13 year old granddaughter keeps stealing my credit cards and lying about using them

Jenna0823

Active Member
My 13 year old granddaughter has taken my debit or credit card and using it for ITunes online. She has done it three times in a year. The last time she did it I took her to the police to let them tell her what happens when you steal like that. She charged $639 over 29 transactions. This time it was $339 over 19 transactions. She lives with my addict daughter who just got custody of her back two years ago. Her father died two years ago of a drug overdose. My daughter has never been there for her and she abandoned her 7 year old son so there is major dysfunction. If you read my previous posts you will see the history. My daughter is toxic. I love my granddaughter but don’t know what to do. I thought this time she would feel guilty and tell me she did it but nothing from her except her reply to me that she didn’t do it and that I shouldn’t bother her with this ‘bull poop’ and ruin her fun last night. CPS is investigating my daughter but my granddaughter lies and tells them all is ok there but then tells me she is scared of my daughter and wants out. Any advice ?
 

Nandina

Member
How is she getting your card? If she is getting it from your purse or somewhere she has access to, can you hide it from her? And I would believe what she is telling you about her mother. Deep down she is probably afraid of her mom being taken away, but if she is lying to CPS, I think I would contact them and tell them the truth.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
I know my daughter is abusive and toxic for sure. And my granddaughter is very scared of her. But I feel so hurt my granddaughter would steal from me and lie to me. I assume she went in my purse last time I saw her. Shouldn’t she have consequences? CPS has required my daughter to have drug tests as well as take my granddaughter to counseling but has yet to comply. How should I handle my granddaughter?
 

Nandina

Member
Yes, I definitely believe she should have consequences for lying and stealing but that should be something taken away that maybe she has a privilege of doing while at your house or with you. Since she doesn’t live with you it’s a little more difficult to give a consequence. Does she have a cell phone or computer privileges at your house? You could take one away from her for a period of time. Or if she listens to Itunes at your house, maybe don’t allow that for awhile since she stole from you to get them.

And I hope she does get the counseling she needs.
 

Nandina

Member
Hi Jenna,
After thinking it over about a consequence, if it was my kid, I think I would find a way to take the stolen iTunes off the phone. They were purchased with stolen money and your granddaughter really has no right to them. Of course, if you did that, she would probably be very mad at you and perhaps make life difficult, but sometimes it’s necessary to take that heat when teaching children a lesson. Maybe she can earn the money to pay for some of them by doing small jobs for you. This will teach her that you must earn your money and you don’t take things that you can’t pay for by stealing someone else’s money.

Best of luck teaching her a lesson!
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
I could try that. I was hoping she would feel guilty and admit she did it. Nothing from her. We are very close and always have been. This is the third time she did this.
 

RN0441

100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Hi Nandina

Your granddaughter is very young and has no control over her surroundings/life right now.

You can be a major influence in her life. Can you sit down and just talk to her about stealing and how it is so very wrong and that it is important to be a good person in spite of how she is being raised? Let her know that her mother's behaviors don't DEFINE her and she is NOT responsible for her mother.

What about taking her to church with you on Sunday and then maybe a breakfast or lunch afterwards as a kind of reward?

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home as well and looking back I think it would have helped me tremendously to have a lifeline.

Good luck.
 

Crayola13

Well-Known Member
I think she has seen how her parents act out and is angry at them. I agree some kind of reward system with discipline could help.
 

AppleCori

Well-Known Member
Wow, credit card theft is a serious crime for a thirteen year old!

And the fact that she has no guilt for either the crime or the betrayal of her grandmother is pretty shocking.

If there were some type of charity work that she could do safely (considering COVID precautions) this would be my first choice to get her involved in, along with you. My daughter and I are going to be working with a group on human trafficking/modern-day slavery. It’s always good to get teens involved in things that are bigger than themselves and are for the betterment of others, so that they learn that the world doesn’t revolve around themselves and their own desires. It might help her to realize that, no matter your own circumstances, you aren’t allowed to hurt other people.

What does she do outside of school? Does she have any hobbies, sports, scouts, arts, dance, groups, clubs, band, etc. that she pursues? She really needs to be involved with positive, wholesome activities that will enrich her life and give her a purpose outside of i-tunes.

