Youngest daughter (25) living with much older man (33 years older) not talking to me

[RuthShadburne]

I have done a background check, nothing too alarming, bankruptcies and a couple of divorces. Second one a much younger wife. Getting the PI who helped me a few months ago back on it. You see, I have met the guy a few times. YD kept in touch between February and the beginning of November. Her 25th birthday was in early November, that's when things really blew up. I think he got worried about us interacting with her as it got closer to our visit. Also, T2 lives close by. He has been disruptive to YD and T2's relationship since T2 moved closer by. YD has always been a very independent young woman. She has travelled extensively world wide, is smart, and usually very kind and empathetic. She completely changed when she met this guy. She has broken off contact with most of her friends from high school and college, as well as the family. Okay, I am getting on with getting the PI involved. I just have to know she's okay. I really appreciate everyone's input. TBoy has been very supportive. He is working his 12-step program (4 months now) and wants me to "Let go and let God" which I am happy to do once I KNOW she's okay.

 

[Hound dog]

Ruth

That is typical abuser behavior. Isolate the partner from family. I'd do whatever you can think of to not let him do that. (it's hard I know because you walk a fine line) If you can afford the PI, go for it. At least you'll know where she is and that she is ok even if she continues not to respond. In addition to texting ect I'd use snail mail to try to reach her. Maybe certified as she has to sign for it so may have more opportunity to actually open and read it.

Otherwise, sadly, you do have to Let go and Let God cuz there is nothing much else you can do until she is ready to dump him and resume her normal life. I'd say send her domestic violence literature, but you don't know if he's intercepting her mail and that could backfire on you.

I'll be praying for her.

Hugs

 

[DDD]

Welcome. Glad you found us. Sorry you needed to seek us out. I think your concerns are valid and am so glad that you have the resources to check up on her safety. Before realizing that option existed I was going to suggest calling her at work...just to hear her voice and say "I love you.". Fingers crossed that you get a report asap and that it is good news. Hugs. DDD

 

[toughlovin]

Oh hugs... this sounds like a really tough situation and one I would be worried about. Many red flags that he is abusive. You are doing the best thing you can do by letting her know you love her and are there for her... he will try to isolate her (and for the moment seems to be succeeding) and she just needs to continue to know you are there for her when she is ready for support and help.

Midwest suggested calling the local cops to do a well being check on her. I think this is a good idea and something that people do all the time. I think it might have a two fold effect, one is if they go and she is fine then you wll know that she is ok. It also kind of puts him on notice that you are paying attention and want to know that she is ok... I don't think him being aware of your concern would be a bad thing. He may then at least let her call you once in a while to reassure you. I don't know how she would feel about it.... but it may also let her know you are worried and care about her... and we don't know how difficult he is making it for her to contact you. If you let the police know you are concerned about the relationship they may suggest to her domestic violence resources.

TL

 

[Fran]

I had an experience with a much loved younger sister. She got attached to a man (not that much older) but more accomplished. No physical abuse but very controlling. She couldn't talk to me on the phone without him standing nearby to listen. She was vulnerable to his direction and opinions. I think he drank but not falling down drunk type. She really got distant from us and was closed to my pleas.
I sent articles about controlling men and dysfunctional relationships. Wrote letters and made sure I got her to let us know she was safe. It was frustrating to realize that until she made the move that I could do nothing. I was close to going to where she was and dragging her out for an intervention but I knew that until her brain disengaged from his control that I couldn't do much of anything.
She did wake up and I always left the door open, so she returned to her normal life. I know how scary it is to not know this person and for him to have this sort of control. If she would introduce him and sit down for a meal so that you can assess if she is in danger. In the end, there is little you can do but to continue to try to contact her. If you know where she lives, I would probably go to visit just to make sure she is in good health and has the choice to separate from this person or to stay with him. Hugs. Very worrisome.

 

[RuthShadburne]

Thank you all for your support. We returned home on Tuesday, and unfortunately neither heard from nor saw YD. I am in the process of locating a PI in her area to check up on her. I have called, texted and emailed, no response. Makes me extremely sad. I have a great hubby and 2 other daughters, and great friends. I am hopeful. I recognize the pattern of abuse she is in, and I hope that she will recognize it soon, too. I will keep everyone posted.