When to cut the ties

[Lioness]

Just looked at your quote for the day; Don't listen to what people say, watch what they do. Today this rings so true for me. My Difficult Child of 28 years! The one with Borderline (BPD) is back to playing games again. Its a month since my birthday, and 3 weeks since Mothers day and she said she wanted to take me out for the day with my grand daughter. I was so excited, I am still waiting...... I should have fool tattooed on my forehead. Is it too much to want to spend time with your daughter and just talk, laugh like normal people do?! I have come to the point that I am seriously thinking of selling my house, and leaving the country. I have been looking at property in Greece and France, if I can put physical distance between us, then it won't feel so painful. I know this is drastic, but I just want to run and not look back. If she stays this way, what sort of relationship will she have with her own daughter when she grows up. My own mother cut me off 25 years ago, she stopped talking to her own parents too! I want to break this cycle but can't do this on my own. I feel like there must be something wrong with me too. I am the common link in all of this. I am very disheartened.

 

[Tanya M]

Oh Billy if I pinned my hopes on everything my son has promised me over the years my heart would have completely shattered years ago.
Detaching is the only way you can move beyond this. I was finally able to do just that and now if my son "promises" me something I file it under another lie told.

You are not a fool, you are simply a mother who at her very core loves her child and wants the same in return and that my friend just makes you human.

As I said in my other post, focus on your relationship with your granddaughter. That is where you can work on breaking the cycle.

You will get through this!!

 

[okie girl]

Billy...I have felt the same as you. My husband wants to move out of state. Sometimes I really want to leave but I have a daughter and grand kids I just can't pick up and leave. It is so hard to detach. I'm still trying, taking one day at a time. Hugs and prayers

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Why have I never seen this mess so clearly before?

We are here together now, and so, have the opportunity to share what we know and heal.

Isn't that an amazing thing!

:O)

I have been looking at property in Greece and France, if I can put physical distance between us, then it won't feel so painful.

We are thousands of miles away from our children, too. Nowhere near as exotic as Greece or France. That is primary cool. Good for you and I say, go for it. Sooner the better. Just don't even think too much about any of it. You can figure it all out later.

It won't just be the physical distance. It is that being in a new place ~ even if it isn't thousands of miles away ~ means you reconstruct a life that is not child, family, or grandchild centered.

And you become your own, again.

It's hard at first, though.

One of the things that helped me was understanding that I had never had those things I felt such fierce nostalgia for.

It was a strange thing, to realize that.

I wanted so much to have family around me that I got twisted up inside, somehow.

Better, now.

Still healing from it, though.

You can do this, Billie.

The hardest part is seeing how things really are. I still get a nasty shock over so much of it. But it is what it is, so that's okay too.

At least this time, the shocks are my own.

I'm beginning to see all the manipulations, and it really makes me gnash my teeth.

Grrrr....

Cedar

Grrr like something dangerous. Like a black lion.

Ha!!!

I love the way I think, sometimes.

:O)

I will have to change my name to Cedar With the Big Sharp Teeth and black nose hairs.

And my pirate skirt, of course.

Good to go, now.

F you, mom.

 

[BusynMember]

The hardest part is seeing how things really are. I still get a nasty shock over so much of it. But it is what it is, so that's okay too.

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/community/threads/when-to-cut-the-ties.59986/page-2#ixzz3Wp328JDa
Billie, hon, I so understand. You don't know how much. We DID move, not to get away from the kids, but to get away from other toxic family and I thank God every day t hat we did. It's not as far as I'd like, but I can't go too far from grandchildren, otherwise...well,France and Greece sound GREAT, but out of my price range to leave the country. I think I'd like the peaceful, quiet states where people don't bother you, such as Wyoming or Montana.

Distance makes a difference because you never have to worry you will run into them or that they will make false charges against you and call the cops in your state (and if they do so in another state, the cops tend to just think "oh, another nut.")

