What is wrong with me?

[okie girl]

Oh Copa thank you for your advise. I think you are so right, I am depressed. I do take Prozac but I still feel so bad about not being able to cope better. It is one of my worst nightmares for hm to come to my door and want to stay. I know I couldn't make him leave. I am not that strong, I wish I was. I know you did the right thing when you made your son leave. I can only imagine how very hard that had to be. I pray with time I will become stronger. It has been so cold here in Oklahoma and I worry about him having a coat, if he has food, a place to sleep.....my imagination goes crazy. This is like pure torture. I try to act "normal" because my husband(step-dad) says he is done helping him. We have been out so much money trying to help him. My son lies so much, I can't believe anything he says. He has so much potential but just continues to spiral out of control. I thought that when my son was in his forties, he would have his life together. I just love him so much. Thank you again Copa for your post. It does help knowing I have friends, like you and all the other wonderful people on here that hold me up. We all stick together and that helps me so..so. Much. (((Hugs)))

 

[SeekingStrength]

Okie, I love all these responses you are getting. They are helping you, I can tell - and they are helping me.

When I first read your post yesterday, it broke my heart and I could not find the words to write to you. But, others have and they are all speaking the truth.

You ARE doing what is best for you and for your son.

My Difficult Child is 34. Like you, I thought he would grow out of it.

No, he is always a victim. If you do not believe me, ask him. He can spin & distort facts faster than anyone, while keeping such a sincere expression. He has rewritten his entire childhood. And seems to believe it. No wonder he hates his dad and me! We were/are very bad people.

Please stay close to the board. I hope you have a much, much better day - that each day gets a little easier. Although, it seems to be two steps forward, one step back for a few months. It will get become easier.

I remember, early on on this board, a member saying something along the lines of, "Come on SS. Join me in a life without a Difficult Child". It was better written than that, but it made me pause and smile because at that very moment, husband and I were so weighed down with the stress and guilt and remorse of our son's actions and words. not ours - our son's.

It takes a fair amount of time to separate the two and ditch the undeserved guilt. You will get there.

Hugs,
SS

 

[Tanya M]

There is no pain like the pain a child can inflict on a mother.

This should be a bumper sticker or a T-shirt.

 

[Ironbutterfly]

Okie girl, thinking of you and wondering if you heard how court went today for your son. Big ole hug.

 

[okie girl]

Okie, I love all these responses you are getting. They are helping you, I can tell - and they are helping me.

When I first read your post yesterday, it broke my heart and I could not find the words to write to you. But, others have and they are all speaking the truth.

You ARE doing what is best for you and for your son.

My Difficult Child is 34. Like you, I thought he would grow out of it.

No, he is always a victim. If you do not believe me, ask him. He can spin & distort facts faster than anyone, while keeping such a sincere expression. He has rewritten his entire childhood. And seems to believe it. No wonder he hates his dad and me! We were/are very bad people.

Please stay close to the board. I hope you have a much, much better day - that each day gets a little easier. Although, it seems to be two steps forward, one step back for a few months. It will get become easier.

I remember, early on on this board, a member saying something along the lines of, "Come on SS. Join me in a life without a Difficult Child". It was better written than that, but it made me pause and smile because at that very moment, husband and I were so weighed down with the stress and guilt and remorse of our son's actions and words. not ours - our son's.

It takes a fair amount of time to separate the two and ditch the undeserved guilt. You will get there.

Hugs,
SS

Thank you SS. I have had a rough day today. I wanted so bad just to hug my son. Maybe part of it is this dreary weather making me feel down. I know just what you mean by two steps forward and one step back. The stress and guilt can really get to me. Maybe one of these days, our Difficult Child's will grow up and act like responsible adults. (((HUGS)))

 

[okie girl]

Okie girl, thinking of you and wondering if you heard how court went today for your son. Big ole hug.

I checked on the Internet and he did show up with his court appointed counsel. His case was continued until March. At least he showed up! I feel like that is progress. Thank you for thinking of me (((HUGS)))

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We are thinking of you.

:O)

Cedar

 

[Copabanana]

I do take Prozac

I was taking Zoloft. Every other time in my life I took it it worked. Not this time. I switched to Lexapro. I got better. I am not sure if it was that I "got better" or it was the medication or both.

There are now genetic tests that you can get by going to a psychiatrist to see which of SSRI's works better for you. There is typically one SSRI like Zoloft or Paxil or Prozac or Lexapro or one of the newer ones that is optimal for an individual. You swab the inside of your cheek and send it into a lab. I never did it but wanted to, just because it interested me.

The thing for each of us to remember is that there is hope. We seem to each of us think of hope for our children but the hope I am speaking of is hope for ourselves. We are worth saving. Our children are their own business. They will each save themselves, or not. Each of us needs to remind the other of this: we are worth saving. And we do. Thank you.

