Acceptance and many emotions

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by toughlovin, Jul 11, 2018 at 12:48 PM.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Hi all,

    Well I havent posted in awhile. We had dinner with my son last night. He seems to be doing all right. I believe he is clean and sober (although am fully aware I could be wrong). He has a girlfriend who we have not met yet. He is still in the outpatient program but he seems to be stepping back from their services which is probably not good.

    We went up to have dinner with him because I needed to bring him his birth certificate so he can get a new ID. At dinner I tried to have a conversation with him about how I was feeling and how I get triggered when it seems like he is hiding things.... cause that is what he does when he is using. His attitude was well you just have to deal with it and get over that! Huh. He has absolutely no understanding of my feelings nor does he care. In the conversation he said he likes to keep people at arms length because it is safer... I looked at him and said “even your mother?” He said the “the damage is already done”. It is clear to me that he doesnt really want a close relationship with us. He has whatever relationship he has with us because we are helping him out and he needs us. He doesnt want a close relationship even though when he recently got out of jail and went to this program he said he did. I think that was what he was saying and maybe feeling at the time.

    Anyway it became clear to me he really doesnt want that. And he is an adult and adults get to choose what kind of relationships they have with their parents, I have had this dream tjhat somehow some day he will pull it together and we will work through our issues and be close. It is time for me to give up that dream. Who knows it may happen some day but in all likelihood it won’t. I cant keep living my life hoping for that. I was lucky enough to have a very close relationship with my mother and that is what I wanted with my children. I do have that with my daughter.... but I dont think I will ever have that with my son.

    So it makes me sad.... but today I woke up and thought I need to really step back. I need to stop trying to have something he doesnt seem to want. If he ever wants it he can let me know.

    And a part of me is angry..... we do so much to try and help him and he totally takes us for granted. For the moment we will continue to help him financially but I am pulling back emotionally.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    TL, I have boys and girls and feel close to all. But it is much easier to have a cool friendsship with children of the same sex. I mean, can you go shopping with men? Watch chick flicks together? Boys also tend to talk less about emotions than girls. That could also be why you are not as close to your son. I admit Im not a femnist. I feel there are big differences between the sexes. You were a girl child very close to her mother. But this is a son.

    I know your son is being a jerk and Im very sorry. But the fact that he is a man makes thinngs harder as far as being close.

    Of course, like female dogs, it seems that when two woman go at it, it is more intense. But I also believe moms tend to be closer to their daughters in general. This does not excuse your son.

    Light and love!
  3. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I totally agree with you. I was closer in some ways to my mom than my brother was..... but he was still very much there for her in his manly way. So I dont expect to have chatty girl talk kind of conversations with my son. Gee I dont even have those with my husband really. But seriously he is keeping us at a distance....and I just checked in with the program and he is doing the same with them.... all of which is not a good sign and he may be headed towards another relapse. But there is nothing I can do except wait and see.
  4. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    If he is doing this to everyone, it is not about you. It is about him and where he is. He is not feeling good about himself. People who have confidence in themselves are not afraid to get close to people and vice versa. He will come around when he feels better about HIM.
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    So I talked to my parent mentor today from the program he is in. She reminded me that this is his disease talking. Although I think he is not currently using I do think he is probably headed fro a relapse.... and his behavior is similar to when he is using. It was a good reminder for me. I still need to step back. And I think the acceptance is that he may never succeed at fully recovering and I need to still live my life. I did call the program yesterday and he is pulling back from them too. But the really good thing is they are still there... so if he wants help it is there for him. So I just need to keep letting go.