Work and Germany Part II: Abandonment Recovery

[New Leaf]

And then there is our favorite.....

OFFICIAL Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole - "What A Wonderful World" Video

Have a loving, joyous, faith-filled, peaceful day.

leafy

 

[InsaneCdn]

Cedar, (in a very whiny voice) I want to learn how to make the emoticon that rolls on the floor laughing, too.

It's on the list of emoticons, but I can never find it there.
I just type the following without the spaces...

: r o f l :

which gives

 

[New Leaf]

I love him, he is so gloriously happy.


IC, you are clever

 

[InsaneCdn]

IC, you are clever

Nope. I had to get runawaybunny to show me how to do it. I'm just sharing.

 

[New Leaf]

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

We are not laying to rest the memories, they will always be there, as a reminder, a lesson.

I wonder whether we can learn to values clarify regarding our memories, Leafy. I mean, I wonder whether we can learn to tease out the parts that are toxic to us and change the feeling tone regarding the way we believe ourselves to be.

I believe that we can.

To change it from resentment (or trauma, as Serenity's posting this morning would indicate) to some generous something that just is what it is. We can learn alot from fairy tales and myth and legend. We can learn concepts like "Hero's Journey", ponder over the goodness of mistreated heroines like Cinderella and Snow White and Sleeping Beauty and Maleficent.

They were inherently good.

Perhaps there is a truth there, for us.

Or to turning our role from abused to heroic; to somehow see our stories as brilliantly noble instead of as the shaming, hurtful things they are when we are seeing ourselves through the eyes of our abusers. It would be something like I did in finding outside witnesses who could know, without equivocation or forgiveness or any of the things I see when I see myself being hurt by the patterns in my abusive FOO. I did that, in coming through and reinterpreting the worst memories. It was before you joined us, Leafy. My witnesses were Maya and the black lady from Matrix and Lisa Vanderpump.

Carl Jung is an important figure in my imagining, too. He kept an effigy of himself safely tucked away from the world for all of his life. At the end of his life, he carved his stories into rock.

***

And the witnesses worked, because though I could not see the wrongness in what my mother was doing, between the three of them, there was no doubt that my mother had been wrong, and was not respectable, in their eyes. The grandiosity and certainty and contempt I remembered seeing in my mother's eyes and had learned to see, when I saw myself, evaporated, in the responses of those three witnesses.

I had not been able to come on top of the memories without further witness. I was revisiting the memories and retraumatizing myself.

They are still there, laughing like Maya and smoking cigarettes and baking cookies like the lady in Matrix, and saying, like Lisa, with such certainty: "Unacceptable."

Now I forgot where I was going with this.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Dream: I am driving my own real car. It is old, but I really like it. In real life, that is my car here. A little white convertible; white inside and out and really cute to me. In the dream, the hubcap cover falls off the left back tire with a clattering. I accept that these things can happen, stop the car, find the cover, re-affix it, and continue driving.

There is something here about the noise it makes, falling so unexpectedly off. Something that would normally freeze me in place and prevent my driving confidently, again.

Something that would normally leave me feeling stupid, and berating myself for not having known I had a hubcap cover instead of a wheel that did not need a cover to make it look pretty. In the dream, I see it, understand what it is, am mildly surprised that the wheels have fake hubcap covers on them, the kind of thing people put on their cars to make them look prettier.

On my real car, the wheels are fine and there is no hubcap cover thingie.

I think I had that dream before awakening to those thoughts of my mother that turned from pleasant to resent filled.

I have not had a dream in which I was driving before.

In the dreams I have had about driving in the past, I am a passenger. There have been two dreams. In one, my mother is driving, and though I own the car, I am in the back seat. We go through a drive in window to order food and my mother says: "Pepper!"

That's the dream.

It's from years and years ago, after our family became so troubled.

In the other dream, D H becomes very sick. I am supposed to drive, and I do take the wheel, but I cannot stay awake. Dark and stormy weather with thunder and lightning.

This dream was from that same time, years and years ago.

