Urgent—32 year old bipolar daughter pregnant and may be homeless

[Denise2017]

Hello all,

I wrote in 2017 when my daughter was asking to move in once more, and I received a lot of support. Thank you all so much.

The situation has gotten much worse. She is pregnant and living in a motel with a cheating boyfriend.

The backstory is below. She says she wants to have an abortion today and then stay with me. I want her to have the abortion because she has never been able to take care of herself, ever, let alone a baby.

She has threatened in the past that she has a right to live with me and I would have to evict her to get her out.

I have been advised not to let her come here and not to pay for her.

She has been through numerous live-in boyfriends. All caring guys who tried to take care of her. She broke their hearts and left each one.

Most recently she was living with my ex-husband and had a young man over (against the rules.) They had a fight and the police were called. She was banned from his building by her landlord.

At one point she punched my ex-husband and broke his glasses.

There is much more...

She is on disability. I have no idea if she is taking medication. She needs a place to live.

My ex and her sister and I have suggested a hospital with a walk-in mental health clinic near her. She says she does not want to be "put away" by her family.

Can anyone recommend resources in Westchester or Long Island, NY? She is a NY resident.

This is killing me. Any guidance is very much appreciated. Many thanks in advance.

 

[Blindsided]

Can anyone recommend resources in Westchester or Long Island, NY? She is a NY resident.

This is killing me.

My 41 y/o daughter is same, minus the pregnancy. She has been enabled by rich men and now she is 41 and hasn't learned to survive on her own. Anyway, the one thing I know for sure, she can never live with us. I can't even make it through a conversation without great anxiety. Its impossible to reason with those who do not accept responsibility for their choices, and continuing the cycle is not helpful to anyone.

My daughter lives in another state, so I searched for all the resources available there and called each one. I wanted answers for me, so when the call or text comes, I have workable resources that offer help for her to live independently. I am not abandoning her, I am removing myself as a source of enabling and offering resources to people who are willing to help her find herself. We are obviously not prepared to deal with these mental disorders.

My thoughts are with you. I wish you the strength to keep the boundaries so you can all move forward. Keep us posted.

 

[Denise2017]

Thank you dear Blindsided for your kind and supportive reply. I especially appreciate the reading list here in your bio.

Thank you so much for comment about keeping boundaries. I think that is my life lesson.

Like you, I can not make it through a conversation with my daughter without great anxiety. When I see her name on the phone, my stomach goes into a knot. I never know who I will get on the other end of the line. Or, if the "nice" daughter is there, at what moment will she spin into the violent, manipulative daughter?

It's been a long, long day and it's only 3:30 in the afternoon. This started at 5:30 am. No resolution yet. Working as a family we directed her to Planned Parenthood. I believe she went but evidently now she is an NJ resident, not a NY resident (previous boyfriend, I don't have any idea how she got NJ status) so NY will not help her.

The current boyfriend/father seems to "afraid" to drive her to NJ Planned Parenthood since she beat him up this week.

I understand that this is a controversial thread because it involves a mentally ill pregnant person. We found out today that this would be her third abortion. And she told me this week that she thought she was infertile. So that gives some idea of what we are dealing with here.

She has never held a job for more than a month or so, and can not live with anyone. Recently we put here in a situation where she had a private space but had to share a bathroom. That didn't even last one night.

So she is completely unable to take care of herself, no less another human. I have had the dog she abandoned for 11 years. (I truly love hm and consider him a gift.) At 69, and in a declining financial position, I am not able to care for her or children that she might bring. There are no other family members who can care for her either, and not surprisingly she has alienated (hit, cursed, frightened) just about everyone.

I dialed 211 and then then texted the NAMI crisis line which I found in a post here on the site. They were very helpful and sent some resources. I am able to call then again if needed.

CALL THE NAMI HELPLINE
800-950-6264
OR, IN A CRISIS? TEXT NAMI TO 741741
NAMI: National Alliance on Mental Illness

At present we are taking a break and trying to restore our energy.

I will post anything that may helps in similar situations.

Thank you so much for your wise, empathic and kind advice. I wish you strength, peace and calm and happiness.

