We had to throw our adult son out two days ago for stealing again.

[gabeach]

I am new here. We had to throw our adult son out two days ago for stealing again. He had not one penny, and I am worried for his safety. I am reading these posts for help. Please, is there someplace to figure out your abbreviations? Gig, etc. I don't know what they mean. I am glad I found this.

 

[CrazyinVA]

Welcome, gabeach. I moved your post to a new thread so that it would be more visible. You can get a list of the abbreviations and their meanings here:
http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f7/board-abbreviations-acronyms-8/

I'm sorry about your son. Many of us have been through having to throw our adult children out of the house. Most of them somehow land on their feet, they seem to have quite the survival instinct despite their issues.

Can you tell us a little more about your son? We've got a great support community here witha wealth of knowledge and experience. As we say around here: glad you found us, but sorry you had to..

 

[recoveringenabler]

Welcome gabeach. I am sorry about your son. I have an adult daughter whom I have had to make that choice with too. She was homeless for awhile. I had to make some tough choices, but as CrazyinVa said, they mostly land on their feet. It's hard, I know. Keep posting here and if it feels right, share your story with us. You will receive lots of support from others who've been there done that.

 

[Collyb]

I can't really tell how old this post is, but I am in the same boat. My son and his girlfriend live with me and they are going to have a baby.. He was laid off in December and has not had any money, so I am always handing out money here and there. Well, he just started back at his old job while his girlfriend sits home. I have been finding that things are missing from my room and now my Grandmothers engagement ring that was given to me is amongst the missing. I can't accuse them of course with out proof, but I have always took such good care of that ring and it meant the world to me. I have caught him trying to sell some of rings before when he was still in School and I'm so heartbroken that he may have done this again to me.. I have bent over backwards to help him and her out and to keep a roof over their heads and I don't know what to do.. I know in my heart that they have taken this ring to sell, but how do I get an honest answer from them.. This ring is something that can never be replaced and I don't see any remorse in them at all..

 

[Tiredof33]

I went through my son stealing and helping his friends steal from me. He even went so far as to give 2 new friends my car keys and they stole my car. The police told me what really happened. It's very hurtful to think your own child will treat you like that, it's as if they see us as easy prey and they know they can get away with it and we will not press charges.

BUT I can tell you if you read some of the posts there are plenty of members that got tired of it and DID press charges.

I had to hide all of my valuables (or what was left of them) after I was broken into several times. They even stole my Christmas gifts. I knew it was his friends, probably with his help.

I would let them know that I am aware of the things missing and make a police report, you don't have to accuse them, but they may quietly return it if they have it. It's only going to continue if they think they can get away with it.

It's hard but you have to be tough and stand your ground or they will bleed you dry and never think any thing of it.

Read the posts on the forum, it will help you.
(((hugs and blessings)))

 

[buddy]

HI...
Collyb....the dates of the posts are above the names of the posters on the left....and you are fine, this one is today. I am sorry you as well as ga beach have had such a hard time. There are many who can relate here and I hope you find them as lovely as I have in all of the support they share. This is not my parenting journey experience....but I wanted to welcome you both.

difficult child is gift from god....the kind way we describe our challenging kids... any terms you see with underlines/you can put your cursor over and you will see a definition. There is a list I am sure someone will post the link to as well.

We are glad you found us too. For me this place is a life line.

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome gabeach. Many parents here have had to make similar decisions. So at the very least, you know you're not alone.

I understand your worry for his safety. But honestly? You probably just did him an enormous favor. Now he will either man up and learn the right way.....as in finding work and building his adult life.....or he will continue the behavior and the life lessons resulting from it will be harsh until he gets a clue. But for many, that is the only way to learn.

But you're right, it's awfully hard on the parents because we seem to do much more worrying than they do. If it makes you feel better, most difficult children do far better on their own than we could ever imagine. x

This is the time in life where you begin to detach from active parenting of difficult child and rebuild your life around yourself and other family members that might be still at home. It sounds easy, but it does take quite a bit of practice. Being the parent of an adult child is not the same role as being the parent of an underage child. Now it's up to him to make his own decisions and mistakes and to learn (or not learn) from them. You've taught him all you could up until this point.