Oh, wait. I must have dreams about cars and driving all the time. I remember now that there was a dream about driving a hugely powerful car backwards, roaringly, powerfully, backwards up the canal where we live. The car is hugely powerful and makes roaringly loud noises and displaces massive amounts of water and I am driving, fast, and looking behind me to do so.

It is night.

Little scary, that dream.

Maybe three years ago, I had that dream.

Another: A very old car, huge in the way old cars are, rises from beneath the sand under the ocean. It is scoured clean of rust or debris or paint by the sand as it has come to the surface under the ocean.

Sunny water.

Like in the videos Leafy posts for us.

That dream about three years ago, too.

***

Tai Chi this afternoon, and volunteer work tomorrow everyone, so I may not post again until Thursday.

Thank you for witnessing for me.

Cedar

 

[New Leaf]

Car dreams. You have conjured up the recurring car dream I have had from as far back as I can remember, Cedar.
I am at kindergarten ,and my mom has come to pick me up, and bring me to the next school. She is in the little building, talking with the teacher. I am in the car, a 1964 country squire, we did not have a car like this when I was growing up. It is a new car. The engine starts, suddenly, I am in the drivers seat. I am terrified, I do not know how to drive. I have had this dream since I was five. I am five, driving this car, whenever I have this dream.There is no ending to this dream, only a feeling of continuation.......

Car dreams. Huh.

I am thinking a lot about Maya Angelou, today. I will share more later. I am posting on my break......
Have a wonderful day today and Wednesday Cedar.
Thank you for sharing your car dreams, they stirred up mine. I have not had this dream for awhile. Perhaps it is because I am not sleeping well.

Mahalo Nui loa

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

New Leaf,

Thank you for Iz. I am listening as I read and post.

These were such happy ways of thinking, without bitterness.

I think it is a good thing that your mother came to mind, with love, and you undefended. Because that is who you are. Not her.

Your mother is dangerous to you. She has consciously decided to shun and to hurt you since you were a baby.

That you revert to suspicion or caution is smart.

The problem is that you attack yourself for your caution. Instead of owning it and applauding it, as sensible and astute.

When I fell in love (again) with my mother, she was dying and defenseless. While she had any capacity at all she continued to take advantage of and dominate me. In response to that I turned into an automaton and her servant. I completely gave up myself.

When I fell in love with my Mother, it was almost, but not totally, loving the her that was inside of me. She was already disarmed.

I think he awakened me through the force of his will, staring at me like that.

Don't you just love this?

Love, and what that is.

Faith, I think. More than anything, faith.

I do not agree. I think love is first, biological. Pure chemistry. Especially between Baby and Mother. Then immediately it becomes attachment. An attachment that is so fierce and strong that it survives longer than a lifetime and every type of assault that comes to it. And when it becomes troubled, it protects itself through hate.

The last thing love is for me is faith. The bracelet of love is a ball and chain. Of gold and silver and all of the jewels in the world.

I could watch the process of change in my thinking and in the feeling state brought into being through my thinking but not through my will from bright and generous to dark and twisted and miserly.

Those are judgments, Cedar. Judgments you make of yourself to blame yourself instead of your mother. Your mother is not a victim here. You are.

That is a round about way of saying: Have nothing to protect.

I like this so much better than nothing to fear. Because you control it. There is always something to fear.

There is an internal dialogue happening that works like a thermostat, I think. What level of self is safe; what can I afford to lose and keep living. This has to do with trust, and with why for us, to trust is a choice with limits having to do with how much we can afford to risk and survive the loss of it.

I do not agree with this, either, although I like your imagery about a thermostat.

I think you would be safe with your Mother, now. In a limited encounter that you control. Not because she is safe. Because you are strong. And prepared. Even if a hubcap falls off. You will know what to do and how to act.

Like a lunch or dinner out, alone. *Does your mother still drive? I would hate the idea of your picking her up at your sister's house.

I think it is a matter of choosing it. When.

Or to turning our role from abused to heroic; to somehow see our stories as brilliantly noble

I think I am getting there. I think we all are.

