13 year old granddaughter keeps stealing my credit cards and lying about using them

[Copabanana]

Maybe I love my granddaughter more than she is capable of loving me.

That is not true. It's just that your granddaughter is a child. Children's brains mature as they grow up. It's not that she loves you less or more. It's a different kind of need.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. But it's something all of us have to face. I have to too. Our relationships with our children and grandchildren can't be based on our own needs, but must be based largely in theirs. Your emotional needs, and my own are our responsibility to deal with; it's not the job of my son to take care of me, or to meet my needs.

The best thing you can do now is to learn to center yourself, and to try to find ways to live that are not based in whether or not your granddaughter calls you.

Just a month ago she said she wished I was her mom.

I am sure she wishes this. But you're not. You don't have legal or any other control. Over the mom or over the child. That's the reality. There is the need for you to find a way to be whole in yourself. And as I said in an earlier post, to decide what you want to do, with respect to gaining custody, or not, and begin to prepare for this.

my daughter screams at her one minute then is nice the other.

This is terrible. This kind of relationship between mother and infant can likely end up to attachment issues for this baby. How very sad.

 

[Jenna0823]

That is not true. It's just that your granddaughter is a child. Children's brains mature as they grow up. It's not that she loves you less or more. It's a different kind of need.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. But it's something all of us have to face. I have to too. Our relationships with our children and grandchildren can't be based on our own needs, but most be based largely in theirs. Your emotional needs, and my own are our responsibility to deal with; it's not the job of your granddaughter or my son to take care of me, or to meet my needs.

The best thing you can do now is to learn to center yourself, and to try to find ways to live that are not based in whether or not your granddaughter calls you.
I am sure she wishes this. But you're not. You don't have legal or any other control. Over the mom or over the child. That's the reality. There is the need for you to find a way to be whole in yourself. And as I said in an earlier post, to decide what you want to do, with respect to gaining custody, or not, and begin to prepare for this.
This is terrible. This kind of relationship between mother and infant can likely end up to attachment issues for this baby. How very sad.

Exactly. That’s why I am so distraught.

 

[Jenna0823]

That is not true. It's just that your granddaughter is a child. Children's brains mature as they grow up. It's not that she loves you less or more. It's a different kind of need.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh. But it's something all of us have to face. I have to too. Our relationships with our children and grandchildren can't be based on our own needs, but most be based largely in theirs. Your emotional needs, and my own are our responsibility to deal with; it's not the job of your granddaughter or my son to take care of me, or to meet my needs.

The best thing you can do now is to learn to center yourself, and to try to find ways to live that are not based in whether or not your granddaughter calls you.
I am sure she wishes this. But you're not. You don't have legal or any other control. Over the mom or over the child. That's the reality. There is the need for you to find a way to be whole in yourself. And as I said in an earlier post, to decide what you want to do, with respect to gaining custody, or not, and begin to prepare for this.
This is terrible. This kind of relationship between mother and infant can likely end up to attachment issues for this baby. How very sad.

 

[Jenna0823]

I tried several times over the past 10 days to contact her. No response. I wish I knew if it were my daughter keeping her from me or my granddaughter doing this. I can’t believe my granddaughter would be so cruel to me. Why I continue to contact her just to be rejected. We used to talk everyday. I would call but she would call when she wanted to manipulate me into buying her something. Maybe she just used me like my daughter did for all those years. Maybe god is saving me from more chaos and drama.

 

[BusynMember1]

I am so sorry for your pain. I feel your daughter is behind this. Your granddaughter is under her control

I know this may not help but in my opinion you should go on with your life and be good to yourself. There is nothing else you can do. Worrying or being sad won't help.

Sending prayers and hugs.

 

[Jenna0823]

I am so sorry for your pain. I feel your daughter is behind this. Your granddaughter is under her control

I know this may not help but in my opinion you should go on with your life and be good to yourself. There is nothing else you can do. Worrying or being sad won't help.

Sending prayers and hugs.

My granddaughter knows how much it hurts me. She could call or text when my daughter goes to the store

 

[AppleCori]

You are probably right, Jenna.

She could figure out a way to call if she wanted to.

She seems to be doing the classic difficult child disappearing act, until she judges that you have forgotten all about what she did, or at least that you will be so glad to finally hear from her that you will not bring it up again.

It sounds like your granddaughter doesn’t have a lot of rules and gets away with a lot of things because of her mom’s improper parenting. In one way, she knows it isn’t right, but in another way, she enjoys the freedom it gives her.

