Trying to hold onto my serenity

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Nov 12, 2012.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Hi all,

    So i have been talking about moving on with my life and peace and all that. Overall i am kind of amazed at myself at how far i have come in this given our situation...but i am starting to worry.

    My difficult child has not posted anything at all on FB for 9 days. Not to me or to anyone else that i can see. So i am pretty sure he has not been online. This is my only way of knowing he is still alive and at least ok.

    Now heis homeless doing whatever he is doing and does not have easy access so that is probably why. I know he is not thinking about us and how we worry...most young men dont. Hopefully he does have our number in his stuff so someone will call us if something happens to him.....

    But the unknown feeling is really starting to get to me. I dont think there is anything i can do...i may if i dont see anything on his page post something asking if anyone has heard from him...but other than that i think i just have to wait.

    So send board juju that i hear something soon so i can keep having some sense of peace!

  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    (((HUGS))) fellow warrior mom...could he have simply lost interest in FB? Did he not get the phone you sent for him?

    No, they do not think about how we worry...they just don't have that emotional pull that us moms have. Please remember that we cannot change anything. We have no power. The only thing you can do is keep taking care of YOU so that you are available when he needs you. This is a lesson I am trying very hard to learn myself...
  3. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Guest


    I'm sending you loads of serenity!!!

    Sometimes they are just being that age. My nephew is 25. His dog was hit by a car Friday. My sister called the vet (she lives hours away) to say she'd pay the bill. Has she heard anything from her son??? No. She's tried to find him all weekend. Nothing. She had me check his FB last night...nothing since Oct3.

    The only thing we can predict with certainty is their uncertainty.

    Try...try to find something to take your mind of it.
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I understand the worry when they are out of touch. Last summer when difficult child went off to some lake in NY with two guys I knew nothing about and was out of communication for three days I was in a panic. She wasn't using her cell phone or posting on fb or answering our calls or texts. I got a very short glimpse of what it would be to not hear from her for an extended period of time. TL you amaze me with your calm and common sense approach to things and your ability to keep your heart open to any and all communication from him. It's hard for me to imagine my difficult child not wanting to stay in communication with us either but what everyone says is true, they dont; think about us, they are thinking only of themselves and their survival. If they only understood that there was a much better way for them, but that is not the way they choose.

    My husband made the comment the other day that at least she was not asking to come back home and I responded that she would never do that. He said she would if she got cold enough and I said I really didn't think so, that for some of our difficult child's they would rather be cold than come back home and conform to our values. I don't understand that because I am not that way but have come to terms with the fact that they value their freedom much more than their family.

    I hope you hear from him soon and that he gets the phone you made available to him so that he will never be out of range again.

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you for your thoughts... it is hard for me to understand why he is not jumping to get the phone. I dont think he has one..... but my guess is he feels like it is some trick to force him into treatment. At this point I dont want to force him into treatment and I cant anyways since he is 21.... but maybe that is what he thinks. He has made it clear he wants his freedom more than he wants to conform to any basic rules of decent living!!! So he has his freedom but I sure would like him to touch base more often so we know at least he is ok!!!
  6. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    I think the 20's are a 'me' age anyway and much more so with difficult children. I have gotten used to the long periods of no contact - my difficult child can call collect and he still doesn't.

    My friend's son graduated from HS with high grades so they gifted him a trip to France. They did not hear one work for the entire 6 months he was gone - she was furious!

    It is so easy to say take care of yourself and try not to worry - but it honestly is all that can be done.
  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    thanks... it is helpful to hear of other cases of long periods of time with no contact... honestly he knows we arent going to give him much so unless he is really desperate for something I dont think he will make an extra effort to reach out to us... I expect if he gets on FB he will reply to my message to him. But as long as he posts something I will be happy.

  8. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL, I wasn't a difficult child but I have to admit to letting long periods of time go by without contacting my parents when I was in college and my early twenties. Of course, in those days all we had was long distance phone calls but I rarely thought to call them. It wasn't that I didn't love them, I just really was busy with my own life. Looking back, I'm sure my parents wished I had called more often and we did get closer once I got married and had children.

    I know it is hard wondering what is going on but there is the old chestnut . . . no news is good news.

  9. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    Hugs to you. Hope you hear something soon.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    JuJu sent! I do have to agree though that even easy child's have a tendency to become totally self absorbed at that age. Some of ours did...and some didn't. Completely I understand your concerns but I would encourage you to not panic and attempt to regenerate during this lull. Sincere and caring hugs coming your way. DDD
  11. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    {{hugs}} sweet TL.

    I know it's typical teen behavior and difficult child behavior -- but that doesn't make it any easier when you are a mom.

    If it difficult child was supposed to come home "late this weekend" - when I hadn't heard from him by late yesterday (6?) afternoon, I texted him for "an eta" (his favorite dinner simmering on the stove) and got an "I probably won't get their until tomorrow or tuesday..."

    Well, gee - thanks for letting me know.



    when it's a difficult child - WORRISOME.

    an no, I haven't heard from him since. Even though I had my surgery last week - he never even called. I'm starting to get that *flutter in my stomach* - *roller coaster* feeling again.
  12. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Waiting along side of you and sure hoping your difficult child gets in touch with you soon.
    As always you have my prayers.

  13. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    So I broke down and sent a fb message to the guy he was travelling with asking of difficult child was ok. He said he hasnt seen him in a while, that he has moved somewhere, that he is trying to track him down... but that he is ok because other people have seen him!! And that he doesnt have access to fb. So I am left not exactly feeling better but a little more confident that at least he is probably alive. i suspect he is using a lot... and probably some scary stuff and that is why he is not in touch at all..... but I am back to knowing it is his life and his decisions and I need to keep living my life.

  14. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am so sorry. :( My difficult child did tell me that is why she stayed away from me. So I didn't have to see her in that condition. I will never understand the hold these drugs have on them. They have experienced another way to live and yet being a homeless drug addict is better?? I just don't understand. :(
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    PG I dont understand either. It just feels crazy to me really. I cant understand why my son doesnt even make the phone call to get himself the phone we have waiting for him out there?? It makes no sense to me at all. I do think my son wants to live without any rules and in a bizarre sense I guess living on the streets is living without rules. Who knows....hopefully someday they will get themselves together and can explain it to us but until then we just need to wait and see... which is the hardest thing to do in this situation!!
  16. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    It never fails to amaze me how there is this underground that addicts know and we don't. They can get in touch with anyone just by knowing someone who has seen them. I guess to them that is their family. I don't understand it either. I'm glad you sort of heard about him and that he is stil out there. What an awful way to live.