Your daughter's not showing up for lunch was cruel. It is sad to know that certain people are ok with being cruel and mean. I don't like labels anymore because we don't know WHY they do things. We are not doctors. But we do know who is mean to us for no reason and we can put distance between ourselves, either real live distance or emotional distance. We can go on with our lives and keep them in the background (low contact). When this is a child, it is harder until somehow they go so off the rails and are so cruel that it hurts more to see them than not to see them. And I am just learning, as a young 61 (is there such a thng?) that people who don't see things straight DO make you feel like the crazy one; the cause of their every misery; an abuser, when, in fact, they are. You will get a renewed sense of reality if you have time to be alone, without the voices chattering at you about how horrible you are.

As Cedar said, and as is so true, when the truth finally dawns on you, you are in shock. It's a lightbulb moment. "I'm not crazy...they made me out to be crazy because it was in THEIR interest to blame our looney, divide-and-conquer, meanspirited family on me!"
But actually it has NOTHING to do with you at all and everything to do with them." Ok, Cedar, I sort of misquoted you

The fact is that they will always do it. It serves them well. Take care of YOU and don't worry what others think of you, no matter who they are, if they are wrong. And you know, in your heart, if they are wrong.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Distance makes a difference because you never have to worry you will run into them or that they will make false charges against you and call the cops in your state (and if they do so in another state, the cops tend to just think "oh, another nut.")

Ha!

True.

***

It's like everything we thought mattered about our upbringings and about what happened with our children...all at once, we see all that differently. And we feel so free, and that is when we realize how much of who we were was developed to cushion them from their own truths.

Or maybe, to cushion ourselves from their truths.

We made so much of it look normal, when what it was, was bone crazy. To this day, I am all about whether a thing looks and feels "right". Which comes down to "is everyone happy".

That is not normal.

Normal people just walk in and accept what is.

I have always to try to include everyone and be sure everyone is happy.

Lately, I am changing that.

Well, okay.

I am looking at that.

Cedar

One day I will post here in a very mean way. And then, we will know I am normal, at last.

F you, mom.



Oops.

Pardon me.

:O)

 

[BusynMember]

You know, not that I want to be mean, but I almost wish I had told my mother, "I know you don't like me. I don't like you either. You've been a terrible mother to me and taking your hatred of me out on your grandchildren is cruel too, although thankfully they don't know you. I am saying good-bye for the last time, and you'll be glad, but I'm doing it to for ME, not for you."

I never did give her a cruel send off. I couldn't do it.

Maybe today I could, now that I realize how she set the entire family to treat me like dirt.

On the other hand, nobody made the others go along with her.

When I finally had a frank, although texting, discussion about my true feelings with my unnamed relative about how I felt, that was when she did another big cut off. They don't want to hear our truth, as it was honestly for us, but we need to hear our own truth and validate ourselves and happily here we can validate one another.

Just because somebody says you have red hair, it doesn't mean you do. Just because somebody says you are evil, that doesn't mean you aren't nice. Just because...we all know the truth of what we are like. Nobody is all good or all bad, but that's what "they" want us to think...that we never hda any value and have no positives.

They may be projecting. Who knows? And, where I amn ow, who cares?

Detachment is a gift. Beware of your toxic hater, the one who wants to turn the world against you, be it your mother, your father, your sister, your brother or, yes, even your own child. Nothing even rational will change their minds about you so it's best to move on. I am reading voraciously about family scapegoats now and nothing ever felt so right...it is up to us to stop filling the role, have confidence, and GET OUT.

I am thinking of starting a blog to keep healing with others who were family scapegoats and the shock of the realization and the relief of the healing. I may call it, "OH, You Mean I'm Not Really Evil?" Go by a fake name and no specific details, mostly feelings and things that I went through and others can hop on and do the same. Healing together is more potent than doing it alone.

 

[Lioness]

I learned this from MWM and 2much2recover: If we have family of origin issues, and if we are different than our abusive or neglectful parent, we will spend alot of time trying to be better ourselves so that our families of origin can 1) heal and 2) celebrate ourselves and each other. The thing is, we seem not to be able to prevent what they do, so we try harder to be more than ~ more loving, more forgiving, more accepting. We do this because we don't want to hate them.

I do it for that reason. Hatred and dislike and backstabbing are like, my family traditions. "Could you pass the butcher knife, please? Your father has his back turned. Thank you."

:O)

True.

That is not how it is in normal families, in the families of our friends, in the families of our mates, in the idealized television families we all grew up watching.