If you feel that she manipulates you into buying her things, you should probably stop this behavior. It’s not good to let a child develop that trait, or it could become a lifetime coping mechanism. Her mom seems to do this.

I feel sick reading about your poor 17 month old granddaughter, Jenna. I’m really sorry to hear that your daughter is not taking proper care of her, and your older granddaughter doesn’t even like her. It’s so sad! Maybe the father can eventually get at least a 50/50 custody agreement, or at least can become more involved.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Jenna0823]

You are probably right, Jenna.

She could figure out a way to call if she wanted to.

She seems to be doing the classic difficult child disappearing act, until she judges that you have forgotten all about what she did, or at least that you will be so glad to finally hear from her that you will not bring it up again.

It sounds like your granddaughter doesn’t have a lot of rules and gets away with a lot of things because of her mom’s improper parenting. In one way, she knows it isn’t right, but in another way, she enjoys the freedom it gives her.

If you feel that she manipulates you into buying her things, you should probably stop this behavior. It’s not good to let a child develop that trait, or it could become a lifetime coping mechanism. Her mom seems to do this.

I feel sick reading about your poor 17 month old granddaughter, Jenna. I’m really sorry to hear that your daughter is not taking proper care of her, and your older granddaughter doesn’t even like her. It’s so sad! Maybe the father can eventually get at least a 50/50 custody agreement, or at least can become more involved.

Take care of yourself.

Her mother has no rules. She stays up until 3 or 4am night after night and was doing school online due to virus. Slept half the day. My daughter I admit I enabled and spoiled due to her being highly manipulative. Now my granddaughter does the same. My daughter only has had custody back of her for 2 years. Her 7 year old son lives with his father. She has nothing to do with him. Then the baby (all different dads) will be worse off living with my daughter from birth. My granddaughter saw that I messaged and called her. I even liked and commented nicely on a tic tok video and she liked the other comments not mine. Two years ago my daughter kept her from me because I stopped the mom gravy train and when I finally got to see my granddaughter I told her how much I missed her and she said her mom wouldn’t let her talk to me. She seemed sad. She promised not to let it happen again. Well here we are with her ripping my heart out and doing it on purpose. I can’t believe she doesn’t miss me and our daily phone calls. I am so sad.

 

[Copabanana]

I am so sad.

Dear Jenna

I feel so very bad for you. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help you feel some peace. Your suffering will not help this situation.

 

[Jenna0823]

Dear Jenna

I feel so very bad for you. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help you feel some peace. Your suffering will not help this situation.

Thanks so much. It’s very painful considering what I thought we had. But she is living in a toxic home and not much right now other than hope CPS does their job.

 

[RN0441]

Jenna

I too am so sorry that you feel sad. Do things that try to take your mind off it.

Walk, have a glass of wine, listen to music, find a good movie, etc.

It's hard but I find when I'm troubled I have to switch my focus to get through it.

Do you work or have friends that you can talk to? Do you live alone?

Hugs that you find a way to self sooth.

 

[Jenna0823]

Jenna

I too am so sorry that you feel sad. Do things that try to take your mind off it.

Walk, have a glass of wine, listen to music, find a good movie, etc.

It's hard but I find when I'm troubled I have to switch my focus to get through it.

Do you work or have friends that you can talk to? Do you live alone?

Hugs that you find a way to self sooth.

Thanks so much. Yes my friends are very supportive. Junk food helps too.

 

[MamaRosie]

This has to be so difficult for you. My children are younger. I don't know how I could deal with what you are feeling. Your in an impossible situation.

I admire your strength.

 

[Jenna0823]

This has to be so difficult for you. My children are younger. I don't know how I could deal with what you are feeling. Your in an impossible situation.

I admire your strength.

Thanks so much. Still nothing at all from my granddaughter. I tried reaching out last week many times but no response

 

[Marcie Mac]

Its been a while since I have been down that road with charges/withdrawals to my credit/debit cards but can advise you have your cards cancelled/reissued and don't keep your cards where she can find them. That goes for your car keys and house keys. Change your password to your phone/computer/laptops and do NOT have the program where your name and password is entered automatically.

When my youngest was doing his sticky fingers problem. I made a big mistake of talking to him the first few times, making him do chores, etc. when I should have nailed him for the theft the first time around. Then when I did call the police, they didn't do anything the first few times and gave him a talking to. Then they came down like a ton of bricks.

I know its hard to just disengage but at this point, you need to take care of yourself. Next time she steals from you, call the authorities. There is nothing like a probation officer where you can drop a word or two in her ear about whats going on in her house.

