What's happening to me in detachment...

[Childofmine]

Here is the letter I received from difficult child today:

Hey, how's it going? This is some crap for me and I can't believe this is happening....But I was so damn hungry I had to eat something. What i don't get is how I can get charged when I was in the store the whole time. And all this has to happen right when I start a job Monday. I hope I can get bonded out so I can fight it plus the fact that I never left the store should help. Also I want to talk to my probation officer because a lot of times they won't violate you on misdemeanors and especially if he heard what happened. But I'm sick to my stomach and I really was going good, no drugs, nothing...I was just hungry, that's it. I've been telling ya'll it's hard to get straight out of jail with nothing because sometimes you go to do what you got to do to eat...But call my PO Tuesday (officer ___) and keep calling till you talk to him not just a message and tell him the whole story not just I got a charge ok? and please don't forget to get my money and go to the 2nd floor clerk office and pay $40 you'll be talking to Mrs. Becker someone you know because I can't lose my license on top of all of this too, then I would be more screwed than I already am. And if you would you could bail me out it's only $200 and I have a fighting chance on the street but in jail I'm going to have to take this theft charge most likely on the street I could beat it AND get my PO not to violate me. But I know you probably won't, but if out of all the times to do it, this would be the one because prison is on the line...I just feel so stupid getting in trouble for food...but I was hungry. I'm still going to try to get someone to get me out but people say they will and it never comes through but I can always hope. If you don't get me out just talk to my PO for me and tell him the story and see what happens and don't forget my license please. Thanks.
Love you and I'm sorry,
difficult child

This whole episode has shaken my good foundation. I am spending most of every day moving forward well but I am having some shaky times too. I am doing the black and white thinking myself---it's always going to be this way, nothing ever changes. I KNOW how empty that kind of thinking is, but I find my mind still going there.

This seems like such a setback but it is what I thought would happen so why do I feel so full of despair.

I am not going to call his PO. He asked me to do it on Thursday and in the heat of the moment I said I would but I am going to write him and say I am not. I have nothing to say to that man. He already has the arrest report I am sure with the details of what he stole. It wasn't just food and everybody can see that clearly. And even if it was, stealing is still wrong and he was told no more chances.

I need to trust that this is his journey. I am going to redouble my efforts with all of the things I know will help get my mind right again.

You gave him the opportunity to choose, and he chose. He is in control of his own life.

This is the truth right here straight out, Echo. I am going to write that in my postcard to him.

Life is long, Child. It may take him another 10 rounds, who knows. He may like it this way, who knows.

I am so tired of these rounds. I can actually see now how people cut off all contact. I am just so weary of this. But if I did that, I would be worried sick about him. There is no good answer here, for me.

Except let time take its time. I know that tomorrow will be better and the next day even better. I have to regain myself.

Thank you ALL for posting to me about this. It helps so much to read your words. It makes me cry with knowing that you care and YOU GET IT. More later. Thank you peeps!

 

[Carri]

Our stories are so similar. Isn't it hard not to have our own relapses? The black and white think, with me it's also circular thinking. I can be doing so well and then when something big happens, like back in jail, I go back to my old thinking. But at least I'm aware of it and can slow myself down. My son is currently in LA Mens Central Jail, in the top 10 of worse prisons in the USA. The fact that he can't post bail takes the pressure off of me. It's so hard, isn't it? This detachment with love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Have you read the book "Stay Close"? Fantastic book. I picked up the book I've seen you recommend and am working my way through it. You're a strong lady with so many words of wisdom. I enjoy your posts. Hang in there. One. Day. At. A. Time.


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[recoveringenabler]

Oh my COM. I read your sons letter. I am so sorry.

To give you a little perspective, my 41 year old daughter would be saying and asking the exact same things. They are very good at shining on any responsibility, expertly shifting blame, avoiding the whole truth with snippets designed to impact YOU with his 'hunger pain'. It's a very well practiced script COM and in the past, your part of that script was memorized. Now you wrote yourself a new script but you still know the lines to the old one. The thing about the new script is, it is improvisational, you show up, you pay attention, you tell the truth and you detach from the outcome. Way different from responding in ways we think we should. Improv gives you the freedom to be in the moment and respond with your truth, from your heart.

