary, what is not, organize your life on paper. Once you get a clearer picture, then start removing some stuff you don't need to be responsible for but perhaps have simply become a habit.........listen to the other mom's about how they did it...........and ALWAYS ask for help. Your husband said he'd help, give him some chores. Don't be supermom, who cares if the laundry piles up or the tub isn't clean or whatever, if you can afford it, hire someone to clean for you every two weeks...............prioritize your commitments. Do what you love first and negotiate the rest!