A View From The Other Side (Fairly Long)

[Nancy]

SWOT, my daughter would say the same thing, Paxil has made her feel normal for the first time in her life. Her anxiety is through the roof with obsessive thoughts and Paxil keeps that at bay. But she wants to get pregnant and it's a no for pregnant women. She is very worried about what she will do.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

@DarkwingPsyduck I just want you to know, we posted a thread on the Healthy Living board with simple recipes and cooking tips. In case you missed it...

Oh, cool. Thank you very large

 

[GoingNorth]

Everyone has a right to know both the pros and the cons of what they are putting into their bodies. I would not be dependent of benzos today if I''d been told the truth about them when I first started taking them.

And, I would've (before PCs and the internet) done research before I took the first Thorazine tablet my childhood shrink ordered for me and talked my parents into insisting I take.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

It is the responsibility of your doctor to at least warn people. Clearly, many of them don't really give a , and it is unfortunate that people have to experience the hells of withdrawal because they trusted their doctor to inform them of the drugs they prescribe.

 

[BusynMember]

Nancy, yeah. Thats a real dilemma. I had been around 40 when I first started pacil. I sure wish her a positive resolution.

 

[BusynMember]

Since my benzo is also magic for my anxiety, and ive been on the same dose for decades, I'd still chose to take it. I dont care if my body needs it because I need it like a diabetic needs insulin. But everyone should know the entire picture. I heard what I feel was an honest assessment about ECT which I seriously considered. But I decided not to do it after talking to doctors and ECT patients about it and the memory issues made me say no. I learned a lot more about ECT than any medications.
Benzos are the only medication that calms my crazed anxiety and panic attacks without making me a zombie. I hate that I need medications at all, but I accept it and move on with my life.

 

[GoingNorth]

It wasnt until I had my place up north on the market and had found that my options on finding a private psychiatrist that took my gov't insurace were slim to none.

I realized i would have to use county services again. My shrink up north said he'd write me for 6 months of everything to give me time to find a new psychiatrist. Then, my psychiatrist up here said, "Under no circumstances try to stop the benzos on your own; even if you don't have a seizure and die, you could be left brain damaged.

So that's where I'm at 1mg Lorazepam 2-3 per day and 30mgs of Temazepam at bedtime. I'd like to get off of them for good, but I'd need to do it inpatient with close medical supervision.

The irony is that I don't abuse the pills. I take them as prescribed. I followed dr.s' orders all along and still got hooked. I live in fear of getting cut off. The idea of benzo withdrawal scares the crap out of me.

 

[BusynMember]

I take my medications only as instructed.

I am not terrified of benzo withdrawal. Id just do it in s hospital.

But I need my medication. I have a serious brain disorder that I cant treat without medication. I am not ashamed to have to be on it. It is what it is.

The first 40 years of my life were hell and I am grateful that I had a chance at normal, even though I need medications to help me.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

It wasnt until I had my place up north on the market and had found that my options on finding a private psychiatrist that took my gov't insurace were slim to none.

I realized i would have to use county services again. My shrink up north said he'd write me for 6 months of everything to give me time to find a new psychiatrist. Then, my psychiatrist up here said, "Under no circumstances try to stop the benzos on your own; even if you don't have a seizure and die, you could be left brain damaged.

So that's where I'm at 1mg Lorazepam 2-3 per day and 30mgs of Temazepam at bedtime. I'd like to get off of them for good, but I'd need to do it inpatient with close medical supervision.

The irony is that I don't abuse the pills. I take them as prescribed. I followed dr.s' orders all along and still got hooked. I live in fear of getting cut off. The idea of benzo withdrawal scares the crap out of me.

There is NOTHING wrong with taking medication that you need, and you shouldn't feel like there is. Clearly, you do not have an addictive personality. While you may be physically dependent, you are not a drug addict. It is JUST physical for you, and you use it to maintain quality of life.

 

[GoingNorth]

Thanks, Darkwing. In my much younger days, I tried a couple of benzos recreationally. All they did was knock me out cold, not a blackout where I did a bunch of (stupid) stuff without remembering it. The current benzos don't get me high at all, they just do what they are supposed to do.

I've never mixed them with anything else to see if I could get high as that's Occupational Therapist (OT) why I take them. In fact, I'd be afraid I'd kill myself,''

I can't do the party scene anymore. I'm always too worried someone is gonna OD. Had to use CPR on a guy who shot one more oxy than he shoulda. Kept him alive untl EMS got there, narcanned him. The hospital kept him overnight and the moron ODed within a couple of hours of being released.