It is a minor setback. He is throwing out all the lines that have worked in the past. You are not falling for them. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt while you change. But, change is exactly what you are doing. No good will come out of you bailing him out, or you talking to his PO, or you doing anything.

It's good for me to read your son's letter to you. It's easier for me to see the manipulation, the guilting of you, the use of your love for his immediate needs. It's very cunning. Our kids are so damn smart. My daughter's IQ is off the charts. I just wish she would use all that brain power for good rather then to get what she wants and needs by exerting her expert manipulation skill.

COM, I am continually impressed by your remarkable commitment and your steadfast intention to change this connection with your son. What carried me through was my own commitment to myself and my intention to change. One day at a time.

You've got all of the tools at your fingertips and you know how and when to use them. You have what you need. You have the deep commitment. You have the strength. You have the courage. You have the support. You have the spiritual background. You have it all. You are one strong, amazing spiritual warrior. I respect how you are going through all of this COM.

Hang in there. As you said, tomorrow you will feel better. And, the next day even better. Choose peace. Choose life. Choose joy. I am right there with you. And, COM? From one of your peeps........MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!

 

[BusynMember]

Recovering Enabler, you are SO welcome back, I'm sure by all, especially by me. I missed you.

COM, I refrained from posting as I have never had a child in jail and didn't want to pretend I know how horrible it is. However, I did want to comment on the letter. Although I haven't received letters, I've had phone conversations with my difficult children that were very similar to yours. I'm going to try to read through the words and I am so sorry you are hurting.

in my opinion, he is focusing on the "I am hungry" part because almost nothing makes us sicker than to hear that our kids are hungry. So I do think he is trying to make you feel guilty. The thing is, there ARE places to get free food and meals. You have to be willing to go there, but there are soup kitchens and, at the very worst, restaurants and grocery stories through out perfectly good food if they are old, I think. He must know the ways to get food. Does he have a food card? If so, why not? Did he not go through the steps you have to take to get one? Taking it a step further, could he now have still been at home, eating good meals, if he had followed probably the simple rules you set in place in order for him to live with you? I am trying to be logical and hopefully to soothe your guilt. His predicament is not your fault. But you know that. You are always so smart. You manage to do what you feel is best and you are very strong.

In spite of knowing when we are getting the guilt treatment, there is no doubt it is hard to just shut our eyes. We do have hearts. We do love our kids, no matter what they do. That's a mother's curse.

Gentle hugs.

 

[Echolette]

Was he going to eat the x-box?

 

[Stress Bunny]

COM, it's very helpful that you posted his communication with you, as it gives us a picture of his thought processes.

The content of the letter reveals very little personal responsibility for his situation. His view seems to be that these events are unfairly happening to him, as he does not acknowledge his role. The only statement in the entire letter that indicates any responsibility is the very last line, where he states he is sorry. Nothing in his letter backs up that statement, though. Most of the letter revolves around what he wants and needs from others in order to get out of his present undesirable situation.

COM, our oldest difficult child was just recently jailed, and we posted bail this time (required him to pay us back immediately), and the first thing he said (like always when he gets in trouble) is "I just want to say I'm sorry." He said this right after husband posted bail and picked him up to take him home from the jail. But it is a robotic and empty statement. He doesn't really mean it. He just tries to say what he thinks he should say in order to get what he wants from us. He uses us. When he doesn't get what he wants, he tries the guilt and blame and berate tactics. Sorry is as sorry does, and let me tell you, our difficult child is not truly sorry. I know this because he justifies and rationalizes every poor choice he makes and continues to make them. He is only "sorry" when he wants something.

Your son is playing the sympathy card with you right now, hoping you will do things to save him from facing the full consequences of his actions. I am sorry that you are going through this. It certainly betrays our instincts as parents to refuse "help" to our kids. But remember that talking to his PO or posting bail is not really helping him at all. If you really want to help him, you need to set boundaries with him so that his problems remain his problems and not your problems. In the short run, this may be difficult, but in the long run, you will have done everything you can to provide real help to your son.

