Trying to stay strong

[BusynMember]

I just can't understand why he can't keep a job and work to support his self.

He doesn't want to. It's easier to steal.

 

[Copabanana]

I just can't understand why he can't keep a job and work to support his self.

Hi okie girl. I am with you. I cannot understand why my son keeps living a life that is difficult, painful, uncomfortable, degrading, when to me it would be so much easier to just go to school.

My son is very smart. He has gone to college. He has SSI. If he went to college, he could double his income by having a work study job. Everything would be paid for. I do not get it.

I have a therapist who I speak with on the phone. He wants me to accept that my son has some intrinsic personality limitation whereby he does not think like I do, or like you do. He thinks I will never understand why my son lives as he does. Because our brains are different.

I have fought accepting this point of view, because it would mean accepting that my son's situation will likely not improve. That it would not feels intolerable to me. I still fight it. I do not know how the mothers on this site come to acceptance. I respect them so. Still I do not see how I will do it. Perhaps I will tire myself out and let go.

I know this sounds nutty but there can be a lot of positive influences in prison: School, libraries, church, visiting religious groups, sports, Art. You can even study college courses if you want. If men and women want to do positive things, there are a lot of positive things to do.

And they are safer there. There are still drugs, but they are harder to get. Off drugs, these men become themselves, and their relationships with their mothers in particular can mellow and improve.

Okie girl, I am right there with you, suffering in the same way, I think. I feel I am not strong either. That I cannot survive this. But we will.

Last night my son called to tell me he wanted to visit to say goodbye to us. He plans to leave here to go to a nearby City, never to return, he says.

I became so sad until I realized the sadness was because I did not want my son to come here to the house. I have come to fear being with my son, especially alone. My son who I have loved more than myself.

I know now I must find an equal or greater love for myself. Or I will suffer as I am for the rest of my life.

I will learn how to treasure myself. I will. To know it--that I felt sick and sad to think my son was coming over to my house is a really good first step. Because that tells me that guilt is the cause of a lot of my suffering. Over that I have some control.

Neither you or I has a reason to feel guilty. It is not our fault. It is not our responsibility to fix our children. Not anymore.

Take care, okie girl.

COPA

 

[Jabberwockey]

I would really appreciate any info you can find out for me about messages from the kiosk.

Its going to depend on which company has the contract in your area but I asked some offenders and they said that people can respond. The company that has our contract is called Securus.

 

[okie girl]

Thank you for the info.....I will check it out.

 

[okie girl]

I've had a difficult weekend......just really miss my Difficult Child. He is on my calling plan and there has been no activity on his phone since Friday. I keep him on my call plan so I can know at least he is alive. I have been really doing well with detaching but here I go again. I just can not understand why he just can't get a job and get a place to live. Is it that hard? I have gone back to work part-time and I am 64! His daughter, son and ex-wife spent the night with me last night. His daughter (my granddaughter) left for Honduras on a mission trip early this morning and my grandson is staying with me until Saturday. I think this has just triggered memories of the way things used to be when he was still with his family. Anyways, just got on here to vent. Thanks

 

[Childofmine]

okie girl, there is a certain kind of peace that comes with just writing them letters or postcards while they are in jail.

I know your son isn't there yet, but I will tell you that until my Difficult Child starting doing better (one year ago), the times he was in jail were the best times for me. He was in a jail 8 or 9 times over the 6 years that were the worst.

I knew he was relatively safe, compared with living on the streets, and had food to eat and a way to take a shower and heat in the winter. That helped me, knowing that.

I stopped putting money on his account because i found out they all played cards and bet their account money, which I felt was just going for nothing, most times.

At the beginning, I did it all, sent books from Amazon, put money on the account, went for visits, wrote lots of letters.

At the end, I was down to just writing a postcard every now and then, with no "you'd better use this time to...." type of lectures. Just newsy postcards that started and ended with I love you and I hope you are okay, and telling him general things about my life.