I'm not concerned about what things people think...other than cops if they were to find the tramadol, Ativan, and Temazepam, which even if they were in my purse in their original bottles, would still earn me the priveledge of a blood test, Even if all the test showed was trace amounts of metabolites, that's still enough for OWI in this stinking Republican cesspool,

 

[BusynMember]

GN, my lawyer thinks even our fair king of WI cant make the OWI stick. Hoping.

Darkwing, I actually think I DO have an addictive personality, so I never ever take anything just for "fun." Even pot scares me. I just take what helps me and have been on the same two medications at the same dose since age 40. Never switch medications or doses in all that time...yet it still works. And I still go to therapy because I tend to need it to help the medications maintain.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

GN, my lawyer thinks even our fair king of WI cant make the OWI stick. Hoping.

Darkwing, I actually think I DO have an addictive personality, so I never ever take anything just for "fun." Even pot scares me. I just take what helps me and have been on the same two medications at the same dose since age 40. Never switch medications or doses in all that time...yet it still works. And I still go to therapy because I tend to need it to help the medications maintain.

Are you talking about SSRI's or benzos? And you are smart to make the decision not to even try to recreationally use. It is an unfortunate fact all addicts must accept. As much as we'd like to, there is NEVER "just one". While most of us started out purely recreational, we clearly lost our ability to control it, and it isn't something you regain over any amount of time. It is a part of who we are. That was one of the hardest things to accept. I obviously LOVED the way the pills made me feel, and I still occasionally crave it. I would have no problem procuring some if I REALLY wanted to, but I know it wouldn't end well. Just one reopens a door that needs to remain shut, and bolted. Else risk pissing away all the money my aunt spent on my Suboxone treatment, on top of hurting her even more than I already have. She is a saint, and I am too terrified to hurt her any more.

I hate that my twin is still hurting her. Main reason I do NOT get along with her. I hold no resentment over her abandoning her children on us, as I adore both of them. I don't resent her for stealing from me, as I am no better. I resent that she doesn't seem to care at all about my aunt. My uncle and I are big guys. We can take her abuse. It doesn't hurt us. But it does hurt my aunt more than she is willing to admit. The woman works way too many hours as it is, and my sister seems to do everything she can to prevent her from ever getting any sleep. She has to drive between Reno and Carson multiple times a week, and she does it with very little sleep. She totalled her car 2 years ago because of this, and I do not want it to happen again. She is all I have left. My sister is rarely in the same room as me. I am cordial enough when I do have to be around her, but I prefer not to be. Last year, she was hitting them up for cash. This was when we still had the boy, Chris. We were doing renovations on the townhouse, so my aunt offered her money to come watch the baby. Yup, my aunt paid her to babysit her own child.... She gets here, and you can tell she has been on one, and is coming down. She passes out on the couch immediately, ignoring the baby. I was losing my temper at this point, as was my aunt. I woke her up and had some spirited words for her. I then went upstairs to try and avoid her. She was stomping around the townhouse, screaming profanities and insults at my aunt, and at the baby. My aunt was nearly in tears trying to salvage the situation. Unfortunately, I happened to walk by the room they were in as sister said something VERY cruel to my aunt. I yelled at her, and she started laying in to me. Then I just lost it completely. She was right up in my face, and I ended up headbutting her, laying her out cold. While I believe she really had it coming, my aunt was furious with me... Felt bad for that, but not for headbutting her....

Anyway, my aunt has more than enough bullshit to handle as it is, and the thought of losing her is petrifying. I already lost one mother, and my aunt is way more of a mother to me than my real mom. She requires some medication, too. SSRI and anti-anxiety, as well as the occasional sleep aid. It helps maintain her quality of life, and she deserves that. As do you guys. You're all amazing people who are unfortunately dealing with very difficult situations that you frankly do not deserve. The fact that you are still doing it is testament to your compassion, and strength. The fact that you ONLY take what you take is pretty amazing to me. You are all much stronger than I.

