Upsetting phone call from 34yo Difficult Child

[Scent of Cedar *]

Believe me, I will keep you posted! Don't I always??

Er...yeah.

:O)

Cedar

It's the strangest thing. I don't know whether it is all this reordering childhood memories I have been doing, but it came to me this morning as I was making coffee that I require to be loved. I am strong, I am steady state; I am able to hold a line and to say no and so on. But what I require is to be loved.

I was thinking too of my children, when I thought that.

What a terrible thing this is, that has happened to all of us.

 

[Albatross]

There is a scene in "Cake" where the main character is contemplating suicide and the spirit she imagines urging her on tells her, "Choose your final thoughts carefully. They are all we get to take with us."

So she tries to fill her head with pleasant sights, smells with happy associations, etc., then realizes her dying mantra is "I was a good mother...I was a GOOD MOTHER."

That would be me, I think. Another reason why this is all so difficult. It is not just our hopes for our kids we mourn.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

This is a good thing to know, Albatross. I identified with it so strongly. We try always to tell ourselves that we are doing this, that we are standing right up and that is the way to do this and that is a good solution. The grief surrounding what has happened, the loss of everything that seemed so destined to be once our babies were born and had all their toes and were perfect ~ all that goes unacknowledged, that kind of grieving, because there is no answer for it.

And there isn't even a name for it because there is blame and responsibility and accusation and regret and it takes so long to get through that.

This is really terrible to post on Seeking's thread, I know. Apologies in advance please, Seeking. But I was thinking about this very thing this morning. About what it feels like for our sons to disregard us, or to look at us with that look in their eyes; or for our daughters to come to us for solutions to problems we could never know the answers to and cannot believe are happening to anyone we know, let alone someone we love. About what it feels like to wonder about manipulation and love and where they meet and what that is and whether we ever come back from that place.

D H and I were talking about that too the other night. About anticipation where kids and grands and family are concerned. About the cost to each of us and to all of us as a family, in those numerous holidays or birthday celebrations or Father's Days that have gone unmarked for so long that you begin not to miss them, those people that you love.

We don't even know what we would do, how that would feel, where it would go, if our son were to come home for a visit, now.

It is sad to know those things, but it fades, over time. We have a different set of routines, now. We enjoy different things, and we barely know our son or grands, when you get right down to it.

Our daughter is coming with three of our grands on Monday.

We were just able to spend time with Baklava grand.

But...I don't know how to feel about our son and his anger and his cold eyes and his children that I love but do not know.

Cedar

 

[SeekingStrength]

No apologies, all that you guys write helps me. Albatross' post from Cake brought a lump to my throat.

Cedar, so happy you will see some grand kids this Monday.

I try to push that feeling of loss away. One of these days, I will surely have to plunge right in and get through it somehow.

My jerk of a Difficult Child was a sweetheart when he was young.

I think back on it so often, about what happened, how did it happen, could it have been prevented.....and, then I have to stop because the grieving begins again and i'm so sick of it.

and i was a GOOD MOTHER.

 

[Lioness]

This. He has exhausted the kindness of most everybody that we know he knows.

Thank you, Cedar and RE, for checking. Nothing new has happened. No knocks on our door in the middle of the night.

So, we wait... and each hour gets a little easier.....and, when we are feeling really safe....we know what might happen. I alerted my mom (biggest enabler in the family) yesterday and our other two adult kids. Who knows where he might show?

A few weeks ago, a forum member posted that she was not sure she still loved her Difficult Child. I so wanted to reach out to her because I just knew that was skewed thinking. But, you know, I get that feeling. Sure, deep down in my gut, I love Difficult Child for the sweet memories. But, love him today? I pray several times a day for him, I wish him the best, but love him right now? As horrible as it sounds, I do not feel like I can.

Thanks again.

Believe me, I will keep you posted! Don't I always??

Thinking about you and my heart goes out to you. The waiting must be terrible. Why do our kids torture us so? What happened to them?

