Update on my son.

[Heavy hearted]

My son texted me this morning after 5 days. Simple text saying I love you. Immediately, my wheels start turning. What does this message mean? ......My first thought was Oh my gosh, he's fixing to commit suicide. I immediately text back and ask if he was ok and that I will always love him.
He text back: not doing real good, I have used my last bit of money on food. I have no gas and no money to pay probation Thursday. well.......I immediately started crying and wanting to tell him....ok I will take him to and pay his probation.
Surprisingly, I did not text back offering help. I text back saying, I could not get caught up in his world of destruction anymore. He would have to figure this on his own. Oh my gosh, how it hurts! I have never such pain and sadnedd. Am I wrong? What do I do?

 

[Acacia]

You did the right thing for you at this moment, and yes, it hurts. Remember FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. When my son contacts me and is really nice, I know he is trying to manipulate me into rescuing him. It's sad to realize that, but it is true. Remember that he has his own path, however, difficult. It may sound odd, but I suggest you do something nice for yourself, even if it's to talk a walk.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Heavy hearted, I would encourage you to stay the course. However, we can only do what our hearts can bear. There is no right or wrong path, only the path that works best for you.

In my experience, I have had to make those kind of hard choices with my daughter as well. It is very difficult and of course our minds click in with the worst possible scenario filled with fear and drama and the likelihood of disaster on the horizon.....however, the worst case scenario may not happen and your son may make some better choices. The fact that you did not pay his probation and that you stepped back, refrained from helping and put it back onto him, says to me that that is what you really want to do , but now your fear has kicked in and the old program of enabling reared it's head. My advice would be to continue refraining from taking action.

I have found that each time I refrained from taking action, my daughter stepped up to the plate. I've been doing this for awhile now and slowly, the entire dynamic shifted where I am no longer her default support.....she has figured it out on her own.

Yes, it hurts like crazy at first. You're stopping a long pattern of enabling and the FOG has kicked in....(fear, obligation and guilt) which is common. When we change the pattern, all of our fears come up. Those are YOUR fears. Those are the fears I addressed in therapy, in my support group, here on this forum, so that they didn't run my life anymore. I believe you are doing the correct thing. And, I also know how much it hurts, it is hard to do.

I don't think you're wrong. I think you are making a healthy, hard choice.

I would strongly encourage you to now do something very kind and nurturing for yourself. Shift the focus onto yourself. Stats are that an 11 minute walk can alter our brain chemistry and change our perceptions. Meditation helps me. Take some kind of action for yourself, whatever it is. Don't allow yourself to be taken over by the FOG....dispel it with action, self care and sharing your experience.....

Hang in there heavy hearted, you're on the path of detachment, it is not easy, but it is doable.....and necessary for your well being and peace of mind.....take care of YOU now.

Sending big hugs. You're not alone. We'll circle our wagons around you while you work thru this.....

 

[Heavy hearted]

You did the right thing for you at this moment, and yes, it hurts. Remember FOG - fear, obligation, and guilt. When my son contacts me and is really nice, I know he is trying to manipulate me into rescuing him. It's sad to realize that, but it is true. Remember that he has his own path, however, difficult. It may sound odd, but I suggest you do something nice for yourself, even if it's to talk a walk.

Acacia,
Thank for your reply. I am feeling so down, sad and like a monsterous person right now. I know this too shall pass, but oh how hard it is right now! My heart has shattered and I feel like the pieces cannot be put back together. I am so lost in despair over something that I cannot fix.

 

[Kalahou]

Heavy hearted,

First please ... slow down… breathe…. and know that you are going to be alright . I just saw your thread today, and I don’t not have time to write much at the moment, but I want to assure you that folks here understand what you are going through and you are not alone. We know the fear, the guilt, etc you feel.

This is new to you, I know, but I already see your strength in how you stopped your initial emotional reaction “fix, help, enable”, and stayed your mind in patience to think through your wisdom and your words.

I think your text to your son was very loving, caring, and honest. You showed your confidence that he can work it out, as he needs to do. (even though I know you are inwardly trembling.) Your son knows your heart too. He is working out his life also. Do not worry that he did not text back. Your words are sinking in to him ~ he is realizing your truth and his own truth. You did well. You are not a horrible mom. This is very hard stuff but it is necessary. You will come through the fire.

I am following along, and hold you high in my thoughts. Take care, dear. You are going to be alright.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Heavy hearted, I would encourage you to stay the course. However, we can only do what our hearts can bear. There is no right or wrong path, only the path that works best for you.

