Hi Zone, we are glad you are here. And I'm so sorry for all you are having to deal with.
Write it all down. Every incident that you can remember. Try to make a timeline of events and behaviors and system failures.
This is such a good recommendation. Writing it all down does so many things---it helps you, it will help him as you provide this to the "system" and it gives you something to do in an impossible situation.
My son started his very slow slide in 7th grade with a lot of acting out and not doing homework and not trying in school but sports---soccer---kept him focused and active and he wanted to be on the team. Thank goodness.
It wasn't until he graduated from h.s. and at the end of that first semester in college that the problems really started to pile up. He was 19 by then, and an adult by society's rules (far from being mature). He then went off the cliff and things were very very bad very quickly. Alcohol, drugs, stealing, lying, very bad behavior. We tried everything and nothing worked.
He blamed his dad and myself for everything. We had gotten divorced when he was a junior in h.s. so the guilt was ready made and he manipulated it and of course it is true that divorce is very hard on our kids so I fell right into it.
He said we made him go to the wrong middle school and by the time he got to high school, the one he wanted to go to, his friends there had made other friends. I think there was some truth in that, so again, I had the guilt. I was constantly trying to figure out what was truth and what wasn't and that kept me anxious and guilty and reactive. And he used all of that extremely skillfully. The point of this is that it delays the inevitable.
You sound like you are already setting the strong boundaries and get it way more than I did. That will be good for you and for him.
I also realize your son is still a minor. I don't know what you can do in this situation that you aren't already doing. Like others have said, the system isn't set up for this. And everywhere we turn, there is nobody who will "make something happen" for our very sick kids. His dad and I even checked into "having him committed" and found that wasn't likely to happen.
Last night I heard a story on NPR about a new book called The Teenage Brain. It was sobering because all kids won't mature until well after their mid-20s, some into their early 30s. When alcohol and drugs and mental illness are involved early on, the damage is greater (although repairable). So it does matter if our kids use drugs and alcohol when they are in the teens because their developing brains are very vulnerable. How can we make them stop? That wasn't addressed of course.
I am slowly learning from this group to minimize the trauma no matter their actions and to begin to find joy in my life amidst it.
At some point, it has to be about you. I did learn that crying, begging, reasoning, grounding, writing contracts, shaming, guilting, restricting, talking, talking, talking, didn't work. He was heck-bent on doing what he was going to do and wild horses couldn't have stopped him. He was a one-person wrecking ball.
After many years, I finally got out of the way and let it be. It got a whole lot worse for a long time (several years) with more drugs, arrests, jail time and homelessness. yes, we still tried during that time, we never gave up, sending him to rehab multiple times, when he threatened suicide we called the police every time, we were never estranged from him and we always told him we loved him. But we "let" him be homeless and we didn't bail him out of jail and we quit hiring lawyers and paying his fines and on and on. I was literally and figuratively down on my knees for years, completely broken by this, and I had to start rebuilding my own life to even function.
Al-Anon was my savior (after the first time I went for about 18 months and paid lip service to it), the second time I went back I stayed and I worked the program, followed it faithfully whether it made any sense to me or not at the time because I knew something had to change and he wasn't going to so it had to be me. Then he used Al-Anon against me. (lol).
Letting go was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. But that is where I started to find peace and joy even though nothing with him had changed.
And today, I know that letting go of all people, places and things is the pathway to a better life, and I am so grateful I had to learn this. I am such a "better" person today in so many ways.
Please know we understand the heartbreak, pain, frustration, grief and anger you feel...and the exhaustion. We are here for you, and we will offer ideas, support and encouragement. Take what you like and leave the rest...only you know what you can live with. Warm hugs.