Great job recognizing the manipulation and stopping the enabling.

Keep posting, as we're all here for you.

 

[SeekingStrength]

It's good for me to read your son's letter to you. It's easier for me to see the manipulation, the guilting of you, the use of your love for his immediate needs. It's very cunning. Our kids are so damn smart. My daughter's IQ is off the charts. I just wish she would use all that brain power for good rather then to get what she wants and needs by exerting her expert manipulation skill.
COM, I am continually impressed by your remarkable commitment and your steadfast intention to change this connection with your son. What carried me through was my own commitment to myself and my intention to change. One day at a time.

These thoughts popped into my head immediately, as well.

COM, I can't remember why your son is not currently in long term treatment, though you want that for him. Would contacting the PO to suggest that long term treatment be made part of your son's probation be an idea? Perhaps, if a family member brings it up, a lightbulb might go off in the PO's head and get the ball rolling.

Maybe he has already been that route...

When I was sharing letters here from gfg32, folks were so good to see things objectively and point them out. With the letter you just posted, I can see the manipulation and revisionist description of his arrest so much more easily than I could ever see in gfg32's communications. Funny (not haha! kind) how that works.

 

[Childofmine]

COM, I am continually impressed by your remarkable commitment and your steadfast intention to change this connection with your son. What carried me through was my own commitment to myself and my intention to change. One day at a time.
You've got all of the tools at your fingertips and you know how and when to use them. You have what you need. You have the deep commitment. You have the strength. You have the courage. You have the support. You have the spiritual background. You have it all. You are one strong, amazing spiritual warrior. I respect how you are going through all of this COM.
Hang in there. As you said, tomorrow you will feel better. And, the next day even better. Choose peace. Choose life. Choose joy. I am right there with you. And, COM? From one of your peeps........MAY THE FORCE BE WITH YOU!!

Oh RE, first you made me cry and then you made me Laugh!!! Thank you. I don't feel so strong as you think I am, but I am "some strong." Stronger than I WAS, that is for sure.

Work, work, work. That is what it takes. It won't happen by itself. It takes daily work. It is like exercise for the body---this is exercise for what---the brain, the soul, the being?

I love this place.

 

[Childofmine]

Oh, I love you guys. Every one of you has something I need to hear and want to hear. Thank you.

Isn't it hard not to have our own relapses? The black and white think, with me it's also circular thinking.

I relapse over and over and over. It is so humbling, and it gives me just a taste of what it must be like for people who are truly in recovery. Yep, circles, and if this, then that, wait, what? Good or bad, no grays. That is sick thinking and I even recognize it when I do it. That is where these practices like Cedar posted from Pema Chodron, can interrupt our own sick thinking.

This detachment with love is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Have you read the book "Stay Close"? Fantastic book.

I will get that book, Carri! I am big book person and I have about five books right now, all in various states of being read, to help me. Tools.

in my opinion, he is focusing on the "I am hungry" part because almost nothing makes us sicker than to hear that our kids are hungry. So I do think he is trying to make you feel guilty. The thing is, there ARE places to get free food and meals. You have to be willing to go there, but there are soup kitchens and, at the very worst, restaurants and grocery stories through out perfectly good food if they are old, I think. He must know the ways to get food.

Don't hesitate to post to me, MWM. I love your straight talk. Yep, you are so so right. He has to know I can't hardly hear that he is hungry, that anybody is hungry, even when I am screaming BS! I recently found out that he can eat 3 free meals a day weekdays and two free meals a day weekends. All of the weekday places are within two miles of each other. Weekends are a bit more spread out. Plus he got food stamps but he has to get a drug evaluation. after the first amount of food stamps and who know whether he has done that or not. It's very interesting that anyplace that drug tests, he doesn't take what they offer. Hmmm....