In my experience, I have had to make those kind of hard choices with my daughter as well. It is very difficult and of course our minds click in with the worst possible scenario filled with fear and drama and the likelihood of disaster on the horizon.....however, the worst case scenario may not happen and your son may make some better choices. The fact that you did not pay his probation and that you stepped back, refrained from helping and put it back onto him, says to me that that is what you really want to do , but now your fear has kicked in and the old program of enabling reared it's head. My advice would be to continue refraining from taking action.

I have found that each time I refrained from taking action, my daughter stepped up to the plate. I've been doing this for awhile now and slowly, the entire dynamic shifted where I am no longer her default support.....she has figured it out on her own.

Yes, it hurts like crazy at first. You're stopping a long pattern of enabling and the FOG has kicked in....(fear, obligation and guilt) which is common. When we change the pattern, all of our fears come up. Those are YOUR fears. Those are the fears I addressed in therapy, in my support group, here on this forum, so that they didn't run my life anymore. I believe you are doing the correct thing. And, I also know how much it hurts, it is hard to do.

I don't think you're wrong. I think you are making a healthy, hard choice.

I would strongly encourage you to now do something very kind and nurturing for yourself. Shift the focus onto yourself. Stats are that an 11 minute walk can alter our brain chemistry and change our perceptions. Meditation helps me. Take some kind of action for yourself, whatever it is. Don't allow yourself to be taken over by the FOG....dispel it with action, self care and sharing your experience.....

Hang in there heavy hearted, you're on the path of detachment, it is not easy, but it is doable.....and necessary for your well being and peace of mind.....take care of YOU now.

Sending big hugs. You're not alone. We'll circle our wagons around you while you work thru this.....

Recoveringenabler
That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do! I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry, cry and cry. My heart hurts and I don't have the energy for any me time at this moment. My husband told me that was my first step in the right direction. He wants me to change my phone # so that I will not be on an emotional roller coaster and get so deep in grief that I won't be able to pull myself out. This may be a step in the right direction, but it didn't make me feel good about myself. I am not used to not having a situation that I cannot fix or find a solution to. I feel weak and helpless and this is just eating away at me. Tomorrow will be a new day ( God willing) and maybe I will do for me. Thank you for you sincere reply..I will keep on reading....this site has really helped me see some light.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Heavy hearted,

First please ... slow down… breathe…. and know that you are going to be alright . I just saw your thread today, and I don’t not have time to write much at the moment, but I want to assure you that folks here understand what you are going through and you are not alone. We know the fear, the guilt, etc you feel.

This is new to you, I know, but I already see your strength in how you stopped your initial emotional reaction “fix, help, enable”, and stayed your mind in patience to think through your wisdom and your words.

I think your text to your son was very loving, caring, and honest. You showed your confidence that he can work it out, as he needs to do. (even though I know you are inwardly trembling.) Your son knows your heart too. He is working out his life also. Do not worry that he did not text back. Your words are sinking in to him ~ he is realizing your truth and his own truth. You did well. You are not a horrible mom. This is very hard stuff but it is necessary. You will come through the fire.

I am following along, and hold you high in my thoughts. Take care, dear. You are going to be alright.

Kalahou
Bless you! I have always taken care of others and pulled the slack when needed. I don't know the feeling of can't do or can't fix....being weak, or helpless. This is really tearing me to pieces

 

[recoveringenabler]

HH, for me, much had to do with the powerlessness I felt when I couldn't control the situation....it was overwhelming. I was a huge enabler, a fixer, a controller, I was super woman! And, it almost killed me. My daughter's shenanigans forced me to go deep within to pull up those issues of how I was defined by my giving, my fixing, my super woman 'powers'.....and as I had to let those go....it was pretty devastating....not only the grief of disengaging from my daughter, but the deep well of grief, fear and sorrow for myself and how I had abandoned myself to the role of enabler.....losing myself in it.....and finding myself as I moved thru the pain of shifting my stance with my daughter to include my own self, my own boundaries, my own honoring of myself.

You are in the pain of letting go, not only of your son's fate, but of your illusionary control.....recognizing that we are truly powerless in life to change anything but ourselves....and that pain, that deep grief leads to acceptance.....so hang in there, allow yourself to feel that grief, it's healing to let go. There isn't anything you have to do.....simply be with your feelings.....you'll get to the other side and you'll feel some relief.....

 

[Heavy hearted]

Thank you!

 

[New Leaf]

I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry, cry and cry.

I hope you make time to crawl up in a ball and cry, cry, cry. Things can wait, housework, chores can wait. Get it out!
There is nothing wrong with acknowledging your feelings and releasing them. I read an article about people who mask and deny their feelings, and the stress it causes.
A good hard cry is cleansing.
HH. It has been two years since my hubs passed.
The grief I felt and still feel at times is different from this.
This is harder, profound and deep.
There is no razored edge finality, like the loss of a loved one in death.
There are so many unanswered questions and places our minds can go to.
Letting go feels horrible at first, it feels like we are giving up on our adult kids, depriving them, it goes against every instinct to nurture.

