Upsetting phone call from 34yo Difficult Child

[Scent of Cedar *]

It does not feel safe to love my son. He uses it to twist things to his advantage. If I love him, I would xyz. It is that love that turns into guilt, and the cycle begins again.

I hate that I can now see him as he truly is.

This is a beautiful, clearly written description of all of our positions relative to our addicted dysfunctional kids.

It does not feel safe to love them, but we do; we make the choice and take the risk of believing, one more time until something unbreakable in us breaks. They hate us for what we do for them and they hate us for all we do not do for them and they hate us for where they are in their lives.

And we keep seeing their faces when they were little, and remembering what it was to hold them, newly born.

We are living in torture, in a way.

I don't know how we survive it; I know that in so many ways we do not survive it. I think we do come back from it, come back from living in emotional turmoil and, not to be too dorky here (no more than usual, right guys? :O) ) lives of varying intensities of pain.

And grief.

I think I might be grieving in multiple layers comprised of different times and all sort of mushed together. This is steady state for me, after years and years of trauma. No big deal, until something breaks loose.

Then we are in danger of the whole, so carefully erected sculpture tumbling down.

Cedar

Your post hit a chord with me, pasa.

Holding you in my thoughts, pasa.

 

[SeekingStrength]

I am not so strong. This happened because of 15 yrs of emotional and verbal abuse. It has not been even 48 hrs since those calls. It was painful because it felt like saying goodbye to any chance of a relationship with Difficult Child. Though, there has been no real relationship for those 15 yrs. Difficult Child would text or call and husband and I would say to each other, Ok, get ready, Difficult Child is about to ask for something. And, guess what. The request would come within a few hours.

So you know he has someone.

No. It sounded that way from what I posted. This is a friend of Difficult Child's from high school. He is on disability and lives with his dad. The friend's dad deals with mental illness and told husband and me years ago, when we met him on a walk, that Difficult Child can never stay there because of Difficult Child's mental illness. So, yes, it is good that Difficult Child has this one friend left standing, but the friend has issues of his own and (I am sorry to say this), serves the role as a pawn for Difficult Child.

If he comes through this and straightens up, you will have your son back. If he doesn't come through this, you will not want him back.

Absolutely and most definitely. Thank you for putting it so succinctly. Totally reality and husband and I needed to see that written out in b & w.


SS

 

[SeekingStrength]

....and, wouldn't you know? I called my parents' # today. Dad answered and told me that my mother is wiring Difficult Child money tomorrow. He did not relay much except to tell me Difficult Child told my mom he is sleeping in a park.

My dad recognizes that Difficult Child is after enabling, and enabling, only. He disagrees with my mom's decision. They are 83 and 84yo.

This is between my mom and Difficult Child. It most likely slows down any progress that might have come down the road for Difficult Child. (who knows if it was really on the horizon?) My mom is currently not speaking to me (unrelated issue), so it is very easy for me to stay uninvolved.

And who guessed dysfunctionalism might twine throughout a family???? I have certainly never seen that scenario mentioned before.

Sigh.

Our A/C went out today -- in the 90's.

Tomorrow will be better!

SS

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

The mix of emotion that happens when our D C successfully plead their cases with relatives is a whole new kind of awkward.

Just when you think you have been shamed and defeated in every way there is, something like that happens and you realize there are places inside where you haven't been pillaged yet, after all.

Down they go.

You and your D H are standing in the fire of it, now. I am sure it feels rotten, but you are doing a good job of staying steady state.

I am sorry this is happening.

Cedar

 

[Echolette]

It does stink. I always feel judged and found wanting when some one else steps in to help Difficult Child, even when I know that their efforts will be for naught. There is of course also the embarassment factor of knowing that Difficult Child will either let them down or actively take advantage of them, and there is nothing we can do about it. I feel your pain today, SS.

Hugs,

Echo

 

[recoveringenabler]

Thinking of you SS. Hope the AC is back on!
Sending big hugs.

 

[Childofmine]

SS, I know you know that you can't control what other people do, and your parents are going to do whatever they do.