MWM described it to me once this way: There are families who coalesce around love, which is based on trust, and there are families who coalesce around power, which is power over.

MWM said it more clearly than that, but I don't want to go and look for the quote. I do have it in my quote box, though.

But, just as our families of origin experienced the dysfunctions they did because some of the members fell prey to whatever dysfunctional genetic adaptation rides the genetic line, so do some of our children have that same genetic dysfunction. Here is what I know about genetic "dysfunction". Since we all are here, since we have survived through all the generations to be born into this one, there has to have been some survival value to the genetic dysfunction our family lines carry.

It just isn't a good, survival-based genetic adaptation to be carrying, in this time.

For all we know, that ability to be self-centered is what enabled our genetic lines to survive, back in the day. Add to this that here in America, most of our families of origin carry the genetic makeups of people who willingly went adventuring, betting their lives they would make it.

Or, we carry the genetic makeups of those jerked out of their countries and away from their families and enslaved ~ we carry the genes of those who survived that.

The rest, died out.

There was something in them ~ courage, or rage, or spitefulness maybe ~ that enabled them to leave everything familiar to them, setting sail across a body of water so vast they lost sight of land for days and weeks at a time. And all this in a time when they weren't even sure how long that would take or whether they would ever arrive at all. Most of our relatives came here with their skills and their bravado and nothing else.

But here we are.

So, our families may be downright difficult to be part of, but they are not bad.

They are what they are though, so it is best for us if we know what that is and what that means and how to see both them and ourselves.

There are no villains, here.

There are heroes, everywhere we look. It just depends on how we interpret what we see. Bravery and courage and outrageous belief in the self ~ those are good things. But in a time of plenty, those same character traits, that same individuality that assured survival in troubling times make for very disturbing relatives, now.

They like, court danger.

They are most alive riding the edge of a challenge and boy, do I see that in my kids.

But I see it in my mother, too.

So, it isn't that our people are bad, or that we are bad or good. It is that we need to learn what we can to make sense of what is happening to all of us, today.

Why doesn't matter.

Because we are wired differently than some of our family members, and because we have never had those trusting family relationships we can see so clearly in our mind's eye, we have spent our lives excusing the craziest, meanest, most pointlessly hurtful things because we believe it is simply a matter of will and opportunity and forgiveness to bring that family unit we can see so clearly into fruition.

We keep trying to fix it.

But once you can see the genetic connection, once you can look at each of the members of your family of origin and even, your children and grandchildren in this new light ~ there it is, plain as day.

That part makes sense to me, too. It makes sense that both sides of the continuum would be expressed in the genetic family line.

I think the gist of it might be that those who are more empathic are programmed to trust. Those of our family members who are less empathic have the genetic makeup that programs them not for trust, but for control.

Our assignment, should we (as they say on Mission: Impossible) choose to accept it, is to see, and to accept, what is.

You are wonderful. Loving and kind and filled with joy. I feel that way, too. We are the lucky ones, in a way. And, in a way, we too are a gift to our families from our genetic lines. Without those like us coming along fairly frequently as our genetic lines arrived to this time? None of us would have survived. We would have done one another in, long since. ("Please Cedar, pass me the butcher knife while your father has his back turned. Thank you.")

So, that is how I see it.

I still am not sure how to go about interacting with my family of origin. One day, when I am feeling especially mushy, I will be vulnerable enough to believe in it all of it again.

They are all so bright and funny and absolutely entertaining! I really do miss them, miss that about them.

Maybe that is why my sister calls me, every so often.

Or maybe, she sees me as the genetically disadvantaged one.

In the end, we do the best we know. We all do that, I think. For you and for me, it matters that we not tumble back into believing they think like we do. My sister and I were talking about this kind of thing once. About why she does what she does. She did not even deny it. You know what she said? "I know. I can't help it."

Still, she likes to ride with spurs on.

It is beautiful, in a way.

So that's what I know about family, and about family of origin. As it is with our kids, we need to be wise, and we need to be wary. But I think that when we celebrate our families and our lives, we see and can feel the joy of it. I think for my sister and for my mother too I suppose, though I have not discussed that with her, they do not feel the joy of it.

They feel the work and the bother, and they try very hard, and they seem unable ever to rest.

