Why the Therapist Thinks it's Mom's Fault...

[DammitJanet]

I didnt have a whole lot of people that ever told me or insinuated that my kids problems were my fault. Not their mental health problems. Now I did have a social services caseworker almost accuse me of breaking Cory's arm when she saw him in a half body cast after he had surgery on his left shoulder.

Picture this cute little boy having to wear his much older brothers shirts to cover this huge cast. He looks pitiful. She glares at me and snarls...what on earth did you do to him? I looked at her and said...Cory...tell her about your shoulder. He went into detail about his operation at DUKE! LOL. Like I would take a kid into DSS that I had abused. Please...Im not stupid.

I guess I was pretty lucky that I started very young with my kids and we stayed with the same agency so everyone knew our family. I know that they did document comments like if the kids came in disheveled on certain days or if I seemed overly stressed. Hey....we were extremely poor when they were first starting therapy. I did my best to keep them in clean clothes even if I could not always afford brand new name brand clothes. Sometimes therapy was after school or straight from headstart. Cory got dirty quick! I read that stuff in his Exceptional Child folder years later....they had notes from when he was little. I just laughed and did a little editing of my own. (dumb bunny's had me hand carry the file from one school to another and I decided to have lunch and read the file!)

 

[Star*]

Wouldnt you LOVE to have your folder from the school and make a few exceptions....or make notes in the margins of a school psychiatrist notes - maybe in red ink - you know to STAND out.

*note - I had severe PMS today so may not have been thinking clearly about this childs needs and his parents.

**one too many tequila shooters last night while I was dancing on the bar at the school district party - perhaps I was harsh in my criticism of the parent.

***my girlfriend showed up at my office today - she told me she's leaving me for another woman. That's good - saves me the bother of telling her I'm leaving her for another man.

Yeah - I have my fantasies - JANET got to live them.....lol

 

[totoro]

What I learned from our first therapist who admitted after a year that she actually thought we were exaggerating K's issues! HA, was that she was blown away by how well K had had held it together for so long!
So now when we go into a new therapist, we interview them. I ask them what they know about the disorder. I bring a video of K. I ask them to watch it after the meeting I bring a folder of K's info and ask them to copy any info they think would help them understand K better.
I tell them that I realize we are not perfect and husband and I can learn, but that the therapist needs to take the time and learn about my child.
No good therapist can figure out my child in a couple of sessions and if they think they can then they are not good.
I ask them if they know about Honeymooning? I then tell them that K will do this, possibly a few weeks, maybe a few months. If they are good they will slowly get through this and see the real K.
I reiterate that we are a team and husband and I want to learn how to help K better or we would not be there.
I give them all of the examples of K holding it together for professionals, and how they have been SO surprised when the she lets loose!

I also give them the old, "Well you know all of this if you know about Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP) and especially Early Onset Bi-Polar (EOBP) in girls"

I always kiss up a bit, but keep up the fact that I know my child the best and they have a lot to learn from me also.

husband and I also have monthly meetings with her therapist without K, to discuss our goals, strategies etc.
We are open to trying things that we have tried in the past also, don't ever give up on old things.
Sure bribery, allowance or taking things away, may not have worked a year ago or even 6 months... but our kids change and revisiting these things is a good idea.

And remember, it is not our fault, sure we can always be better parents, but then so can all parents!

 

[DammitJanet]

May I edit...This all happened when I was taking Corys folder to his very last high school. Second chance at doing 9th grade and we all expected it wouldnt work. We had basically removed him from the ED classroom but left him in that classification for IEP status. He was losing all supports other than just having a sheet of paper stating that he was on an IEP with an aid. Classes werent even expected to be attainable. The kid hadnt even been in a regular classroom since 5th grade. I knew he was doomed to fail. It wasnt if, it was when.

 

[aeroeng]

I have not had to tell the therapist this. My difficult child has a thing about seeing the Dr. So he always comes angry and thus I do not need to defend the parent position. (psychiatrist put him in a head lock once and that has made all future Dr appointments a challenge).

Usually these discussions are with teachers, therapists, and others. difficult child is usually not around. The point in the discussion is to show the person a collection of strategies and experiences so you can't blame parenting.

Quote:
Well yes I tried that this happened ... Tried that too... he did .... Let me show you what happens when we do that ...
Jumping Occupational Therapist (OT) just a sec- I have been wondering, when you tell therapist things like this, do you do it in the middle of a family therapy session, with difficult child right there? I have tried it both ways and neither one worked well.

 

[DaisyFace]

Totoro--

I like your pro-active approach! What a great idea!!

--DaisyF

 

[totoro]

Well Daisy we had someone tell us that we needed to spank K once and then I got ahold of our Doctors report once and it said, "I think Mom just needs to vent"
Another psychiatrist's said, "Parents are too coddling, they give in to child too much"
We were supposed to continually put K in time outs...

I spent a lot of time crying and then getting very angry!!!

My Inlaws have told me 2x's that this was a "self full filling prophecy" they have since seen the light... after many tears.

 

[DammitJanet]

My therapist thinks some of my problems are my moms fault and I agree with her...lmao! So sometimes some things are parenting problems. Of course, if the woman was still alive she would never agree with that conclusion. She was a perfect parent....cough cough...gag me. Yes, she was the perfect parent to create a borderline adult.

