While we were trying to “help” my two, housing them, grandkids in the mix, my hubs fought severe illness. They continued to use drugs, and use us. I think back to those years and am astonished at the stuff we put up with, all the while still raising our youngest two. That point is driven home listening to them speak about those times, and how they are realizing now that their lives were far removed from normal because of their elder siblings choices and lifestyles, the drama and chaos surrounded us like a dark cloud.
Lost in their drug haze, it doesn’t seem to phase them. It is as if the natural tendency of love and affection for family, parents, empathy, fellow feeling is switched off. This puts us in a vulnerable situation because we love them and want the best for them. My Tornado knows how to tug and pull at my heart strings until I start second guessing myself.
It’s a hard road we travel.
I had to start borrowing strength from others, like my Dad, who wouldn’t have put up with any of it. I went and found a therapist who looked me straight in the eye and called me an enabler. Gulp. I was mad. But it was true.
All of those years, living with the chaos and drama. My two continued to spiral downward and took us for the ride. Even as their father grew more ill and eventually passed, that didn’t stop the madness of it all.
Our kids grow up and make choices. When those choices infiltrate your peace, your heart, your livelihood with darkness and despair, it takes a lot of our own self examination to pull up and out of that darkness and come back to the light. I am fortunate to have my two youngest to help keep me sane. My Hoku says “Mom we can’t keep doing the same things and hoping for different results.”
The kind folks here have helped me walk this journey and lift myself up, along with lots and lots of prayer.
I looked up one day just plain exhausted and gave my two back to God. I said “Lord please help them, it is way too much for me to handle, and please help me get through this.”
I realized there is no amount of money, home life or precious time I could give that would change my twos direction in life. They will do as they choose. I love them with all of my heart but will not let them take advantage of that love, manipulate, or mistreat me.
It’s not to say that I don’t fall in to the rabbit hole every so often, I do. I think that this will be a lifelong work for me, keeping my armor intact, guarding my heart and striving to live my best life. I have to remind myself that as long as my two are living as they do, I am a target for them. Like a con artists mark. They know all the right tricks to send me into the swirly whirly, because there, dazed hurt and confused, it is hard to make the right decisions, to say no.
My Tornado calls me constantly when she is in jail. She has begged to come home, saying she needed my unconditional love. It hurt to tell her no, but it was the right thing to do. She needs rehab. I started to think that maybe I could have her here for a day or two, as she waited for space to open up in rehab. She as much told me that if she was let out to the streets, she would end up using again. Then, she said she found a sober living home. That lasted a day. She’s been out for a few weeks now and I haven’t heard anything from her. She is off on a bender.
Sigh.
The old Leafy would have blamed herself, blamed my decision to keep my home a safe haven, Reality check. Would have been more of the same old.
Maya Angelou wrote “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” My two have showed me over and again that for now, they are lost in a meth world and will do anything to get their next high. Not that I have given up hope for them, I haven’t. I just know that as long as they are using-any money, housing, food I give them only helps them to stay as is. They need far more help than I can give them. It is up to them to decide the heavy price they pay, is not worth it.
With that said, I have my work cut out for me. That is despite how their choices pain me, I can’t let that fester into an infection that ruins my life. I have to snap myself back from the despair of it all and one day at a time build myself up. Sometimes it’s one breath at a time.
You can do this JPG, we all can do this. I firmly believe that by standing up and not allowing our adult kids to use us, blame us, put their bad decisions on us, we are helping them look in the mirror and take responsibility for their own choices.
That is a gift, to allow someone to come into their own. That’s what life is all about, finding our true selves through all of the ups and downs and sideways. Learning from mistakes. Reaching for the stars, setting goals and figuring out our own potential.
It’s time.
For all of us.
Our wayward adult kids included.
Have a blessed day all.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
