I sat down with him this weekend and told him he had until February 1 to get a job and start paying rent in March. He has until 12/10 to pay some money he owes, until 1/10 to pay the $90 he stole and has to pay for his own car insurance stating end of March. I feel both empowered and scared. He knows that failure to meet these expectations is eviction.
20 yo at home, no job
- Thread starter Hilli
- Start date
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
Well...now he has choices to make. If he can man up and admit his struggles...that could be huge.
Our son lives with us....we have done everything we can to help him..and he has turned a corner, his future is his, we have done whAt we can.
Hugs to you...remember..you can't control another's life...no matter how much the love.
Our son lives with us....we have done everything we can to help him..and he has turned a corner, his future is his, we have done whAt we can.
Hugs to you...remember..you can't control another's life...no matter how much the love.
mof
Momdidntsignupforthis
Yes. We have a contract...we modified and worked with him.
He works close to 40hrs a week..he has no car, contract states he has to earn and save a certain amount.
He takes his medications..and acts as part of the family. He has no real friends, it's been a slow process..but likes his home.
Who knows the future...he is facing juvenile probation...but passes our drug tests regularly. He is not ready for school, it says he has a lot to t hi k about regarding what he wants to do.
I pray yours turns a corner too..I believe there is hope in every turn. Our son clinically died in an overdose...I don't wish it on anyone...
Prayers for you and him...it's a journey.
He works close to 40hrs a week..he has no car, contract states he has to earn and save a certain amount.
He takes his medications..and acts as part of the family. He has no real friends, it's been a slow process..but likes his home.
Who knows the future...he is facing juvenile probation...but passes our drug tests regularly. He is not ready for school, it says he has a lot to t hi k about regarding what he wants to do.
I pray yours turns a corner too..I believe there is hope in every turn. Our son clinically died in an overdose...I don't wish it on anyone...
Prayers for you and him...it's a journey.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
There are several parents here whose sons turned things around because of severe, impending consequences that they dreaded, namely prison or returning to prison.
The difference between these young men, and my own is huge: motivation and decision.
In my case the only consequence of note I have to impose is: leave.
The difference between these young men, and my own is huge: motivation and decision.
In my case the only consequence of note I have to impose is: leave.
mof, I pray your son keeps doing well. I applaud his motivation and decision, and I applaud you, too.
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Concerned Mom & Dad
New Member
I have an 18 year old kid on a similar path. I wish I had the answers. The only input I can offer is that I am careful about tough love when the kid has anxiety issues. Do you know where he is going to get the money to pay you back if he doesn't have a job? I would be reluctant to set requirements that he can't possibly meet. Just sets him up for failure. I would focus on having him get a job. He may even need help with that. My son finally got a job delivering pizza. It is not the job we would have chosen fo him but he has stuck with it. It's the best thing he got going right now.
Update - He was not able to come up with the money by the due date, no surprise. We decided to allow him 3 additional weeks to focus on finding a job and not worrying about the money. On his last day he said he had a job - hallelujah! Four days later I find out it was another lie. He's been out of the house since Thursday night. He has his grandmas car so I assume that is where he is sleeping. I am so sick about it. I don't know what else do to at this point. He's had every opportunity and continues to spend more time in bed or playing video games. And the lies are heartbreaking. Thank you all for your support.
so ready to live
Well-Known Member
Hilli. So sorry he 's made this choice. I do think holding the line you set was a good move. It's in his court now and he can decide whether he wants to step up or not. From your side you've given him the dignity of running his own life the way he wants. It may not be at all what we think is good for him.
You have done all you can. Be good to yourself, this is simply so hard. Take one day at a time, don't write the end of the story. This is "wait and see" time, I hope for you a minute of peace here and there. Hold tight, you are stronger than you think you are. We're here. Prayers.
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is wait and see and so hard!!
Me too Albatross, me too!!!
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
Hilli. I could have written your post myself. Every element is the same, except for the age of my child. When he was 20 he was still OK. He is 28 now.
Five years ago I pushed him out. It got worse. And worse.
While other mothers here may see the answer in making our sons leave, in our case it was not the answer. The reality is there were no answers. There was not one right thing that I could do to help my son change, until he wanted to.
Still, my impulse is always now to kick him out. The marijuana. The lying. Manipulation. The avoidance. For me was impossible to bear. To him, his preferred lifestyle.
We are now riding him hard. Drug testing or the threat of it. He has to do something productive each day and bring us verification of same. Or each day he faces being kicked out. We realized we had no hope of influencing him to do better, if he was far from us. We feel that this way he is choosing to leave or stay. He is voting by his behavior and his accountability.
Your son chose to leave. By his choices. But a way back could be a simple requirement: do something constructive each day. If you do not, leave. Immediate consequences. He chooses. He can define what it is. You can decide if it is adequate. Simple. And immediate.
My G-d. I have had so many conditions. Like you. He never met one of them. He nodded yes to everything and smiled and deceived me and hurt himself in every instance. I set myself up every single time.