Cedar

"Please pass me the knife while your fathers back is turned" is so true! I think even Iam guilty of this by the virtue that I have cried in despair on the past to my other adult children when one of them hurts me. I just can't tell anyone else apart from my close school friend as I'am so ashamed. I have always felt a failure with my kids. They are well liked by most people as the Difficult Child my daughter with Borderline (BPD) would never, ever show this side of her to anyone outside the family. Family friends think she's wonderful because she is the nicest person with them! She's friendly, kind, polite, vivacious and funny. I want to change so badly but am finding my people pleasing is my way that I survive. It's wrong I know that now. I need to please myself a little more but have always thought it selfish. Everything you say is so right. I don't know how to thank you enough for all your support. This Sunday is Greek Easter a big affair and we have all the kids and use family friends at ours. I'm looking forward to it but it's tinged with the sadness of how she will be with me.

 

[Lioness]

This is a reply to all of you on here who are supporting me with your kind, wise words. I thank you from the bottom of my poor wounded heart. I do not want to be a victim I really don't. I know what I want is impossible. I know I need to listen and stay in touch with you all as you are a bit further on your journey. I appreciate you all. Sunday is Greek Easter and all the kids and close family friends will be eating at ours. Wish me luck!! X

 

[Tanya M]

I know I need to listen and stay in touch with you all as you are a bit further on your journey.

Billy, you are farther along than you give yourself credit for. You are here and you recognize what you need to do and that my friend is huge.

It is a journey for sure.

In my minds eye I imagine a long road with many travelers, some have many heavy bags that they struggle to carry while others have very few bags. The ones with few bags will stop to help those who have many bags, they talk with them and help them to understand how the burden of carrying so many heavy bags is slowing them down and holding them back. Some drop their extra bags and continue down the road stopping to share with others what they have learned. Some are hesitant to drop their bags even though others come along and encourage them to do so but as time goes on the weight of those bags becomes too much and they realize they need to let them go. At first they only drop one of the lighter ones but they feel how much easier it is to continue down the road, then they drop another one, then another. They are filled with a sense of renewal without the burden of those bags. They continue down the road and soon they are stopping to help others who are carrying to many heavy bags, sharing the story of their journey.

Wishing you a wonderful Easter

 

[Lioness]

You know, not that I want to be mean, but I almost wish I had told my mother, "I know you don't like me. I don't like you either. You've been a terrible mother to me and taking your hatred of me out on your grandchildren is cruel too, although thankfully they don't know you. I am saying good-bye for the last time, and you'll be glad, but I'm doing it to for ME, not for you."

I never did give her a cruel send off. I couldn't do it.

Maybe today I could, now that I realize how she set the entire family to treat me like dirt.

On the other hand, nobody made the others go along with her.

When I finally had a frank, although texting, discussion about my true feelings with my unnamed relative about how I felt, that was when she did another big cut off. They don't want to hear our truth, as it was honestly for us, but we need to hear our own truth and validate ourselves and happily here we can validate one another.

Just because somebody says you have red hair, it doesn't mean you do. Just because somebody says you are evil, that doesn't mean you aren't nice. Just because...we all know the truth of what we are like. Nobody is all good or all bad, but that's what "they" want us to think...that we never hda any value and have no positives.

They may be projecting. Who knows? And, where I amn ow, who cares?

Detachment is a gift. Beware of your toxic hater, the one who wants to turn the world against you, be it your mother, your father, your sister, your brother or, yes, even your own child. Nothing even rational will change their minds about you so it's best to move on. I am reading voraciously about family scapegoats now and nothing ever felt so right...it is up to us to stop filling the role, have confidence, and GET OUT.

I am thinking of starting a blog to keep healing with others who were family scapegoats and the shock of the realization and the relief of the healing. I may call it, "OH, You Mean I'm Not Really Evil?" Go by a fake name and no specific details, mostly feelings and things that I went through and others can hop on and do the same. Healing together is more potent than doing it alone.

