Urgent—32 year old bipolar daughter pregnant and may be homeless

[Copabanana]

This is all very like with my son who has squatted in the yard of a rental home that I own, basically forcing me to call the police on him, getting an order of trespass and thinking about a restraining order. It's better now, because he's in a sober living home. He only went because I stopped buying food for him. Any food.

After she threatened to move in until I evicted her...that was the end of my open door.

My son did this too. He arranged to receive mail at the address to try to establish legal residency, so that I would be forced to evict him. Many times, he has refused to leave. And articulated that I would have to force him. No good deed goes unpunished.

Find an apartment which we will finance for a month or two...there is a clean YMCA where she can live, in a nice, local city, but she thinks its too dangerous...

My son does this too. Happily, he will live homeless, while stating that the homeless shelter is too dangerous. Or now, in the Sober Living Home he says the house manager uses Meth. I told him, work it out, because you're not coming back to the house. I told him I rented it already to somebody else. I thought I had, but it fell through.

What I am saying here is that sooner or later your daughter will have to live according to the effort she puts in and according to what is her bottom line. This is the most painful thing I have gone through in a lifetime of pain. Accepting this. That my son must live according to his own inner abilities and needs.

For the children who bring us here, our support does not help them. Only the support they will access on their own, through mental health, drug treatment, 12 step groups, government benefits. Through services like these they actually build for themselves a true support network.

Somehow they experience what we do as enmeshment, that they need to undue or sabotage, and they seem to use our support, to further bad habits. I have found that the cost of this has been considerable, to me and to my son.

I think you are doing all of the right things, trying to identify resources and services that your daughter can reach out to and depend upon, independent of you. But the reality is that we can't make them do this, or sustain it, and we must learn to tolerate it if they do not.

That has been the hardest part for me. I am very grateful my son is in the sober living home. But I have no control whatsoever, that he seeks treatment, stays on, or does one other thing. It's painful but it's real.

I do hope you check back as you can to give us an update. And I hope you stay on. It helps. It does.

 

[Denise2017]

What I am saying here is that sooner or later your daughter will have to live according to the effort she puts in and according to what is her bottom line. This is the most painful thing I have gone through in a lifetime of pain. Accepting this. That my son must live according to his own inner abilities and needs.

I have found that the cost of this has been considerable, to me and to my son.

Thanks again dear Copabanana and kind, caring community. The saga still continues. She is still asking to live here and I am still saying no.

I feel a little better sometimes when I get out of the house and away from the phone—which I call the bad news machine...

I am trying. Trying. My therapist says the decision not the let her live here is a huge decision. But my daughter is relentless and I am exhausted. But I will not let her live here. I could not survive that. It is an existentialist threat to me.

I so wish I could feel—feel—the ability to just let her fall. I understand it intellectually, but my emotions are dragging me down. But I will persevere. I need to be free of this pain.

Yes...As you say Copabanana, she must live according to her own abilities and needs. I will keep telling myself that.

I have presented her with numerous resources. $500 and $600 rooms in a nearby city where she could walk to work and the train. But she "doesn't want to live with a stranger" and wants to "train (online) to be a dental hygienist and them work in a few months. That is a pure fantasy and will never happen...

I will keep reading. Keep bolstering myself. Keep saying no. Keep trying to get to the emotional place I need to be to enjoy my life.

Thank you, thank you thank you. There are some very good, kind and smart people in this world.

 

[BusynMember1]

These particular adult kids, who self sabatage in spite of our often aggressive help, tend to have excuses why nothing in their lives will work. The job is too far, their bike was stolen, the car we bought them is not working so they can't go to work, walking is dangerous (there is a mugger running around town), the job is too demanding, the boss picks on only them, they came down with a bad flu and can't afford the doctor, etc etc etc. We buy the excuses for a while

They seem to want to fail. The only thing that sort of works is living off of our dime forever. I say sort of because they aren't nice to us even when we give them the moon.

This is a very sad situation for all of us.

Blessings to all.

 

[Denise2017]

[QUOTE="BusynMember, post: 755980, member: 23706"The job is too far, their bike was stolen, the car we bought them is not working so they can't go to work, walking is dangerous (there is a mugger running around town), the job is too demanding, the boss picks on only them, they came down with a bad flu and can't afford the doctor, etc etc etc. We buy the excuses for a while

They seem to want to fail. The only thing that sort of works is living off of our dime forever. I say sort of because they aren't nice to us even when we give them the moon.

This is a very sad situation for all of us.

Blessings to all.[/QUOTE]

She just told me this is ruining all of her other relationships. (I think she has destroyed all of her relationships...) She has a million excuses. I am in really bad shape. I am an extremely functional and high energy person and I am totally debilitated. It is taking everything I have to be able to function.

Thank you all and wishes for strength and clarity.

 

[BusynMember1]

Remember that only SHE has the ability to ruin or nurture her relationships. None of this is on you.

God bless.

 

[Denise2017]

Remember that only SHE has the ability to ruin or nurture her relationships. None of this is on you.

God bless.

Thank you dear Busy. I am at the point where I just need to take my own mental health breaks from her, to restore myself.

I have sent her many, many, many resources but she rejects them all. She just wants to live at my house and have me take care of her, which I can not do, due to her past violence, abuse and threats.