 

[BusynMember]

I never liked the way any drug made me feel. It scared me. Even pot. The only drugs I take are the ones for my anxiety and depression becsuse I feel normal on them. I am very sensitive to side effects and usually get the worst ones and its scary to me, not fun
Hallucinating, which I even do on Tylenol 3, terrifies me. Feeling dreamlike or out of my body panics me too. Feeling drugged, like mood stabilizers did to me, is intolerable. So I guess I'm too scared of the effects of drugs to use them. Or drink. I dont like that buzzed feeling. I like to be in control.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

I never liked the way any drug made me feel. It scared me. Even pot. The only drugs I take are the ones for my anxiety and depression becsuse I feel normal on them. I am very sensitive to side effects and usually get the worst ones and its scary to me, not fun
Hallucinating, which I even do on Tylenol 3, terrifies me. Feeling dreamlike or out of my body panics me too. Feeling drugged, like mood stabilizers did to me, is intolerable. So I guess I'm too scared of the effects of drugs to use them. Or drink. I dont like that buzzed feeling. I like to be in control.

Tylenol 3 is codeine, yeah? I have an opiate tolerance that is so high, I would literally overdose on the acetaminophen in Tylenol 3, Percocet, or Vicoden well before I felt high. There was a time I could get high on those things, but it didn't last very long.

After being in a mentally altered state almost nonstop for 3-4 years, being in a normal state is kind of like a high for me. I remember the exact moment I truly realized the enormity of my problem. It was when I noticed that I wasn't even getting high anymore. I was taking it just to feel somewhat normal, and to function. It lost it's recreational value. It was no longer optional. Either I took it and functioned somewhat, or I did not and feel like I was dying. Terrifying stuff....

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

I can guarantee you that they love you, and that the person you love is still in there, just buried deep.

Thank you, Darkwing. I believed that, but I was only taking it on faith.

Getting clean is very simple. Detox is uncomfortable, but it is nothing compared to what it does to our mental and emotional state. That is when we really need as much support as possible from loved ones. It is especially hard to fix if they don't ever get an opportunity to at least face the music, and express themselves. You don't need to trust them. In fact, that would be a bad idea. You don't need to enable. You don't have to forgive everything, or forgive anything right away. Trust and forgiveness are earned, and more difficult to earn each time it's betrayed. In fact, forgiving and forgetting will do them no good. They need to face it, to truly appreciate it. This is why 12 step programs have the making amends step. Not just for our loved ones' sake, but for our own. We can't heal by ignoring it. You should vocalize the very real effects their actions have caused. The pain you experienced. We need a real reason to get clean, and one of the biggest ones is making amends. We need the opportunity, at the least.

Thank you, Darkwing.

Everything is exciting in the early stages of sobriety. You get a kind of high from finally beating something that has controlled and destroyed your life for so long. It is scary at first, and it is easy to become too complacent. Thinking you got it by the short and curlies, only to find that you don't have a proper support system set up. Then, the first emotional event you run into is that much more dangerous.

Thank you. This makes sense.

Don't trust them, not right away. Make them earn it. Deserve it. And try to understand that it doesn't reflect on your parenting. It is a problem that knows no bounds.

Therapists have said those exact words. I could not hear them in the way I hear you.

Thank you. Not a matter of erasing guilt so much as putting the entire experience ~ the loss of trust, the rotten certainty that I had failed my kids somehow. You are addressing every bit of it. The questions I had hidden away from myself, too.

And just think. I hardly ever read in SA anymore. I am very glad I saw your post.

I used to buy the 30mg IR oxycodone pills for 10 a pop, and sell them for 17-20 a pop. PROFIT! The profit went directly up my nose, of course. Now those same pills for for 25-30 at wholesale, and 35+ at retail

That's alot of money.

What a horrible place to find ourselves.

I am coming to understand how all these pieces fit for my own family, Darkwing. When we don't know this factual stuff about how it feels and how the person who is addicted feels, the only feeling left is ~ well, I don't know what it is.

I feel like I have a map, now. For what's happened to all of us, I mean.

I keep saying thank you.

All these years, I could not put the pieces together properly. It was all so hurtful and wrong, and I couldn't figure out why it kept happening. The way my son especially seemed to see us and himself, and his anger and the way he talked to us and seemed to trick us ~ the betrayal in that was devastating. We felt so stupid. Or like we were suckers or something like that feeling. Whatever we did seemed to have been the wrong thing, and we were hopeless. And felt so nasty about him sometimes. And that felt so wrong, too, and made us sad. The way you describe for us so honestly what it feels like from the child's perspective has made such a difference for me. I will be talking to my husband about your insights. And to our extended families too, because they also tried very hard to help.

Thank you.

Cedar

Whenever I see a young person who seems homeless and has that drug taking look, I think about my own kids, and about the person's mom. But I hated them a little bit, too.