 

[blackgnat]

My heart is right there with you, too.

Sometimes you just think about it all and it's just too damn big for your head-how the HELL did it get this way?

Of COURSE you were a good mother and you still are! The problems that these DCs lay at our feet are ENORMOUSLY difficult to endure and to offer help and solace with. I don't believe anyone can bear it alone-that's why we are all here.

With you in spirit and sending prayers for strength and hope over the airwaves.

 

[Albatross]

I think back on it so often, about what happened, how did it happen, could it have been prevented.....and, then I have to stop because the grieving begins again and i'm so sick of it.

I do this too, and the grieving and puzzling begins all over again and I have to stop. It's like I keep asking myself the same old questions over and over, but all I can accept are the same answers I've offered a million times before. Who is going to let us off the hook, if not ourselves? So we learn to just accept that it happened because it happened. There IS no why or how.

SS, I have been wondering how you and Mr. SS are doing. Hope all is calm for you both.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thanks for checking.
husband and I got out of town yesterday and are about to head home.

We had fun and then......Difficult Child called my phone 3X and his dad's one time. He got a friend (his only friend, I believe) to call his dad and me. Then the friend texted each of us, "Difficult Child needs to talk to you."

When I asked husband if he was okay with us sending Difficult Child a message about not contacting us, husband solemnly nodded.

I typed it out, husband agreed, clicked SEND and blocked Difficult Child's #. husband has not blocked his #.

Told him to please not contact us, we will call the police if he comes on our property, he is a smart 34yo who can figure out how to live, he has been too mean to us for too long, there are lots of resources out there, but we are not one of them....

husband feels certain Difficult Child will be very persistent and not dissuaded by our very firm text. We will continue to be strong, although I may need more props from you than ever.

SS

 

[Echolette]

Ah, SS. Those are hard moments, no matter how correct the message and no matter how sure you are. I'm sure that was a hard moment for you and husband. I"m glad you were together, and able to arrive at the decision and send the message together.

I hope husband is wrong about Difficult Child's persistence. If he is right, though, you know we are always here waiting to prop you up in these difficult processes.

Good luck, and tight hugs,

Echo

 

[Childofmine]

Echoing what Echo said (small joke there).

Seriously, you are doing what is very very hard to do, and you've clearly walked a long road and a hard journey.

I am so thankful you and your husband are together, strong, and on the same page with this.

Keep remembering he is 34 and like you said, if not now, then when?

Blessings and peace for you on this holiday weekend.

 

[SeekingStrength]

I had left out the part about what a hard thing that text was, even KNOWING it had to be sent and were words that probably should have been said a decade ago.

There was a momentary feeling of THERE, GOOD, THAT'S DONE after hitting the SEND button, followed by angst and worry and guilt.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement.

SS

 

[okie girl]

So sorry SS. I am right there with you. I have blocked my sons number also. I felt like I had to keep my sanity. My Difficult Child is 43 and acts like he is 16. He is currently homeless and has a felony warrant out for him. I have tried and tried to help him but nothing has worked. He will probably go to prison but at least I will know where he is. This is a road he has to travel. I'm tired of feeling guilty. Hope you can have a good holiday weekend. Hugs.

 

[Albatross]

There was a momentary feeling of THERE, GOOD, THAT'S DONE after hitting the SEND button, followed by angst and worry and guilt.

Oh SS, I'm sorry. I am sure it was so hard to hit that send button, even though you know it was the right thing to do, and really the ONLY thing to do.

People change. It happens every day. But it didn't happen this time; you know that. If things were different this time, the contact from him wouldn't have gone down the way it did. He is in a bind and needs someone to rescue him and has nowhere else to turn. We've all seen this part of the show before.

Maybe someday he will GET it. I so hope and pray that he does, that he sprouts a new frontal lobe or whatever it is that they are lacking when they think it is okay to treat their PARENTS, the ones who put up will all their CRAP all these YEARS, the way they have -- and still expect us to line up for more.

