17 yr old son, defiant and using

Lil

Well-Known Member
I really think you guys need space and some serious counseling. I know the lawyer in-laws are a bad idea, but what about the other set of grandparents? Could he stay with them? Maybe the juvenile court could put him on some kind of probation with family counseling and drug testing?

I really don't think there's much chance of you getting charged with anything. The police came. They took a photo of your jaw. They took him, not you. It's up to the state to press charges and it's pretty clear that they realize he's got issues from the other times you called the police. You were allowed to act in self defense.

I think you might want to seek some counseling for yourself, to get your own head around this.

You're in my prayers.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
RC,

I think you answered your own question. I think it would be folly to let difficult child come back home and rip the rest of the family apart. There is absolutely no guarantee that would help him and it is a huge risk for the rest of the kids..... and if he was violent again in the home it would not be good for the other kids (or the custody case).

Let the court know you love him (go to the court dates) but that he cannot come home because you have other kids to take care of. If there are family members that you feel are appropriate to take him in then have them come too.... and it is understandable if you dont want to put other family members in that situation (I would not have done that to my family) or if you dont think they are appropriate.

And of course you feel lost.... this is a losing situation. It is awful. So you need to take care of yourself and get some real life support. Counseling can help. A good parent support group (Such as alanon) can help. It is possible to get to a place where you feel more clear, less lost and have more acceptance. It does take time and lots of support.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Count me on board for counseling. You really can't do this yourself because we are too emotional about our own families and it does help to get a fresh, uninvolved perspective. I think everyone willing to go should go, certainly your wife. I am a little surprised you have not gone to counseling when this first started. It is not weak to ask for help (some men tend to think it is, heck, some women do too). This is a huge deal in your life and seeking outside counsel can set your head straight. It is so hard to think logically and not emotionally when things like this happen.

Sending warm regards.
 

dstc_99

Well-Known Member
Stay calm and be accurate. Don't give in to anything you don't like and if you are forced to make sure to voice your objections. Last but not least once you explain something move on judges don't like to hear the same thing over and over and over.

Then again I haven't ever been to court this is just the advice my judge friend gives everybody.
 

rc606

Member
So, we had the preliminary hearing. No judge, just the Court Designated Worker...who I liked quite a bit. She spoke to my wife and I first, and it was apparent from the beginning that this woman was not on board with defiant, rebellious, drug using, school failing, runaway children. I cried a bit and she yelled at me, lol. She said it's time for tough love and I fully agree.

She ate him up, he cried and acted angry and defiant as she explained that he was a child and under my control until he was 18. Also, that my ONLY obligation as his Father was to feed, clothe and house him and all the other luxuries that I provide him are just that, luxuries. She put him on a "diversion" program which includes daily counseling while he's at school during his elective period. There were also a plethora of other requirements and the ONLY penalty for non-compliance is juvenile detention center.

Every time I spoke and corrected him as he gave her incorrect answer to her questions, was met with anger and back talk. Finally she put a stop to him acting this way by saying, "it looks to me that you want to go the JDC, based on your lies and anger towards your Dad". After that, he just sat there....eyes glazed over and numb looking.

I honestly don't believe that difficult child will take this opportunity to turn things around, and sadly he'll be in the JDC. I don't give it two weeks, but having said that...I'm going to do everything I can to make this work for him because I love him. Thanks to all of you for your support and advice...it's been immeasurably helpful. Thanks so much

Best,

Rick
 

dstc_99

Well-Known Member
Well I am glad to hear you got a supportive case worker. Sad to hear they don't have any options other than JDC but maybe having it hanging over his head will help. Good luck all you can do is love him and pray it works.
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
Sorry it has come to this, but hope he can get the help he needs there. At least he will be supervised and not in the streets and you can get a bit of relief.

Warm, caring thoughts and crossing fingers, arms, toes.
 

Bertmery

Member
Thanks for this thread, I actually need this one right now. The thing is, my best friends's difficult child is struggling with addiction, Female, 19 years old and diagnosed with bipolar. She is violent, aggressive and listen to no rules. A real wild one actually. So I'm lucky to be part of this thread where I can ask some questions about this kind of situations against teen's behavior. Okay for my real problem now, I'm here asking some suggestions on what to do in a situation like this. Right now, I buried myself in front of my computer browsing the net for some information about recovery, treatment or something will cure one's addiction, I'm currently reading this Addiction Rehab Center Tucson AZ That has so much information about recovery. im needing a lot of this kind information at the moment. So, I am hoping you guys can help me out in my quest right now. Many thanks! Keep safe guys.
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
Welcome Bertmery. You have posted on an old thread so I'm not sure you will get many responses and you really should make a new thread for yourself. We are happy to help in any way but please understand that we do not endorse or comment on any recovery or treatment programs by name so we cannot comment on the program you are referring to. Having said that our members are happy to share their experiences with you and can private message you with any comments on specific tratment programs.
 

