New Leaf, This is so well said. It is so true that I was dwelling on and putting more energy into trying to influence or "fix" my daughter's choices than she was. Again, for her "it's just another Tuesday". My reaction to her choices over the years were just eating me away. Do I still wish to possibly offer some assistance? Yes. Is that a good choice for ME? NO. Because my efforts will not change anything and I would just become the emotional punching bag for her. Her lifestyle and way of functioning is so polar opposite of how I live. So, this is why I slowly am learning to LetGo. I do not think prison is a bad option for my daughter. I think it will become a respite for her and unfortunately, I can see her reoffending. Anyway, I am sorry that I started talking about me, when you were responding to New Life. Iam glad you are going to therapy, New Life. You deserve to live YOUR life. Hugs, LetGo
18yo Son Update
- Thread starter New Life
- Start date
bluebell
Well-Known Member
New Leaf, my son was charged with a felony terroristic threatening charge, along with several assault and battery charges earlier this month also for attacking his father. My son is 27 and he has done this several times since he was a teenager but this is his first charge as an adult. I just want you to know you are not alone and if you need someone to talk to, I am here.
Bluebell, I am thinking of you.
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Bluebell
Thank you for your thoughts. I’m sorry you have had to deal with your son’s issues with violence. I have little to zero tolerance for that, don’t even watch movies with violence. My daughter is in jail for possession of a stolen moped (charged 2018) but entered drug court, then another court for women that attempts to get offenders through rehab and off the streets. We have been through some hellish roller coaster rides, but I honestly feel better when she is in jail!
I hope your son will get the help he needs.
Prayers going up.
New Leaf
Thank you for your thoughts. I’m sorry you have had to deal with your son’s issues with violence. I have little to zero tolerance for that, don’t even watch movies with violence. My daughter is in jail for possession of a stolen moped (charged 2018) but entered drug court, then another court for women that attempts to get offenders through rehab and off the streets. We have been through some hellish roller coaster rides, but I honestly feel better when she is in jail!
I hope your son will get the help he needs.
Prayers going up.
New Leaf
New Leaf
Well-Known Member
Hi Letgo,
Thank you for your kind words.
She’s had setbacks, and I do feel sad but am learning to let that go.
Have a peaceful weekend.
New Leaf
Thank you for your kind words.
I was the same way and have to be careful not to slip back to knee jerk reactions and dwell on what I have no control over. There was a time I went no contact with Tornado, it became toxic for me to engage and I just needed space from all the drama. Now I speak with her but set boundaries as far as anything that feels manipulative. I used to be so afraid when she was in one of her rehab stints that something I would say or do or not do would cause a relapse. Now, I just tell her I love her and that she is an adult and there are many resources she can avail herself of. Which, turns out to be true.
She’s had setbacks, and I do feel sad but am learning to let that go.
It’s hard to see our loved ones making terrible choices. We didn’t raise them to struggle so. Detaching is many things. Not a linear process, that’s for sure. What helps me is to focus on detaching from behaviors and outcomes so that I don’t feel the consequences more than my daughters do.
One never knows what could motivate someone to pivot. Tornado could have served her sentence by now, but keeps violating her parole. That’s actually a Godsend. Each time she goes through rehab, is a chance for her to find her potential. I pray for that and am cautiously optimistic, but have to be careful with my heart.
No worries. (Sorry New Life). I often go off on side notes. I think we all do. Main thing is we are able to support one another with kindness.
Have a peaceful weekend.
New Leaf
Thank you, New Leaf. Good words to hear about not reacting to her choice of behaviors or outcomes. I cannot imagine, day to day, what life is like right now for my daughter. I have to take a deep breath and set it aside. And move on with my own life. LetGo
I totally get how hard this is. It’s brutal trying to balance being a supportive mom while also taking care of yourself. It’s okay to feel guilty, but remember that setting boundaries is sometimes necessary for your own well-being. I’ve had to deal with similar stuff, and it’s tough seeing your kids make choices that lead to such rough situations. It’s okay to take a step back when it’s affecting you so deeply. Maybe finding a support group or talking to someone who’s been through this can help you cope.
You may have mentioned this previously, but I just re-read your profile information and noticed that your daughter is adopted. May I ask how old she was when you brought her home? Our son was 4 months old. Young enough that it never occurred to me that he might still be affected by trauma. I was reading an article the other day about adopted kids, and the article said that regardless of when a child is adopted, even within hours after birth, there is still intrinsic trauma just from being separated from the biological mom with whom the baby has only known. Adopted kids have a higher incidence of mental illness than biological kids. I wish I had known these things years ago. I might have spotted the signs much earlier, or avoided it altogether by not adopting.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Beta
I have been thinking and thinking about your post. You know my son is adopted, too. I have been thinking about regret.
Of course, I regret all of the suffering I've had these many years. Of course, I regret that my son is homeless and manipulative and can't function in a way that is normal or sufficient. Of course, I regret his suffering.
But, do I regret adopting him? Do I regret the many years of loving happiness we had? No.
My life, would not have been my life, had I not adopted my son. Also, I don't rule out that my son still has a chance to change the course of his life. Had he not had the formative years with a loving parent, would he have had that possibility? I don't think so.