Like I told, SO, rather than steal from Wal-mart (I mean really? They probably have more cameras than Fort Knox and they prosecute every single time I'm told. Plain stupid. He was probably high. Who knows?) why don't you stand on the corner with your handout and collect $5 in 10 minutes and then buy something to eat if you're so hungry? Whatever. I can spend hours retracing his bad decisions...to what end?

In spite of knowing when we are getting the guilt treatment, there is no doubt it is hard to just shut our eyes.

Yes it is, and you know MWM, I don't know if I ever want to be in the place where I don't feel the pain of this. Will I even still be alive at that point? Though, a little less pain would be nice. (lol).

Was he going to eat the x-box?

I LOVE THIS! I am going to ask him this on the next postcard. I sat down last night and wrote a postcard (jail only accepts postcards now, no letters, so i went to the PO and bought 10 and they are already stamped. So I wrote one last night in response to the letter. I said: I paid your $50 for April on your driver's license. You will owe $20 a month, from May on out. I am not contacting your PO. He likely read the warrant just like I did. You stole more than food. I can't even think of anything else to say to you right now. I so don't understand any of this. You have everything you need to make a good life, and yet you continuously make these choices. You have been able to choose for yourself since Feb. 14 and you choose this? Why??? I love you. Mom

It's good that there isn't too much room to write as I can tend to go on and on throwing words at things. Another Holy Coincidence.

SO and I went to get pizza last night and we drove by the PO and I dropped it in. That was cathartic for me. Writing that postcard to him has helped me move on. I slept good last night. I feel so much better today.

The content of the letter reveals very little personal responsibility for his situation. His view seems to be that these events are unfairly happening to him, as he does not acknowledge his role. The only statement in the entire letter that indicates any responsibility is the very last line, where he states he is sorry. Nothing in his letter backs up that statement, though

It is such a gift to share his exact letter with you all and get your thoughts. Sometimes I can't see clearly with him. Things get muddled very quickly. I am better, but keeping the distance between us is the only way I can stay clear about him and about me. That is so sad. But true.

And yes, he STILL does not accept responsibility. SO says that is his fundamental issue. No responsibility. No rules. He said last night, when _____ gets that, he will be on the way.

You are so right, Stress. Thank you.

With the letter you just posted, I can see the manipulation and revisionist description of his arrest so much more easily than I could ever see in gfg32's communications. Funny (not haha! kind) how that works.

Yes, we can see others' issues so much more clearly. That is exactly why I need this tool, this board, to help me see more clearly. Otherwise, I am all over the place. Tools are the answer.

So glad you all said that the letter is vintage difficult child. No change, really. And when I think about it, why would there be? He has no program at all.

Okay I am getting to it today for now. Thank you, thank you thank you. I am so grateful for each one of you! Big hugs. Have a good day today.

 

[Albatross]

I was also struck by the lack of responsibility he is accepting for all of this. Cancer and car accidents "happen" and we have trouble believing it. Not shoplifting.

I was also impressed by the specificity and intricacy of his instructions on how he would like YOU to handle things for him! Good grief! My gut reaction is, he is thinking ahead quite clearly and should have done that in Walmart!

It's up to him to tell his PO the "whole story" and not just that he got a charge. It shouldn't be your dilemma whether to tell the WHOLE story (including the x-box controller and the beer, which is probably NOT what your son meant when he asked you to speak to the PO). I have often thought how many of my son's issues are rooted in a basic inability to just be honest. Rigorous honesty, as they keep pounding home in AA. If they could just learn to be HONEST...

Obviously I don't know what's best here, COM. I think your son would really benefit from some sort of long-term addiction treatment, but he has to stop scheming and be still long enough to acknowledge his demons. I don't know how or why a person finally gets to that point. I've had people in my life that, no matter how bad it got, just kept climbing deeper into the holes they dug for themselves -- and would slap the hands away of anyone who tried to reach in and help them. Others, for seemingly no reason at all, just one day "got it." I SO hope that day is coming soon for your son, whatever path he takes to get there. But it is HIS path and he has to travel it in HIS time. Until then, I hope that you are finding a place of refuge from all of this today and that you are continuing to take good care of you.