SO. so true. There is a toxic hater out there. You do end up believing that there must be something wrong with you. My Mum cut me out of her life, my Dad left me at aged 4 to this woman. He was never very supportive, not financially or emotionally there fore us. My sister is distant, yet she lives just 10 minutes up the road to me. If I ever challenge her coldness, she cuts me off for months at a time. If I wait for her to call or contact me I will wait forever. I am always the one to call, don't know why I bother. Maybe I have that irrational belief that you can't cut family out. I don't want to be like my Mum, and her father and Grandmother before her. They all did this to each other! My ex husband left me after 19 years together. Everyone leaves. Sometimes, I wish I was an orphan as I have no family at all. I have three kids and a second husband with two step children adults. I have wished to have a proper Mum and sister all my life. I have come to terms with it, as I thought I could fix all of this with my own family. THIS is what drives me crazy. My Mum was a fantastic manipulator, and master of divide and rule, My ex husband still does the same with the children and they have learned this behaviour. Its so sad. I wanted to break the cycle. I have my Grand daughter tonight who is such a pleasure. I don't want her affected by all this toxicity. But its not all down to me. I love your analogy of the Red hair. It is best to move on, and as much as I love my daughter if it wasn't for my Grand daughter I could easily just stay away from her. This sounds very nasty of me, but that is how I feel. I'm keeping the peace because of my Grand daughter. My maternal Grandmother was a lovely, loving woman who suffered at the hands of her husband my Grandfather. She was a kind soul who was the only light and love in my childhood. Why didn't my Mum take after her? My mum hit my Grandmother when she was 15 years old and was always verbally abusive towards her. My Difficult daughter with Borderline (BPD) has also done the same to me when she was young. The connection is there staring at me in the face! Yet today she dropped the baby off, and was quite sweet and even kissed me goodbye? WTH? Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I am punch drunk with the craziness of it all! HUGS to you allx
.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Maybe I have that irrational belief that you can't cut family out. I don't want to be like my Mum, and her father and Grandmother before her. They all did this to each other!

This is how I see things, too.

Being able to see through this, to get to the other side of it, meant I needed to let go of "perfect". It is okay for me to see their rottenness for the stupidly hurtful stuff it is. It is okay for me to name what I see. I think our right of refusal, our ability to give ourselves permission to see what it for what it is and to stand up and declare bulls*** has to do with excusing ourselves for our perfectionism. (Cedar wrote, pretty sure the censors will cut that out, though pretending to be brave enough to write bad words. Like the bull word, I mean.)

Okay.

So I went back and amended the bad word just in case the censors let it through.

That is called letting go of perfectionism a step at a time.

I did leave the concept in there. Against my better, perfectionistic judgment, I mean.

Where was I going with this.

Everyone leaves. Sometimes, I wish I was an orphan as I have no family at all. I have three kids and a second husband with two step children adults. I have wished to have a proper Mum and sister all my life. I have come to terms with it, as I thought I could fix all of this with my own family. THIS is what drives me crazy. My Mum was a fantastic manipulator, and master of divide and rule, My ex husband still does the same with the children and they have learned this behaviour. Its so sad. I wanted to break the cycle.

Me, too.

I even wrote a story about it, once.

"Once upon a time, in a faraway land where time and distance had lost all meaning, there was born to the peasantry a generation of female children whose task and whose talent it would be to unravel the tangled skeins of deceit, viciousness, and trickery that bound the hearts, the souls, and the bloodlines of those families into which each would be born."

The story goes on to describe the souls chosen, and choosing, to incarnate to accomplish this task. It describes the strengths or weaknesses each would choose, to help her clear the curse from the genetic line.

In the end, the key is shame.

That is the signpost for each of us. When we feel it, we need to face it, have it, taste it, and set it to rest.

That is how to clear the curse.

It was a great story.

:O)

My Mum was a fantastic manipulator, and master of divide and rule

Mine too, but I never even knew it until just recently.

For heaven's sake.



Those familiar with Motorcycle Cedar will know about the cross stitching in my saddle bag. Given that all this is imaginary, that cross stitched phrase in my saddle bag is now in flashing neon.

And everyone can see it glowing away and know about it.

Okay, wait a minute.

Cedar slinks away, tucking the glowing, flashing, neon-bright piece of cross stitch into an internal pocket with a strong zipper on the inside of her motorcycle jacket.

Notice how it flashes now to the beat of her heart, forever Cedar's truth, hidden away or not.