There are really some great services out there, mental health professionals, and excellent resources. I have searched and searched to find her a soft landing, and there are some options, especially given a some support from her father and I. But she rejects them all.

It would be a bit of a journey, but in the end, I think she could have subsidized housing, a care coordinator, therapy, independent living. In our state, this is all the through government and Dept of Social Services, unless you are very wealthy and can afford those private recovery centers. I have kept a spreadsheet and send links to help for her, but the reply is always vitriol.

She often waits to elevate the crisis until Friday afternoon, just when all the services are closing for the weekend.

Her latest is that I am abusive for not taking her in...(plus a lot of language that I will not post here..)

Honestly, from this wonderful site, I have learned here to maintain my boundaries I could not survive otherwise. I really do have to put my own oxygen mask on first.

This has been going on for ±15 years with no positive progress.

Thank heaven for this kind community, and thanks again for your supportive reply.

 

[Copabanana]

My quote thing isn't working. Denise: I am in really bad shape. I am an extremely functional and high energy person and I am totally debilitated.

Denise. Please believe you are not alone. I was this kind of person too. I was completely felled by my son's distress. A number of other mothers here were similarly affected.

The critically important thing is what you've begun to do: We have to learn to center ourselves in ourselves not in them. I used to feel that my own heart was walking around on the sidewalk, homeless. It was unbearable to me. I did not feel as if my son and I were separate people. I am better now. Thankfully. And as I learned to separate, my son did begin to step up and make some better choices.

But the reality is, we can't suffer for them, because it is from their suffering that comes learning and change. Our suffering teaches them not one thing, except that they can extract benefit from us. Of all sorts: Economic. Housing. Emotional. Social. Nurture. Support. Etc.

You are doing the right thing. This is a process. You are giving yourself the space to heal. And opening up space for your daughter to heal too. We can't do it for them. But we can do it for ourselves.

 

[Denise2017]

Thankfully. And as I learned to separate, my son did begin to step up and make some better choices.

THANK YOU Copabanana! I have spent the last month searching for every resource to help her. I found really excellent resources near where she is on Long Island. The have care management, someone who would help her fill out all the forms, get housing, get therapy, get job training, a peer support group, access to doctors, a food pantry. A garden. I had them call her and she wants nothing to do with it. She said she is fine and she does not need help, she is just having trouble finding a place to live. Here it is if it will help someone. Association for Mental Health and Wellness

I had an engagement person from the place call her. I called the person who spoke to her, and she said my daughter did sound fine. She sounded good. My daughter told them she was not interested in their help. Yet her texts to me are nothing but name-calling and vitriol and begging to live here. My feelings are not hurt. I am way past that. But I wanted to help her. I even found 2 apartments walking distance to this center (but I was too late.) I sent many craigslist apartment listings to her and she just says she has bad credit and no one will accept her. She won't even try. I sent here roommate sites. She won't try. Maybe she is not capable...

Finally after much name calling this morning I sent her the contact info for the case manager, and 3 hospitals that will take in as inpatient and she may be able to avoid a shelter.

She just called me many more names and I blocked her. I am still having a very hard time separating. Especially with the coronavirus scare. However I think if I continue enabling her, she will do nothing but sit in her room as she has for the past 3 weeks. She will run out of money by this weekend I think. However she does get money from SSI...not much but enough to rent a small room. And work? That's another issue.

So I came here. And I found your wise and kind response. I will carry this with me today "Thankfully. And as I learned to separate, my son did begin to step up and make some better choices." I sincerely hope and pray that my daughter will begin to make some better choices.

There are some very good mental health services out there. There are kind, professional, helpful people—if our adult children will accept their help.

Thanks again dear Copabanana and CD Community. You gave me strength to carry on today.

 

[Copabanana]

She won't even try. I sent here roommate sites. She won't try. Maybe she is not capable...

Even more if she's not capable, she needs to have a support network and advocates, whether through mental health, a church, AA or NA, or some kind of community.

This feels triggering to me, because when I stopped helping my son for a long time all he did was fall. Fall and fall and fall. I didn't know how far he would fall. Would he end up on the street with matted hair, pushing a stroller heaped with garbage and junk, with crazed eyes, intermittently sleeping on the curb? Is this what I had to fear after my death? That he would have nothing and nobody, just like garbage on the street?

The thing is we have no control. I tried to have control. And what happened was my son pulled me down to his level. Filth everywhere. Cockroaches. Always high. He keeps clubs to defend himself.

My point is this: My help didn't help. Me or him.

It has to be faced that one possibility is that they won't help themselves. They will fall. And fall. If they won't turn to support services, then this is what could happen. But I don't believe it will. I think your daughter (and my son) are manipulating us. They're playing chicken. They're daring us. They wait until the very last minute, and then guess what happens? They save themselves. Maybe not like we want, but they do it the way they can.

She's mad because she wants help the way she wants it. She wants to be fed with a spoon, with the exact foods she craves. But this is the life of a baby, not an adult woman. Let her throw fits. But away from you.

This is a lesson anybody can learn. We need to accept life on life's terms, not on our own. The only way your daughter will learn is on her own.

You're doing great.