Dear Jenna Nobody likes to be abused. It's wrong on every level. You don't deserve it now and you didn't deserve it from your daughter for 20 years, or ever. You have a choice here. You can withdraw yourself from this toxic and abusive situation, if you choose. You are not legally responsible for the care of this ungrateful and troubled child. Or you can choose to keep fighting for her.
What won't work based upon my own experience is to believe you can control her, her reactions, her behaviors or her feelings. Unfortunately, your daughter has way more control and influence than do you. In my own experience children let alone grandchildren do not give us what we need emotionally, after they have started to act out and to be difficult.
If you choose to no longer allow yourself to be hurt by your granddaughter the only way I see this as possible is to remove yourself from the situation entirely and to nurse your feelings, so that you gradually feel better. With this there would in time be the recognition that you did all you were able to do. As long as you choose to be close to this child or her mother, given how things are unfolding, the likelihood is that there will be more of the same thing.
I am sorry you are suffering.