 

[Albatross]

Your post came in while I was writing mine.

So glad you all said that the letter is vintage difficult child. No change, really. And when I think about it, why would there be? He has no program at all.

Just wanted to add, you have changed. You have a program. The situation has changed.

How that plays out in his life is not under anyone else's control.

 

[amys3yungins]

About 5 years ago my difficult child was in court for stealing a CD. I sat and watched some woman on trial for shoplifting air freshner and I laughed to myself thinking how silly that was. I should not have judged her because about 2 years later ( now about 3 years ago-- he was 19) my difficult child stole from WalMart too. He stole a christmas tree car air freshner that was $2.00 and he had a $10 dollar bill I had just given him an hour before!!! I was so disgusted!! We picked him up from jail as the magistrate let him sign himself out with no bail money due. Well, my husband took him back to the WalMart to get his car. Someone had left a 12 pack of pepsi in a shopping cart in the parking lot. My difficult child took the pepsi and put it in his car and brought it home!! I was doubly disgusted. I thought about taking it back to the store but I gave it to a church. I was scared I would somehow be connected with the theft if I tried to take it back. How can someone first steal something so stupid, go to jail and then come right back to the same store and take something else 2 hours later???!! Just thought I'd try to make it sound a little better for you. At least he stole food and something fun to do.

All that being said, I feel your pain and frustration for your son as I face the same feelings with mine. But I see that you mention God alot and believe me, he is always faithful and he has proven this to me over and over again.
I will pray for you and your son.

 

[Echolette]

Except let time take its time. I know that tomorrow will be better and the next day even better. I have to regain myself.

So now I will stop commenting on difficult child and just focus on you, Child. You are exactly right here. It does get better. I'm not sure I buy the 90 second theory that has been mentioned in other posts...that doesn't match my experience, really...but I do know that grief and sorry and anger all abate over time, especially when you have a toolbox to address them head on. You are honest with him and with yourself. You know how to sit with the emotions and let them run through you. YOu know how to help yourself be well. Tomorrow will be better and the next day more so. You will regain yourself.

Keep posting!

Echo

 

[Childofmine]

I wanted to give you all an update. I have continued to get my "sea legs" back. I am much better but I am still a bit shaky. I have been contemplating the idea that I have not accepted "what is"---I have simply detached and waited for change.

I am working on the balance between hope and expectation. I still don't know how to straddle that line.

SO and I had a busy weekend. We went out Friday night with friends, to the lake Saturday to fish in the motor home for the day, and today AlAnon, church and cleaned out garage all afternoon.

I got a letter from difficult child yesterday. Here it is: (I had written him back to the first letter---a postcard basically saying I am not calling your PO. He will see the arrest warrant like I did. You stole more than food. You had a chance to choose differently since Feb. 14 and you chose this. Why??? I love you, Mom

Letter:

I don't know what you're talking about because for one I never actually stole anything, and two, yes, I was just getting food. I need to somehow get in touch with my PO and let him hear what happened and hopefully he won't violate me. Are you seriously not going to call him? That is not much to ask...this could be the deciding factor of prison or not and you can't even be on my team for that???!!! I don't now what the report said but all I was doing was eating food because i had to eat. I had to do what I had to do. Apparently the report isn't completely accurate and I am not surprised because when the cops showed up the Walmart people said I tried to run too which also isn't true. They have video which can prove that. Please, just contact him and see what he say, tell him I'm willing to get help or anything. Please call if you care which it doesn't seem like you do lately. I feel stupid and know I shouldn't of done that but I had to do what I had to do to eat. Please call him...Please.

Oh, and is there anyway you can get my w2s out of my bag and take them to a tax place? I would appreciate it. There should be two. Thanks.

*********************

So, the insanity continues. When I read this, I just felt sick. Of course, I am not contacting the PO. That would be ridiculous on so many levels.

SO had a good suggestion: spend this week writing down all of my thoughts about the situation today and difficult child. Then, at the end of the week, consider whether I want to write him back or not. Wait. Don't do anything now.

