I haven’t seen my son in over 3 years. It’s hard to grasp that it’s been that long. He’s been “out” of prison for over 7 months and he’s setting an all time record for not getting arrested again. Is he sleeping under an overpass? Or in an apartment with drugs and weapons on the counters? Why doesn’t he contact me? The unknown is difficult. Mostly I’m ok, living my life, but then it hits me in waves. Today was one of those days. A big wave hit. I wonder if I’ll get to see him again before heroin takes his life. It’s inevitable. He’ll be 38 next month and it’s only a matter of time. I miss my son. So much. Anyone else here that hasn’t had any contact with their adult kids for an extended period of time??
(Raising hand) Me. It is hard. I honestly don’t know what’s harder, the unknown, or the known. Contact with my two wayward daughters is difficult, as they seem to be content living outside the norm and getting high. Once in a while I catch a glimpse of my eldest, (almost 43 years old) in a nearby park. I only hear from her sister when she is in jail, and that is usually to ask for money, or to come home, or to attend court. When she is out, she slips back into her world. She is back in jail again and this time around I have decided to not accept her calls. It is not easy, but for my own sanity, it is a must. I miss my two daughters as well, what they once were before meth took hold of them, and what potential they could have that old “if only.” I don’t miss the constant chaos and drama when belated hubs and I were thick in the game of trying to “help” them.
I decided a few years back with the comfort and wisdom of the kind folks on this site that I am not the one to help them. We just end up like moths circling the flame in an endless frustrating dance.
There is help for our beloved wayward adult children, if they want to choose differently. Sigh. Unfortunately, mine for the time being, don’t.
I go through waves of sadness and yearning for what could be, wondering if my decision to go no contact further exacerbates their descent to places I never imagined they would be. That is my heart and emotions getting the best of me. That old feeling that love could rescue them, stirred up by quotes from addicts that “my mom was always by my side, and never gave up on me.” I have to pull myself back to the reality that my two are adults, contact for me is painful and mentally exhausting and remember that years ago I let go and in fervent prayer, asked God to watch over them. I had to stop circling the flame for my own sake, and maybe for theirs as well? Involvement in their lives as they are actively addicted does not go well for any of us. I did not give up on them, I still have hope that they will one day see their potential, I just gave in to the ill conceived notion that I could magically “help” them. I’m rambling, Carri, my apologies. It has been a while since I have visited here and your post spoke to me. I am right where you are at, on many occasions. That wave. It’s huge. One constant reminder for me to steady myself, is my granddaughter who I am raising. She tells me “Tutu, Mom has to figure things out on her own.” She is just 14 and has been through so much with both parents actively using. I look at her strength and resolve and use that as a tool to calm myself.
It’s hard when that wave hits to not go down the rabbit hole and envision worst case scenario’s. I think we moms have a habit of going into catastrophic mindset to prepare ourselves for the worst, in case it does happen.
After writing here, I’m going to flip that switch and hold on to a vision of my two finally finding their light, as I seek my own. It may seem silly, but it’s the only way for me to paddle over and through the wave.
Wishing you peace of mind and heart. I know it’s hard. We can get through this.
(((Hugs)))
Leaf