I have done my best to change things but I know that I have failed miserably at times and that there are probably dozens of things I have done that can be labeled as my fault in making my kids the way they are. However, in saying that, I also have to take credit for working my tail off in helping them and now they have whatever success they do today. Jamie is very successful: owns his own house, married, youngest person in his position at his job and they love him. He is in line to become supervisor then chief of animal control.

 

[klmno]

We all have faults and effect each other. After reading through here and seeing the latest posts, what pops out in my mind are three possible scenarios:

1) Where the parent sees no fault in themselves and wouldn't change that fault if they did see it and wouldn't care to be flexible to help their difficult child- making it all on difficult child's shoulders. As I think Janet is saying, my mother was and is this way.

2) Where the parent tries to overcome thier own difficulties and be flexible, but still wants the difficult children to learn that they can't change anyone but themselves and they have to learn to take responsibility for their own choices and future. This is how I strive to be and feel like I do seek this out, although I'm sure I haven't perfected it yet- obviously.

3) Where the parent accepts blame and responsibility for it all and just keeps pursuing changes in their parenting techniques without holding the difficult child accountable at all- which no therapist outwardly condones, but when it gets to a point where others are acting like everything the difficult child is doing is a reaction to the parent so the difficult child doesn't need to make any changes, only the parent does, I think it's gone too far, in my humble opinion. (That is except in cases of abuse or neglect, of course.)

Janet, the very fact that you have other kids who don't/didn't have the same difficulties as Cory shows that you don't fit #1 0r 3.

 

[Marguerite]

Wonderful Family, you said,

Apologies in advance, I didn't mean to be flip about the dog earlier - my dog is actually my best therapist. Perfect Dog (we have no easy child for them here) is great at his job.

You need to check out Star's post on Watercooler.

I'm rushing into this, I only have a couple of minutes in a busy morning. But from the original post, since we are more likely to get judged when we go into a consulting scenario feelnig tense, overwhelmed, stressed and negative - we need to take a few deep breaths before going in, square our shoulders and mentally prepare ourselves.

Some things to remind ourselves of at this point:

1) I am seeking the input, expertise and support of a FELLOW professional when it comes to my child's issues. I am also an expert because I am the parent who is handling this problem at the coalface. However, the expert I am consulting today has expertise in X area which is not something I personally am qualified for. So while I will defer in these areas, I will be as calm and impartial as possible, as a professional, and lay my cards on the table.

2) I will NOT go in there trying to let my own mood or appearance tell the story. I may do this with my friends and family, allowing my slumped shoulders and untidy appearance to tell a story, but here in a professional encounter, I must make a professional impression and rely on WORDS and not my appearance or manner.

3) I have brought copies of reports or anything else possibly relevant, all gathered in a manila folder, everything stapled. These are copies the doctor can keep (saves constantly calling the secretary to copy files, keeps the info always in front of the doctor, allows the doctor to immediately begin scrawling notes should he choose to). I alsos have my ready reference point form notes of the FACTS I need to present and get some sort of feedback for.

I am ready.

And because I am ready, I now feel more confident that I will present as full and complete a picture as I can of myself as the sort of parent who would be brilliant with any normal kid, but who of course is fully equipped to recognise something out of the ordinary when I meet it, and also not being too proud to say my child doesn't fit the usual picture.

OK, I go in thus prepared. But it's not foolproof. A constant handicap is my physical disability. I have had professionals often judge me as deficient mentally or incompetent in some way, purely due to their perception of my physical disability. There is nothing I can do about this, except to try to break the stereotype once more, of what people perceive a cripple to be (I know - harsh word, but I face facts).

So I probably go to a bit more trouble than usual over my appearance. That doesn't mean ging in made up to the nth degree, not a hair out of place and perfect manicure - far from it. You do NOT want to look like Bree from Desperate Housewives or the specialist will immediately label you as anal-retentive. Notshould you look like you spend every cent on your appearance or the doctor will assume that your child is being neglected in order that you may meet your own obsessive requirements.
The best option is to dress like a legal aid solicitor (budget lawyer). Neat, slightly formal, but dowdy. If you have a dark three-piece suit with flat heels, go for it. No nail polish, or a plain colour with short nails. Hair pulled back off your face, up in a French roll or bun if you can, some neutral lipstick. Think - SuperNanny, before she lets her hair down. Only slightly less anal about it.

I know this sounds ridiculous, to worry about your presentation to this extent. Maybe I've gone a bit overboard over the years, but I've also experienced a fair bit of judgement over the years too, when I didn't follow these rules and instead just let my panic and anxiety show.

Never forget - the biggest part of your personal presenttion, is your attitude. If you go in with an air of, "I am an expert on my own children, but in this I need your expert wisdom, I am a bit out of my depth which is unusual for me," and can project tis with confidence, then you are more likely to be taken seriously, than if you go in with an air of, "Help! This kid is totally out of control, I am helpless!"

So even if you Do feel like your kid is totally out of control and you are helpless - try to not look it.

You could still find yourself getting judged, but you will have done everything possible to minimise it.

It shouldn't be, but too often it's a game. And you need to have your game plan in place.

Think of it as one more thing you can do to liven your day.

Marg

 

[Sheila]

Because it's the way professionals are trained.

I read a study on this once. Wish I could remember where it's located on the interenet.

 

[DaisyFace]

Wow, Marg!

Great advice! I admit I never thought about going in to meet one of these people the way I might prepare for a job interview or other such meeting. What you say makes a lot of sense.

--DaisyF