No, he is always a victim.

Like my own son. It is always somebody else.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I do take Prozac but I still feel so bad about not being able to cope better.

Okie, I wish you would not be so hard on yourself.

Staying in bed for more than 2 years (me). Is that good coping?

These are stakes being driven through our hearts. And we expect ourselves to run marathons? We need to be tender with ourselves. Treat ourselves with respect, for who we are and what we do. Not beat ourselves up for not doing better. Who could do better than we are? Personally, I think every one of us is without peer.

COPA

 

[Hopeful97]

Okie,

Reading what you are going through and all the sharing and responses, I can relate to most everything being said. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I understand, you are stronger than you think. I never thought I would be able to force my d c to leave. After 7 years of repulsive behavior that only got worse and ongoing verbal, emotional and mental abuse (that took one of the closest people to me, my sis, to get me to admit and/or realize that it was abuse) did I have the courage to stand up and tell my d c that if his behavior continued he would no longer live in our home as of his 18th birthday. That was September 2015. There has been extended periods of no contact and periods of some contact. He will seem okay and in a matter of a couple of hours to a day or so then bam the other side of my d c shows up. It is hard I know and from what I have learned on this site, Al Anon, lots of reading one must take care of oneself. Distance is a good thing and difficult but, I think, necessary for our well being.

Someone recommended reading the detachment article at the top of this forum, I also highly recommend reading this article. I printed it and read and reread all the time. I feel what it says is necessary and will help me survive this dreadful journey, yet still let the hope of a better future for my d c remain.

Our d cs must learn that there are consequences to their actions and that they have to live with those conquences. They must learn that they and only they are responsible for their actions, decisions and how they choose to live.

Keep posting it is a life saving, understanding, loving, caring place to seek and receive support, care, understanding, feedback, advice and love.



HUGE HUGS
Hopeful

 

[Copabanana]

Our d cs must learn that there are consequences to their actions and that they have to live with those consequences. They must learn that they and only they are responsible for their actions, decisions and how they choose to live.

I agree emphatically with both of these statements by Hopeful.

My son, and so many others, blames everybody else for what happens. That is why we need to get out of the way. Because if we are in the picture, they will blame us and they do. The more we get ourselves out of it, the clearer it will be for them. Because other people do not after awhile accept their bullshxt. Eventually all they are left with is themselves.

My son said something to me curious when he was here a couple of days ago: He said, Mom, isn't it something that with everything that happened to me, I did not use drugs. I mean, I know I use marijuana but is it not something that I do not use other drugs?

I wish I had answered this: You have reason to be very, very proud of yourself, to not use drugs. People who do not use drugs are smart and exercise self-care. That is a very strong base to build upon. (Because I am not one hundred percent sure that he does not. I do not think he does, but he could be. I cannot know.)

Instead I said something lame like, that's good.

My son is adopted. Both birth parents were dying of AIDS when I adopted him. He was separated from them when 2 weeks old and placed into a crisis nursery, kind of like an orphanage. I met him when he was 22 months. When he was 19 we discovered by accident that he had acquired Hep B at birth. When he was 21 his disease worsened. Both of us were traumatized by the diagnosis and by his illness. He continues to be traumatized by it, I believe, but he displaces the anxiety onto other things.

I am so filled with dread about all of this, my own dashed expectations and hopes, my fears, pain about our relationship, unhappiness about how he is living, etc.-- that I do not sufficiently acknowledge what is good, what is hopeful, what is changing, however incrementally.

I do not really know where I am going with this. Partly I am saying that my son is having to be responsible in his life for things his parents did or did not do. But how, I ask, is that different from any of us?

At the end of the day we all have to work it out, whether we caused it or not, we have to deal with it. Our kids are not exempt. We wish we could suffer for them. We have tried this. It does not work. They have to do it themselves. Let us try not to deceive ourselves that our suffering helps. It does not. Let us try being kind to us. We deserve it.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Okie and SS. Thinking of you both this morning.

No, he is always a victim. If you do not believe me, ask him. He can spin & distort facts faster than anyone, while keeping such a sincere expression. He has rewritten his entire childhood. And seems to believe it. No wonder he hates his dad and me! We were/are very bad people.

Oh, this is my two. And you know what? There are some moments in my stumbling mistakes at parenting, that I do apologize for.
This is what our d cs latch onto, in the whole rewriting of their childhood, as well as laying blame for their choices on their parents. I had to learn not to fall into the trap of it. We are only human, we all make mistakes.

I remember, early on on this board, a member saying something along the lines of, "Come on SS. Join me in a life without a Difficult Child".