I think that is good advice. My head is spinning with a million things to say. I am also thinking about not responding at all but there are today, so many things I want to say.

Wait is always good advice. There is no urgency to respond today.

I am still very very very tired of all of this, in a big picture way and in a day to day way. It makes me so very tired. I am going to bed now but I wanted to share this with you all.

He is doing the same thing he always does. Denies it all. Blames other people. Wants me to do things to fix it.

Nothing has changed on his end. Even though my behavior has changed a great deal. I know there is never a guarantee our difficult children will change when we change, but that is my hope.

I must, I must take any remaining focus I have on him and put it on myself. I just wonder if we truly need to not speak for a long while. That is hard to type, even. But I am wondering if that is best, first for me, and also for him.

 

[Terryforvols]

COM,

Waiting is such a good idea! I am a person who, when difficult child provoked me, HAD to say something. Am learning, extremely slowly, to keep my mouth shut and written word to myself. I might write things down but am learning not to mail until I am more stable! Good for you!

difficult child has backed off asking us to do all these random things the longer she is in jail. At first it was could you call XYZ, but now nothing. Oddly, since I am willing to talk to her now, I am sad she calls abt once a week! I should not be so selfish bc she is actually respecting our wishes...she usually called repeatedly and knew we wldnt answer bc we put enough $$ on there for 1 call a week, unless she had something to tell us abt her case. You know, its hard to adjust to that bc its so out of character! I just dont know how to feel. Maybe she is changing??? She has no visitors bc doesnt want her children to see her there, so she is making it alone. I guess we've enabled her for so long, I dont know how to feel abt her maybe getting better???!!

Am crying now and dont even know why!!! Good night and everyone have a great Monday!!

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[Childofmine]

Oddly, since I am willing to talk to her now, I am sad she calls abt once a week!

I think it takes time for all of us to change.

We get us to living in the insanity and then when/if it abates for a time,we have to figure out how to live again.

Focus on yourself, Terry. Let her go. Work on this every day. Your life will be so much better if you can work hard to let her go, and turn that emotion, energy, focus back on yourself and husband.

There are a lot of tools to help us learn to do that, and it is so worth the time and the effort.

I have a ways to go, but I am so much better than I was. I am very grateful today for Al-Anon, the people on this board, my faith and all of the ways I work hard to reclaim my own life regardless.

Have a great day today! Blessings and peace and hope I am wishing for you.

 

[Echolette]

I have been contemplating the idea that I have not accepted "what is"---I have simply detached and waited for change.
I am working on the balance between hope and expectation. I still don't know how to straddle that line.

Yes, I recognize that. That is what I am doing as well. Waiting for change. Which isn't coming. If change is what I want should I be doing something? What? If acceptance is what I want...I don't know how to do that. I think I have been practicing tolerance and patience, not acceptance.

That is one hard letter to read. It jumps out at me that he is more desperate now because he can't believe you aren't going to step in...he is escalating in tone, as you and I have witnessed so many other difficult child's doing in these pages. When some one else's difficult child does it it is easier to see, and we can be reassuring, calming. When ours do it....so very hard. Those are hard letters to read.

I completely agree with you that there is no value whatsoever in calling the PO. I seriously doubt that are interested in or will put any weight on a call from a mom of a 24 year old.

Your oft repeated stand that doing nothing is often best is exactly right here, as you note. Pause. There is no rush. Do nothing.

Your SO's suggestion of journalling is a very good one.

And, Child? Post every day. I find that so so useful when I feel I am being swept away, when the ground becomes unstable, when my uncertainty and instability rises. Its like journalling only different.

It was good for me to take 2+ months off from any contact with difficult child. I needed that space to rest and to heal. What will happen with your difficult child will happen, whether you intervene or not. The rules of law and court will role on without you. You can choose to pause and rest now, if now is the right time for that. The door to that choice is always open.

