Adoption/Heartstrings

[Nomad]

PS I’ve stayed in touch with a mom that use to come here with two adopted children. There was a giant horrible situation…different than mine…but oddly just as damaging. Her two adopted children (now adults) very rarely speak to them anymore. The adult kids at least have jobs and are doing decently. But they made the oarent’s lives crazy difficult , caused chaos and devastation and then left. There is no relationship between them.

 

[in a daze]

My cousins were adopted as infants straight out of the orphanage in the Sixties. All the nurturing that my aunt and uncle gave them couldn’t overcome the personality and mental health issues they inherited from the bio parents.

 

[BusynMember1]

Nomad and friends, I had the audacity to once say in this forum I had no hope for Kay or something like that.

A poster from here reamed me out for possibly.making others here lack hope by my post. This poster would confront me if I dared to tell my feelings about Kay, telling me that she won't "allow" me to take hope away from "other parents" wth? I had to get runaway bunny. Since then I have been terrified ro tell the truth but I am going g to say it now.

I have NO hope for Kay. and it's my right to say so and to feel this way. And it's okay for anyone to feel this way and you should not have to hide it..if it's your truth, it is.

This is a forum you tell your true feelings because you can't to anyone else. I resent somebody trying to control my words (it was a few times)<. I don't remember who did it but I was horrified. I had NOT meant to hurt anyone but.it was my story and it still is. I'm sorry it's not pretty. It is what it is.

Its okay to not have hope. In fact I hate the word hope too. I had so many people in real life tell me not to give up. Have hope! Never give up hope! But they do not know Kay. I hate talking about her to new friends so I don't tell most about her. If I'm awful then I am. But I'm too tired to share about her to people that don't know her and don't need to know about her. I can't do it anymore. I really cant.

I am crying hard now.

Love sent.

 

[Nomad]

I’m so sorry, Busy.
I’m in an extremely similar boat. Extremely. Big time.
it’s been near impossible to cope with and even impossible to describe.
You saw what I wrote about the very word “hope.” You are entitled to your feelings. You’ve been through hell. And you know your daughter. I know why the word kills me. It’s still too raw.
I know G-d will help us. In my case…he already brought you. (((Hugs)))

 

[BusynMember1]

Your bri gi g up that word is what prompted me to post what I did.

Blessings.

 

[Nancy]

Hi Nomad. This is Nancy. It’s been so long. I just read through your posts. These stories are all so familiar to me, as you know. I was thinking of you the other day because it was Kris’s birthday.

 

[Nomad]

Wow Nancy…I thought of both of you the other day. I actually met Kris. Of course this was eons ago. I don’t know if you know that. How is your daughter? Please update me. Perhaps a pm. Thank you fir saying hello.

 

[Nomad]

Actually this is uncanny. Just the other day I mentioned something about health care I thought I heard on this site. Goodness…it may have been your thoughts. Pm me if you would. Thank you again. Hope all is well.

 

[Nancy]

I’ll give a full update ASAP. I knew you met Kris.

 

[Estherfromjerusalem]

I've just read through this whole thread. Nomad and Busy, I know what I have gone through (and still go through) with my son is nothing compared to what you two have gone through and are still going through. But I wanted to say to you that my heart is aching for you. And that I think it is amazing to have this site where people can truly say what is in their hearts.

Love, Esther

 

[Nancy]

Nomad and friends, I had the audacity to once say in this forum I had no hope for Kay or something like that.

A poster from here reamed me out for possibly.making others here lack hope by my post. This poster would confront me if I dared to tell my feelings about Kay, telling me that she won't "allow" me to take hope away from "other parents" wth? I had to get runaway bunny. Since then I have been terrified ro tell the truth but I am going g to say it now.

I have NO hope for Kay. and it's my right to say so and to feel this way. And it's okay for anyone to feel this way and you should not have to hide it..if it's your truth, it is.

This is a forum you tell your true feelings because you can't to anyone else. I resent somebody trying to control my words (it was a few times)<. I don't remember who did it but I was horrified. I had NOT meant to hurt anyone but.it was my story and it still is. I'm sorry it's not pretty. It is what it is.

Its okay to not have hope. In fact I hate the word hope too. I had so many people in real life tell me not to give up. Have hope! Never give up hope! But they do not know Kay. I hate talking about her to new friends so I don't tell most about her. If I'm awful then I am. But I'm too tired to share about her to people that don't know her and don't need to know about her. I can't do it anymore. I really cant.

I am crying hard now.

Love sent.

Busy I truly understand. I don’t think anyone can understand what we have gone through unless they have been there. I remember saying something similar at a meetup we had with members many years ago and got gasps from some. Your truth is your truth and we must have a safe place to verbalize them. I wish you peace.

 

[Disheartened]

You know....a lot of the adoptive parents when I first came here, none whom I think of are here now, got very upset if I suggested adoption was part of the problem. So I kind of stopped. I get this. They wanted to think that their kids were not troubled because of genetics or drugs/alcohol in utero or a lower than average IQ. God help me. I DIDNT WANT TO THINK THIS EITHER!.Those issues to me meant a lack of hope.