And a warm welcome to you too Collyb. You've landed in a wonderful place full of people who understand and truly care.

((hugs))

 

[rejectedmom]

Ga beach Hello and welcome. I am a parent that had to put her child out at age 18. It is one of the hardest things ever. It truly stinks for us parents. I spent many a night worring over him but honestly they can be very resourceful. Usually they start by sofa surfing at friends and aquaintences. Do not be surprised if some of the hard luck stories he told to get people to feel sorry for him filter back to you. It was unbelievable the lies mine told to get stuff from people and how gulible people can be.

It is truly a shame that your son has put you in this position but you are not alone. Many of us have been lied to, stolen from, and even beaten up by our kids. We survive and grow stronger and also find peace. I am sorry for this terrible journey youare on but hope that we can help make it a bit easier with our support. -RM

 

[gabeach]

Thank you for all the kind and wise words. I have read each one of them several times. He is still gone, but texting me nonstop begging for the money for his weekly counsel center which included daily methadone. It costs $80/week and we have paid it far too many times. We got him a job at a restaurant, but he called in sick too much and also was sent home in several occasions for being glassy eyed and who knows what else. All he had to do was stay out of trouble and get better. Instead, he stole my credit card again, stole my husbands iPod and sold it and was verbally abusive when we woke him up the next day. Now he is texting me begging for the money for his methadone, and I have not given in. I don't know much about methadone, but I am assuming you can go to the emergency room that serves the uninsured and get it some how. He won't do it. He wants us to pay for it. I am 56 and teach school. I have Crohn's disease, and I believe the stress of all these years is what precipitated it. My husband had prostate cancer surgery two years ago, age 52; I also think the stress may have caused that. Oh, the reason he claims he stole the credit card is because he doesn't do drugs anymore and he owed some drug dealers money from a long time ago and they were going to kill him if he did not pay them off. So, that made it okay to steal from us, in his mind.

 

[recoveringenabler]

Gabeach, I am so sorry. There are no easy answers to these issues with our kids, just lots of questions, worry, angers and lots for us to learn about, like how to let them go, how to accept what is, and how to continue our lives with some peace. I am in a weekly group lead by a therapist who specializes in codependency and substance abuse issues. She tells us that many of us codependents have enormous stress related health issues. You sure are not alone in that realm.

You're on a tough road, and it winds around a lot, while you get thrown off balance and try to figure it all out. Along the way, what has helped me is to get a lot of support. There isn't a whole lot you can do for your son when he isn't willing to help himself, so the best avenue for us is to take care of ourselves. There are 12 step groups like alanon and one for narcotics too. There are family groups. Others more experienced then I can give you advice on where to go for help. There are codependency groups and of course, therapy too. If it feels right, please get yourself some support so you can not only have a place to vent, talk it out, and decompress, but also to get real clear and usable tools to use to detach and accept. It's hard, but it's necessary and it's doable. We are all doing it in one fashion or another. You're not alone. I send you hugs and prayers that this path you're on gets calmer and that you find some peace along the way.

 

[Star*]

GAbeach,

I have some experience with methadone addicts and while your post should probably swing over to the substance abuse forum I'm going to be straight up with you. Despite what he's done? I would not let anyone I know go through methadone detox cold turkey. However there are clinics in most towns that will help him, you can find them through Narcotics Anonymous. Most are free, and it sounds like the one you went to was a paid one. The pain and agony a methadone user will go through coming down like your son is now is excruciating. It's also dangerous. The ER will not take him for drug seeking habits like this. Being around someone who has a heroin addiction is not a life you want anyone to be subjected to. I would venture to say the up and down moods are him on and off the dope. The dangerous, abusive person your son sees is him coming down, and he can become extremely hostile and worse. You were right to put him out of the house, no doubt about that. I would however try to meet him with someone for protection at your side and get him to a clinic and ask where he can go to get himself free methadone and help from here on out. My heart breaks for you.

