Who has mistreated you, Leafy? Do you feel it was yourself, in the ways you will have been taught to see yourself, or do you feel someone else has mistreated you?
Do you feel the sister has mistreated you?
I think it is both Cedar, that through mistreatment growing up, I have learned to mistreat myself in certain ways. To put others before me, sometimes to self detriment. Others see my willingness to give, and have taken advantage of this. This I must recognize and weigh more carefully. I have to learn to tell myself " Just because you can, doesn't mean you should."
Beautiful imagery, Leafy. I can SO relate.
And yes, Cedar, rescue horses are OFTEN saved from slaughter. Some very good horses are sent there by bad owners that just want a fast way out of responsibility. Horses that just need a bit of work, or a work-around for their problem. Instead of being given up on.
I've been on the edge of "being slaughtered" for a looonnnggg time. I think I know what Leafy means, but it's hard to explain.
Thank you for this IC. It is true. These horses my sister and her friend save are actually in the kill buyers. It has become quite a business. They advertise the "good horses" and put a price on them. They are sometimes abused, or like dogs and cats, bought for "gifts" for children, where people don't really understand the amount of work it takes to properly care for these animals. They are discarded.
Is the imagery then something positive? That there was a time when one was bereft and alone but that we have now been rescued and are grateful for the beautiful pasture?
It is mostly positive, and a little sad. Rather bitter sweet. It also symbolizes a promising future.
Being rescued is definitely positive. But it is rescue in the sense of horses (or dogs), not in human terms. We are brought into something better. Interaction with people who care. Provision for our needs, recognition of our limitations, and the privilege of being given something useful to do. Being valued for who we are, not for what we can accomplish (winning on the track or in the ring).
Yes IC. I wanted my sister to try to understand the issues I have dealt with in comparison with her understanding of these horses. They come to the farm unsteady and unsure, sensitive and broken by their experience. Some have trust issues. The rescuers are intent on giving these animals the respect and peace that should be due all creatures of God.
Does your sister appear to care more for the animals, than for you, to hear their pain and yearning, and not your own? Do you feel she does not respond to your pain and hurt, but does to theirs?
Yes, Copa. There was a period of time that my sister and I grew close. She was my confidante. We would speak regularly on the phone. She drew nearer to me especially during my fathers illness. It was a desperate time for both of us. She, struggling with Daddy's sickness and her feeling that he was not receiving the best care. I, struggling with being so far away, and also with troubles with my d c's. I do feel that the time it took for me to break free from enabling grieved her. She did not like to see hubs and I suffer.
I understand her feeling. It must sound after awhile to an onlooker, like a broken record. It is easy for one not involved to say "What? You are helping them again? Did not you learn yet?"
I could understand how it would hurt someone close to hear of it. Much like our d c's troubles affect us?
Do you think she might feel the same? How is she like you, New Leaf? How may you be like her? Is there a way to come together, one understanding the other? Because it may be a two way street. What you feel you miss in her, she may feel the same, or similar.
This is true Copa, we are much the same in many ways. I have recognized that to love these animals, and only be able to help a few, must be discouraging and disconcerting. I have also figured out her lot in life now, is hard. Her friend has a traumatic brain injury. She is high functioning, but sis says, has lost certain personality traits. She is toughened, hard sometimes. Sis pays room and board by barn chores and driving her friend. She also works some nights. I do realize she must be tired. We have both had a hard time with our fathers passing, and moms illness. So, yes, I do see the two way street. That is why I have tried to show her, I am like a rescue horse, I have a tough situation, but I will come out of this.
I think this is what Cedar means when she talks about neural pathways. That we can change them. Reconstruct them. Those that have become habitual. All it takes is a different decision about the same thing. Seeing it another way. I think that was what Going North was trying to tell me about my thinking and suffering feeling about my son, dependent upon what he does or does not do.
Yes, I am trying to do this. That is what I meant about being careful about who I share my story with. Perhaps she has heard enough. That is okay, her feelings, so, I will adjust and respect that.
First, the sister cares for mistreated animals. This is a choice and a responsibility that she accepts and owns and does with dedication.
Yes, I admire her for this, it is hard work.
New Leaf, do you feel that your sister holds these animals as more important than are you, to her? That you desire, yearn for, require, a similar dedication, acceptance from her, and that she hold you and your needs with a similar responsibility?
Yes and no Copa. I feel that she has become impatient and misunderstanding of my emotional reactions. I think she feels I am stuck in the past. I want her to know that I have gone through difficult times, and am searching myself and my life to become a better, stronger person. That if I cry, I am not falling apart, I am falling
together.
Was there a time that you wished for that from her? How much older is she, than you? Looking from adult eyes, was this wish a realistic one, then? Is it now?
I always wished to be close with my sister, Copa. We are just 13 months apart. Yes, it is realistic, it has happened, and I am sure will happen again.
What would it mean for you, New Leaf, if she complied, now? Would you be diminished or enhanced?
If my sister were to understand that I do love her, that my going through my childhood history is not to blame seek, rather to understand more of myself, I think I would feel more at peace. It is not a matter of diminished, or enhanced, more of a mutual knowing? That we had our trials, as all siblings have, but that I am okay with it? That I am trying to embrace it, learn from it and move on. I suppose you could say that is an enhancement, yes. I wish she would understand that I am seeking to discover and heal, make whole....my
self.
This question applies to all of us. I know that I for sure feel to have been mistreated by my sister, and she by me. There are so many layers of years and years of the sense of betrayal, abandonment, rejection, shunning it feels close to impossible to untangle it. She feels this for me. And I, with her.