That said, I don't always (ever???) learn from my own lessons. difficult child is around again...telling me he is going to AA daily, that he is clean, that he has a caseworker. Does he? Is he? Who knows. SAturday he came and helped do spring cleaning on our roofdeck, then did his laundry, then fell asleep watching TV (I woke him and he left at night). Sunday he came over for dinner (as planned) and popped right upstairs to watch TV as though he lived with me. Both days I was drained and irritable when he left. Both my younger sons noted and commented on it..one to say that he also felt drained (that was Saturday) and one to say that he saw what happened with me, and that he was sorry...that he realized then how difficult child always drained me. But...if he is straight and trying, should I help? I don't want to drift into "and then I hang out at mom's all weekend and do my laundry"

My plan for now, Child...you got it !!! Do nothing for a bit! I am travelling for work as well as going to visit my daughter at college a lot these next few weeks. He can't crowd me from a distance. No need to do anything now. I will wait.

You can too.

Holding you tight in my thoughts and in my heart,

Echo

 

[BusynMember]

I reconciled waiting and acceptance when I masterd "RAdical Acceptance." I will post if ro you. To me, it is the only way to life sane with a disturbed and often self-destructive loved one. When I read this, it just REALLY kicked in and made more sense than other other method I have tried because all the other ones did include a sneaky clause that said, "If you don't like what ____ does, you can always try to change it again. No law against that." It kept me a little on edge and a little crazy. Radical Acceptance allows me to live one minute at a time, not even one day at a time, and allows me to accept that what I don't like still exists...it is what it is. And I am not as frantic and forward thinking about catastrophes as I used to be. Give it a try. See what you think. (P.S.---I slip up at times and have to go back to reading this.)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

 

[Childofmine]

reconciled waiting and acceptance when I masterd "RAdical Acceptance."

I read it MWM. I agree with it all. It makes perfect sense to me.

I have read it before. I just don't know how to DO IT.

Ugh.

I know the answer to this. It is keep moving forward with all of these tools, and little by little I will get better. I am recovering from the disease of enabling. I am trying to live with an impossible situation, the watching of self-destruction of someone I love very much. While stopping doing anything.

One of the things we learn in Al-Anon is not take things personally. That sounds like a quick and easy saying, but it's not. Most of us take everything personally. It causes us to live twisted up about all kinds of things.

My son's addiction is not about me. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. The Three Cs.

It truly has nothing to do with me.

Sometimes I think that having any contact with him gives him some kind of crazy idea that he can still manipulate me into doing what he wants. Not what I want. What he wants.

And when I do one single thing, one little thing for him, he pushes the door hard, hard, hard to get it open wider for more things.

And then I think that maybe if I have no contact with him that idea will go away. He will finally know he has to stand on his own and do something different.

Of course, if I knew that would happen, I would do it in an instant. No matter how hard it would be for me.

But today, I am thinking first of myself so much more often. What do I want to do?

I am wanting to do nearly nothing right now. Just be in his presence, just to see him, every week or so. Just to know he is alive.

Every time, my contact and my actions get less and less and less. I feel it shrinking to nearly nothing. Maybe it needs to be nearly nothing.

Who knows???? Time is my friend. I am going to let time take its time and I will be able to see more clearly as the days go by. I am counting on it.

Thank you for your words and your guidance. It is so good to hear and to read.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

It wasn't just food

And in that, if you choose to see it, Child, is the truth about who your son wants to be at this point in his life. That could change tomorrow, or never. You posted further on that his journey was his own. I am sure his journey takes courage...but I wonder whether the journey he has set you on takes more courage, more honesty, more determination than anything your son will ever face.

You are the mother.

The things we have to face here before we can learn are so destructive to everything we learned about ourselves through loving our babies, through being pregnant, through freely giving everything we were over to the process of becoming a mother. Not a thoughtless mother who saw her child through some foggy notion that they would be alright. I think we were mothers determined to mother with integrity, with energy, with a fiery kind of love that would set these children on their paths so healthy, so well loved that nothing could hurt or stop them.

But that isn't what happened.

We are suffering at a depth our children know nothing about.