 

[BusynMember1]

All states offer group home living for the mentally ill. She has a head start since she is already on Disability which means somewhere she has a Case Manager. And Medicare which goes with Disability and often Medicaid too.

You can not force her to live in a group home but at least you can explain them. I think they have their own rooms, at least where I live. Then...if you show your daughter all of her resources, it is up to her to decide to use them. My daughter will not go for help or even admit she needs any. I can't make her do anything. All I can do is hope she feels my prayers and healing light and decides to get help.

We are in hard situations, aren't we? Don't you wish you could snap your fingers and change things?

But we can't and we have wonderful years left to enjoy. Don't we deserve that?

Blessings and love sent.

 

[MissLulu]

Denise, I have no practical advice - I'm in Australia and our system is quite different here - but I just wanted to chime in to voice my support.

I'm a similar situation with my adult son (24), who currently lives with me but not for much longer. (My son isn't physically violent but can be verbally abusive.)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am slowly learning to put my own needs and the needs of my husband and other children first.

It's hard when you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill, however I am learning that the only person who can truly help my son is himself. It's the same for your daughter. We can lead them to services and to help, but unless they accept that there is a problem and choose to do the work (take the medications, do the therapy, whatever...) there is nothing we can do to change things.

It sounds like you have good support around you, which helps. Take care, and keep posting here. I find it helps immensely.

 

[ChickPea]

Like you, I can not make it through a conversation with my daughter without great anxiety. When I see her name on the phone, my stomach goes into a knot. I never know who I will get on the other end of the line. Or, if the "nice" daughter is there, at what moment will she spin into the violent, manipulative daughter?

Same.

I was in a similar situation, and now I am raising my grandson. My daughter's mental health is not good. There are some resources (here), but she doesn't like the structure, and refuses to give up her freedoms to utilize them.

Yes, we deserve wonderful years, yes we should enjoy them. I hope you can find some boundaries and resources that allow you some peace in this situation.

Are there any resources through the SSI?

 

[BusynMember1]

There are resources if one is on Disability.

 

[Denise2017]

Denise, I have no practical advice - I'm in Australia and our system is quite different here - but I just wanted to chime in to voice my support.

I'm a similar situation with my adult son (24), who currently lives with me but not for much longer. (My son isn't physically violent but can be verbally abusive.)

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am slowly learning to put my own needs and the needs of my husband and other children first.

It's hard when you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill, however I am learning that the only person who can truly help my son is himself. It's the same for your daughter. We can lead them to services and to help, but unless they accept that there is a problem and choose to do the work (take the medications, do the therapy, whatever...) there is nothing we can do to change things.

It sounds like you have good support around you, which helps. Take care, and keep posting here. I find it helps immensely.

 

[Denise2017]

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I am having a little trouble using the site, I think because I am very stressed.

I want to thank everyone for their support.

Resources and boundaries. That is what I am hearing.

However she must be willing to use the resources.

She is acting a very wide online net to anyone she has ever known.

I will continue to review the resources.

Thank you so much for you energy and care. I will wish you strength, calm and peace.

 

[Denise2017]

There are resources if one is on Disability.

Thank you. Good advice. I will investigate resources, she must be willing to use them.

Thank you so much for your kind reply. I will wish you strength, calm and peace.

 

[Deni D]

Denise, I'm so sorry to read about your's and your daughters situation.

I believe she went but evidently now she is an NJ resident, not a NY resident (previous boyfriend, I don't have any idea how she got NJ status) so NY will not help her.

If she's still living close to NJ, with this NJ status, you could try calling Bridgeway ~ https://www.bridgewayrehab.org/contact.html# . I think they are affiliated with NAMI. Under services it lists programs by county, they do overlap to the extent that someone in one county can be supported in a different county depending on their need. I don't know if they are affiliated with any organizations in NY, but it's worth a try to tell them about your daughters situation and ask.

Most importantly if you can get her to the point where she gets a case worker the case worker can help guide her. There's not much you can do but they do know how to work with mentally ill people to help them. She, of course, has to be willing.