That helped me too.

hang in there. Live YOUR life. You can be sure he is living his right now. Don't give away your life to him or his decisions. Our "kids" are grown men. Either they can act like grown men, and we will be able to have relationships with them at some point, we hope, or they can keep on acting like little babies and basically, nobody will want to have a relationship with them. Their choice, their consequence. Sad as it is.

Warm hugs today.

 

[AppleCori]

Hi OG,

Hope you are doing well today.

Sounds like, despite your son, his children are doing good things with their lives. Let that be a consolation to your heart. Your grandchildren are all OK. They are strong and resilient.

And your daughter is doing well and is a comfort to you.

And your daughter-in-law has stayed connected to you and allowed her children to stay connected to you. And she has made a life for them all.

Try not to dwell on your son. You can't help him and your worry won't change anything except to make you miserable.

Focus on yourself, your hubby, and the other people in your life that bring you joy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Apple

 

[okie girl]

He doesn't want to. It's easier to steal.

I guess I will never understand. I have always worked.

 

[okie girl]

Hi okie girl. I am with you. I cannot understand why my son keeps living a life that is difficult, painful, uncomfortable, degrading, when to me it would be so much easier to just go to school.

My son is very smart. He has gone to college. He has SSI. If he went to college, he could double his income by having a work study job. Everything would be paid for. I do not get it.

I have a therapist who I speak with on the phone. He wants me to accept that my son has some intrinsic personality limitation whereby he does not think like I do, or like you do. He thinks I will never understand why my son lives as he does. Because our brains are different.

I have fought accepting this point of view, because it would mean accepting that my son's situation will likely not improve. That it would not feels intolerable to me. I still fight it. I do not know how the mothers on this site come to acceptance. I respect them so. Still I do not see how I will do it. Perhaps I will tire myself out and let go.

As far as prison goes, I second what Jabber says. I worked in prisons in a professional capacity. I found that often it was much easier for mothers with their sons in prison.

I know this sounds nutty but there can be a lot of positive influences in prison: School, libraries, church, visiting religious groups, sports, Art. You can even study college courses if you want. If men and women want to do positive things, there are a lot of positive things to do.

And they are safer there. There are still drugs, but they are harder to get. Off drugs, these men become themselves, and their relationships with their mothers in particular can mellow and improve.

Okie girl, I am right there with you, suffering in the same way, I think. I feel I am not strong either. That I cannot survive this. But we will.

Last night my son called to tell me he wanted to visit to say goodbye to us. He plans to leave here to go to a nearby City, never to return, he says.

I became so sad until I realized the sadness was because I did not want my son to come here to the house. I have come to fear being with my son, especially alone. My son who I have loved more than myself.

I know now I must find an equal or greater love for myself. Or I will suffer as I am for the rest of my life.

I will learn how to treasure myself. I will. To know it--that I felt sick and sad to think my son was coming over to my house is a really good first step. Because that tells me that guilt is the cause of a lot of my suffering. Over that I have some control.

Neither you or I has a reason to feel guilty. It is not our fault. It is not our responsibility to fix our children. Not anymore.

Take care, okie girl.

COPA

Thank you Copa. When he was in jail last year, I felt better when he was in jail. Like you said, I knew where he was and had food to eat. Not knowing where he is, makes me very apprehensive when I hear on the news of a crime or wreck, etc. please keep us in your prayers

 

[okie girl]

Hi OG,

Hope you are doing well today.

Sounds like, despite your son, his children are doing good things with their lives. Let that be a consolation to your heart. Your grandchildren are all OK. They are strong and resilient.

And your daughter is doing well and is a comfort to you.

And your daughter-in-law has stayed connected to you and allowed her children to stay connected to you. And she has made a life for them all.

Try not to dwell on your son. You can't help him and your worry won't change anything except to make you miserable.