I think there is honor in honestly facing the pain; honor in seeing the true nature of the choices our children are making.

For me, the emotion I was hiding from turned out to be rage.

Not very pretty.

Ultimately, it would turn out to be about forgiving myself.

This seems like such a setback but it is what I thought would happen so whydo I feel so full of despair.

Because it is a mother's job/value/task to believe in and for her child. Your child took that gift from you wholeheartedly. In your honesty, you demanded time. You demanded the same brutal honesty from him that you expect in yourself. You believed you and your son were forging something real, some strengthening something that would turn all this around.

And you were.

And then, he betrayed you.

For me, that is what the X Box represents.

For me, the myriad betrayals between my children and myself boiled down to something that feels like guilt. That feeling is what I was running away from when I chose enabling. (I had to look at what there was in it for me, in the enabling I did. Not very pretty.) I had never (and still have not) forgiven myself for what happened to the children for whom I was responsible.

There is much guilt here.

It is a very hard thing.

I need to trust that this is his journey.

That doesn't mean inflexibility in any sense, COM. You were working through every feeling honestly to reach a place of honor with your child. If this situation were different, you would be responding differently.

He took the X Box.

That is what you see. That is how you know.

I don't want to see those things, either.

I am going to redouble my efforts with all of the things I know will help get my mind right again.

Isn't it hard not to have our own relapses?

There is such power though, in knowing where we are ~ in knowing how to work with our own overwhelming emotional responses. In the thick of it, when I fall so far into the FOG, just knowing that I know what this is helps me stay centered. Other than that, there is the pain.

Only that.

I am helpless where that is concerned. But I know now how to stay there, how to hold the imagery of both the cloud and the unseen silver lining. (Yep. That's your imagery.)

I am learning to see the nature of the relationship we set up with our children when we enable. It is horrifying, who that makes them, who that makes us, how it all destroys any hope of honor or respect or trust.

To be the enabler, the savior...costs our children the right and the potential to save themselves. That is alot of glory, for a parent. And I fell into it.

Deep, deep into it.

Once I saw the part I played, the what I got for what I gave of it...I was ashamed.

I go back to my old thinking. But at least I'm aware of it and can slow
myself down.

Yes.

"Stay Close"

It's a very well practiced script COM and in the past, your part of that script was
memorized. Now you wrote yourself a new script but you still know the
lines to the old one

Excellent imagery. I love this.

The thing about the new script is, it is improvisational, you show up, you
pay attention, you tell the truth and you detach from the outcome.

And you detach from the outcome.... That is the tricky part.

Improv gives
you the freedom to be in the moment and respond with your truth, from
your heart.

To this, I would add that, for me at least, it has been a very long time since I have told my children the unvarnished truth in my heart. I tell them a better truth, a smoothed out and dressed up truth.

But a lie is still a lie.

At bottom, what I am choosing to learn is how not to be a liar to my own children. A liar who lies so no one will have to see what IS. I need to have more courage than this. As a mother, I need more courage than to lie or to give in to stupid feelings of ragefulness, of having been wronged.

That is the balance we need to find, I think.

How to see what is really there.

He took more than food, COM.

What carried me through was my own commitment to myself and my
intention to change

You've got all of the tools at your fingertips and you know how and when touse them. You have what you need. You have the deep commitment. You
have the strength. You have the courage. You have the support. You have
the spiritual background. You have it all. You are one strong, amazing
spiritual warrior. I respect how you are going through all of this COM.

Me, too. I acknowledge your pain. I tell you it will be worth it. It is a battle, COM. There is a boundary, an outer edge to it. The least helpful thing I knew, when I was where you are now, was hopelessness, was that feeling that I was lost in something endless.

That was not true.

It does have an end. These feelings do have a purpose; every smallest one of them teaches us something we need to know.

I am sorry this is happening to your son. But you were correct in posting that his journey is his own. As painful as his journey will be for him, COM...this is the story of your journey, too.

You posted Richard Rohr's interpretation of the suffering of the Mary, and of the Christ.

I found that so helpful.

Cedar