She has threatened in the past that she has a right to live with me and I would have to evict her to get her out.

This is true, in NJ anyway, actually it's a bit more involved with the courts because she wouldn't actually be a tenant, as in paying rent. It's a similar process though. In my town people are told, by the police, they have to go through an eviction process to have someone removed from their home after they have been there for 24 hours, tenant or not.

All of the above is pretty rough, but add to it that you have a potentially violent daughter and it seems her removal from your house would most likely end up as an emergency restraining order. Not something any parent would want to do. Your not allowing her in your house seems like the best for both you and her.

My ex and her sister and I have suggested a hospital with a walk-in mental health clinic near her. She says she does not want to be "put away" by her family.

My experience and understanding of these clinics is they are really good for people who have been in the hospital for a continuance of care afterward. But if someone just tries to make an appointment they will be given an appointment months out. I really wish she would check herself in because if she did she would get help with medication and wrap around services. Hopefully the right medication, that's a crap shoot still these days.

Wish I could give you better advice, news, as it were but it all depends on her, if she is willing to do what she needs to do for herself.

The good news is there really are resources out there for people who want them.

 

[Denise2017]

Same.

I was in a similar situation, and now I am raising my grandson. My daughter's mental health is not good. There are some resources (here), but she doesn't like the structure, and refuses to give up her freedoms to utilize them.

Yes, we deserve wonderful years, yes we should enjoy them. I hope you can find some boundaries and resources that allow you some peace in this situation.

Are there any resources through the SSI?

Thank you so much for your caring reply. My daughter is fairly aggressive and creates a major amount of chaos.

We have suggested numerous resources but she rejects them, and asks for money.

I am going to discuss this with my therapist. I am at the point where I need to save my myself and help protect my other family members.

Thank you so much for you energy and care. I will wish you strength, calm and peace.

 

[Denise2017]

Denise, I'm so sorry to read about your's and your daughters situation.

If she's still living close to NJ, with this NJ status, you could try calling Bridgeway ~ https://www.bridgewayrehab.org/contact.html# .

The good news is there really are resources out there for people who want them.

Dear Deni,

Thank you so much for the excellent add very succinct and practical advice.

I am learning how to use the quote system here and I have left a small part of your quote above so other people can see the resource.

A cousin who is a social worker sent me this very good-seeming resource today, and although my daughter rejected it, it may help someone else. This is for Long Island. This is a mobile crisis network that will come to the person in need and also provides follow-up. https://www.nassaucountyny.gov/1700/Crisis-Hotline-Services—

The Team comes to you!

The Mobile Crisis team consists of licensed professional social workers and nurses who are specially trained to help individuals, and their families, with mental health problems.

If you or a family member is experiencing a mental health crisis call the Team. Social workers and nurses travel to homes, schools, work-sites and other locations in Nassau County.

The Team responds in the same day and provides supportive crisis intervention for children and adults who are experiencing an emotional disturbance, interpersonal crisis or psychiatric emergency.

Calling the Team is an alternative to calling the police or driving to a psychiatric emergency room when an individual is in crisis.

Team members assess individuals in their environment and evaluate their psychological condition.

The Team will make a referral to the most appropriate program, resource or facility to ensure the safety and wellbeing of the individual.

In addition, the Team will follow up on all referrals to ensure that they took place, and to assist with any barriers or obstacles to getting treatment.
.....
There may be similar services for other places. My daughter says she knows about it and is afraid they will out her in a group home, where in my opinion, she probably would be able to get the services she needs.

I agree with your assessment. Thank you for you practical and clear reply.

For now I will work with my therapist, my family and lawyer to protect myself while helping her as much as we are able. It's a "put your own oxygen mask on first situation at this point".

This community is an amazing, supportive help. I have recommended to others.

Thank you so much Deni. I wish you strength, calm, peace and happiness.