I would make her work to pay me back by doing chores around the house. There is plenty of yard work to be done at this time of the year, or maybe painting the walls, cleaning the basement, etc. The most important thing is that she not profit from her crime. You don’t want to give the impression that this wasn’t serious or that she doesn’t have to pay the consequences, or she will see no reason to stop doing these things. She stole almost $1000 from you. That is serious and the consequences must be serious or she will never learn. You don’t want her to do these things to someone else and end up in jail at some point.

This is the moment to try to get her turned around to a better way of life.

Let us know how it goes.

Apple
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Wow, credit card theft is a serious crime for a thirteen year old!

And the fact that she has no guilt for either the crime or the betrayal of her grandmother is pretty shocking.

If there were some type of charity work that she could do safely (considering COVID precautions) this would be my first choice to get her involved in, along with you. My daughter and I are going to be working with a group on human trafficking/modern-day slavery. It’s always good to get teens involved in things that are bigger than themselves and are for the betterment of others, so that they learn that the world doesn’t revolve around themselves and their own desires. It might help her to realize that, no matter your own circumstances, you aren’t allowed to hurt other people.

What does she do outside of school? Does she have any hobbies, sports, scouts, arts, dance, groups, clubs, band, etc. that she pursues? She really needs to be involved with positive, wholesome activities that will enrich her life and give her a purpose outside of i-tunes.

I would make her work to pay me back by doing chores around the house. There is plenty of yard work to be done at this time of the year, or maybe painting the walls, cleaning the basement, etc. The most important thing is that she not profit from her crime. You don’t want to give the impression that this wasn’t serious or that she doesn’t have to pay the consequences, or she will see no reason to stop doing these things. She stole almost $1000 from you. That is serious and the consequences must be serious or she will never learn. You don’t want her to do these things to someone else and end up in jail at some point.

This is the moment to try to get her turned around to a better way of life.

Let us know how it goes.

Apple
She plays ice hockey in the fall. She has ignored my texts and calls for the past week now. It’s breaking my heart. I have talked to her many times about god and love and stuff. She always said she wishes I was her mom but when CPS asked her about her home life with my narcissistic daughter she lies to them. She lives 8 hours away now so it’s harder to be there every day but she knows I always am. I am like a helicopter grandmom. Today my phone rang from her but only once and it hung up. Not sure what happened but I thought she would feel bad for how she has treated me.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Hi Nandina

Your granddaughter is very young and has no control over her surroundings/life right now.

You can be a major influence in her life. Can you sit down and just talk to her about stealing and how it is so very wrong and that it is important to be a good person in spite of how she is being raised? Let her know that her mother's behaviors don't DEFINE her and she is NOT responsible for her mother.

What about taking her to church with you on Sunday and then maybe a breakfast or lunch afterwards as a kind of reward?

I grew up in a very dysfunctional home as well and looking back I think it would have helped me tremendously to have a lifeline.

Good luck.
I have always been there for her but now she is ignoring me or maybe my daughter has forbid her to contact me like she did in 2018. My narcissistic daughter is a drug addict and is vindictive
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I could try that. I was hoping she would feel guilty and admit she did it. Nothing from her. We are very close and always have been. This is the third time she did this.
Dear Jenna

Gosh. I feel your pain about your granddaughter ignoring you. The thing is, this girl is over her head. She can't handle the conflicting loyalties to which she is exposed. No child this age, could. This is the time when you need to be extraordinarily kind to yourself. This is the kind of trial, when faith can help you through. Knowing in your heart that this child loves you and need you, whether or not you have access or not. Whether she can see her way to reach out, or not.

She is a child who has suffered and is suffering. So many of her feelings are compartmentalized, I believe, and she doesn't have consistent access to them. Likely she won't for a long time. This is consistent with her age. I think your sense that she have the same moral development as do you is not realistic. Her moral development is limited by her cognitive development. That is, her brain is not sufficiently developed to support her thinking as do you about her behavior or circumstances. She is a child afterall.

You serve her best by setting very, very firm limits, with direct and appropriate consequences. She should never again have access to your cards. Even if that means your hiding them in your car, when you are near her. And I agree with Nandina about trying to deny her access to that which she has purchased illegally.

I think this child is troubled and she needs help to deal with the circumstances of her life which is sad. While you cannot control whether or not she receives therapy, maybe you can help her access activities that involve caring and responsible adults, such as at a church or synagogue or the like, or hobbies such as dance, non-aggressive sports, camp, or art or drama, all of which could be outlets for her, to support her as she matures.

