Hi Ann,
Your situation sounds similar to mine with my daughter. She is pulling away , and it's painful. They pull away in the best way they know how . They are traversing this no man's land between childhood and adulthood , and have no idea how to do it gracefully . I learned a lot about that on here from another member, Copacobana. If you read my threat on "Arguments over the car", you can see Copa's response which is very, very helpful on this subject .
Your daughter is functioning. She is slowly taking responsibility for her finances, she is working towards her future. I am learning that my daughter's moods are high highs and low lows and that I need to protect myself and my equanimity by whatever means necessary but in ways that do not involve her changing . I am powerless over her and I cannot change another person. I can only change myself and my responses.
I do feel that too much was said at the restaurant. She was willing to go. I would have refrained from saying anything about her eating . It's a personal boundary. Her eating or not eating is none of my business. When your husband says he spent $10.50 but has let it go, he really has not let it go. If he had, he would not have brought it up. And I can see how that is annoying to someone.
These young people want autonomy. They want freedom and independence. And what they need to learn and what we can teach them through our actions is that freedom and independence come at the price of responsibility. I read in an article that it's a good idea to make young adults realize that nothing is free - so any time they ask something of us, we require something in return. With my daughter when she wants to use my car , she has to wash and vac the car before she takes it. I need to do this much more. I often forget. The other day she wanted new headphones and I forgot all about this set up. In the past, I have said "ok what will you give or do in return?" and if she has no answer, suggested something I needed done in the house. She often declined which also meant she didn't get what she wanted.
Your daughter did not ruin your birthday lunch. Nobody can take our power away from us unless we give it away. We are responsible for our own happiness. This can also mean that we don't invite family members out. And if we do to not have any expectations whatsoever.
I am slowly learning with my 2 adult kids that I just need to let go. To accept that right now they do not want to be around me , don't want to spend time with me, have a hard time liking me as a person. To make my own plans how I see fit and allow them to fit into my plans IF THEY SO CHOSE.
With Thanksgiving last year, both adult kids were at college 2 hours away and I knew they did not want to come home. Son had stayed at school year before and daughter was feeling morose towards us. I planned what I wanted to do and did exactly that. I will do the same this year . I ran a 5K that morning, I did not cook, and I attended a community function with Thanksgiving food.
Young adults need lots of space , lots of decision making ability over their own lives , and they also need to see Mom and Dad as independent adults not waiting around for them to complete us. We can complete ourselves and empower them to live their own lives and complete themselves .