 

[Nomad]

I only perused. Apologies as this is a critical situation that takes more time. but I see great replies and I can concur that I won’t allow our daughter with the same illness yours has to live in my home again. Ever. Very sad. It’s 24/7 constant chaos. It’s too hard on me. I would contact NAMI if you haven’t already. I understand NY is one of the better states in terms of mental health housing and care. I would gather every phone number you can for assistance for her. Perhaps set her in the right direction.

consider...getting her a cell phone for emergencies if she doesn’t already have one.

Set boundaries. If she is abusive ...set more. If it worsens...block her for awhile.Do not tolerate abuse.

Very sadly/ tragically, an abortion might be appropriate in this case. I would consider paying for that if and only if it’s not against your beliefs and you take her there and directly pay.

Review...I personally would say no to her moving back into the home. Set boundaries. Get her numbers to every agency that might be of help. Get a good contact at NAMI. Consider helping her get a phone if she doesn’t already have one. I believe you said you have a therapist? If so...this is great. Might call for an extra appointment. this has to be very stressful. Stay strong. Good luck.

 

[Denise2017]

Dear Nomad, thank you so much for your excellent and considered reply.

This is extremely debilitating. She stops for a while and then asked me again to rescue her. She does have a phone... i live in general fear of seeing her name on my phone...

I have sent her numerous resources which she rejects. I will reach out to NAMI right now. I may very well take you advice and take her for the procedure myself. It would not be the first time...

She can not take care of herself and she can not care for another human.

We are on the same page. I did ask for an extra therapist appointment last week and I can't wait to get back this week.

I apologize for the short response. I am emotionally exhausted. I will look into NAMi now.

With thanks and wishes for calm, peace and happiness in your life.

 

[Nomad]

Side note for Future consideration...
One of the best things we ever did was put our Difficult Child on birth control. We pay her to go to the gynocologist. We pay for the BC shot. Then on top of all that, we pay her some money for taking the shot as a gift. She simply won’t use BC otherwise. Many Difficult Child young women simply don’t. It’s upsetting. We thwart much sorrow. It’s been a successful situation. I suppose we are fortunate she cooperates.

 

[Copabanana]

Dear Denise

Denise. I live in the other side of the country so know nothing about specific resources where your daughter lives.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this impossibly difficult situation. I think you've received good counsel, resources and support. I wanted to add one thing. I am not an attorney but I am wondering if there is a competency issue here.

since she beat him up this week.

In my state, this action alone could bring about involuntary hospitalization due to "danger to others."

So she is completely unable to take care of herself, no less another human. I have had the dog she abandoned for 11 years. (I truly love hm and consider him a gift.) At 69, and in a declining financial position, I am not able to care for her or children that she might bring. There are no other family members who can care for her either, and not surprisingly she has alienated (hit, cursed, frightened) just about everyone.

There seems to be a pattern of escalating violent behavior over which she seems to have insufficient control.

I have been reading about elderly people whose family members make decisions for them about contraception and protection. I wondered why. If adult children can make decisions for their elderly parent, why can't an elderly parent make this kind of decision for an adult child with serious mental illness.

In my town there is free legal help at Superior Court every morning. I am wondering if you could ask around to find out about the actual legal situation you and she are in.

I am wondering if due to her level of mental illness, that family members could help her make reproductive decisions. I would urge you to call County Emergency Services and/or the Police every single time she is violent or threatens violence. In the long run this will help her and help others around her.

I will say what I think, which is line with what you post: if she is violent and can't care for herself, is unstable and dependent, how in the world can she parent a child? How is anybody served by permitting her to bear children who she can't parent? My adopted son's birth mother had had 4 children before he was born. He was taken away at 2 weeks when she threatened to flush him down the toilet. Don't children, born and unborn. have any rights? How is it wrong to call it what it is?

I support you 100 percent. I wish it wasn't so very hard. Love.

 

[BusynMember1]

We have no ability to stop anyone from conceiving. It is considered I believe a Civil Rights issue. A dear friend of mine is a foster parent and works with children and their parents. Some of the parents are prostitutes with six drug exposed children, but nobody ever makes a move to stop the woman from being able to reproduce. The best the Government can do is remove a child at birth, under very specific circumstances, and they do try hard to place these kids with family. The mothers are not jailed for producing multiple drug exposed children for child abuse.