I know it is hard, but I would try to focus upon her develdopment and her needs as opposed to what she does wrong. What she has done wrong involving your cards, you have some responsibility for, for repeatedly creating conditions where she could do this, after you knew she would and could. I am not judging you. I am responsible in the same way with my own son. But you are on notice. The responsibility is yours.

Your plate is full. I am so sorry. You've always been there for this child, and have loved her and tried to protect her like nobody else in the world. Trust that. Believe that your love for her will carry her through. And just as important, that your love will carry you through.
 
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Jenna0823

Active Member
Dear Jenna

Gosh. I feel your pain about your granddaughter ignoring you. The thing is, this girl is over her head. She can't handle the conflicting loyalties to which she is exposed. No child this age, could. This is the time when you need to be extraordinarily kind to yourself. This is the kind of trial, when faith can help you through. Knowing in your heart that this child loves you and need you, whether or not you have access or not. Whether she can see her way to reach or, or not.

She is a child who has suffered and is suffering. So many of her feelings are compartmentalized, I believe, and she doesn't have consistent access to them. Likely she won't for a long time. This is consistent with her age. I think your sense that she have the same moral development as do you is not realistic. Her moral development is limited by her cognitive development. That is, her brain is not sufficiently developed to support her thinking as do you about her behavior or circumstances. She is a child afterall.

You serve her best by setting very, very firm limits, with direct and appropriate consequences. She should never again have access to your cards. Even if that means your hiding them in your car, when you are near her. And I agree with Nandina about trying to deny her access to that which she has purchased illegally.

I think this child is troubled and she needs help to deal with the circumstances of her life which is sad. While you cannot control whether or not she receives therapy, maybe you can help her access activities that involve caring and responsible adults, such as at a church or synagogue or the like, or hobbies such as dance, non-aggressive sports, camp, or art or drama, all of which could be outlets for her, to support her as she matures.

I know it is hard, but I would try to focus upon her develdopment and her needs as opposed to what she does wrong. What she has done wrong involving your cards, you have some responsibility for, for repeatedly creating conditions where she could do this, after you knew she would and could. I am not judging you. I am responsible in the same way with my own son. But you are on notice. The responsibility is yours.

Your plate is full. I am so sorry. You've always been there for this child, and have loved her and tried to protect her like nobody else in the world. Trust that. Believe that your love for her will carry her through. And just as important, that your love will carry you through.
Thanks so much for your reply. My heart is breaking here. I live 8 hours away so it’s hard to be involved in her daily activity. She does play ice hockey on an all boys team and she is very aggressive. In fact last month when I saw her she hit my a few times really hard on the behind and I told her it really hurt and showed her the red mark so she hit me there again and laughed. She plays very rough in hockey and we play together some sports stuff. Until two years ago I lived with her or within minutes of her. My daughter said she was moving here when I did but that was a lie because she wanted $4000 to move here then didn’t and kept my money. I fly up to see her once a month until this pandemic started. Last month she came to visit a few days with my nephew. We had a blast. My daughter lets her stay up until 4am and sleep all day. No rules. I believe my daughter is drinking and doing meth. My granddaughter has seen signs of both there lately but she lies to CPS because she says she is afraid of my daughter. My daughter has refused court ordered drug tests five times in CPS court and they have done nothing. Now counseling is ordered but may not be enforced. I love my granddaughter so much. My daughter has a 7 year old son she abandoned with the father 3 years ago. She also has a 17 month old daughter with her that she screams “shut the f&&&” up at when she gets mad because the baby cries constantly. It’s horrible being on FaceTime with the 13 year old and the baby always is crying. The 13 year old doesn’t like the baby either. I feel so helpless and CPS is useless. Not sure how to calm my nerves and have faith god has this.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
I am very very sorry about all of this. I am wondering if the baby is withdrawing from or damaged by her mother's drug use when she was in utero. No baby always cries.

Have you thought of trying for custody?

Blessings and hugs.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
I am very very sorry about all of this. I am wondering if the baby is withdrawing from or damaged by her mother's drug use when she was in utero. No baby always cries.

Have you thought of trying for custody?