daveyblade13

New Member
Let me just start off by saying when I was his age, which isn't that long ago. I was smoking pot and experimenting with other drugs. I'm not a parent. I came across this on a random google search and I felt the need to say something and I only wish I had seen this earlier before it had to come to this court situation and I wish my own mother knew about this site when I was going through my issues. I was your sons age not that long ago so I can relate to his situation and I can also relate to the way you feel. You're in a tough spot. You love your son and you want to do whatever you can and have to do to help him and I respect that a lot.

I can tell you with absolute certainty your son is a good kid. You got to be able to appreciate the good even when its muddled by the bad. You live for the day. Today might be a bad day but tomorrow's going to be better. Every day counts. You should be proud of your son. You raised a good person.

He's not old enough or mature enough to really process that this situation is only temporary and that the choice to make it different is his own. Consider that over the past two years and radically in the last couple months your sons entire world has fallen apart. First his mother passed away which is devastating and hard to process for an adult let alone a teenager. It's going to be years and years before he can really grieve for his mother. His grades have slipped and he's getting in trouble at school. His home life is in constant turmoil. He lost his girlfriend in the sense that he can't see her anymore. Everything he knows to be his reality has completely fallen apart. He feels alone. He's scared. He's grasping for any kind of control he feels he can have over his situation (e.i. back talking the CDW).

He's lost. He's a teenager. Teenagers are defiant. They live for you to tell you them what to do so they can not do it. In his mind you don't know what best for him and even if you do he will find it out on his own soon.

You divorced when he was young. It's nothing you did wrong or any fault of yours but divorce even an amicable divorce is confusing for a child and a lot of issues can stem from that.In his head and again I'm not saying this is the reality and I mean you no insult because I can tell you love your son and you did everything in your power to raise him and be there for him BUT in his head when you divorced you left him to be raised primarily by his mother and a stranger (his step-dad) and he only lives with you because his mother passed so who are you now to try to raise him and punish him when you weren't there for him before. It's going to take him a while even years to realize that this isn't true. He's just too young. He doesn't think he has any control right now.

He has issues. A lot of issues. Unless your parents divorced and your mother passed when you were fifteen you can't really know what it's like to be him or in his shoes. Thats not a justification for his actions more an explanation and it's why you can't relate to him and why the things you say don't get through to him. Work on building a relationship with your son. He doesn't think he has any control right now so when you tell him the things you think he needs to hear he doesn't hear what you're saying he only hears you trying to take his control away. Spend time together. Develop a rapport. Let him let you into his life, don't force it.

If you take anything from this it should be that drugs aren't the problem. He has a lot of issues and big problems he needs to work on and his drug use is a symptom of these bigger problems. He's self medicating. When takes drugs he's in control of his state. It's some of the very little control he feels he has. When you say he needs to follow your rules to live in your house and stop using drugs he's getting angry because what this stems from to him has nothing to do with drugs. Like "Why does he care that I'm drugs when he didn't care about x, y, and z?". When you say things like "If you mess up one more time you're gone" he's going to mess up again. He doesn't get it. You guys need aren't on the same page.

I wish you the best and I hope you can fix this. You love your son and it's going to better because of that. You would do anything for him. He'll understand that one day.
 

rc606

Member
Raising a dinosaur from the grave with this post, lol.

UPDATE:

My difficult child has "for the most part" followed the rules of the house and of his court designated worker. Until about a month ago, where I found evidence of pot use again. Homemade bongs, tin foil, lighters, eyedrops, etc.

Of course he says that he's not using, but will NOT submit to a drug test, which gives me the answer I already knew. Also, he skipped school and got high with a bunch of "friends". Well, the school kicked him out and remanded him to an alternative school that deals with kids like him. It's like a military school really.

I've continued trying to have him counseled during school hours, but he sits there with the therapist for awhile and then she tells me, "he just gets up and leaves".

He's missed several calls to his case worker, and has not turned in a few assignments that she'd given him to complete by specific dates. She's pretty much done with him and is going to recommend to the court that his judicial diversion be lifted and he go before the judge. I talked her out of doing this about two weeks ago, but after the last week I'm going to allow her to pull the trigger. Surely it will mean him going to a JDC, which he will never forgive me for. That being said, I'd rather him pissed at me forever and alive, than him continuing to spiral out of control and dead.