I LOVE this SS! To some, it may seem heartless, but to me, after so many years of being intertwined with their choices and consequences, I say AMEN! I love my two, but they are adults. I have done my parenting, and they are rejecting it, for now. I have not lost hope for them. But I think what I am trying so hard to accomplish now, is TRUE love. True love is not the sick, entangled desperation we go through when enmeshed with our d cs. True love is letting go and letting them test their wings. Answering their attempts at bashing, blaming and guilt laying not just with words, but actions...... "I refuse to be disrespected."

The thing for each of us to remember is that there is hope. We seem to each of us think of hope for our children but the hope I am speaking of is hope for ourselves. We are worth saving. Our children are their own business.

I emphatically agree 10000%. This is so well put.

These are stakes being driven through our hearts. And we expect ourselves to run marathons? We need to be tender with ourselves. Treat ourselves with respect, for who we are and what we do. Not beat ourselves up for not doing better. Who could do better than we are? Personally, I think every one of us is without peer.

YES.

Let us try not to deceive ourselves that our suffering helps. It does not. Let us try being kind to us. We deserve it.

We do deserve to be kind to ourselves. Switch the focus of worry and concern for our d cs, to taking better care of ourselves.
Worry does nothing but take away joy. Worry does not one iota, help our d cs, and it hurts us.
How can we expect our d cs to respect us, if we do not respect ourselves?

My two daughters mistreat me, I want nothing to do with them, as long as this is their stance.
I LOVE them, but I do not like them, would not have them in my life as friends. They are not making right choices, and the biggest wrong choice, is trying to walk all over me. I AM DONE with that nonsense!!! UNACCEPTABLE!

They were raised differently, to care for themselves and others, to be respectful. Now, they do not reflect that. Maybe some day. Until that day, I will love them from afar. I have wasted too much of my life, pining away and worrying over their choices. NO MORE.....I still hold on to the hope that they will find their purpose and meaning in life. But, it is not in my power to make this happen, it is all up to them.

It is up to me, to take care of myself, and fulfill my purpose and meaning.
It is up to all of us, to achieve this.
By doing so, we are showing our d cs, what is possible for them.
That is true love.....If we really love our d cs, we will live the rest of our lives with gusto.
No more worrying, no more pining.
Living to the fullest.
Day by day, we will get there.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[Kalahou]

Just checking in to thank you Okie girl for this thread and thanks to everyone for all the responses. Each of all you dear fellow warriors have shared wisdom I also need to process myself in order to meet those challenging “FOG” (fear,obligation,guilt) feelings day by day. I will re-read this thread many times to digest and ponder in my heart the truths you’ve told … truths I need to know to:
· To protect myself and stay safe
and maybe even more so to :
· To feel content and accept the person my son is , ad accept the path my son (36 yr) is on for himself.

I just wish my son could get his life together. He is 44 years old! Will it ever get better with my son or will I never have contact with him again?

He goes to court today. He has nobody. He has a 21 years old daughter and an 18 year old son that will have nothing to do with him. I love him but have done everything I can and nothing has worked. I worry about all the time.

Besides taking care to protect my own heart, I also need to:
· get past my fears and anxiety for my son
· get past my feeling of sadness that he has no one and that his kids will likely have nothing to do with him as they grow older
· get past the fear and uncertainty of what will happen to him in the future, as he may never experience the security of having a steady job and independence / responsibility of meeting life’s needs (as most “normal” people do).

Being an older Difficult Child (36), I have less hope for him being able to change or even getting the desire to change his behavior. While I know there is always hope, it is more likely he will continue in the same hopeless path. What then?

I’m trying to assimilate the truth Thoreau put forth … “If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.”

For sure, our DCs step to the pace of a “different drummer.” I’m trying to understand and accept that my son’s drum may be the right vibration for him (for the person he is) even though it is a beat and sound that totally frustrates, drains and stresses me. My son is just not on the same wavelength with me or with others in our family and friends. Maybe this is alright for him, and I need to understand that is it alright. Since he is away and has no contact for long periods, he apparently has other support, and does not want us … (except when he needs something / is in crisis mode … but if we say “no” he has to find a different way). I’m trying to understand that I must let him go. I am now affirming that “my son is going to be alright” … in accordance with the drummer he steps to, for the person he is.

If I can get to this point - to truly believe this and let go … to truly believe that son is going to be alright, I will have a greater peace and thankfulness in my mind and heart.

How thankful I am for you all, while I regret the reasons that we need to come here. It is a safe place to land and hold tight and know we will survive. Breathe in the new day. Ka la hou

 

[okie girl]

I want to thank all,of the wonderful people who have given encouragement in the last few days. I am continuing to try to be strong and doing my best to detach. I got another text this morning from my son. I didn't read it but my husband saw it and he said he was so tired of me being upset over my son. A little over a year ago, when my son was released from jail, we had money in our savings and was doing okay financially but when my son called me from jail (husband told me not to answer the phone when he called) I talked my husband into buying my sons Harley so he could have money to get back on his feet. Well, my son went through all that money and had nothing to show for it. My son had a truck that we had repaired and put that on our credit card. As I said before, he has no children and grew up with mom and dad in the marines and he was also a marine. His upbringing was so different than mine. Anyway, he just left for work and told me I had 10 months to figure out if I could change my outlook on my 44 year old or he was leaving. He said he has never been in debt like this and had money in savings. I feel so torn, depressed and upset. I feel like I will never have any peace.