I think Nomad actually did what we have the power to do. And she is lucky that her daughter agrees. Nomad, I wish my daughter would have agreed to such an arrangement.

The severely mentally ill are allowed to have children. Many do. I am not sure if certain people with severe cognitive disabilities can be stopped from having children against their will. I doubt it, but I really don't know.

Our mentally ill population can only receive treatment if they consent. This even includes severe schizophrenia. And they can have kids, right or wrong. Since there is no way to test scientifically for mental illness....perhaps that makes this a more slippery slope?

You have my heartfelt prayers. Again. I wish our hands were not tied.

 

[JMom]

HI Denise,

I am just curious if she has been offered a semi-permanent procedure like tubal ligation to prevent future pregnancies. I am so very sorry that you have to weigh such tragic decisions. The child suffers either way. I will pray fervently for your daughter and for your strength in dealing with her. Here in Texas (as someone mentioned above) if the police are told that she presents a danger to herself and others (even the unborn child), they do a mental health warrant. It is similar to being arrested, but they take her to a hospital for a 72 hour hold. They are generally put on medications and released, but O think in more severe cases, they put them in long term care, Permission is not required.

I have a niece that adopted 2 drug addicted children. They have so many illnesses, it truly takes a village to raise them. Their mother continues to do meth and have children. I am all about civil rights but like someone else said; what about the lives of all these babes people bring into this world? There has to be a line where one's rights end when it infringes on everyone else. I do hope there is very specific legislation to help mentally ill or addicted women to have options that families can be a part of. Not sure if I am making any sense. I guess I am thinking these kids are our family and we are somewhat responsible for them, we need tools to work with, Preventing unwanted pregnancies, in my opinion, would help the mentally ill (addicted) person, the unborn and the family.

I sure hope this works out for you. Don't beat yourself up. You are dealing with some really tough stuff with far reaching consequences. I think anything you do at this point has already been given consideration and is the right thing for your family. I do support other's opinion that you would be better off keeping your current boundary of not having her at home.

Super big hugs, You are not alone! Please keep us updated.

Jmom

 

[Denise2017]

I will say what I think, which is line with what you post: if she is violent and can't care for herself, is unstable and dependent, how in the world can she parent a child?

sure hope this works out for you. Don't beat yourself up. You are dealing with some really tough stuff with far reaching consequences.

Side note for Future consideration...
One of the best things we ever did was put our Difficult Child on birth control. We pay her to go to the gynocologist. We pay for the BC shot. Then on top of all that, we pay her some money for taking the shot as a gift. She simply won’t use BC otherwise. Many Difficult Child young women simply don’t. It’s upsetting. We thwart much sorrow. It’s been a successful situation. I suppose we are fortunate she cooperates.

Our mentally ill population can only receive treatment if they consent.

Thank you dear Copabanana, Nomad, JMom, BusynMember for your kind and thoughtful replies. My apologies for being MIA. We have spent every waking hour over the past two weeks texting, calling services, researching and more researching and reading the detachment article and going to the therapist. We have called NAMI, crisis lines and found something very good that NY State has called Health Homes, which are not homes, but coordinated care programs for the mentally ill, or physically ill. Maybe this will help someone. They have this in NJ too...maybe other states as well. CBC – Coordinated Behavioral Care

The pregnancy is gone. It was sad and traumatic for everyone. But as you say above, she can not care for herself no less a child.

The saga continues as she is still living in the Inn, on our money, and we don't have much more to give her. Someone said she is a the most entitled homeless person they have ever encountered.

She does not seem to accept that she needs therapy and help that we can not give her. And because she is almost 33, she must sign up for any program herself. We can not do that for her.

She keeps asking to live with me but I am holding my ground. After she threatened to move in until I evicted her...that was the end of my open door.

We are hoping to avoid her going to a shelter, but she needs to help. Get a job. Find an apartment which we will finance for a month or two...there is a clean YMCA where she can live, in a nice, local city, but she thinks its too dangerous...

Very hard. Very exhausting.

Thank you all so much for your care, energy, love and support.

I will send an update.
Denise