What'st the long term?

[judi]

Our son is our bio-child - we have been married for 27 years. He has definitely strained our marriage. He is now 22 years old and still very much a troubled young man. He lives on his own if you call staying with friends "on your own." He has no job, no phone, no car, nothing. He does however have a beautiful 8 month son who is the spitting image of his Dad. However, our son doesn't want much to do with his son.

So, does it get better? I supose for some kids it does. However, for many of our kids, though they live apart from us, we are still somewhat intertwined with their lives.

I wish you the best. Only you know what you can tolerate.

 

[flutterbee]

There's little that is comfortable when raising a mentally ill child, as I'm sure you have already discovered. There are too many variables. Expectations have to be changed. Definition of success needs to be modified. With the right medications (if called for) and therapeutic interventions, great progress can be made. But it takes time. A lot of time, usually. And a lot of patience.

by the way, I don't think it's shallow to not want to live in a violent, chaotic household with someone spewing hate and anger at you. Part of that is just normal boy stuff, I think (my son has never liked anyone I dated in the past...he never even gave them a chance...but he would never have told them to go f themselves), but it is made worse by the GFGness, if you will. There have been days that I don't want to live with my difficult child and I gave birth to her.

Ultimately, you are going to have to decide what you can and can't live with and what you really want out of a relationship and if you see that desire or need being fulfilled with your current relationship.

 

[Marguerite]

cebeast, patience sounds like the best path for now. It's like my friend and her boyfriend - they are taking it slowly, one day at a time, even though their relationship has been happening for a few years now. The relationship is a balm to both of them, even if they haven't taken any steps to sharing a home or getting married. And sometimes that's as far as it can go. If you have the 'whatever-it-takes' to stay around, you could be a wonderful grounding support for her. It is very easy to lose perspective when all your attention is focussed on your kids, especially the problem ones. You can lose yourself, find yourself submerging your own identity and putting too much of yourself into your child. Not good for the child, not good for the parent.

If you commit to the point of "can't back out now" there can be a sense of resentment - either in you, for feeling that you shouldn't have taken that final step; in the partner, for worrying that you will feel resentful and resenting you for feeling resentful, even if you're not (if you follow); and in the child(ren), for daring to trespass on territory where they don't feel you belong. And they will throw it up at you to win points in an argument.

But if you're on the scene and simply waiting, and if you and your girlfriend are OK with this, that can work too.

Ant'sMom was right - this truly is a matter of taking things one day at a time.

And what are your alternatives? If you wait, and if your relationship can stand the tests ahead, you will still have a wonderful deep relationship even if by then you're mid-fifties. If you say sayonara and move on, how long will you be alone? Will you find someone as good? Better?

John Lennon said it well in "Beautiful Boy" - "Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."
Throw your plans out the window and just live.

And good luck, whatever you decide. You are you, this situation is unique to you and girlfriend. Others have similar experiences with a wide range of differing outcomes.

Marg