There is hope. But not if you do it. Only if he does. He has to realize, which I believe he may be beginning to, that he has no other option. In our case my son found people willing to help him, to enable him and to disempower us. It took 4 years in the wilderness until his attitude began to approach reasonable...so this had a chance to work. Whether or not, who knows?
But there is a way back. Some kids need to come home. I see that, now. Take care. Keep posting.
I've thought about that approach exactly. If he gets a job and comes back there will be no more pot or video games or he will have to leave again. I'm doing letting him do it his way in my house. It has been exactly the same for me. One story after another that just result in more hurt and disappointment. To top it off, my ex blames everything on me. I've just learned that my sister is letting him sleep at her house. I'm not sure what to think of this but it doesn't feel like she's supporting me but rather enabling him more. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Copabanana
Well-Known Member
I am a single mom so I have nobody I am accountable to. People around me have blamed me. (Your ex needs to get a life. Try to tune him out.) People have wanted to rescue my son from his bad, bad mother, who was not helping him.
My son set this up, but others participated. I have learned to be indifferent to what anybody else thinks.
Now he knows he has nobody but us. He knows I will never bail on him. I think he knows now he is bailing on himself. That took years and years for him to even get an inkling.
You are on the right course, I think.
Update - he's been out of the house since Thursday. Really Friday because he snuck back into the house in the middle of the night on Thursday. But hasn't been back since. Unfortunately, it appears my mom has caved and he is staying there. She says she can't send him out in the cold and he can't get a job with no shower or way to stay clean and presentable. I tried to remind her that he's been saying he's getting a job for over a year and a half, has lied, stolen and having a warm shower and clean clothes so t make him get a job. She is a total enabler and I'm out of words. Any advice to help her understand she's not helping him? It is very cold out right now and I feel bad about that but he knew the expectations and chose to not follow through. He says he's getting a job when he's 21 (6 weeks away). I don't believe anything will change when he turns 21. If I know my mom, she'll let him stay there until then believing things will change and more time will pass with no movement from him. Help!!!!
BusynMember
Well-Known Member
You can't control another adult, including mom. At least hes out of your house. Eventually she will understand why he isnt living with you anymore and probably also tell him to leave.
Enjoy the peace.
Enjoy the peace.
I think SWOT is very right. Focus on you for now. On enjoying the peace, on being okay with not having him there, on making it so he cannot sneak back in. If there is a car he can sneak into, make sure it is disabled. I can walk you through the basics of how to figure that out.
Your mom has to do this on her own. She either will or won't. I would give this some time for your son to begin to wear on her and start to bleed her dry. I am sorry that it is so hard. Please keep posting here because it will get harder before it gets easier. She will put pressure on you to take him back when it gets hard on her to have him there. I have seen it in my own family. You have to stay strong and tell her that no, she is making the choice to enable him, you won't.
(((((hugs)))))
Your mom has to do this on her own. She either will or won't. I would give this some time for your son to begin to wear on her and start to bleed her dry. I am sorry that it is so hard. Please keep posting here because it will get harder before it gets easier. She will put pressure on you to take him back when it gets hard on her to have him there. I have seen it in my own family. You have to stay strong and tell her that no, she is making the choice to enable him, you won't.
(((((hugs)))))
Childofmine
one day at a time
Hilli, just let this current scenario play out if you can. Enjoy your home. Try to live in the right now, in this moment. It takes a long time, if ever, for all of our DCs' enablers to stop enabling. I was able to stop before my ex-husband, his dad, finally stopped. He tried to get help from my family but they resisted (due to conversations with me), but I agree with SWOT, we can't take on what others do with our DCs. We can only ever decide what we ourselves will or won't do. That is the huge lesson to learn from all of this: We can't control, fix or manage another single human being on the planet except ourselves.
When they are 17, 18, 19, I so understand giving them chances to change. I gave my Difficult Child so many contracts. I now smile at myself, my naivete, in writing up three or four page contracts with all kinds of parameters for him to meet. He never did any of it! It wasn't worth the paper it was written on. And the last one I did, was just one page, but he tore that one up in my face. That was actually good for me to experience, because it gave me the courage to show him the door.
This is so very hard. This is counter to everything we know, feel and believe. And it's a process. Don't try to change too fast or do what other people say. You have to listen, weigh others experiences, see what you can live with and then decide. Believe me, your decision isn't going to make or break him. I used to think the weight of the world rested on my next decision when it came to him, but guess what...it didn't.
This is a long hard journey. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.
When they are 17, 18, 19, I so understand giving them chances to change. I gave my Difficult Child so many contracts. I now smile at myself, my naivete, in writing up three or four page contracts with all kinds of parameters for him to meet. He never did any of it! It wasn't worth the paper it was written on. And the last one I did, was just one page, but he tore that one up in my face. That was actually good for me to experience, because it gave me the courage to show him the door.
This is so very hard. This is counter to everything we know, feel and believe. And it's a process. Don't try to change too fast or do what other people say. You have to listen, weigh others experiences, see what you can live with and then decide. Believe me, your decision isn't going to make or break him. I used to think the weight of the world rested on my next decision when it came to him, but guess what...it didn't.
This is a long hard journey. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time.