:O)

This sounds very nasty of me, but that is how I feel.

That happens to me too, Billy. I think it is part of that perfection thing, again. We have seen so much that was stupidly hurtful that we make a promise to ourselves, somewhere along the line, that we will not add to the wrongness in the world, that we will do our best to try to understand, to not condemn, to not hurt anyone, family or stranger.

The key to healing or at least, to seeing this aspect of self differently has to do with perfectionism for me. I am not through it yet though, so I only know perfectionism (and shame, of course) are the places where I will heal.

Your story is so similar to ours, Billy. Could that be a place for you to begin to heal, too?

My maternal Grandmother was a lovely, loving woman who suffered at the hands of her husband my Grandfather.

Mine, too. And she suffered at the hands of her daughter, my mother.

My father's mother was the grandmother who loved and made me strong. Well, who loved me enough that I had the courage to go back and see true things. It feels so wrong to name what happened to us what it was.

I mean, to really see how stupidly, pointlessly evil so much of what our parents or relatives do is.

I am always saying I don't get the win for them.

It must be that some of us only feel safe when they have destroyed something vital in everyone around them, so no one can confront or change them.

?

I don't know. I do know they seem always to need to do that. There seems never to be a place where they finally can say enough, or see a different truth.

But once we get that, once we understand that about our people, then we can give ourselves permission to heal, and to be very strong. There are so many places in me where I was taught not to think for myself, where I was taught to believe my locus of control was for someone else to decide. It is frightening to confront those lessons taught so painfully while I was only a little girl.

Nonetheless, that is what we have to do, so I try to do that when I can see that there is a place opening, another layer or level of healing to be done.

I think we risk insanity a little to heal those layers, though.

We have to relive it.

I cannot imagine what it must have been truly to be the child I was.

How awful, how really awful, given the way every one of us, every human and every animal, should be cherished and welcomed into the world.

Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, I am punch drunk with the craziness of it all!

Me, too.

I think that is what I meant about feeling insane when I correctly name what I see happening. It is mind boggling to know someone we love hates us, and doesn't even know us and does not have the capacity to know us because they are wired differently than we are.

It is never going to change.

I wonder whether I will be able to safely interact with my family once I am healed.

I think, sadly, that when I am healing is when my family condemns me the hardest. I think this may be true.

They gather round and justify hating someone or something. That is the core of how they unite.

Hatred.

We have had to be imaginary creations to them.

But we are real.

It is very confusing, because we can't understand they are different than we are.

And then, it takes a little more time to understand they are the wrong ones.

We are not "romantic" or "foolish".

That is how my mother describes me. As the romantic one. Implied there is "the stupid one, the easily duped one."

And she should know.



Ahem.

Cedar

P.S. But I think at the heart of their motivations is fear. Maybe, more fear than we can ever know exists.

There is something that they see, something they believe, that we do not.

 

[BusynMember]

SO. so true. There is a toxic hater out there. You do end up believing that there must be something wrong with you. My Mum cut me out of her life, my Dad left me at aged 4 to this woman. He was never very supportive, not financially or emotionally there fore us. My sister is distant, yet she lives just 10 minutes up the road to me. If I ever challenge her coldness, she cuts me off for months at a time. If I wait for her to call or contact me I will wait forever. I am always the one to call, don't know why I

Wow. Are we related? My mom cut me out of her life. I have a sort of idea why, but it isn't for any reason a normal mother would. And it's not like I didn't do all I could to make it up to her, although I wasn't even sure what "it" was. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, you have a cut off sister too. Mine has probably cut me off ten times. The last time we spoke I told her if she did it again it would be forever. She tried to overtalk to me about her abusive boyfriend and I told her I just could not listen to her talk about him anymore because of how he treated her and how she would not end it. She could talk about him every day forever. I set a boundary. I'd listen to her talk about anything in the world except him. She said "But he's a big part of my life." I said, "It's up to you." That's when she did her last cut off, but, actually, it was my decision. And I never try to call her. Not worth the time or abuse. Or drama. My Dad was there and I'm closer to him than the other two. I appreciate how he heas been to me of late. He has listened to me. That doesn't mean we had a close relationship always. We did not. My brother...to be honest, I don't think about him much. He moved away long ago and doesn't bother me much.

