What do you think?

[savior no more]

Sometimes for me when the grief and pain are mounting I delve into a situation with drama that will squash the pain and grief. That might be what Blossom is doing. My tendency is to take the "bait" and make it my problem then. This may sound crude, but I believe there are "" hurlers and "" catchers. I tend to be the catcher so I can then feel the victim. I'm learning how to duck sometimes now to avoid the splats that hurt. It would be nice in your grief that things would be easy and they would miraculously change. My hope is for peace and comfort for you.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

My tendency is to take the "bait" and make it my problem then. This may sound crude, but I believe there are "" hurlers and "" catchers. I tend to be the catcher so I can then feel the victim..

I am a catcher too...an emphatic. I can feel or sense others pain.

 

[New Leaf]

she may not even have a logical thought pattern,

This is most likely the case. I am not even sure how long she has been on the stuff, but do realize the longer the use, the more damage.

The other thing is that losing a father as an adult is far, far different than losing a husband. It's a different loss. Also remember that they have one another to lean on, for them, rekindling a relationship helps them get through a shared experience. They lost their father.

Yes, this is true, SK, it is a different loss. It was hard when my dad passed, I did lean on my siblings. Grief comes in many layers of intensity.

Please try not to live with regret. Take time, take care of yourself. Heal, get strong and make a decision when your feelings aren't so raw.

I am trying as best can to take care of myself. The big thing I keep telling myself is to be patient, don't rush into things. It is another kind of FOG with the loss of a mate.

If it is something that you are comfortable with, maybe a grief support group would help?

I am okay with a grief support group, just don't have the time or energy right now. There is so much business to take care of.

It would be nice in your grief that things would be easy and they would miraculously change. My hope is for peace and comfort for you.

Thank you Savior. I think for Blossom, in her grief she wants a sense of normalcy, a healing for the family. I don't blame her. I think we are all reaching for peace and comfort, and after losing her dad, what she wants is for the family to be together. That's her peace and comfort. It would be nice if things were easy.......breathing room. Things are as they are, wish they weren't but they just are. Sigh. So, I shall have to find a way through what is, towards peace.

I am a catcher too...an emphatic. I can feel or sense others pain.

I am the same. So, I need to step back, rather than forward where my two are concerned. I don't feel badly about it, either. Well, today at least....... I am going to bide my time and wait. Wait for them to get tired of the same ole same ole. Lord knows I am tired of it.
Thank you for your thoughts and kind words.
It means so much to be able to come here and read responses and sort through the feelings.
Leafy

 

[Albatross]

How I wish I could take some of your pain away, Leafy. I think that now is definitely one of those times when all you can do is get some distance from them, and from the whole circle of mayhem and pressure and uncertainty surrounding them. But that leaves you in a lonely place.

I wish I could take some of the feelings of being alone away, Leafy. I know it is so hard to do right now, but I do think some sort of grief support would be very helpful, just to be with people who understand and aren't ramping up drama or trying to force "fixes." I think it would be good for you to just have a calm and accepting space to go to now and again.

 

[New Leaf]

I think that now is definitely one of those times when all you can do is get some distance from them, and from the whole circle of mayhem and pressure and uncertainty surrounding them. But that leaves you in a lonely place.