I would also recommend getting the 12 year old into some type of therapy for the abuse he's suffered so that he understands what has happened, how it happened, that NONE of this is his fault, YOUR fault, and that your family is still hurting and in crisis, but it's repairable, and how to cope with the day to day stress that he's endured. Being enmeshed with a drug-dependent person in your home takes a lot of will power to break away from because at first you want to help them, then you think you can change them, then you belive that you can fix them, and finally after all that time you are desperate just to get away and have gotten so involved in their lives it has become part of yours and you can't see where theirs stops and yours begins thus the word enmeshed, and you need help to get away, find your own life, help him, help yourself say no without guilt, help your husband find his voice to speak to his son again - and put it all back together again. Addicts tear not only their own lives apart but ours as well, and we allow this to happen without knowing. There shouldn't be shame in that. But so many people sit and point fingers and say "Well if it were MY so and so I'd blah blah blah." and you sit back and think "OH yeah------you would? I just bet. Well that's great that you're so strong, so smart, so tough." Then you find out those are the same kinds of people that fall apart at a McDonalds because their french fries were cold or hard.....and you think - SERIOUSLY/ You had a fit over that? Wow....well If those were MY fries......so don't pay them much mind. Just eat your cold, hard fries, and worry about your kid ---the best way you can....with YOUR heart.

I admire your courage, and strength. A heart split four ways is a very hard thing to keep in one chest. You're doing brilliant! Don't be so hard on yourself - Give yourself a minute every now and then to actually say - Well you know what? I was a good Mom....Look what I did with what I was loaned to raise. And be glad in the job you have done. Because it's not over. Not by a long shot. And you're still looking for answers - That's what GREAT Moms do. And you're a Great one!
Hugs & Love
Star

 

[Nancy]

gabeach, you are not alone. There are many of us on this board who are dealing with substance abuse with their difficult child's. We have a substance abuse forum on this board and you may want to post there also since some of our members may not see this here.

I had to kick my daughter out of the house last year also because of drug/alcohol abuse. Addicts will steal from you or anyone else to get their drugs. They will also lie to you and try to make you feel sorry for them. If your son wants help he knows where he can go. There are treatment centers and sober houses he can go to for help. Do you have a public hospital in your area that will take someone with no insurance? We have detox centers here that will help you detox and then refer you to sober houses where he can learn how to live drug free.

Whatever you do you need to take care of yourself and your husband. He needs to hit bottom and have nowhere else to turn before he decides to change. This is not your fault. You did not cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. That is up to him.

Nancy

 

[Elsieshaye]

Gabeach and Collyb - welcome. I asked my son to move out in October, a couple of weeks after he turned 18. Drugs and alcohol, increasingly disrespectful behavior, stealing my laundry money (and probably out of my purse, but I'm kind of disorganized so that's not 100% certain), and aggressively loud posturing when I'd challenge him on his behavior. My personal last straw was when he took something of my late mother's and threw it away/hid it/tried to sell it? in retaliation for me getting rid of his bong when it found its way back into the house after I had told him that one of the conditions of getting to continue to stay in my house past his 18th birthday was getting it out of there. He was "on the street" for a week, during which he said he was sleeping in the park and hadn't eaten anything (found out later he was sleeping in the laundry/storage room of another building in our complex and getting food handouts from some Mormon missionaries who live in that building), and then went to live with his father. He's still there. Has already asked me to come back here, and has been told no as kindly as possible. I'm still in the stage of things where interactions with him are so volatile and fraught with hostility that I don't deal with him except via email, and only selectively. (I actually had a nightmare last night that he and his girlfriend showed up pregnant on my doorstep and asked to move in with me "just for a few weeks" until they both found jobs and a place to live, and I said no. Woke up hyperventilating, and hoping he never puts me in that position, because I'm fairly certain I won't say yes, and I know that will be something he won't forgive for a very long time.) It helps that he is physically under a roof, but I'm not sure at this point that my actions and decisions would be any different if he weren't. I hit my personal limit, and nothing has really changed that for me.

