Why does my adult daughter dislike me so much?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Invisiblemother, Jan 6, 2017.

  1. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    I am brand new on here. My daughter is 42 years old. It seems like every time I am with her, her 16-year-old son starts trouble. He seems to like it when we argue, because then he has her all to himself. When she was on drugs, she would rage and I was called every name in the book. She has been off of meth for four years and tells everyone she's clean, but she is using vodka quite often, probably more than I think. Almost 2 weeks ago, we went to the show together. I asked her son do not pick us the seats up front. By the time I hobbled in, she and her son were sitting in the front row. She told me and my granddaughter we could sit somewhere else if we didn't like it. I replied that I only came to the show to be with them as a family. They finally moved if you were both up, but she was angry and said she was done with me. She started screaming at me in the theater. Fortunately, no one else was there yet. She said there raging and then threw her nachos across three rows of seats, getting cheese everywhere. A cleanup crew had to come out and my granddaughter took the blame, by saying she had tripped. After a while,she had calmed down and after the show, I took them all to dinner, as I had promised. I apologized, as always. She acted like everything was fine. Well, that was ten days ago and she hasn't texted me or bothered to see if I'm alive or not. I live alone and fall often. She has done this before and I always have to be the one crawling back to her, because obviously she would rather be without me in her life. She has always been so special to me. I don't know if the meth changed her brain or if she is just staying loot from vodka. I hate to think that she really hates me. I feel like my heart is broken. I have always been there for her and even sold my home in another state to come here so that she would have a place to go when she left her abusive husband. She and her son lived with me, rent free, for a year and a half. I bought everything for them and put $1400 on a credit card to get her an attorney, for her divorce. Nothing I have ever done is good enough for her if she never seems to appreciate it. last night, I went to an al-Anon meeting and heard similar stories to mine. No, I have not texted her or called her. For once, I didn't want to be the one begging for a relationship. It is hard to have your own life when you are almost 70 years old and your family is limited. I'm way past the dating scene and I am pretty reclusive, due to PTSD. She knows this. She knows she's hurting me and she doesn't seem to give a rip. I'm not sure what's going to happen in the future, but I am tired of being her doormat and letting her son manipulate her and acting like an eight-year-old. Thanks for letting me share.
     
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    You didn't do anything wrong. You were loving and caring. Your daughter may still be using drugs or drinking too much and she sounds like she has symptoms of borderline personality disorder too. Put borderline personality disorder in your search engine. If you ferl she has it, she is not able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Is her father's DNA mean? Personality is partly inherited. And you sound nice.

    And you can't change her or anybody but yourself. She's not a kid. She needs to admit she has drug and personality issues to get help and if she is borderline, usually they think everyone is at fault but them. And they do have embarrassing rages like your daughter did at the movies. That was a toddler tantrum by a middle aged woman. It's not normal.

    Grandson sounds awful. He may have something going on too.

    My suggestion is to not count on them for your support. I don't think your daughter is capable of it. Can you find a new support system? A churcH? VOLUNTEERING? bird watching? Do you have a passion?

    I am sorry your daughter is not a loving person. I doubt she likes anyone much, herself included. But you deserve kindness and support and you're not too old to find it ;) Don't grovel. There are still gentle for you to meet gentle people who will treat you with the kindness you deserve.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2017
  3. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member


    Thank you for yor kind and encouraging words. She has twin brothers and they are both addicts and abusers. Their father had serious mental issues. It's so heartbreaking. My stomach is just knotted up from this. Not too many things feel worse than being unloved!
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Your daughter is not the only person who can love you. If you look I'll bet you can find people who appreciate your wonderful heart. It is always sad when we need to look outside of family, but many people have to do it and it is very possible to find the love and acceptance you deserve. Please don't give up. You are so worthy of awesome friends.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • List
  5. tandemdame

    tandemdame Active Member

    Invisible, I can hear the pain when I read your story. There is no answer as to why your daughter behaves the way she does. Some people need a convenient target for their generalized anger over how their life is going.

    For some reason, for some people, hearing an apology only makes their anger more intense, probably because they get caught in an internal cycle of not wanting to admit guilt. She likely knows she is in the wrong, it just makes her more angry to admit it. Like she is giving something up.

    I'm so sorry you are hurting. From my perspective you didn't do anything to deserve that kind of treatment, especially at your age and for all the things you have done to help.

    Hugs to you.
     
  6. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Invisiblemother, I have a 45 year of daughter a lot like you describe yours. Mine blames all her woes on me. She acts nice to get what she wants and then, boom, I'm a malicious mama who likes to see her suffer I said no to signing for an apt. In another state and I haven't heard from her in 3 months. I think what I've learned after giving 9 years of my life to her drama-filled existence and much money is that it is not going to change until after sobriety and intense recovery. It's just not going to change until we change ourselves and say no, no more. Is it easy? No; is it worth it? Yes. You sound like a good person and you deserve to enjoy your life. Hugs and prayers
     
  7. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    I think you're right. I can't change her. It's funny that people like me and I mean people who have known me since third grade. Just not my three addicted children. Sad because I care more about them than anything in the world. I do have to change myself and stop being A whipping post!
     