It is amazing to me Serenity's story. It seems that her accident and the response of her family changed something essential for her. And she felt in an instant, her gratitude and the bountiful love she had created in her life. Just like that. But it all was all already there. It is the same for you, Cedar.

The engine starts, suddenly, I am in the drivers seat. I am terrified, I do not know how to drive.

But you do now, Cedar.

The thing is, we are all of us not really needing to go anywhere. All of what we need is already here. We are complete. It is only to see it. And feel it. Like did Serenity.

We are the ones, now, who can and need give ourselves the sleeping beauty kiss. We may have done so already.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

A quick one....I am at work. I stumbled upon a website that is intriguing to me. Perhaps my warrior sisters know of this

http://notsalmon.com

There are some things for sale, but I think I will look more into this young woman's mindset. She is intriguing. What do you think?

leafy

 

[Copabanana]

Hi New Leaf

It is just you and me, I think. How are you doing?

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

Hi Copa I am okay, getting ready to close up my office, how are you?
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

I looked. I am always suspicious of a money making operation. I think you could do better yourself, by checking out the original sources she cites. If you want, we can do it together. Decide upon a short reading list, and having an online book club to discuss the readings. I bet Cedar will be interested.

COPA

 

[Copabanana]

I do not feel so good. I am not sure why. Perhaps it is the hangover from the phone call with my son. Whenever I have a conflicted call I feel defeated and vulnerable.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I know, that bothers me too. I like her style, but the website has a lot of buy this buy that....ugh.

Oh Copa you had such a nice call the other day, I am sorry for the recent one. I am sorry you are not feeling well. D c's take a lot of energy out of us.

Did I tell you Copa that when my Tornado was spewing explicative derivatives at the top of her lungs as she encircled my house, part of that was in reference to my ethnicity? ( Which was really stupid because, after all she is my blood). Well, that was quite painful. My people were not racists, they were very gracious towards all cultures, teaching us to be loving. These kids......
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

I am clicking on my phone. My fingers are too clumsy and chubby. Copa, I have to go pick up my boy and take him to practice. I will be back this evening. I hope you feel better, perhaps some tea?

TTL
leafy

 

[Copabanana]

part of that was in reference to my ethnicity?

How do you deal with it Leafy? No. I did not know.

How would you deal with it? I do not want to go to war with my child.

At the same time it is an essential thing that he learn the consequences of his attitudes and his beliefs. If I tolerate it, (which I do not believe I can) it is as if to condone it.

The only thing I can think to do is to tell him when he calls how I feel.

That it hurts me that he has identified as a target of his suspicion and mistrust a group of people of which I am a member. And that by his expressed attitudes, he adds to a climate of hatred and suspicion, the history of which is malevolent and ugly and brutal. And I am the target. Among them.

He will say that it is only some. Or only Israel. Or only Zionism. And I will say, yes. That may be how you think and feel, but the result is against everybody. Including me. And once you start with one race, one ethnic group, where does it end?

That I cannot control nor should I, how he believes but I can request that he not talk to me about it. That he protect me from it. Because if he does not. I will protect myself. And it will limit, and is limiting the kind of relationship we have.

Is this wrong?

perhaps some tea?

Yes, I am drinking tea. It always soothes me especially in late afternoon.

COPA

 

[New Leaf]

I don't know if I can say I have dealt with it Copa. We haven't spoken since. That was August 31, and I have not tried to contact her. I feel the ball is in her court.
I am tired of the disrespect. She has born ill will to me, as her mother. She grew up with many opportunities, but it was never enough. She traveled, like your son, at 14. She went through some terrible teen decision making. Pregnant at 15. We stood by her and helped her. It was never enough in her eyes.
I am stubbornly waiting for an apology. It may never come. I may change my mind later on. For now, the ball is in her court. I cannot make her respect me, any more than I could make her stop the path she is on. Maybe I am cruel with my stubbornness. I don't know Copa, but I am giving it time. I am on my timeline.
Your son is crossing your boundaries and disrespecting your wishes. It is easy enough to understand that people will be offended by certain topics and refrain oneself. When my father was alive, I did not force myself on his wishes to have quiet company. It hurt me, but my respect for him was bigger than my feelings. I live with it now, but understand he was in a world of his own, dealing with his illness and his impending demise. His life on earth was short. With my mom being ill, I have to guard my words with her, she is in another place. I do not bring up subjects that upset her. If I do, and she grows quiet, I change the subject, or know the next time we speak, I have to be gentle with my words and hold lighter conversations.
I do not think you are wrong in protecting yourself. It is about your boundaries, a matter of a son respecting his mothers wishes and sensitivities. I am sure you have been more than honest about this Copa. As an adult child he is still responsible to honor his mother. That is what I think.
I am off to sons canoe practice. I will be back later.

