What's happening to me in detachment...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Childofmine, Feb 21, 2014.

  1. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    How painful that 2nd letter must have been for you to read. I agree that he is escalating now that things are closing in on him. But he still isn't taking any responsibility, for ANY of it, other than being hungry. And he could have dealt with that without theft. And he doesn't have to use it to try to guilt trip you.

    All he knows to do is to feel betrayed, without any recognition of how his actions affect YOU, to act incredulous and offended that you would ever get to the point of having enough. My son was the same way, when we told him "enough." That same offense at our bad timing, as if there is ever a GOOD time to be driven to that point.

    I don't have any words of wisdom to add to the great posts here. I too think sitting and letting the mud settle is the right thing to do right now.
     
    Last edited: Apr 14, 2014
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Allowing our adult kids to experience the natural consequences of their choices while we stay in the massive uncomfortableness of not stepping in to help is at the core of enabling and is, in my opinion, the most difficult part. The kids up the ante and for us, it's as if we have given up the drug and we're now experiencing the symptoms of withdrawal. Enabling, at it's root, is for us to not experience the pain of allowing them to fail, to suffer, to hurt, to be afraid, whatever it is, but we want to stop it for them. It's fear and control. And, for many of us, we've done it for a long time, so letting go is wrought with despair and heartache.

    COM, ask yourself, what is the worst that can happen? Looks like he goes to prison. Ask yourself, did you cause that? No. Ask yourself if anything you've done thus far has made any difference in the choices he has made? Likely not. Ask yourself if he goes to prison, what is your fear? Work through your fears about what will happen. Because, most of the time, we create catastrophic thoughts around what will happen to our kids.........and usually, those fears are not real.

    This is the hardest part in my experience, this is where our attachments come flying out at us at warp speed. This is where you get to look at your fears and one by one, acknowledge them, express them, deal with them, release them. One step at a time. As you go through all of that, you will feel better. As you realize, without any doubts, there is nothing you can do. You cannot control this. You will let go, little by little, and then, after one huge deep breath, you'll likely say to yourself, "there is nothing more I can do."

    You can't be detached until you're detached. My therapist used to say to us all the time, "you'll get there when you get there."

    It's a process. Like everything we do in life. We practice. We practice. We make mistakes. We grow. We learn. We try so hard. We beat ourselves up for not doing it sooner. We go back and forward and upside down. And, then one day, we are detached and we accept. Poof, now you're over here. Only the 'poof' does take time.

    I think that the most important step you and I and anyone on this path must take............is to feel a deep and abiding compassion for ourselves. For me, that was key, I can't stress that enough. I can recall my thoughts right after I had one of those ah ha moments on this journey..........and right after I said to myself, "I didn't do anything wrong." "I didn't do anything wrong." Some sense of guilt or wrongdoing was lifted off of me and I realized that I hadn't done anything wrong here, with my daughter. All of that trying to live up to some motherhood perfection had failed, I ended up being just a flawed human being. And, what an enormous relief it was too. I realized I had done the best I could, with what I brought to the table.........and that's all any of us can expect from ourselves. That compassion, that kindness turned inward, brought comfort, it brought self acceptance...............which I believe is how you learn to accept what is, by first accepting yourself. By being kind to yourself and realizing that this is hard and we deserve our own care, our own love towards ourselves. I don't believe we can accept what is, without accepting ourselves. It all begins with us.

    From When things Fall Apart-----"Maybe the most important thing is to lighten up and relax. It's such a huge help in working with our crazy mixed up minds to remember that what we're doing is unlocking a softness that is in us and letting it spread. We're letting it blur the sharp corners of self criticism and complaint. Finally I came to that moment when I was ready to slow down the habitual momentum of my mind and stop being so predictable. There was such a huge longing to solve the problem. Here I was stepping into no-mans-land. Here I was feeling shaky. It was real, not some lofty theory I'd read in a book. I didn't know what would happen next, but anything was preferable to reacting in the same stuck way. Do we at least aspire to not consider ourselves a problem, but simply a pretty typical human being, who could at that moment give herself a break and stop being so predictable? My experience is that this is how our thoughts begin to slow down. Magically it seems there is a lot more space to breathe, a lot more room to dance and a lot more happiness. We relate compassionately with where we find ourselves and begin to see our predicament as workable. We are stuck in patterns of grasping and fixating which cause the same thoughts and reactions to occur again and again and again. In this way we project our world. When we see that, even if it's only for one second every three weeks, then we'll naturally discover the knack of reversing this process of making things solid, the knack of stopping the claustrophobic world as we know it, putting down our centuries of baggage and stepping into new territory."

    You always do your very, very best COM, you are earnest and honest and true blue all the way down the line.............you turn over every rock and investigate every option, you are clearheaded and approach everything with integrity and honor..................you are amazing.

    How are you acknowledging your preciousness, your beauty, your sheer awesomeness? That is, in my opinion, your job now.
     
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