I did not know about how the trap was constructed, or what it looked like from inside.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Thank you, Darkwing. I believed that, but I was only taking it on faith.



Thank you, Darkwing.



Thank you. This makes sense.



Therapists have said those exact words. I could not hear them in the way I hear you.

Thank you. Not a matter of erasing guilt so much as putting the entire experience ~ the loss of trust, the rotten certainty that I had failed my kids somehow. You are addressing every bit of it. The questions I had hidden away from myself, too.

And just think. I hardly ever read in SA anymore. I am very glad I saw your post.



That's alot of money.

What a horrible place to find ourselves.

I am coming to understand how all these pieces fit for my own family, Darkwing. When we don't know this factual stuff about how it feels and how the person who is addicted feels, the only feeling left is ~ well, I don't know what it is.

I feel like I have a map, now. For what's happened to all of us, I mean.

I keep saying thank you.

All these years, I could not put the pieces together properly. It was all so hurtful and wrong, and I couldn't figure out why it kept happening. The way my son especially seemed to see us and himself, and his anger and the way he talked to us and seemed to trick us ~ the betrayal in that was devastating. We felt so stupid. Or like we were suckers or something like that feeling. Whatever we did seemed to have been the wrong thing, and we were hopeless. And felt so nasty about him sometimes. And that felt so wrong, too, and made us sad. The way you describe for us so honestly what it feels like from the child's perspective has made such a difference for me. I will be talking to my husband about your insights. And to our extended families too, because they also tried very hard to help.

Thank you.

Cedar

Whenever I see a young person who seems homeless and has that drug taking look, I think about my own kids, and about the person's mom. But I hated them a little bit, too.

I did not know about how the trap was constructed, or what it looked like from inside.

I am glad I can help you. Just as I have shown you a little bit of your son's side of things, this forum showed me your side. And if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that parenting an addict is something only a parent of an addict can truly comprehend. The same way addiction is something only an addict can truly comprehend. It is easy to take everything as a personal attack on you. I understand how it seems like that to you. It is that simple idea that woke me up. God, I love my aunt. I basically worship the ground she walks on. NOBODY has ever put up with my for very long. And I am not being hyperbolic. She is the only one. Literally the only older blood relative that gives two shits about me, or my well being. It was something I'd never experienced. I was so used to my loved ones falling away. I expected the same from this aunt. My uncle is the first man I truly respect. Somebody I believe embodies what a REAL man should be. They are the greatest people I know. And I still all over them. Their generosity, they compassion, their understanding, their patience, and their trust. It is such a gradual process that I didn't really notice it. So, if it could make me do all of that to two people I adore, it can make anybody do just about anything.

It is important that you come to realize that it is not personal. Even when the attacks are on YOU specifically. The hurtful things we do and say aren't so much done to you. Literally every waking moment, every thought is dominated by our need for our drugs. We don't get any enjoyment from doing that. It is merely a means to an end. I know that I hate the things I did and said. I feel shame, regret, and self loathing for it. But only AFTER getting clean. This shows that it is the drug, not necessarily the person. We can justify it while using, but not while sober. We don't stop loving or feeling. It's just that they are no longer top priority. Drugs are. Everything else is secondary in our mind. This doesn't make it acceptable, nor is it an excuse. But it is an explanation, which I imagine is something the parent of an addict needs. To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

You didn't raise a drug addict. You raised a man who developed a drug problem somewhere down the line. Drugs are powerful things.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

You didn't raise a drug addict. You raised a man who developed a drug problem somewhere down the line. Drugs are powerful things.

Thank you, Darkwing. This is an important distinction to make. Not only in the naming "drug addict" implies, but in the raising of a man, capable of facing the world, and the pain in it, as a man.

I raised a man.

I did do that, didn't I. I am forever forgetting that he is a man, now.

It still breaks my heart a little to think about it, though. I think we haven't seen him again, except once for about six months, since he was 16. I mean, we've seen him physically of course, but he was...edgy.

OK. I meant enraged and demanding and just person who looked like my son but was dirty.

And his sense of humor was flat out disgusting.

He was always very good with and to his dogs, though.

Rottweilers. Two of them. Who are really smart, big babies, once you get to know them. That is why he never went homeless, probably. Once we wouldn't let him come home anymore, I mean. He had to provide for his dogs. And he did.

They lived in a tent once though.