I hope my words did not offend you. It is more difficult for you I think because he is your only child. But, he is still under the rule of respect, as all of us are.
You are the captain of your ship. You are the one who determines how you are approached. It is not unreasonable, or "controlling" to expect the respect and good treatment you deserve.

TTL
Leafy

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

Good Morning, Everybody

:O)

That he protect me from it. Because if he does not. I will protect myself.

I like this very much, Copa. That your son should protect, and that if he does not, you will protect yourself. That is a good lesson for Son to learn about how to do life, and about how to respect and protect himself.

You are being a strong Mother.

***

I think for us the question to examine will be: Why am I feeling badly for Son's willfully unkind actions? What is it in us that allows us to question our feelings in these matters, as though we do not merit either consideration or respect, let alone protection?

Why is it that we are not able to speak our opinions clearly and sincerely with every expectation that the people we love will respond kindly? And if they do not, why does that leave us feeling at risk or angry? What is happening around those feelings, for us?

I mean, we know why that happens to us, but my question is how we can turn and heal that series of emotional rejections within us, so that we are as strong inside as we appear, outside.

I have been thinking about that since awakening thinking about my mom and my sister that night. Initially, it was fun to remember them; then, I got all twisted up. Tangled up in blue, like in that Bob Dylan song.

The difference was me.

So, I have been looking at that place where we (where I) seem to need to punish myself with the most terrible feelings and interpretations and conclusions about self worth that drains away and leaves me feeling hurt and angry and judged against.

And no one was there but me, and I awakened very happily.

Huh.

This is what is happening to you too I think, Copa. You have taken the correct stance. But like me, there is somewhere within you too, some scary place where we are sure we deserved the bad behavior. And in that place the good things, the bright laughter or sweet smiles?

It's as though those good things that did happen never happened.

This is a gift for us, I think, Copa and everyone, that these things are happening. These feeling states ~ these are the ways we were taught to see ourselves by our abusers. Maybe, they did not even do it intentionally but here we still are, carting those interpretations of self around, like they matter when they do not. Those interpretations are like some bad smell.

Let's get some fresh air in here; clear it out.

This is exactly where we need to be to do our work of interpreting and healing ourselves.

That is what happened to me in that experience of awakening happily to memories of my mother and, within minutes, of putting myself into such a terrible emotional space that I got up and came in to touch base with you all. Because it was scary and lonely and I felt spurned.

And I have been looking so ugly to myself again lately, since I have been messing around in that abandonment place.

Which I think is very brave of me, actually.

Or maybe I really did turn ugly.

So, do you see the ulterior dark thing at work in this whole ugliness dialogue?

We are so much healthier, everybody. There was a time when we could not see that so clearly.

But I do look pretty terrible.

I'm just saying.

Cedar

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I know who we need to be our internal witness to these feelings.

IZ, who knows that secret of sincerity and of cherishing self and of taking pleasure in other, and Presence, and time. The video in which the woman is caring for his hair and he is simply present without judging whether he merits that care, or whether another time was better or worse or how the caregiver might feel about him ~ about whether she might not love him at all, in her secret heart, or find him repulsive.

And then, we have that imagery of IZ in that blue water, so hugely Present.

These things are a mystery to me, still.

But IZ will be an excellent teacher for us now, and we are so fortunate to have found him.

Thank you, Leafy.

Cedar