I knew my son had struggles and problems when I brought him home. My error was to believe my love could combat them. That was a fantasy.
I don't know if I am lying to myself. Who would not have wanted to have effort, hope, and love result in happiness and pride? That still does not change what I feel. I don't regret my life. We did our very best. Life does not guarantee a result. Life does not always reward effort. But I believe intention and goodness are rewarded and they are their own reward.
Hi Beta, My daughter was 5 years old when we adopted her. She had gone through much trauma in her early life. Despite the abuse, neglect and trauma, she still wanted to be with her birth mother. She always felt she was missing her and honestly, had such a romanticized view of her birth mother. My daughter has a plethora of diagnosis, one of which is Reactive Attachment Disorder. Hugs, Beta.
Thank you for sharing that. Five years is a long time in a child's life. I think many personality traits are set in place by then, especially in the midst of trauma. I'm sorry for what you are going through. As an adoptive parent, I didn't realize how traumatizing it is for a child to be separated from their birth mother, even as infants, and I just thought that as long as you provided lots of love, affection, and nurturing, everything would be fine. Apparently, that is not often the case. Now when I meet couples who have an adopted child, I wonder what they have ahead in their future. Will it be what many adoptive parents are experiencing with dysfunction and substance abuse?
Hey Copa,
Sorry it has taken me so long to get back to you. For several days, I was not able to get on the website. I kept being directed to some weird page that implied there was something not working. Anyway, here I am.
As usual, you have such good insights. I like what you said about how your son had possibilities because he spent his formative years in a loving home, possibilities that he most likely would not have had otherwise. That is a comforting thought to me, and I agree with that. Left to their original biological parents, I don't think either of our sons would have had what it takes to have a stable, happy life. It means a lot to me to think that we gave Josh a foundation with which to build a stable, happy life. It makes it worthwhile, even now.
I too believed that love would take care of any problems. As a four month old infant, it didn't occur to me that there might be mental health issues. I worried about physical and cognitive issues from exposure to drugs and alcohol in utero. Once I was assured that there were none of those issues, I thought we were home free because all we had to do was provide lots of love. I too have realized through this that effort does not always equate to an outcome. Thank you for reminding me that intention and goodness are their own reward. God put these boys in our lives, and we faithfully stewarded the responsibility of that, and for that, we can have peace and comfort for being faithful to this calling to love these particular children. Thank you for helping me to come to grips with this a little bit better. I still have regrets about things I wish I had known or done differently, but I believe God was sovereign when he put them in our lives, and that gives me some measure of peace.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hi Beta
Thank you for your loving and thoughtful reply. I have been thinking a lot about Divine Grace. It's something I don't leave enough room for because I only came to be devout in my religion about 8 years ago. While this has changed everything for me, I am still in elementary school, so to speak.
Of course, this is the worst possible feeling. It would mean "no hope." How many times on this board I have written hope is ours to have That our children don't carry all of the hope. But there is this place in me that despairs when I see and feel "no hope" from him or for him. But HIM. That's another story altogether.
What I am saying here is I see now that this is the place where G-d is. This is where G-d works. And this is where faith lies. This is where I can make a clear, clean, deep relationship with G-d. And I can then, hold this place. And meet my son with love, not rigidity, boundaries, distance, the hard place.
And in the same way, you can do the same in you. Fill that place of despair with God's love and Grace. I don't yet know how to do it, but I will try. Love Copa
Thank you for your loving and thoughtful reply. I have been thinking a lot about Divine Grace. It's something I don't leave enough room for because I only came to be devout in my religion about 8 years ago. While this has changed everything for me, I am still in elementary school, so to speak.
Each of us struggles in ways that other people and even us sometimes, feel there is not a lot of hope. My therapist the other day used the words "Divine intervention" that nothing in this world coming from my son looked like he was showing any indication of wanting to or being able to live differently. I think he meant it this way, short of Divine Intervention, nothing would change. It was a way to say it was going to take a miracle. Needless to say, I felt bad. My Rabbi, too, feels this way, about my son. It's hard for me.
Of course, this is the worst possible feeling. It would mean "no hope." How many times on this board I have written hope is ours to have That our children don't carry all of the hope. But there is this place in me that despairs when I see and feel "no hope" from him or for him. But HIM. That's another story altogether.
What I am saying here is I see now that this is the place where G-d is. This is where G-d works. And this is where faith lies. This is where I can make a clear, clean, deep relationship with G-d. And I can then, hold this place. And meet my son with love, not rigidity, boundaries, distance, the hard place.
And in the same way, you can do the same in you. Fill that place of despair with God's love and Grace. I don't yet know how to do it, but I will try. Love Copa
Copa,
I believe that it's true--apart from God's intervention in their lives, or in anyone's life, there will be no real transformation. We can grit our teeth and buck ourselves up, but we can only change the surface. God has to change the core of our being. Anyway, as I was reading your post, this verse came to mind about God, describing God as "the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." He's also described as "the God of hope" and the One who can fill us with joy and peace by His power. I agree, we can fill our places of despair with His love and grace. I'm thankful for that. He does not abandon us in our pain.