Focus on yourself, your hubby, and the other people in your life that bring you joy.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Apple

Thank you AC for reminding me of my many blessing I do have

 

[okie girl]

okie girl, there is a certain kind of peace that comes with just writing them letters or postcards while they are in jail.

I know your son isn't there yet, but I will tell you that until my Difficult Child starting doing better (one year ago), the times he was in jail were the best times for me. He was in a jail 8 or 9 times over the 6 years that were the worst.

I knew he was relatively safe, compared with living on the streets, and had food to eat and a way to take a shower and heat in the winter. That helped me, knowing that.

I stopped putting money on his account because i found out they all played cards and bet their account money, which I felt was just going for nothing, most times.

At the beginning, I did it all, sent books from Amazon, put money on the account, went for visits, wrote lots of letters.

At the end, I was down to just writing a postcard every now and then, with no "you'd better use this time to...." type of lectures. Just newsy postcards that started and ended with I love you and I hope you are okay, and telling him general things about my life.

That helped me too.

hang in there. Live YOUR life. You can be sure he is living his right now. Don't give away your life to him or his decisions. Our "kids" are grown men. Either they can act like grown men, and we will be able to have relationships with them at some point, we hope, or they can keep on acting like little babies and basically, nobody will want to have a relationship with them. Their choice, their consequence. Sad as it is.

Warm hugs today.

Thank you COM. When he was in jail, I got letters from him and I did write back. I would have to really have to struggle with those letters. I know how manipulative he can be and I would be really cautious in what I wrote back. Thank you so much for your replies. It helps me so much.

 

[Tanya M]

I just can not understand why he just can't get a job and get a place to live. Is it that hard?

Oh if I had a dollar for every time I've asked myself that same exact question I could retire!!

This was one of the hardest things I had to let go of with my son. Coming to accept that I would never have an answer was hard to take as it goes against everything my husband and I taught him. We have always worked. Before moving to the Midwest I was at my previous job for 20 years, same for my husband. I've been in the Midwest for 12 years now and have worked the entire time.

I too know how it is to find "comfort" in knowing that my son was in jail. While I would hate to get a phone call or letter from him saying he was back in jail, there was also that sense of relief in knowing where he was.

Currently he's traveling across the country with his dog. That's something else I don't really understand. He struggles to take care of himself so why would he have a dog?? But then I think at least he has some companionship.

His daughter, son and ex-wife spent the night with me last night. His daughter (my granddaughter) left for Honduras on a mission trip early this morning and my grandson is staying with me until Saturday. I think this has just triggered memories of the way things used to be when he was still with his family.

Yes, this is bittersweet for sure. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with your grands. I can also see where you are coming from when you talk about it triggering memories.
Do your best to hold onto all the good stuff you have in your life. Stay focused on YOU. Do something wonderful just for YOU.

 

[okie girl]

Oh if I had a dollar for every time I've asked myself that same exact question I could retire!!

This was one of the hardest things I had to let go of with my son. Coming to accept that I would never have an answer was hard to take as it goes against everything my husband and I taught him. We have always worked. Before moving to the Midwest I was at my previous job for 20 years, same for my husband. I've been in the Midwest for 12 years now and have worked the entire time.

I too know how it is to find "comfort" in knowing that my son was in jail. While I would hate to get a phone call or letter from him saying he was back in jail, there was also that sense of relief in knowing where he was.

Currently he's traveling across the country with his dog. That's something else I don't really understand. He struggles to take care of himself so why would he have a dog?? But then I think at least he has some companionship.


Yes, this is bittersweet for sure. It's wonderful that you have a good relationship with your grands. I can also see where you are coming from when you talk about it triggering memories.
Do your best to hold onto all the good stuff you have in your life. Stay focused on YOU. Do something wonderful just for YOU.

Thank you Tanya. At least I know where he is. He is on probation, so I'm sure he will get prison time. He has a Chevy Silverado and all his belongings are in it. I guess it will be auctioned off for the state. This is out of my controll. I am just so...so...tired of all this. Thank you for your support. I need it.