BackintheSaddle
Active Member
I started reading your forums last year and posted one at Christmas because we kicked out our 19 yo son after he attacked me...he's living with my parents now (horribly dysfunctional situation) and I had posted that they too 'turned on me'...since that time, I've been seeing a great therapist who is great with ODD type situations and helping me to figure out boundaries (something I'm not great with)...we agreed that since he's out of the house, as long as he's still in school (he's in a community college), I should keep paying for anything school related and in exchange, he has to meet me 1/week for breakfast or lunch just to keep up and try and rebuild a relationship...he has seemed pretty stable, everything is paradise-like living with grandparents, which is only serving to convince him that yes, he was right, all his problems have been our fault...Jake (my son) was willing to go see the therapist with me but is now refusing, says he doesn't want to deal with all the family drama right now...one thing I'm still paying for that I was going to raise with the therapist and Jake in the next appointment is his truck insurance ($175/month)...Jake feels strongly that I should still pay it because he'd have to reduce his hours at school to work more to pay that bill-- he has had the same job for more than a year, he doesn't use illegal drugs but refuses to take medications he needs...at this point, I'm still paying for his phone (I agree with others I've seen post that I want that connection kept open) and $20/week of gas money to school (he only goes 2 days)...should I stop paying for the insurance? make it a condition that I pay only if he goes with me to therapy (then isn't that coercing someone who's not willing to even try to have a relationship with me)? just let things lie for awhile like they are and hope he comes to the point where he cares if he has a relationship with me? he has only reached out to me twice in the month he's been gone-- both times asking for money and I've had to push him on the days to meet for breakfast (so far, 2 times we met in 1 month-- not exactly weekly)....also, he's not shown remorse for the 'attack' (he grabbed and shook me, screaming at my face, putting bruises on my arms)-- he's apologized with a 'but' I shouldn't have provoked him...no, I'm sorry any of this happened, the type of remorse a normal person would have...I guess my question is when do you know that 'total' detachment, not just partial, is the answer? he's doing good things-- school, long-term girlfriend (also very dysfunctional relationship thouhg) and job...some people wouldn't have even kicked him out...