I already see your strength in how you stopped your initial emotional reaction “fix, help, enable”, and stayed your mind in patience to think through your wisdom and your words.

You are strong and can get through this.

I think your text to your son was very loving, caring, and honest. You showed your confidence that he can work it out, as he needs to do

This is what he needs to know, to learn and grow. He is not some withering broken thing that needs to rely and spit on his parents at the same time.
That is what happens when we step in to rescue, we keep clipping their wings.

You are giving your son his wings.


Take one moment, sometimes one breath at a time.

You will get through this, and so will your son.
Keep posting and sharing your thoughts, we are here for one another.
We have all been where you are at right now.
You are not alone.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[Heavy hearted]

New Leaf
Thank you for telling it's ok to let the tears flow until they can't flow anymore. Done....sitting in Home Depot parking lot reading your post. My plans? Decided to get up, get out. Made my mind up to repaint walls in my son's room. It's not much, but it's a start. Anything at this moment will give me a little peace of mind for a little while. I know I will have to keep myself busy.

 

[New Leaf]

HH, that’s what I did and continue to do, find projects that help keep me busy and renew and refresh my home. Body movement and goals are a good start to healing. The work of repairing holes in the wall (thanks to daughters boyfriend) and brushing a fresh coat of paint, was cathartic. It provided a physical and visual reminder to me, of my determination to keep my home peaceful. I converted a bedroom into an art and craft studio. Getting out into fresh air and gardening helps me. Daily walks too. Anything to bring new and healthy routines to fill that void. I figured out that while my two are finding themselves, I need to find myself too.
I am glad you were able to cry it out. Make time for yourself and seek ways to keep building your strength.
You matter.
Your peace at home matters.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[Tanya M]

I text back saying, I could not get caught up in his world of destruction anymore. He would have to figure this on his own. Oh my gosh, how it hurts! I have never such pain and sadnedd. Am I wrong? What do I do?

I am so proud of you!! I know how hard that was for you. That simple sentence you texted him is the beginning of changing the dynamics of your relationship with him.
As to your question if you were wrong, no, I do not think so. I think you did a very hard and loving thing. Yes, a loving thing. You love your son enough to let him go. Of course it hurts. Our mommy hearts want nothing more than to be able to swoop in and save our children from harm. The reality is, they are not little children anymore, they are grown adults and we are powerless to save them.

You have taken a big step in telling him you can no longer get caught up in his world of destruction. Don't be surprised if he keeps trying to get you to help him. It's okay to tell him no. I've been right where you are. My son has reached out to me telling me he's starving, he's going to freeze to death, he has no where to go, all his stuff was stolen, etc..... I've been on the receiving end of his rants when I've told him no. He's told me I'm a horrible mother, that I don't love him, he wished I were dead, you get the idea. It hurts to hear that from your own child but I came to understand that it's not really my son saying those things, it's his addiction and desperation, it's a grown man having a tantrum like a 2 year old because he's not getting his way.

You are doing great HH. Stay steady the course. Keep posting and keep reading posts.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Thank you Tanya M! The more I read, the better I understand what is happening now and what is to come. I am trying to build myself up, because I know it's not going to get much easier. I finally did tell one if my brothers what's going on. He was also in disbelief of the last few incidences my son has gotten into. My Mom is with the Lord and I refuse to tell my Dad. He is 83 and doesn't need to endure any added stress at his age. Yes, there will be holidays and I will just have to say he moved out and is doing ok. I don't know what the future will hold and I have turned this over to the Lord. I keep praying that God won't give up on my son and to keep him from total destruction. It is up to my son to open his heart and let God guide him. Thank you again.
HH

 

[Tanya M]

I understand you not wanting to share this with your dad but glad you felt you could with your brother.

I have a standard answer I use when people ask about my son. I say "Oh you know, he's off living his life doing what he wants" and then I change the subject.
I have learned over the years to be careful who I share information with. I've had people give me the "look", the one where they are probably thinking "she must have done something for her son to turn out this way" I've developed a thick skin and do not let what others think bother me. I know the truth and that's all that matters.

 

[Heavy hearted]

Yes, same here. I did have to call my boss, because there was NO WAY I could have worked. All I said was calling in for sick day due to personal reasons regarding my son. I have only 1 co worker that knows some of what's going on. I will continue to say he's doing his thing when asked about my son.

 

[Heartbroken mom]

Thanks for sharing all this helps me with my continued letting go with my 42 year old Homeless son

Thank you all for the support. It is so helpful to know we aren't alone