And if there is one thing I know for sure, it is that parenting an addict is something only a parent of an addict can truly comprehend. The same way addiction is something only an addict can truly comprehend. It is easy to take everything as a personal attack on you. I understand how it seems like that to you. It is that simple idea that woke me up. God, I love my aunt. I basically worship the ground she walks on. NOBODY has ever put up with my for very long. And I am not being hyperbolic. She is the only one. Literally the only older blood relative that gives two s about me, or my well being. It was something I'd never experienced. I was so used to my loved ones falling away. I expected the same from this aunt. My uncle is the first man I truly respect. Somebody I believe embodies what a REAL man should be. They are the greatest people I know. And I still all over them. Their generosity, they compassion, their understanding, their patience, and their trust. It is such a gradual process that I didn't really notice it. So, if it could make me do all of that to two people I adore, it can make anybody do just about anything.

Maybe our son adores us, too. That would be so nice.

Our daughter thinks we are good people. But while there was some drug use for her, her path has been very different.

To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.

To know that my son isn't gone.

You came back, didn't you. You are fighting a hard battle, but here you are, helping us understand.

It would be such a happy thing, if I were to see my real son again. He is doing well now actually I think, Darkwing. He is 40. He has two children. Something like two years ago, he did some xanax bars or some kind of xanax in chocolate or something, and rum ~ lots of rum ~ and drove to WalMart for more rum. And ran his truck into a pole or something. And woke up in the psychiatric ward. And we didn't help. Not with an attorney or saying we would take the kids or anything. And somehow he got through that, but he had to submit to drug testing for a long time. He might still be having to do that. But in that two years, he has changed. There was a time when he was so ~ what you described happens when you know you are not using, but you can't care about anything. Then, one time, he told me that for the longest time, he'd blamed us for everything. That didn't work. Then, he blamed his sister's problems for everything. And that didn't work. Then he blamed his S.O. At the point he was talking to me that day, he said there was only one person left to blame and that was him, but that wasn't working,either.

And that was all he had to say about that.

But his life began to change. In little ways, the things we heard about were changing. He doesn't get ragingly angry anymore. I am still always afraid of that. But maybe not so much now, having read your posts.

Maybe, that wasn't really who he is.

I remember what you posted about forgiveness, and about not letting our people walk all over us.

In any event, he has been making a concerted effort to find mentors. People he admires, who have businesses. And he wants to know how they did that. And they seem willing to teach him. And I just keep saying to him the words I've learned here on the site. So maybe you are right, about drug use changing everything.

Anyway, those are the kinds of things he talks about now. And you are right. He hasn't screamed at me for the longest time. Now that I think about it. I am trying to think whether he still calls me by my first name. Instead of Mom. Because I don't deserve it. And neither does D H deserve to be called "Dad". Which was small comfort. Because it would have been worse if he'd only hated me. Which isn't very nice to say, but there I said it.

It's a little like waiting for the other shoe to fall.

Maybe, I will stop doing that.

It is important that you come to realize that it is not personal. Even when the attacks are on YOU specifically. The hurtful things we do and say aren't so much done to you. Literally every waking moment, every thought is dominated by our need for our drugs. We don't get any enjoyment from doing that. It is merely a means to an end. I know that I hate the things I did and said. I feel shame, regret, and self loathing for it. But only AFTER getting clean. This shows that it is the drug, not necessarily the person. We can justify it while using, but not while sober. We don't stop loving or feeling. It's just that they are no longer top priority. Drugs are. Everything else is secondary in our mind. This doesn't make it acceptable, nor is it an excuse. But it is an explanation, which I imagine is something the parent of an addict needs. To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.

I keep thinking about your post. (All of them, really.) But this one in particular.

To know that your son isn't gone, and that it isn't your fault. That you are not a failure as a parent.

Tasting those words is...that would be life changing. For me and for D H.

Thank you for your honesty, and for posting to us as you have. I have lived most of my life believing I had failed, bigtime. And there wasn't even a question that of course it was my fault. You know what it is. It's that you touch on exactly the things no therapist could tell me. They could not tell me why he hated me.

Thank you.

You have made a difference, whatever comes next. It will make a difference for my kids, too. If I am not dead certain I went wrong somewhere in raising them, then I can stop trying to ~ whatever I was doing. I can find compassion, not just forgiveness. And compassion is a very different, and more important thing, than forgiveness.

Compassion for us all.

***

I was just reading these highlights from your post to my husband. He said: You should write a book.

Actually Darkwing, I think you should, too. Just those words about my son not being gone. Just those words about what it is our kids see and feel and that they love us ~ wow, that matters.