I am a realist, not one who sees a half full or empty glass. I see what is there. I can't think that one day Kay will be able to take good care of herself and I can't even fool myself into thinking she loves us deep inside. Truthfully she actually can not live with us because she could maybe hurt us. And the only time she ever contacted us was for help or else we had to initiate the contact.

Kay only "loved" us when we gave her comfort or money. I read that often our troubled kids, not all adopted but troubled, are truly not interested in a relationship with us until they need something. Is that a real parent/child relationship? No! Yet we will do all we can to keep what we have....crumbs. And I am not sorry that we tried to help her, but so much pain went into it. And she is no better.

Well, I am fortunate that my connection to God is strong. I could not have done this without Him. And all of you.

Love

Hello BusynMember1, I don't know if you are still on here but I just read several of your posts and I am sobbing...which is something I don't do easily. I am an adoptive mother of a child we first fostered. We didn't plan to adopt but after two years, it seemed cruel to move him to another home. Oh, how I wish we had. It has been 22 years now and the last 13 have been particularly awful. Right now I am waiting to get on a call with the judge after a second psychiatric committal in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, we now know that our son has been using meth with one of his biological brothers and it causes paranioa and psychosis. He has caused thousands of dollars in damage to our home and made so many threats to us I can't even count. We told the hospital that he couldn't come home (he is 24). We don't know what will happen but the thing that keeps me feeling guilty is the fact that he is intellectually disabled. It is a "mild" form but I feel like that can be harder because he can act like he understands things that he truly doesn't. He also has many mental health issues and now he is abusing substances. I am a person of faith but I have been really mad at God. I don't understand what the better plan is for us. My husband and I are both on antidepressants now but I'm not sure how much it helps. I have been reading posts on the forum for a long time now but I felt it was time to get more involved and, as I said, your post spoke to me. I appreciate what you have shared and I can empathize. People don't really understand unless they have been through it. Thank you again for your posts.

 

[Disheartened]

Update. The court released him from everything because he says he doesn't want treatment and he doesn't want to take his medications. They dumped him back in our laps without any support or services.

 

[BusynMember]

You have to find the supports. The system won't. First gave hin apply for DisBility. That alone helps. His then case manager can look for a living situation for him but often parents have to look around for tjose too. Subsidized living k ly costs 1/3 of a person's income even if his k ly income is his Disability. It covers all utilities abd the adult gets Medicare abs Medicaid at no cost. If your son won't take his medications he is u likely to be successful in your home. Do you k ow if hid birthmother drank or took drugs (it is usuly both). Most kids in the U.S. foster care system are alcohol affected which shows mostly as an intellectual deficit (mild) but I fluency ability to reason, memory and even understanding right from wrong. It is devastating abd too often overlooked. These adults need high levels of care and often become addicted to. Some are small with elf like ears abd wide spaced eyes. Some look like any other kid. All are not at fault but are treated as if they are. I'm not sure of the interventions.

Hope this helps. I'd you can get him to see a NeuroPsychologist which is NOT the same as either Neurologist or Psychologist...that is best for fi did fetal alcohol spectrum problems.

 

[Disheartened]

Thank you for the fast reply! He has Social Security Disability. Unfortunately, In my state, that doesn't automatically mean that he will get a case manager. I have him on the wait list for Section 8 housing (subsidized) but it will likely be another 1-2 years until his name comes up. The birthparents had a lot of mental health issues and we suspect drug use/alcohol use but DHS would not give us that information. He has 12 siblings and most of them are in prison or have been in prison. I am going to try to get him an evaluation with Neurorestorative and see if that gets us anywhere. In the meantime, the shelters are full...

 

[BusynMember]

Neuropsychologist. <----THIS WORD. They have wait lists.

If the birth parents took drugs, they drank. If most of the siblings are in prison that's because something is wrong with them...probably the same issues... fetal alcohol spectrum adults do not understand right from wrong. They could have mental health issues too but Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) in more serious. It's brain damage and even a little alcohol during g pregnancy can poison the brain. It's worse than the other drugs!

My nephew has autism and he got placed in a really nice apartment for developmentally disabIedbadilts
I think Section 8 costs more than Subsidized Housing. It's not the same thing.

Your son probably can't follow Shelter rules.

I'm appalled that you can't get info about the bio parents in 2022. I thought all foster parents had detailed info on substance abuse and mental health history. Try again. Hire a lawyer. These are very important issues.

Sometimes our kids spend time in the streets. Our system is terrible. I'm sorry.

 

[Crayola13]

I’m so sorry the court and mental health system handled your son’s condition so poorly. It’s tragic that the shelters in your town are full. Sometimes when the shelters are full, homeless people are given a bus ticket to a city that has shelter space available. My town is getting ready to begin construction on a sixth shelter because the others stay mostly full. We have a lot of services and support here for the homeless, and we’re only a mid-size city. I’m hoping your son can find safe living arrangements soon.

 

[Disheartened]

I’m so sorry the court and mental health system handled your son’s condition so poorly. It’s tragic that the shelters in your town are full. Sometimes when the shelters are full, homeless people are given a bus ticket to a city that has shelter space available. My town is getting ready to begin construction on a sixth shelter because the others stay mostly full. We have a lot of services and support here for the homeless, and we’re only a mid-size city. I’m hoping your son can find safe living arrangements soon.

Thank you Crayola 13. It's impressive that your town is so responsive to the need!