Blessings and hugs.
Yes we petitioned the court thru CPS and many calls to them by my sister and myself and the babies paternal great grandma. They just aren’t doing anything. They aren’t in the field as much because of the pandemic. The baby cries so much. Then my daughter screams and curses at her. And my 13 year old granddaughter tells the baby to get out of her room and yells at her. The babies dad is in jail for the third time because my daughter had him falsely arrested. She made my granddaughter lie and tell police he punched her. No marks on her though.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
Is there any potential to negotiate with your daughter? Clearly she does not want to be a mother. I recognize the incentive for her is likely to be welfare payments, and this would be very, very sad, for these kids who need parenting. Are there funds to get a family law attorney? If these children are in danger I know they will be pulled, sooner or later. Perhaps you can ask around who is a good family law attorney who will tell you what to document, what to do, how to prepare and how to frame all of this. Sooner or later this will all crash to the ground, and I would guess sooner. Sadly, your daughter may go to jail, find another man who doesn't want kids, or whatever, this does not sound like a sustainable situation, and horrible for these children. There are mothers here who say to call CPS every single time, these children may be in danger, neglected or abused. I can't speak to that. But I do believe that you will be served, and the children too, by making a plan. I like what Busy wrote. Commiting to yourself what you want to do and will do, and working towards it. Perhaps even jointly with others, such as your sister and the baby's paternal grandma.

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. Coronavirus is making so much so, so hard.



S
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
Is there any potential to negotiate with your daughter? Clearly she does not want to be a mother. I recognize the incentive for her is likely to be welfare payments, and this would be very, very sad, for these kids who need parenting. Are there funds to get a family law attorney? If these children are in danger I know they will be pulled, sooner or later. Perhaps you can ask around who is a good family law attorney who will tell you what to document, what to do, how to prepare and how to frame all of this. Sooner or later this will all crash to the ground, and I would guess sooner. Sadly, your daughter may go to jail, find another man who doesn't want kids, or whatever, this does not sound like a sustainable situation, and horrible for these children. There are mothers here who say to call CPS every single time, these children may be in danger, neglected or abused. I can't speak to that. But I do believe that you will be served, and the children too, by making a plan. I like what Busy wrote. Commiting to yourself what you want to do and will do, and working towards it. Perhaps even jointly with others, such as your sister and the baby's paternal grandma.

I am so, so sorry you are dealing with this. Coronavirus is making so much so, so hard.



S
We three have called CPS a dozen times. It’s crazy. My daughter was ordered to get drug tested and hasn’t. The judge was aggravated but nothing done about it. Last week the baby fell while rough housing with my 13 year old granddaughter and hit her head. Then she started vomiting. Nothing was done. No doctors or hospital so the paternal great grandmother called the police after I told her what happened. They went over then left. I know my daughter was drinking because I could tell by her voice. She has disowned me so doesn’t talk directly to me when I am on with my granddaughter but she listens in on our conversations. It feels like a tough battle. She gets $1000 a month for the 13 year old because her dad overdosed and died 2 years ago. Another issue my granddaughter needs counseling for. When I am with my granddaughter we have a great time. She tells me tons of stuff. Now after stealing again I haven’t heard from her and no response to my calls or messages
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
paternal great grandmother called the police after I told her what happened.
While it is terrible they took no action, there will be a police report of the visit and the complaint. This builds a paper trail. What you want is a paper trail. If you haven't started already start a diary of everything. Time, date, what happened, who was there, behaviors of children, behaviors of daughter, suspicions, etc. Anything and everything you can think of.

I recognize and understand how hard you feel that your granddaughter isn't responding following the stealing. Nonetheless, you did the exactly right thing, I believe.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
While it is terrible they took no action, there will be a police report of the visit and the complaint. This builds a paper trail. What you want is a paper trail. If you haven't started already start a diary of everything. Time, date, what happened, who was there, behaviors of children, behaviors of daughter, suspicions, etc. Anything and everything you can think of.

I recognize and understand how hard you feel that your granddaughter isn't responding following the stealing. Nonetheless, you did the exactly right thing, I believe.
I tried calling and messaged my granddaughter today no response. It’s hard to believe that she doesn’t feel awful not talking to me. She knows how much I love her and how devastated I was a year ago when her mother kept her from me for 10 months. My daughter was mad I wouldn’t buy her another car. And I stopped enabling her. I am so codependent too. This is awful. Maybe I love my granddaughter more than she is capable of loving me. I thought we were so close. Just a month ago she said she wished I was her mom.
 

Jenna0823

Active Member
I am very very sorry about all of this. I am wondering if the baby is withdrawing from or damaged by her mother's drug use when she was in utero. No baby always cries.

Have you thought of trying for custody?

Blessings and hugs.
Not sure why she cries but my daughter screams at her one minute then is nice the other. The baby must be confused and not know what to this. Cries all the time.
 
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