Sending you lots of support and warmth. This is hard stuff, and there is no one "right" way to approach it. As others said, it's a winding path, and you pick your way along it the best you can.

E.

 

[Tiredof33]

When I look back at the things my son and his father did I wonder how I did not have a nervous breakdown! Mine was also very spiteful when I tried to set boundaries.

It is extremely hard and I wish I had more information when I was going through all of it. My son still tries to conn me for money, still lies. Thank heavens I am now living in another state after retirement. He quit his job to go to college full time and for the life of me I don't understand it!

Try to detach and look out for yourself, it is a very stressful time and it is out of your control!

 

[DammitJanet]

Colby, at this point I wouldnt ask if they had stolen the items if you live alone with them. Assume they did and act like they did if you are fairly certain it was them. Actually you know in your gut it was them. We always know. Just state the facts and tell them you know they did it and you want it back. I actually found out that my son wasnt aware that his girlfriend was doing these things to us and he put a stop to it pronto. After all, he had learned the hard way that I didnt put up with theft from him. Theft was something that scared him. I had a camera come up missing and when I mentioned it in passing, boy did that thing show up mighty fast...lol.

Now thats not to say he doesnt borrow things from us without thinking. He thinks my house is a rent a center of sorts. He will come here and borrow something and odds are 50/50 if he will remember to bring it back. I cant tell you how many of my tupperware containers have made it to his house and never came back. Or he has borrowed a tool and we had to go get it back when we needed it. Drives his dad insane. Half the time we dont know he came and got it until we find it missing...lol. I look out the door and see him loading up the boat and yell out "does your daddy know you are taking that?"

 

[gabeach]

So, tonight is hard. We put our adult son out on Easter Sunday. On Friday he checked into detox. He cannot go into Salvation Army unless drug free and he was on 80 / day of methadone along with other illegal things. So the psychiatrist called yest. She said that was always a hard day. He wanted out, and was in there voluntarily. She said not to worry, she would put a 72 hour hold on him, but she did not want to waste any of it do she would not start the hold until she had to. Well, a different doctor let him out this morning. He went to salvation army, and they would not admit him because he did not have a photo ID. No one has seen or heard from
Him since.

 

[Star*]

Ga beach -

For your breaking heart - I send a bunch of hugs- that I'm sure through cyber space give you very little comfort in light of the enormous hole that is left where your son should be. I'm sorry for your pain. I've been there done that and I know the feelings, and emotional rollercoaster you ride. It's an awful feeling to go through and its a worse one to watch someone you love destroy themselves little by little when you don't understand any of it at all. I tell other parents here - I got a lot out of going to the real Narcotics and Cocaine Anonymous meetings and just sitting in silence and listening to the former addicts talking about what happened to them, the W's of life - Who,What Where, When - Why - and the HOW they got better - little by little. Mostly what I heard was what it took for the people that loved them to STOP doing - so that they would fall flat on their faces. STOP helping STOP giving, STOP babying, STOP enabling, STOP giving the second chances, STOP fixing, STOP being there - LET ME FALL - LET ME see what it's like without people that help, LET me see what it's going to be like when no one truly is in my life to give a dang, LET me see what it's like to lay in a gutter and wake up in my own vomit and try to pretend I'm human, LET me see what it's like to wear the same clothes for a week and go hungry, and have my own family turn away in disgust - and see my Mother cry and sob because she couldn't even look at me. Things like that? I needed to hear from the ADDICTS that it was OKAY to know that if I did those things? LOOK - HERE - they were alive - and they survived -and THEIR parents - did what I didn't think I could do - (but to my ex husband) and walk away.....

And it was the best thing I did - because he never got better, and in the end? It didn't save him...he's 57 and still doing drugs, and still killing himself - and still lost his family, and still alone, and still has absolutely nothing - and while it's a shame - he did it to himself. He had chance after chance, opportunity after opportunity - and never took advantage of any of the things offered to him. The only thing left to do was take myself, and my son - what was left of our sanity (and it wasn't much) and our bodys (and that wasn't much either) and leave and try to put our Humpty Dumpty life back together - and after about 15-16 years? We're just peeking our noses above the watermark. Mentally he wrecked my son, but we try every day to be better people. And that's what you have to work with. YOu do the best you can - to be supportive and learn how to detach and LET THEM - because you can't do it FOR THEM. And it kills you - but if there is EVER a chance for him to recover? The only thing you can give him at this point is love, and support. The rest is on him. Sounds like nothing - but its what kids who have NO ONE and NOTHING - would die for. Someone that cares () much. And that's enough.