And you know, that's okay.

Who are we to say what anybody else should do? Who are we to know what is best? We can only even begin to think about what is best for us.

And that is a full time job, leaving no free time for any of us to take on part-time jobs of dealing with other people's lives.

Yesterday, in one of the best Al-Anon meetings EVER, we talked about Letting Go and Letting God, and we talked about Take What you Like and Leave the Rest.

One man, a very strong Type A, bulldog type of man, from the midwest, talked about his own transformation through Al-Anon. He talked about how he used to think he knew what was best for everybody and how he was a jerk about letting you know what you ought to be doing, and then if you didn't, he'd stick around to say I told you so. He talked about how wrong he had been all along, and how many people he had alienated, including his own three sons. Today, he says, he believes several things: Rejection and things not working out as we had hoped means...our Higher Power is protecting us from a bad situation. A situation we didn't need to get into anyway. Today, when people come to him venting about things going wrong, he listens, and then says, I'm sure you will figure that out. You are smart.

He talked about relatives who call and like to gloat about other relatives having troubles, especially the one cousin whose son got a DUI and then called to talk about an Uncle who is in jail after a night of partying and getting his own DUI. He talked about loving that cousin anyway, taking what he likes about that person, what he values about that person, and letting go of the bad behavior of gossiping.

The whole meeting was reinforcement that I just need to mind my own business.

I talked about Saturday, the 4th, when Difficult Child was here with his girlfriend (ahem) and easy child and fiancee and husband's daughter. We cooked out. Difficult Child tossed this one out: I might have to borrow some money from dad for my rent because I'm going to be short.

He had already texted me the same thing the night before. I hadn't responded. So he tried again, in person.

I didn't say anything. Oh, I felt all of the tension and pressure and direction he intended. But I was able to practice what I have learned, that time. I already had a plan for myself during the cookout---Difficult Child wasn't going to get me aside and talk about "how things are going?" I have a bad habit of wanting to do that, so I can maybe feel better...feel worse...have some control...need to know. I had decided I wasn't going to even go there. That's how I get hooked.

So, because of that plan, I was able to say nothing, this time.

And then, lo and behold, Difficult Child said, well, I've got a couple of extra jobs working on cars with my boss and I'm hoping I can get enough with my paycheck that i won't have to borrow any money.

And still I didn't say anything.

And then husband said: Well, I have two stumps that need to be dug out. Do you want to do that, and I'll pay you? (mind you, this is my husband, his stepdad).

I said nothing.

Difficult Child said: Well, yeah. I'll do that. How much?

husband said: How much will you charge?

Difficult Child said: I don't know.

husband said: How about $50?

Then my easy child broke in and said, Difficult Child, how much would a company charge to do this? (not minding his own business, you see).

I said nothing.

Difficult Child said: I have no idea.

husband said: Well, how much do you want?

Difficult Child sheepishly said: How about $100.

husband said: No. Too much.

Back and forth. They agreed on $75.

I didn't have to do one single thing. And without my acting, a boundary was set. Difficult Child knows that he can get $75 extra right here. After the work is done. I don't have to think any more about should I help? What should I say? After all...yada, yada, yada.

Let go and Let God. God works through other people all the time. This time I watched him work without doing anything.

It is truly amazing to learn a new way of behaving, and then, having a chance to practice it...and then, actually being able to carry it all the way through, and then, watching the new solution emerge. A much healthier solution. It reinforces me to continue to stay the course, of working on myself.

Momentum. It's an amazing thing.

 

[AppleCori]

SS--

I'm sorry that you are going through this with your son again.

My point about the cars was to point out how frivolous his complaints sound. Even if you had paid for both his and his sister's vehicles, it would be almost impossible for both cars to be exactly the same in value, looks, etc.

And he wants reparations????

Gimme a break!

COM--

Wow. I am so impressed with your Difficult Child's progress!

Your hubby is helping to teach him a valuable lesson--you need money, you work for it. Your default position is not to 'borrow' money (borrow means not having to pay it back in Difficult Child speak). And your Difficult Child may just be ready to internalize that lesson!