My daughter and my husband and the grandchildren have good relationships. I just wish my son could get his life together. He is 44 years old! Will it ever get better with my son or will I never have contact with him again?
Okie, I feel the same way sometimes. Okay, truth, a LOT of the time. With my Rain, it has been 20 years of nonsense. Not
super bad all of the time, but the bad has been building and peaking for the last 8 years or so. With Tornado, about 11 years and there are three grands in the mix. It is tough. Hard. Heart wrenching. No contact is invariably easier for me than contact. I am able to push things to the far corners of my mind. Is that heartless? I do not think so. It is warranted.
Unfortunately, my two look to us for rescue, after rescue, then figuratively spit in our faces. That is what it feels like.
Contact is like dealing with con men, flim flam people, scam artists.
There always seems to be a
catch.
So
we have to be very clever.
Go with our heads, not our hearts.
Guard our hearts.
We wouldn't let a stranger treat us this way. Who can blame anyone, for not wanting to speak with someone, who is always looking for the upper hand? Looking for help, but ends up dragging us down, and not appreciative for the help, or sacrifice? It is never enough is it? I keep waiting for the lightbulb to go off, for that moment of truth, when my two will come to me, and say "Mom I am sorry for all of the heartache and pain I have put you through." Then, even then Okie, they will have to prove those words with actions. I will not wait for that to happen, to live my life. You should not either, we have given and given and given. Enough sacrifice. It is enough. My two, 36 and 27, yours 44. They are adults. If we do not want to talk with them, or text them, they shall have to look in the mirror and know why.
They try to fool us, but I do not think they can truly fool themselves.
The truth is a never ending drum within our heartbeat.
In the meantime, since we are not going to wait for our adult children to
get it, we need to build ourselves up.
It is not right for us to live out the rest of our lives, pining away for our d cs, who have made terrible choices.
So, I think we need to be really smart, intuitive, ready, strong.
We are soldiers in the hardest battle.
Soldiers train hard, Okie.
Soldiers are in top shape, their best form, to go into battle.
I think that is what we need to do, take very good care of ourselves, and be battle ready.
We don't only need a toolbox, we need a damn arsenal!
I think the decision to not answer texts, or calls is like a shield.
We are saying,
without saying
"You have not treated me with respect,
I cannot believe what you are saying, I am protecting myself."
I think that is perfectly fine, understandable, I think our d cs, in their right mind, would understand.
Even drug addicts and criminals have a code.
They know, Okie, what they have done.
We do them no good by allowing them to continue to use and abuse us.
They know, deep down inside
they know.
By setting limits and boundaries, protecting and standing up for ourselves,
we are helping them see the stuff they try to bury.
If they have to look at what they have done, then they have a chance to change.
You are doing something good for you, and for your son.
I was thinking of all of the time I spend here on CD, posting and writing to others in like circumstances. It is very strengthening, to know that others are going through the same types of situations. We are not alone in this. At work, out there in the world, relatives, talking with people that do not have troubled children, it can be lonely. But, here, everyone understands.
Writing and posting here, is like journaling with a responding audience.The words of advice, sharing and kindness are very comforting.
So, Okie, if we go back and look at our first posts, we can see why we have come to a point, where we screen texts and calls. Our d cs have not treated us, as we deserve to be treated.
This is unacceptable.
We have to look at ourselves, and love ourselves enough to fight.
Fight the depression, the feeling of going down with the ship.
We do no good to ourselves, our mates, even our d cs, by going down with the ship.
I think the best thing we can do for our d cs, is to show them how to live,
by our living well.
Show them by example.
Pick ourselves up by the bootstraps and soldier on.
Breathe.
Take time every day to do something enjoyable, relaxing, good for us.
Find new hobbies, create a bucket list, goals.
We are soldiers Okie, we need to keep training, keep at it.
We have no control over what our d cs do, but we do have control over how we respond. I think you have made a wise decision by not answering, you are putting YOU first, understanding how draining contact would be.
This seems counter intuitive to our nurturing nature.
We get upset with ourselves.
Stop it Okie, no one can blame you for protecting
yourself.
So,
good response for protecting yourself. GOOD!
Now, to work on the other aspect.
How we deal with our decisions emotionally.
The emotional aftermath of self protect mode.
We can start with baby steps in changing how we respond emotionally, too.
Lift yourself up my dear, you do not belong down there in the darkness.
Do something good for you Okie. Every day, take time to recharge.
It can be a small thing, a relaxing cup of tea, a good book, a nice walk.
You deserve it, and so do I.
It has been a long, hard journey.
We can do this.
One day, one step at a time.
Hang in there warrior sister, you will be okay.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