MM

 

[Jenna0823]

Its been a while since I have been down that road with charges/withdrawals to my credit/debit cards but can advise you have your cards cancelled/reissued and don't keep your cards where she can find them. That goes for your car keys and house keys. Change your password to your phone/computer/laptops and do NOT have the program where your name and password is entered automatically.

When my youngest was doing his sticky fingers problem. I made a big mistake of talking to him the first few times, making him do chores, etc. when I should have nailed him for the theft the first time around. Then when I did call the police, they didn't do anything the first few times and gave him a talking to. Then they came down like a ton of bricks.

I know its hard to just disengage but at this point, you need to take care of yourself. Next time she steals from you, call the authorities. There is nothing like a probation officer where you can drop a word or two in her ear about whats going on in her house.

MM

Thanks for your reply. Her mother (my daughter) has been a liar and their since age 13. Now my granddaughter at the same age. It’s been three weeks and she has ignored me in all ways I have tried to contact her. Really feeling hurt she did this again after all I have done for her and been there with her through.

 

[Jenna0823]

Dear Jenna

I feel so very bad for you. I wish there was something I could say or do that would help you feel some peace. Your suffering will not help this situation.

My granddaughter is flying down to my sisters in three weeks with my nepheW. She will be staying there for 4 or 5 weeks. She usually comes to see me a few of those weeks. I have not heard anything from her since the stealing and lying incident. I have tried calling and texting and social media in many ways. No response. Not sure what to say to her when we see her ? How do I act ? I don’t want to lose her but I don’t want her to continue bad behavior and be like my daughter. Any advice ?

 

[Copabanana]

I would speak from my heart. I think what you've written is heartfelt. Sometimes I love you and I don't know what to do are the truest things to say.

The reality is your granddaughter has put you into a box. You can't control how she understands what her situation is, but you can explain yours. You can't control how she reacts, responds or acts, but you can choose your own actions and words based upon integrity and love. If you can I would stay in the moment and not have a plan except to love her, listen to her, be there for her, while keeping your expectations minimal and your boundaries firm. There is no "punishment" you can do that will have a positive effect.

I think what would help is to try to work with yourself, which would be to accept that she loves you and not look for reassurance from her that she is unable or unwilling to give.

I

 

[Jenna0823]

I would speak from my heart. I think what you've written is heartfelt. Sometimes I love you and I don't know what to do are the truest things to say.

The reality is your granddaughter has put you into a box. You can't control how she understands what her situation is, but you can explain yours. You can't control how she reacts, responds or acts, but you can choose your own actions and words based upon integrity and love. If you can I would stay in the moment and not have a plan except to love her, listen to her, be there for her, while keeping your expectations minimal and your boundaries firm. There is no "punishment" you can do that will have a positive effect.

I think what would help is to try to work with yourself, which would be to accept that she loves you and not look for reassurance from her that she is unable or unwilling to give.

I

I don’t feel like she loves me. Aside from stealing from me and lying to me three times for hundreds of dollars each time , she has ignored all contact over three weeks. I have told her I love her in those messages but nothing from her. I am sure my narcissistic daughter loves this. My granddaughter has been thru so much trauma and drama from my daughter and her deceased father. I just wanted to save her from being like my daughter. She knows ignoring me hurts me. We had talked about that many times before when my daughter kept her from me for 10 months. She knows how much I missed her. I thought we had a great connection. I know recently my daughter has been buying her stuff because she gets that extra $600 from unemployment for the past few months. I can’t just let her treat me like this and act like it’s ok. I let my daughter abuse me in every way and she did abuse me for 20 years now.

 

[Copabanana]

I can’t just let her treat me like this and act like it’s ok. I let my daughter abuse me in every way and she did abuse me for 20 years now.

Dear Jenna Nobody likes to be abused. It's wrong on every level. You don't deserve it now and you didn't deserve it from your daughter for 20 years, or ever. You have a choice here. You can withdraw yourself from this toxic and abusive situation, if you choose. You are not legally responsible for the care of this ungrateful and troubled child. Or you can choose to keep fighting for her.

What won't work based upon my own experience is to believe you can control her, her reactions, her behaviors or her feelings. Unfortunately, your daughter has way more control and influence than do you. In my own experience children let alone grandchildren do not give us what we need emotionally, after they have started to act out and to be difficult.

If you choose to no longer allow yourself to be hurt by your granddaughter the only way I see this as possible is to remove yourself from the situation entirely and to nurse your feelings, so that you gradually feel better. With this there would in time be the recognition that you did all you were able to do. As long as you choose to be close to this child or her mother, given how things are unfolding, the likelihood is that there will be more of the same thing.

I am sorry you are suffering.