Adult Orphans Unite!!!!!

I don't do cut offs. If somebody cuts me off, I let them these days. The first time my sister did it I went to her house to find out what I'd done because she kept hanging up on me, but she never told me and she called the cops on me, which started a pattern of her calling the cops on me when she didn't want me to call her.

We are the nicer ones. We would not cut off our "family" although they don't act like family. We would speak to them, even if we were careful about what we said. It is not as hurtful to have low contact and minimal topics as to be cut off like a mangled thumb.

Once we wake up, we realize we actually were a scapegoat for the entire sick family unit.

Sorry about this. I'm on a real tear reading about scapegoats now DO NOT LET ANYONE MAKE YOU THINK YOU ARE LOSING YOUR MIND! Don't let anyone tell you "that's a lie" when you know it isn't. That type of talk is what triggered my interest in scapegoating and also gaslighting. You know the truth. Your truth is valid and real.

We are here for you. Orphans No More!!!

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Wow. Are we related?

Re: The similarities in our stories and insights regarding our families of origin.

I remember when I first came to understand how similarly our addicted or difficult child children behave, though they had all been raised so differently. I remember posting about them doing the same things, using the same words to condemn us, stealing from us or manipulating us so cruelly, so callously, no matter how they had been raised.

It is remarkable that this could be so.

There was freedom from guilt for me in understanding that the question was not where had I gone wrong as a mother that this happened to my children. It was happening to all of our children, here on the site. And we are all very different women (or men), with a multiplicity of parenting techniques and economic realities and etc.

But the kids are doing the same freaking things, to the point that we can advise one another about how we handled thus and so, and it works for someone whose child we have never even met.

And we could not find that thing that made it happen, that commonality among us that somehow destroyed our children. (I did find that many of us were uber moms, were mother of the year types. That is why we are still here. We are generally a competent, intelligent bunch who do not give up or accept the status quo.

We were great moms then and we are exemplary moms, now.

But that fact about who and how we are has not changed things for our children.

So, we are healing ourselves. We are honestly sharing the hurt and the shame of it because that is what we do. In our lives, that is how we do it, how we approach whatever the problem is that we intend to see addressed to the best of our ability.

It is the same thing where our families of origin are concerned.

We are who we are and so we believed we could help all of us, that we could heal the wrongnesses that seemed so simple to us. This made us primary, and utterly defenseless, targets. Half the time, we do not see abuse as abuse. We see it as a misunderstanding because surely no one would hurt someone else on purpose for nothing much at all, just on general principle.

That is why we still don't get it.

We don't find that echo of reality in our hearts that tells us this is true. It makes us feel like the world is insane if we entertain such thoughts. We say things (like I do all the time) like "it is what it is" and "why doesn't matter".

In any event, when we are here together on the site, sharing as honestly as we do in our real lives, stepping right up to foolish or loser or fraud or all the horrible things we were taught to call or believe about ourselves, we see that our families of origin are eerily similar, too ~ the same way our difficult child children seem eerily similar.

And there is freedom for us in knowing that.

We can set ourselves free with that knowledge.

When people tell us that abuse is nothing personal ~ whether that is abuse between mates or family members or friends ~ this is true. Abusers abuse because they abuse.

Why doesn't matter.

It literally and perfectly and terminally has nothing whatsoever to do with us or whether we offended someone or whether we misconstrued what was said or any of that stuff.

Abusers abuse because they abuse.

What matters is that those of us who try so hard to listen, and to find a way to understand and support and make better stop taking the stupidly mean things our abusers say or do seriously.

They have chosen to give up the right to be seen with dignity, or to be honored or even, believed, when they made the choice to abuse us or anyone else.

We will find, as we open to it, that our abusive family members abuse everyone in their lives.

I am seeing that, now.

That is why I was named foolish or romantic, and was told not to think.

Not to mention all those other bad things that were done to me but which I survived pretty handily, now that I think about it.



Imagine how it feels to be me, learning those terrible true things I just couldn't change or do anything about were not bad things.

There is a reason why myth and fairy tales tell stories with this same theme.

Because it happens all the time, and it is happening to us, now.



Cedar