But he's not there now, SS.

Told him to please not contact us, we will call the police if he comes on our property, he is a smart 34yo who can figure out how to live, he has been too mean to us for too long, there are lots of resources out there, but we are not one of them....

I love this, SS. I love that you told him "No more...and I know you can do it." That faith in him is such a precious gift, whether he realizes it or not. I believe that even if our faith never strengthens them, it definitely strengthens us.

I'm so glad you and Mr. SS got to get away for a couple of days. Hoping you have a peaceful and festive holiday weekend.

 

[Tanya M]

Hi SS, just now getting caught up on your post. So sorry you have been having to deal with this.

Me: Well, perhaps you have not been honest with them.

No, Mom, YOU be honest!

It's amazing how similar our Difficult Child can be. I have had this same conversation with my son on more than one occasion. When they don't get the reaction from us they want or we call them out they always want to turn it around on us, blame us and try to make us feel guilty.
You handled it very well.

I looked out the window to make sure all the tires are not slashed.

I can so relate to this. When I knew my Difficult Child was within a 4 hour radius of our house every morning when I would open the drapes on the slider to our backyard I would have that sick feeling that he would be standing there.
It's such an awful feeling to not feel safe in our home and for the reason to be our own child.

You are well prepared for how to deal with him including calling the cops if need be.

Sending hugs and wishing for peace and calm to settle over you.

 

[SeekingStrength]

Thank you for centering husband and me. There are always those hours after "an incident" that are so difficult. It gets better, but we certainly appreciate your guidance and support.

 

[tryagain]

SS, I hope today was better. It is the hardest thing on earth, going against our natural loving maternal instincts. I'm thinking of you and praying you will find the "strength" you "seek".

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Seeking, I have been away from P.E. and missed your update.

We had fun and then......Difficult Child called my phone 3X and his dad's one time. He got a friend (his only friend, I believe) to call his dad and me. Then the friend texted each of us, "Difficult Child needs to talk to you."

So you know he has someone.

That is such good information to know.

It could be that the friend has been faced with the decision of helping D C, or turning him away. The story now will be: You two are the villain. I am sorry this is happening where you live, near your neighbors and your church and your work. That's okay, Seeking. You have been through worse with this child. If he comes through this and straightens up, you will have your son back. If he doesn't come through this, you will not want him back.

There are programs out there to help him.

So, it is good to stay the course.

It's possible that the friend will be able to set believable boundaries
D C understands and will abide by. This will give D C that slim chance at recovering his life.

It helped me to remember that what I had already done hadn't worked. Doing those same things a second, third, or fourth time was not going to help. It is a very, very hard thing to say "NO".

It is harder still to stick with "NO".

But I think that is the only way the kids seem able to stand up.

There comes a desperate, nightmarish edge when that is all we know.

D H and I have come back from that place with both kids. There is much hurt and puzzlement from daughter, and ~ I don't know. A kind of contemptuous resentment, from our son. Like you and your D H too Seeking those feelings from our children are part of the fallout of addiction. Things have happened to them we cannot imagine, and turned them hard and bitter. Our children are in bad trouble. If helping worked, they would never have found themselves where they are.

It is very hard to remember this.

Nothing about what you are doing is easy.

We are right here.

Cedar

 

[pasajes4]

It does not feel safe to love my son. He uses it to twist things to his advantage. If I love him, I would xyz. It is that love that turns into guilt, and the cycle begins again.

I hate that I can now see him as he truly is.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thinking of you SS. Sending a big hug to you and your husband.
You did so well. And, it's so hard.
We're here if you need us.......

 

[blackgnat]

I so admire you for being able to do that.

I'm just not there yet. I hate myself for not being there and I'm thinking that this is why I can only function 1,000 miles away from Difficult Child.

You are SO strong! Please acknowledge that to yourself! I can't even imagine the strength it takes.