You know Albie, we have gone through so much with these two. It doesn't feel so much a lonely place, more disappointed that they do not realize their potential. I guess I have been working so diligently to reach "protect mode". I have switched off the button of that mother protect mode which drives us to do anything and everything to try to stop the madness. With the reality that I have no control, I have switched over to using that energy to protect my heart. I don't want to go backwards to where their lifestyle choices leech over to consuming my thoughts and conversations, my life. That happened to me. My poor dear work friend. We would eat lunch together and there came a point where that was all I could talk about, what was happening with my two. She gently suggested finding a therapist, and that helped. I will never forget my shock at the point blank, frank statement "You are an enabler......." It hung in the air, thick and heavy. I then found this place, and it has helped so much to work through the muck of this with others on similar journeys. It is coming up on one year since the ugly exodus of my daughter and grands, and joining CD. Hubs would not talk about the situation, he just could not go there. I think he understood my grief and my time spent here working through it. I had to hit it head on, and he in typical mans fashion mostly buried himself deeper in work and sports on tv. This is what I need to work on, the grief in the time we lost together, separately navigating the devastation that ripped through our household and hearts. I write about it here as a release, but also as a reminder to others in relationships to take care of each other, to not let their adult children's lifestyles take away from their own lives. It is the same for single folk (as I am now), to work at LIVING.
Really, really living.
Life is too short to give up everything and focus on adults who are bound and determined to do things their way anyway. That is why I am taking a step back. My twos focus now, is on themselves and the next high, or party. It has been this way for a long, long time. Their inclination and first go to, is to blame everyone else, especially me, for their actions and consequences. So why would I want to continue to present myself as a target? Especially now. So stepping back it is. For now. If and when my two make steps towards sobriety, I will be here, God willing.

I know it is so hard to do right now, but I do think some sort of grief support would be very helpful, just to be with people who understand and aren't ramping up drama or trying to force "fixes." I think it would be good for you to just have a calm and accepting space to go to now and again.

Thank you Albie, there is a widows group with the organization that is helping my son, I will probably make my way there. I do think it would be good to have a place to go to work through this grief, especially since I am going back to work in a couple of weeks. To know that I have folks to face to face with who are going through or have gone through similar experiences would be very helpful. Until then, I have a lot on my plate figuring out finances and making sure my son is okay. He is my focus, as well as strengthening myself. It has been a long time coming, to get to this point. I am not going backwards to trying to fix my two's issues. They have to step to the plate.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[RN0441]

Leafy

I am just catching up to this post now. I can't even imagine how many years you have gone through this.

I am on year five and am at a very detached place in my mind right now (this week) but my first instinct when I read your post was to go to her.

But then I realized that is my knee jerk reaction to the situation. I know that you have learned much over the years of keeping yourself sane with everything swirling around you and I do feel that you have made the right decision. I am trying very hard myself to not be so reactive to what my Difficult Child says and does.

You need to protect your heart right now. She needs to come to you when she is truly ready to change her life. It is so good you have your son at home to focus on. He needs you more than anyone else does right now. There are so many wise people on this forum.

Hugs to you too!

 

[Hopeful97]

Leafy,

I am so very heartbroken for you over the loss of your hubs you are in my prayers.

It has been a while. As soon as I got on the site to start a thread I saw this thread. I read your initial post and scrolled down to talk to you. My heart sank when I read your words!

There has been a lot going on here too. My thought about what is going on with your d c is that I think I would talk to d c wherever d c is, I wouldn't ask d c to come over or stop by. I might bring some food. If all goes well after several visits I might approach the subject of d c getting real help. I believe that an addict is always an addict just as an alcoholic is always an alcoholic unless they get help and are serious about it, then the hope is one day (sooner rather than later) they will be able to say recovering addict or recovering alcoholic. I would take things extremely slowly. I would not do very much talking for a very long time amd this would be very difficult especially after ok visits with d c. I really cannot say what I would or wouldn't do, I know this has to be ripping you apart all over again not only because of the incredible loss you have had but because your hubs isn't there for the support you gave each other regarding d c so in a way it's a triple whammy.

Remember you are a special person, very loved. A great mom truly needed.

As our d c s have a lot of similarities it makes me think given the situation your d c (as well as mine) would see this as a great opportunity to try to manipulate via words, emotions and actions. I would say right now the best way would be via emotional manipulation because of your tender and vulnerable state. One thing I do know d c s are really good at manipulating especially in a situation when they know we are probably not thinking straight and/or are already on emotional overload. Please, please be very careful.

Know that you and your son are in my prayers as well as the rest of your family.

Huge, Huge, Hugs to you

Hopeful