What's your thought on heroin addicts drinking alochol?

[lovemyson1]

I agree with most everybody else. I would not drink in front of him at this stage of his recovery.

M the man I have lived with for 7 years is a recovering alcoholic. He had been sober for 19 years and relapsed working for man who wanted a drinking buddy. Of course there are always other reasons and M was a grown, responsible man. But it is that easy. It just takes one (fill in the blank.)

M was drinking when I met him. There was one disastrous, horrible event when M had to face what he had become. He hated it. He changed. He never drank again.

I used to drink. Not a lot, but I liked to drink. My drinking came to disgust M. He hated the smell. How I smelled. He never discouraged me. Never judged me. But I knew. And I rarely drink now. The only real longing I have for alcohol is when I go out to a restaurant. And M loves this for me. But in our home. No. We have a bar for visitors, but over the years I have become abstinent. Or largely so.

I think this will happen to you. The respect for your child will make you identify with him and what his needs are. You will ally with that part of him. And the drinks will not be important anymore. Something that is in the margin of your life. Not the main event.

I am very, very happy for you and your family. But especially, for your son.

Thank you for your kind words and for believing in me. You are right, the respect for my son will make the drinks unimportant. I love that!

 

[GoingNorth]

LMS1, I would strongly advise against trying to be your son's therapist. It isn't your place. I would suggest, in the strongest words possible, that he work through this with a therapist experienced in working with addicts.

 

[lovemyson1]

Ok.. I will encourage him to talk to a therapist but in the past he was very resistant. I got him to go once and he balled his eyes out. Made me so sad. I certainly don't want to stress him out by bringing up negativity. He's so up beat and positive now. I just want him to overcome whatever caused his reason to use in the first place.

 

[GoingNorth]

What you want is immaterial. It's what HE wants that is important. At some point, he MAY be ready to work with a counselor, and yes, he may cry his eyes out. Or, he may never be ready to work with a counselor.

You have to separate your wants and needs from his wants and needs. That's called "detachment". This is HIS addiction, HIS recovery, HIS life, and you have to give him the space to recover in the way that's best for HIM.

That doesn't mean that you don't support him, don't tell him you love him and care about him. It does mean that you've got to respect him enough to let him lead the dance.

It may be that "faith-based" recovery isn't the best way for him. Who knows? He may need something more or something different.

Either way, he's very young and very young in his recovery. It may be a LONG time, if ever before he is ready to talk to you about his feelings.

You have to accept that.

Addicts don't get through the physical part of the withdrawal and magically become all better. Read Darkwing Psyduck's posts on this matter. He's been there, and has written some very erudite posts on the topic. He knows what he's talking about.

 

[Copabanana]

I'm wondering should we try to get him to talk about this so he can move past it or just continue to avoid these types of conversations.

If it were me I think I would try to avoid initiating these conversations. I would take my clue from him. If he initiates it, fine. If not, I would not go there.

When you think about it, it is really not our business. It is between he and himself--and maybe a pastor or therapist, as your son chooses, or specifically people involved in his recovery. As a parent, you are not. Your role is as you have taken. To love him with all your heart and to be a strong moral voice when he veers course from who you know him to be. To stray from his own heart. Our job is to know who are children really are. To call for them when they are gone and to love them through it.

 

[lovemyson1]

Ok I see. That's why I need you guys. It's hard to detach. But I'm much better than before. I will let him have his journey and be there when and if he needs me. I will always love him through.

 

[Copabanana]

I agree with Going. I think you are getting too wrapped up with what you should or should not do, as if it has a bearing at all on what he does or thinks.

I do not see that you have a role one way or another in his recovery except setting limits as you did so beautifully before when he relapsed. This is not about your effort or thinking or doing. It is about his own.

I strongly urged my son to see a therapist. I am not certain if it was the right or wrong thing to do. Your son (and mine) know about therapists.

I think it is the hardest thing in the world to sit there when somebody you love as much as you love your son, is lost and unsure and is struggling. When we know every bit of what would make a good and right life. For us.

But any shoring up or pushing or pulling or rewarding or influencing or incentivizing we do is for us. To avoid the horrible helplessness and thwarted sense of responsibility that we feel and want to discharge in some way by doing something. COM speaks of this frequently, about the need to STOP. And detach. She has posted a bit on this on my current thread. I always find it true and helpful. I have a very hard time with this kind of stillness. I know she is right.

It is if all we do sometimes, we mothers, is splash in the water. Thinking we are doing something helpful and correct, we just end up all wet.

Lovemyson. Every post you write your love for your son and family seeps through it. Do not worry. Do not try to take his own responsibilities on yourself. It will not help him. Love him. That is all.

 

[lovemyson1]

Thank you Copa and everyone who's responded. Your experience and advice are invaluable to me. I would be lost without your continued support and wisdom! We're all in this together fighting against the demons of addiction.

 

[Sister's Keeper]

LMS,

Your son is in a program, right? Does he go to AA/NA or at least some sort of recovery group? It is likely that he is working on or talking about his past issues there where is it "safe" in that he feels no other judgment from other addicts because they have done the same, and they weren't hurt by his behavior.

I am not saying that you are judging him, I am saying that he feels guilt towards you because he had a responsibility towards you, that he doesn't towards his peers.

If he is working through steps he may not have made it to "amends" yet. It takes time. If he is focused on his recovery he will get there, but there is a lot of other stuff to work through before he is ready to discuss it with you.

He sounds like he is doing really well. Be happy about that. Be supportive and upbeat and support the strides he has made. Let him know, through your attitude and behavior that you support his strides and forgive his errors, There is not point in dragging up the past. If he is serious in his recovery he knows and hurts about the bad things he has done. He will discuss it when he is ready and is emotionally strong enough to face it.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Ok this has got me thinking bc my son is one to avoid responsibility. And he hates to talk about his past and the pain and suffering it caused all of us. I'm wondering should we try to get him to talk about this so he can move past it or just continue to avoid these types of conversations. I'm thinking from your post that this could be one of the reasons for relapse?

At some point, he is going to need to face his past, and all of the pain he caused. Every single recovery program I am aware of has this step, and it is absolutely crucial. It is also the hardest part about getting better. A large part of the reason we continue to use, despite all the negative consequences, is to avoid those consequences. It is circular in logic, but nobody said drug addiction made a lot of sense. We know that the things we do and say for our fix are wrong, and that they cause pain. We may not fully appreciate the scope of the pain caused, but we know it is there. It creates a horrible chain wherein our drug use causes pain, and to live with ourselves, we need drugs.

We condition ourselves to bury our head in the sands. We are genuinely ashamed of what we did when in active addiction. It is important that, at some point, you push this subject, if he will not. It will be healthy for you AND for him if you get it all out. Explain the pain, in detail. Do not sugar coat it. He NEEDS to appreciate the effects his drug use had on those he loves. Like a tattoo, it needs to set in, or it will not become permanent.

 

[RN0441]

Good advice from all of you and I'm going to use it for my situation too.

Thanks Darwking for driving home the fact that we need to let him feel the pain he has caused us with his addiction and the things he has done to the family. I have never wanted to do that.