When it's over - when it's all over - your son will be a stronger, better person - and you'll be exhausted....so take care of yourself.....an in the mean time? Take care of yourself.

Hugs & Love
Star

 

[gabeach]

Thank you, Star. Am I reading correctly, that you had another child, too?

 

[Star*]

Ga -

I have one natural born son that is 21. I've buried 2 sons at the ages of 18 - that were not my natural born sons - but I loved them just the same as. One from a bull riding accident 14 years ago, and one three years ago on Friday the 13th who burned alive driving his car. When the youngest of the three made himself a real challenge it was very hard bcause he wanted to go live with my x - who is a psycho path/sociopath and has tried numerous times to kill me. I didn't know if he would do similar things to my son or leave him be - or what - he's badly into drugs and not in his right mind to begin with. SO throwing him out and having him go live with a crazy drug addict was a double whammy - but when you are a kid and keep on and on and on about how bad you have it? I have places you can go (from my past) that will SHOW you - how bad it can really get. And he found out quick, fast and in a hurry that there are real people out there that boast real crazy, and do REAL big time drugs and are beyond your capabilities of ruthless to get what they want. He got a real good taste of the world and doesn't want anything to do with that end of it. I tried to take him away from it - and he ran screaming to it. I tried to "tell him" what was there and protect him from it - and he went eyes wide open and so much smarter than me - knowing so much more than I did - and found out - Mom knew what she was talking about - and 20 years ago - the guy wasn't a broken down old man - so yeah - it was worse then - than it is now - and he finally said "I just can't imagine what you went through Mom you had NO ONE." and I said "Well you have us..so don't be stupid."
And he's working real hard not to be. Buit I had to close my eyes and hold m y breath a lot -

If nothing else? My x can scare the mortal hell out of anyone - and for that? I'm thankful - because for being who he is? I don't think my son will EVER be like he thought he wanted to be. So in a way he did do him a favor. The world is a cruel place if you allow your kids to live in it and grow up. Its the holding your breath that makes you think you're going to pass out and not make it - You have to learn how to breath while they're surviving.

 

[Chasing Happiness]

I am sorry to hear about your struggles too. i have 3 adult children. my oldest is fine and a well adjusted adult, married with children. my second daughter is now 20. years of heartache and drug use and yes stealing all the time. i made her leave our house many times. she and her boyfriend bounced from house to house from friends. at one point last summer they even pitched a tent outside by the river and i just couldnt let her stay with me. it hurt to do it. anyways over time i did let her move back in on the condition of no stealing, holding a job, etc... she had a job she worked 2 days a week at but couldnt steal if she wanted to because our bedroom door at a full proof lock on it. we began fighting again and i knew my husband and i were looking to move to the country for some peace in our lives as years of teenage chaos with 2 of the kids took its toll on us, me especially. She moved into a friends with her boyfriend. she is now 5 mos pg and says shes clean so i pray she is. were on talking terms and trying to work things out.

My son turned 18 in sept. very verbally abusive to me, wouldnt go to school, lasted 2 days at a job, destroyed the house by punching holes in walls, doors etc... i was so stressed that i began to suffer from severe anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. i told him when we were going to move and he couldnt move with us. he moved in with his dad and its been hell since. he had 2 visits with us and both visits ending in him pleading to move back in with us and me having to say no cause i need to keep the sanity i have left. again it turning abusive and i got texts, voicemails, a letter in the mail, terrible things said to me. right now were not even speaking.

it is so hard to do to let go and im still trying to move on with my own life. i take it one day at a time and i do alot of praying and talking to God. Not pushing religion on anyone for sure but for me it helps me on my darkest days.