Nobody I mean nobody deserves to be bullied. This is abuse. Manipulation. It is horrible!
Sometimes we get used to being treated or mistreated a certain way. Or, it is just easier to give in, than to stand up. Because when we give in, it stops, well at least until the next need or want. Verbal and emotional abuse is just as evil as physical abuse, just as hurtful.
The key word for most of us with wayward children is “adult”. At 26 and 30, your sons are adults. My two are 30 and 38. On the streets. I hate it, but it is their choice. I understand the need to help out adult kids at times, but will not help someone who won’t help themselves, or are abusive.
My two daughters went through a phase of blaming me outright for everything that went wrong in their lives. I fell into the guilt trap and reeled those tapes over and again.Then, I realized I made mistakes but did the best job I could parenting them. The rest was up to them. They can’t deny their poor choices and put it on me, I won’t stand for that anymore.
When it was obvious that they weren’t making changes, I did. I had to, to survive.
Our kids know right where to “poke” us to get the response they want. We become enveloped in what is called fog, fear, obligation and guilt. That keeps us in their game, desperate for them to change, for answers, relief from the grief of their circumstances.
But, we have absolutely no control over their choices.
None of us imagined our kids growing up, failing to launch into adulthood, having attitudes of entitlement. But, here we are. It is a hard pill to swallow to see our kids living in cars, or parks. My two are able bodied and could work, but their
choice is to smoke meth, and be homeless.
I didn’t give up on them, I gave up on the notion that I could rescue them.
JPG, you don’t deserve the bullying and threats from anyone least of all your own grownup child.
Keep heading in the direction of letting your sons learn to fend for themselves. They will not like it and will try their darndest to keep you funding them. Love says no. I had to learn that, hard as it is. No, I won’t give you money, no you can’t live with me. When we make things easier we are not helping them. There will come a day when we are not on this earth. Our adult kids need to test their own wings and learn self reliance. They are capable.
I figure I am not getting any younger, the stress and worry of all these years has worn me down, but I am fighting to try to live the best rest of my life. I am hoping that leading by example, taking care of myself will help them to see the importance of self love, taking good care of their own health.
JPG you are not the only parent who has tried just about everything under the sun to make things right for your kids. We have all gone out on limbs for our beloveds. Even when they turned on us at times. Eventually, we learned to stop, take a deep breath, and put our feet down set healthy boundaries. Learning to come out of the fog and steady ourselves, breathe fresh air and find new ways of reacting is hard work, but we are worth it. You are worth it. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You have come to a place where folks understand the pain of it. We are not experts, just parents who have been there, done that and then some. We are all on a tough journey at different points along the path. Keep strengthening yourself and building your toolbox, posting, reading, meditating, exercising, anything that helps lift you up.
Take good care of yourself!
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