I think we could be stronger parents, and not become so broken or ashamed over the long years, if we knew those things from someone who'd lived it.

Cedar

It is easy to take everything as a personal attack on you. I understand how it seems like that to you.

My sincere thanks, Darkwing.

Write that book, okay?

 

[DarkwingPsyduck]

Well, I think a lot of his anger is with himself. And that you just happened to be closest at the time, so you took the brunt of it. I know I was never angry with anybody else, but I hated myself. I mean, I really hated myself. I hated myself as deeply as you could hate anybody for any reason. I was repulsive. Disgusting. I actually avoided mirrors. They just set me off. I still do, for the most part. It has nothing to do with my physical appearance, either. When I looked at my reflection, it would force me to reflect on myself, and it was too painful to do. I didn't vent on my aunt or uncle, but I vented plenty on everybody else. My girlfriend at the time, my friends (the ones who's parents took me in and fed me after my mom died), and my sister. I wanted so badly to be justified in my , even though I knew I wasn't. I tried very hard to convince myself that I was just a victim, and free from accountability.

It did not work. Once I was able to understand what my aunt must have felt, I finally loathed myself enough to do something. It was easier to continue my when I couldn't comprehend the depth of the pain I was causing. I didn't get clean for myself, and that is something most people would warn against. As would I, for the most part. Ideally, the change should be for your own benefit, not the benefit of others. The idea being that, if you do it for others, you have no reason to continue sobriety if something were to happen with that relationship. But I flat out hated myself, and couldn't do it for myself. The only thing I really cared about was my aunt, my uncle, and my sister's kids. So I had to do it for them. At some point down the line, I gradually stopped thinking so poorly of myself, and that has certainly helped my cause. While I still feel ashamed and embarrassed by my actions, knowing that my aunt's life is slightly less difficult now provides some comfort. Some relief. Some grounds to start moving on. I am still working at it. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself, or even that I deserve to. It hurt that my aunt just forgave me. I didn't deserve forgiveness, least of all from her.

Not knowing a whole lot about your son, I would be willing to bet that these are sentiments he probably understands pretty well. From the outside, people must have thought that I was just a piece of , and that I didn't care about my aunt or uncle at all. That is exactly what it looked like. But that isn't the case, obviously. So don't give up hope, and it isn't like you can just not love him, or care about him. I hope that you will someday get the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly. I think it'd be a great benefit to you, and him. You are developing a stronger understanding of things from his perspective, and he should try to understand your perspective. You are good people. You all are. As I said, I know bad parents when I see them. I am an expert on the matter. Bad parents don't care. That is what makes them bad. When parents really do not care, it shows in their actions. Neglect is a cause of not caring. Abuse is a result of not caring. As is neglect. But you CLEARLY care immensely. Enough to come here for support, and guidance.

 

[Scent of Cedar *]

But I flat out hated myself, and couldn't do it for myself.

I'm so sorry, Darkwing.

I am glad you have your people that you love and respect around you now.

I hope that you will someday get the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly. I think it'd be a great benefit to you, and him. You are developing a stronger understanding of things from his perspective, and he should try to understand your perspective.

I am afraid of anger. It pops me into that FOG place. Where I have to intellectualize everything. If I were going to admit it. Which I am only thinking about doing, this morning.

***

My fallback position is to try not to hurt anyone. Like maybe, we could just sweep all this under the rug.

With the elephant.

:O)

But under everything, that is disrespectful, on my part, of what is real here.

To just take whatever, and pretend that is enough is wrong, too. I should be fighting for the relationship I want. And let the chips fall where they may.

Geez, I hate being shunned.

But lying to people isn't right, either. Which is sort of what I am doing. Pretending I am strong and that my own son saying awful things to and about me doesn't bother me when it freaking does.

Now that I am having a look at it, I mean.

I have a very hard time with knowing what to do about anger. Mine, or anyone else's. But to acknowledge that fear, and not step up to the plate regarding these things is wrong, too. In secret, I am very angry with him, as well. Which makes me think bad things about him, and about what kind of man he is.

In secret.

So...I'm lying. Instead of standing up.

Huh.

"the opportunity to express yourself to him properly, and honestly."

So, I have to think about this now.

You are right. This is not the past. I can hear what he has to say and let that be what he believes without believing it myself. And why he believes whatever he believes is none of my business. It's like I have been untouchable. How irritating. So really, it is a question of honesty. Mine. And of my own anger, and of being afraid of that, too.

Fear, again.

Thank you, Darkwing.

Cedar