I do believe all people have had unique upbringings and experiences with FOO. Some definitely more challenging than others. It is the stuff of books and plays. For sure, we make mistakes and hurt others, even ourselves.
It could be that your sister is confused, absolutely does not know that are reacting this way and has not intended it. Of course, she could have intended every bit of it. But it could easily be that the feelings are in you.
It is both possibilities. Any relationship is hard work. I will say my older brother and younger sister do not want to deal with her. I have in the recent past, been the "middle man". Trying to negotiate the preservation of our family. Sis has been feeling for a long time misunderstood by these two. They have felt bullied and put upon by her insistence on medical decisions for my parents. They have been stood up by her on many occasions whereby she has promised help, but backed out at the last minute, causing them to scramble to aid my parents. This has caused a rift. My communicating with my other siblings appears to upset my sister, as if I have taken sides. I am trying to be Switzerland.
At the same time, my sister must own up the consequences of her behaviors.
Of course, she may feel repulsed. It may be true. But the feeling is in you. It is yours.
Yes, but it does hurt. It is mine, and I am searching the meaning of it.
our interactions too, as an adult, have effects on her. Both of you are adults now. Each with an inner child. There is the potential for reciprocity. But not if one adult is the victim and the other the perpetrator.
I think we have recently fallen into old roles, in this Copa. That is what it has felt like to me. She is the older, domineering sister, and I, the weak, overly sensitive younger. She will prod me to tears, then chastise me for crying. I have not retreated, so to speak, into my room, like leafy in the past. I have declared my feelings. She does not like this, reacts with bitterness and rebuking. Silent treatment and stubbornness. As if by my emotions, I have betrayed her.
We are all different in our decisions about staying and leaving and why.
Yes, I do not judge my sisters life decisions, it is her way. I would like the same consideration, I suppose.
I had an aunt like this that used to tell me how lucky I was to have my stepfather. Who beat me and despised me. He was a sadist. She said other men would have thrown me out. Great.
I am sorry for this, Copa, did she know of this? His treatment of you? "Other men would have thrown you out" how sad, this is Copa, I am so sorry, to be abused as a child and then spoken to this way, deplorable. I ask if she knew because hubs father was the same. He was sadistic, a wife and child abuser, but people loved him.
I do not know if they knew of his evil machinations.
He was kind and fun loving, even good natured to others. All a circus act....
We are in our circumstances. If we stay in them, we have chosen them. If we stay because we have a higher value, say of commitment or constancy or responsibility, we are not a victim. We have chosen.
In the manner of circumstances, I was referring to my d c's. In this, I have no control, only to my response. Also to my dealings with non profit bullies, which my sister knew of. I did not realize the extent of ugly politicking until it hit me, square in the gut. I do realize that I may choose to leave it, and move on, or stay and fight. I am leaning towards going, too much corruption and ugliness for my taste.
I do. I have no control over anybody else. But I decide how I respond. To me, that is everything.
This is true and wise Copa.
If this is so, that she believes this about you, and about life itself, I can see how it has closed down communication. Because this is a powerful feeling to have...that somebody blames me for my misfortune and feels I caused the misfortune of my child. That I brought it about.
In some ways I think this is what she feels. It is not the right time to ask.......and I am wrong to assume anything.
On the other hand, what you write of her makes her sound as if she has a great deal of vulnerability as well. Her sensitivity to the wounded and neglected horses, only one thing.
In many ways she is vulnerable and lovable.
The reality is that there are aggressive people. Like horses. What does it really mean about us? Why do we take it personally?
I suppose it becomes personal when the aggression is obviously directed at us. If there has developed a pattern of acquiescing, retreat, then one stands up for oneself.....I think this is what happened on my fall trip. I think she was taken by surprise.
Somebody came up after him and wanted his power. He got knocked out of his position or ceded it, I do not remember which. It bothered him, pained him for a long time.
Thank you for sharing this Copa, I feel badly for M.
It is hard to work heart and soul for a cause, then to be tread upon and misspoken of.
This is my dilemma. I know what I stand for, though it is a difficult thing, to be targeted in such a way.
Now? I never hear him talk about it. I think he could care less. I see him as more and more building his value in himself.
I think this will be true in my case ,too, the more time and distance occurs. We all have to pick and choose, how we spend our precious time.
When I came to know her I saw she was a bully and a control freak. She was mean.
This is true for this woman. There are many very aggressive people in this world, who do not care how they treat others. They can be charismatic, charming, but eventually, people find out their true colors.
It's easier for me to see and acknowledge the value in others. Much harder to see and acknowledge it in myself. The concept probably isn't different, I just have a lot more practice at the first one than at the second one.
I understand this IC. This has been a struggle for me, to understand and appreciate my own value. I look at it this way, the golden rule, "Do unto others, as you would do unto yourself."
I think it goes both ways, a model for treating others and ourselves with respect.
Some of us find it easier to look outward than to look inward. I'm one of those. So, I don't see myself well. I know that, so I tend to feel safer undervaluing myself than overvaluing myself. But I'm pretty good at looking outward, and seeing appropriate value in others. At least I try to live that way.
IC, I have to tell you, you have wonderful wisdom and insight, you are kind and caring, I thank you for what you have shared with me, the few months I have been here. I value your sentiments tremendously.
Whew, I fear I have written another book Copa, I apologize. Thank you Cedar, for your input. Thank you Insane for understanding my Rescue Horse image. I am sorry you have been on the edge of slaughter, I do know the feeling.
Thank you all for allowing me to express myself and for your most kind interest.
(((HUGS)))
leafy
