Update on my present adventures....

[recoveringenabler]

I have asked him to leave the house I own where he is staying. Last night. On important things he did not follow through

Has he left Copa? Where will he go?

At the same time I cannot let slide his sketchiness, shadiness--when he wants to impose his lifestyle upon us. It is very hard to know where to draw the line.

I agree. It IS very hard to know where to draw the line. For me, as I made each individual decision as time went by, I would go through a process of deciding that as much as I love my daughter, I did not want the influence of her way of living to impact my life in a negative way. With each decision, it would become clearer and the choosing would become a tad easier. Actually not easier, just not as difficult as the previous choosing had been.

As I got better at the choosing, I got better at choosing ME. My daughter is an adult. Choosing her over me is not healthy for either of us, regardless of her "issues.' As she and I got clearer that I was going to be taking care of myself, creating boundaries around her behavior, she continually adapted to what my priorities are. This took awhile. It was like retraining her to shift her thinking about herself, which meant, she had to abide by MY boundaries and MY rules when she was in my environment, because those were important to me. I don't impose my lifestyle choices on her and I expect the same from her.

Because after all he is an adult. But at the same time he is an adult that seems unable to sustain an independent living situation or lifestyle that sustains him.

Yes, I understand that. I feel that way about my daughter too. However, she is 43, I am 66, I will not be around forever to assist her with a sustainable lifestyle. So, I have to back out and allow her to find her own way. I wish I had done this earlier, when she was your son's age. As I back out, she makes better choices. Not choices I would make, or even think are good choices, but they're HER choices to live HER life the way SHE believes is right. Which, for me, means a helluva lot of letting go and accepting. Not easy. But for me, necessary. With each "let go" the process has been similar, go through fear, make the choice, relief........and my daughter rises to the occasion.

As with this last situation with me leaving town......I dropped her off in a precarious situation. Within 14 hours she texted me that she was fine and everything was okay. Fine and okay from her point of view, likely not from mine, but that is the way she has chosen to live. She knows that I believe she can change the situation, but she also knows it's her choice. Letting her go into her own lifestyle is the most difficult thing I have to do and yet, as time has passed, for me, it is the only thing I can do.......and ultimately I recognize that and I can let go.

Letting go and accepting are my key words in each situation with my daughter. When my thinking is clear, my daughter responds very well. Muddled thinking creates muddled results. So, clarity about what it is I want and what it is I need for ME, has become the map out of the maze of uncertainty.

Interestingly, being forced in to that kind of clarity about my own needs has bled out into every area of my life and has given me more opportunities to really live a life that works better for me. Another gift wrapped up in pain.

 

[Copabanana]

Has he left Copa? Where will he go?

No. He was supposed to leave yesterday. He is resisting. He agreed to come here to give me the key by 8:30am but has not shown. He does not want to leave.

He wants the place to stay, wants to be close in to us, is amenable to working with us kinda, sorta, on the houses. But his desired lifestyle is copious amounts of marijuana alternating with caffeine tablets.

Because he has a medical marijuana card at first, although I do not like his dependence and use, I left it alone. But his moods become so dark after he has used the stuff, he is withdrawn, there is such a personality change--I told him. In my space you cannot use marijuana or be under its affects.

By my space I meant my house and the other house where he is staying.

I knew when I said it it would be very hard to enforce and would lead to a showdown. But he is buying the plant on the street not with his card at a dispensary (far from here, costing a big part of his SSI to go on train and pay for it--another problem.) I feel I can legitimately prohibit illegal activity. But still, a set up for me.

We understand that developing a work ethic, we cannot force. But at the same time we do not want to help him to lay around and smoke weed. He does go to the library or Barnes and Noble most days if he does not work but I am not sure he does anything constructive.

I can hear other people saying here, one, that he is mentally ill, and will not necessarily want to live pursuing activities I consider constructive. That his lack of motivation emanates from his mental illness and to force him to motivate himself is a recipe for conflict.

Looking at it this way I can understand both his desire to have a stable, clean, safe place to stay, to be near family--and to make his own choices of how to live including marijuana, and laying around make sense--to him.

But we have achieved a great deal already from detaching. The overriding aim was for me to live. But he has changed mightily with me--not aggressive, loving, etc. He is adhering completely to important boundaries I set. So, my being strong and clear has helped immeasurable. By continuing to insist about things, I am coming from this place.

But we are two different people. I cannot make the parameters of his life. He must.

As I write this I am feeling that telling him to leave was too harsh. Even though he was using illegally bought marijuana in my house, when he promised not to. M says I need to be tough for him to get it, and then he will decide to better adhere. Sounds good in principle.

I did not want the influence of her way of living to impact my life in a negative way.

I guess the marijuana could fit in this category.

If I look at it through your eyes and not my own, his being in the street by his own choices--because he refused to adhere to my rules--has nothing to do with me. But it does.

And conversely, his using marijuana bought off the street, is not the act of a person about whom I am indifferent.My son is not a renter in my house. He is my son.

she continually adapted to what my priorities are.

which meant, she had to abide by MY boundaries and MY rules when she was in my environment, because those were important to me.

This is the goal. And the idea behind it was: if he wants to be by us (he does), supported by us (he does), he lives according to our priorities, not his own.

But my son's preference is to live by his own. Was there conflict between the two of you? Was there a period when she balked and pushed to determine her own agenda in your space?

It is the push-pull, his push back. There is conflict. Then he gives us one good day. And then when he thinks we have either forgotten, or have taken our stupid pills, he goes right back to doing things his way.

I am thinking now it might be better if he comes to stay in my own house, where I have more control. And then my house will turn into Syria, and i will have to spend my life hiding out in my bedroom if I do not get stronger.

RE, I am thinking I do not want him in the street again. He does not want this as his lifestyle, but does not want to accept our version of a lifestyle, without a fight, either.

Now 9:15 and still no son with a key.

Thank you, RE.