Tonight he tells me that "I'm ruining his life and that he wished I'd have died instead of his Mother". My reply...."me too son, your Mother was a wonderful woman and she loved you. BUT she would NOT approve of this type of behavior nor the choices you're making for yourself." I went on to say that I'm not ruining his life and explained that HIS CHOICES are ruining his life and he is experiencing discomfort due to the consequences of his choices.

He turns 18 in August and he's adamant that he will be leaving the shelter of dear of Dad's wing as soon as he finishes the school year in early June. Which of course I won't allow until he's 18. Hell, when he turns 18 I'm inclined to throw his crap in the yard and tell him to go, and let the world teach him these hard lessons. I'm obviously a moron that doesn't know anything.

I feel badly that I haven't posted here in awhile because I always liked talking about my difficult child with other parents that understand, so forgive me. I talk to my wife about this issue on a daily basis because she's living it with me. Even though she's my Difficult Child's step mom, she loves him and has loved him for the last 10 yrs. She has two kids of her own that live here with us, and my Difficult Child's drama is affecting them too. Which has my wife's attention, because if they were to go to their father's house for a visit and say that my Difficult Child is having drug issues, he'd move to have them removed from our home. I cannot allow that to happen, which is one reason I'll allow my Difficult Child's court designated worker to remand him to JDC. I love my step children just like they were my own...I've raised them since they were babies and don't want them to have any negative fallout because of my son's ongoing drama.

Also, my wife and I have a strong marriage and relationship and I'm noticing that Difficult Child's issues are causing conflict between us, can't allow that to happen either. I just can't help but feel that allowing him to be taken to JDC is the same as giving up on him, and I love him. However, he's refusing any and all counseling which he desperately needs. If for no other reason than dealing with the death of his Mother...nevermind our divorce many many years prior to her death.

So, am I giving up on my kid by allowing the state to remand my kid to JDC?
 

Nancy

Well-Known Member
rc, glad to see you were about to up your post. I'm sorry things are not going more smoothly with your son. You are not giving up on him, he is choosing this course by his actions. It may be that he will have to experience his independence at age 18 and make his own way. Many of our kids do come back to us once they mature and get thru those awful years of wanting to be away and deciding they gave up a lot of opportunities. You will always love him, make sure you tell him that as I'm sure you have. My daughter told me once that she knew I always supported her, she was just angry I wouldn't let her do what she wanted.
 

toughlovin

Well-Known Member
You are definitely not giving up on your son!!!. I have not been in exactly your shoes, but pretty close. We have been dealing with my sons drug (and behavior isssues) since he was 13. He is now 23. We did a lot to try and help him, got him into many programs - sometimes to avoid the punishment of the court. I think one thing I would do differently is to let the court be more involved sooner. Anyway we did kick our son out at age 18 because honestly letting him stay in the house, flagrantly violating any rules (minor ones at that) wasnt teaching him about life and was wrecking havoc on us and our younger daughter. It was a very tough time.

What I learned then and pass on to you now is you can still love him, you can let him know you love him, but once he is 18you dont have to let him continue to live in our house with total disrespect of you and your standards of living.

So when we kicked my son out I did text him often to let him know I loved him. At first I got no response but as soon as he got in trouble he called me, We have continued to show him support and love even through some jail time and some time on the streets. We never gave up on him, although we did stop protecting him from himself and let both jail and homelessness happen.

Now he is 23 and has been working in a job he likes since January. I cant say things are perfect and he is not sober, but he is doing better than he has in the past. And our relationship is much much better. Our tough line did not ruin our relationship and at this points he knows we love him, and he knows his own actions got him into the trouble he has been in.

You absolutely need to take care of your relationship with your wife, and also her children. One thing I got to, through all that we have been through is that I cannot let my son ruin my life. He may ruin his own, I have no control over that but I cant tet him ruin mine.

TL
 

rc606

Member
Thanks for the replies Nancy and TL, it makes me feel better about what I have to do. To add fuel to the fire....today I discovered a peeping hole from Difficult Child's bedroom into my 13yr old step daughter's bathroom!! I'm furious and disgusted at the same time! I haven't confronted Difficult Child yet and I'm afraid of what I might do when I try to talk to him about it. I know that if this were someone other than my child, great bodily harm would happen to them.

Now I'm afraid for my daughter and I'm heartbroken that it's my son's actions that make me scared. I'm going to discuss this with his court designated worker and his therapist tomorrow. I don't think either of them will be happy about this. I now know that Difficult Child cannot be here. My family is too important to me
 

BusynMember

Well-Known Member
13 is a minor. It's not normal to want to peep at your own sister, but being 13, it could even be worse. I think he needs out of placement now. JMO.
 
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