 

[BusynMember]

I feel like I will never have any peace.

Oh, sweetie (hope my term of endearment doesn't upset you)...you CAN find peace. Really. You can. Anyone can. It can be hard work, but you can.

Okie, do you have a therapist or have you gone to Al-Anon? THERE IS PEACE OUT THERE.

If you haven't read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, please start there then make an appointment and invest in yourself. Your son is already 44. He should have already launched. He has to do it himself and you deserve a happy rest-of-your-life. Your middle age son should not be controlling your moods AND should not be bankrupting you. Handing somebody free gifts does not make them learn how to succeed. They often just don't appreciate something they did not earn.

Please, please, please take care of yourself and your marriage. Since your son is already in his 40's, I feel your focus should be on your relationship with your beloved spouse now. I also feel he is trying to help you by giving you that ultimatum. He is indeed trying to be a rock and your best friend.
Hugs and more hugs.

 

[okie girl]

I Really try to detach and be strong but I am so tired. My husband just thinks I should be able to just "cut the cord" but I have always felt like I should help him. As they say "a mother's love is unconditional". I have the book Codependent No More and have had for years and have read it several times. I made an appointment with my psychologist for Feb 1st. I tape all of my sessions with him and go back and listen to them but know what I need to do but have trouble doing it. My husband is such a good man. I feel like I am not being fair to him. This is a terrible place to be in

 

[BusynMember]

It's a horrible place, but you can't be there for your son. When he was little you could, but now he has to be there for himself. Nobody can be there for him except for him.

Life is short. I hope you can enjoy it with your husband. Your son will have to walk his own life's path. We can not control another adult. We are powerless over their choices and it doesn't help them to give them free stuff. In fact, they just want more. What will they do when we are gone?

 

[okie girl]

I am feeling like I am choosing between my son and my husband. I know what I must do. I know I can't do anymore for my son. I love my son with all my heart but nothing I have done has worked. I need to be strong and stop feeling sorry for my son and myself. Thank you SWOT for your continued support. I appreciate it so much.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I Really try to detach and be strong but I am so tired. My husband just thinks I should be able to just "cut the cord" but I have always felt like I should help him

Dear Okie Girl...

You don't need to cut off your feelings for your son. He will always be your son, and you will likely always carry him in your heart.

But. Sometimes it is helpful to pull back a little and look at the big picture. You want to "help" but... is this kind of "help" actually helping him? Or is it just maintaining the status quo. Sometimes, our "need" of being the "helper" overrides common sense. Putting yourself in debt to help someone who isn't prepared to help themselves doesn't make sense. Use your head. Protect yourself - and your relationship. Your son doesn't have the right to destroy you or your other relationships.

 

[Jabberwockey]

Anyway, he just left for work and told me I had 10 months to figure out if I could change my outlook on my 44 year old or he was leaving.

Okie, everyone else has been giving wonderful advice and encouragement so I've chosen not to comment until now. I seem to be very similar in attitude to your husband. One thing that the Corps teaches you is accountability. If you make a mistake, OWN IT! It is very difficult for us to look at someone else who is being coddled and having their mistakes covered and not be confused. Add to this the fact that most who go into any branch of the service tend to have a great desire to protect. I can tell you from personal experience that I've had times that resisting the urge to beat the living crap out of our son because he was causing Lil pain. Usually, the only thing that kept me from doing it was knowing that if I did that then it would cause her even more pain. Its a very frustrating way to live. I've never given her this ultimatum but also wont deny that the thought has crossed my mind. Sorry honey. Then we both got, basically, on the same page and it got a LOT better for us. Being on a different page about your children will cause all kinds of friction for no good reason.

I am feeling like I am choosing between my son and my husband.

That's complete and utter crap. Your "child" is a 44 year old MAN! Lil may see this and comment.

My husband just thinks I should be able to just "cut the cord" but I have always felt like I should help him.

Its a guy thing. I've said it before but it bears repeating here. Women tend to be nurturers and there is never really an end to that. Men tend to be preparers. Once the preparation is complete and they are out the door, we are basically done. Not that we don't love and care for our children, but we've prepared them to be accountable and successful and expect them to sink or swim on their own. Doesn't mean we wont help from time to time, just means that we tend to wait till they've gone down for the last time before stepping in.