  8. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    I just talked to my therapist, who treats me for PTSD and she agreed that I should not try to contact her. She said I just keep getting abused and come back for more and that's not healthy. Thank you for the reply.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
    • List
  9. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    Thank you for saying that. Yes, I do have friends, who have known me from childhood. I rescue animals and trap neuter release animals. I help homeless people, etc. I never try to hurt anyone. I don't deserve to be treated like trash that can be thrown away at their whim!
     
    • Like Like x 2
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • List
  10. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    Thank you for the kind words. I'm so sick of crying and not sleeping over this. I need to put myself first for a change.
     
  11. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Invisible mother, you can do this. I come to this site every day, sometimes several times a day. I read what other people say and sometimes I post my thoughts. The people here have helped me so much. They've taught me to stay strong, focus on my self and the people who love me. Enjoy my life. I learned that my daughter has mental health issues. Don't know exactly what, but that doesn't matter I have hope that one day it will be better because there are 2 granddaughters involved who I love with all my heart. I've asked twice to speak to them with no response. I will not ask again. I will not beg.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • List
  12. Invisiblemother

    Invisiblemother New Member

    Thank you. I'm going to continue with the Al-Anon meeting. I'm so sorry about your situation also. It is just heartbreaking what they do to us, after all of our years of giving and giving and giving. You stay strong also!
     
  13. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    i am so sorry to hear what you are going through and no one deserves to be treated like this by anyone! Please focus on yourself and taking your power back and surrounding yourself with positive people , and animals who have light!

    When I was so wrapped up with trying to FIX and PLEASE my son, I became friends with someone who was training as a Buddhist monk. when I told him some of my ordeal he looked at me and said your soul is trying to tell you something but you aren't listening. I was taken aback by this but then came to realize that I was allowing all of the drama to rule my life, and forgot about me, myself, the little girl inside of me, and allowing her to be victimized. That's when I started to change. Funny, that once that happened how I was being treated started to change as well. Hugs for you, and know that we are all in this together!
     
  14. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    I didn't know where to post this so I'm putting it here. It's a feeing I have and I don't iike it. It's this: I don't have any feelings for my 45 year of daughter therer's nothing there. I don't feel love. I don't feel anything. It's like I don't care anymore. This is really bothering me. I have loved her so much I'd do anything for her. And now I feel nothing. This just doesn't seem right. I don't want see her. I don't want to talk to her. What's hasppening?
     
  15. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    I think that this feeling does not have anything to do with how much we love them.

    I think the human brain and heart can only take so much. And then we reach a higher plane. You begin to get that you have no control; that they are on their own journey, which has not anything really anymore to do with us.

    If I were you I would try to enjoy this detachment. And fill it with all kinds of constructive activity and support for you.
     
  16. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    Invisiblemother. There is so much you can do for yourself. 70 nowadays is middle age.

    Many of us have been traumatized. There is help. Even help you can do for yourself. There is a new approach of the last 20 years or so called somatic treatment of trauma. Any bilateral movement can help to discharge trauma. Animals do it. It is not a therapy or an approach that depends on words or an expert. Things like crafts, art, knitting, crochet, where you concentrate and use both hands, help. I see posting this way: you hold troubling feelings and thoughts in your mind when you type. In that way your brain changes. You can look on Amazon for books. One psychologist who deals with this approach is named Peter Levine. I have one of his books right here called: Walking the Tiger.

    When I read the reviews of the books, people who have never been helped by therapy, begin to change.

    I am in my 60's too. While there are no guarantees I have hope that my life will change, that I will have time for a new phase or two.

    There are groups for people who have been traumatized. Depending upon where you live. I have seen Art Therapy groups for traumatized people. And even dance. There are recreational activities that are solitary, or nearly so, like fishing. That is one thing I have wanted to do for many years and still have on my list.

    Life has to be about more than our kids, at our age. Even so called normal kids move away, most of them. There is time for hope. Keep posting.

    That kids move away or decide to dislike us, or decide that their needs or priorities are different-does not have to define us.
     
  17. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Copa, Thank you. I do stil love her You're right! I have finally surrendered.. The feeling I'm experencing is so different. Maybe this is what it's like. I am feeling peaceful, happy and excited about the future. At the same time, I sometimes feel sad. The times of sadness are getting fewer and times of happiness are increasing. I'm grateful.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
    • Winner Winner x 1
    • List
  18. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Buddhism is very grounding. Keep it up!
     
  19. Hilli

    Hilli Member

    I know exactly what you are feeling Mamacat. I have deep and tremendous feelings of love for my son but when I work to detach it feels like I don't love him. And that feeing helps me be strong but there is guilt. I think those of us who have enabled our children for so long have a hard time with understanding the difference. My other son is successful and gives me no trouble. My feelings for him are not confusing. But when you have to detach from a loved one for their sake and your own, it gets confusing. I go back and forth between sadness and feelings of empowerment by the minute. Telling someone to let their 45 yo daughter go and to not reach out is healthy and the right decision but unless you're in it, you can't possibly know how hard that is - as we all do.
     
  20. Mamacat

    Mamacat Active Member

    Hili, you used the right word when you said it's confusing. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet, the absence of drama,the decisions about what to do. On the other hand, I miss speaking to my granddaughters, hearing what they've been doing, telling them I love them I miss talking to my daughter, hearing what she's been doing. I miss them. I wish for something different, but it's not and I can't change it. How long will it be like this? I don't know. Maybe a short time, maybe forever.